© 2016 Harper Nicole Anderson
Another meeting at MS. CONSTANTINE’s home to discuss the co-writing of their parody of Glengarry Glen Ross. MS. CONSTANTINE and MONICA-MELISSA are seated in MS. CONSTANTINE’s living room.
MS. CONSTANTINE I have got to tend to the vegan chili I am making… when Sam shows up just let her in, meantime, will you take a look at some of the dialogue I wrote, I think you’ll like it and Herb told me—
MONICA-MELISSA Herb?
MS. CONSTANTINE Yes, Herb, you know the guy who published the play I wrote about the Tate-LaBianca Murders? He has been mentoring me, and suggested that I adopt a type of Chekhovian dialogue in which the characters simply talk about stuff.
MONICA-MELISSA Just talk about stuff?
MS. CONSTANTINE (enthusiastically) So I have been reading The Seagull for inspiration.
MONICA-MELISSA Well, I can hardly wait. Okay then I’ll have a look at these then while you…
MS. CONSTANTINE Okay then (exits to kitchen)
(MONICA-MELISSA shuffles through papers, reads a bit then puts the papers down and looks at her watch, reads a bit more, then the doorbell rings and she goes to the door)
SAMANTHA Hey, sorry I’m late…
MONICA-MELISSA Joan said just have a seat while she finishes making her chili, she left me some dialogue to read but it’s fairly tepid— tedious and pedantic actually—you see, Herb, you know the guy you told me she slept with so he would publish her play? He’s mentoring her, the ultimate case of the blind leading the blind as it were—he told her to write Chekhovian dialogue (pause) which apparently she interprets to mean that she should have her characters talk about nothing— but far more compelling, perhaps, is that you never finished telling me about Brad…
SAMANTHA Oh my God well, again, that’s a really long story, but first, I gotta tell you the latest, Joan’s been practicing target-shooting.
MONICA-MELISSA Bows and arrows I hope?
SAMANTHA No, guns! Pistols! A Glock!
MONICA-MELISSA Where? There are pistol ranges in Berkeley?
SAMANTHA No, out in Antioch somewhere.
MONICA-MELISSA As if they need more bullets flying in Antioch!
SAMANTHA I suppose. Anyway, Brad left her the gun, said she’d need it for protection. Funny though seeing that she might have needed it more back then—that is, to protect herself from him.
MONICA-MELISSA How long has Brad been gone?
SAMANTHA It’s been awhile like, uh—
MS. CONSTANTINE (leaving kitchen) Got some delish vegan chili coming, ladies! (putting down three bowls of chili and a plate of rolls on the coffee table) Hi Sam, there you go, you’re gonna have some too, MM?
MONICA-MELISSA Oh sure, a little, it is vegan though?
MS. CONSTANTINE A hundred-percent! (beat) Had a chance to look at my drafts?
MONICA-MELISSA No, not really.
MS. CONSTANTINE Is it okay if I read you ladies some of my short monologues?
SAMANTHA I am sure Monica-Melissa can’t wait to hear them.
MONICA-MELISSA I’m all ears.
MS. CONSTANTINE Okay let me see. Okay so have we named the transwoman character yet, the Alec Baldwin prototype?
MONICA-MELISSA Not yet.
SAMANTHA How about Penelope Petrilovich?
MS. CONSTANTINE Ha! Penelope PETROLovich. That’s a real gas!
MONICA-MELISSA She might add some real fuel to the fire!
MS. CONSTANTINE Indeed.
SAMANTHA But it’s Petrolivich not Petrolovich
MONICA-MELISSA Petrolovich, Petrilovich, whatever…well…okay then, but mainly because I like alliteration.
SAMANTHA Alliteration?
MONICA-MELISSA Oh, please let’s not start that again! Joan, just, just go ahead and read!
MS. CONSTANTINE So here goes, Penelope is at a sales meeting discussing the fate of women up until recent times, okay then here we go,

Nurses, Barmaids, Teachers, Waitresses,
Sex Slaves, Downstairs Maids and Mistresses,
Receptionists, Typists, the lowly Milk Maiden
All of these, so common, so barren, so craven
This was to be our fate,
Thus She spoke, the Great Mama Raven

In me are the souls of Elektra, Medea, Madame Bovary, Troy’s Helen
Hecuba, Hepburn, Holiday and Ellen
Sacagawea, Eleanor, Iphigenia, Yoko Ono
Janis, Barbra, Ella and, yes, even Cher Bono
In me are all the souls of all women past and that of the lowest worm. So here I stand before you ladies, look into my womb—

SAMANTHA (interrupting) Do you have any Tylenol, Joan?
MONICA-MELISSA (laughing) Oh it’s giving you a headache too. Well, I thought it was great but decadent. You, you symbolist! (laughs) Okay, so that’s your Chekhovian monologue, a feminine version of Konstantin Gavrilovich Treplev, as it were. Good effort, but it makes no sense whatsoever in the context of the Glenda Gary Gwen Rose plot.
MS. CONSTANTINE Well Sam cut me off before I got to the motivational part, the part where I explain that the Maslow Method for Women can ultimately reverse the Patriarchal Hegemony.
SAMANTHA Patriarchal Hegemon—
MONICA-MELISSA Oh Christ, here we go again. Look, let’s take a break and have some chili and those rolls look delicious….
MS. CONSTANTINE Straight out of the oven…from scratch!
(All stop for a few moments and eat)
MONICA-MELISSA Mmm, they are good… Well, they say if you can learn how to bake, you can learn how to become a playwright.
SAMANTHA Who said that?
MONICA-MELISSA Uh—um, Aristotle?
SAMANTHA Oh
MONICA-MELISSA Anyway, these rolls are superb, and if I might impose, could I trouble you for another small portion of the chili?
MS. CONSTANTINE Sure and I am having some Almaden Chardonnay, would you like some Sam and some more water for you, MM?
MONICA-MELISSA
Water’s great…
SAMANTHA
A little wine is fine…and I’ll have some more chili too
MS. CONSTANTINE Okay then
(picks up bowls and exits)
SAMANTHA Looks like she moved a step up from Carlo Rossi in a box.
MONICA-MELISSA Well, I guess that the exposure to Chekhov might elevate one’s taste. So you were telling me Brad left her a gun, a Glock?
SAMANTHA Yes but I still can’t figure out why the cops didn’t take it?
MONICA-MELISSA The cops?
SAMANTHA The SWAT team.
MONICA-MELISSA The SWAT team?
SAMANTHA Oh that’s right I hadn’t gotten to that part, well that’s how the story ends. MS. CONSTANTINE asked Brad to leave and they got into a violent argument that ended with a SWAT team removing Brad from the house.
MONICA-MELISSA So that’s how it ended but how did it start, for heaven’s sake?
SAMANTHA Well, as I was saying those guys that hang out on Telegraph, he was one of them. He was nineteen when she met him—NINETEEN! And it all started when he asked her if he could take occasional showers at her house–
MS. CONSTANTINE (exiting kitchen) Okay, ladies, here we go, wine, more soup, and water for MM!
MONICA-MELISSA Thanks, MS. CONSTANTINE.
SAMANTHA Thanks, (takes sip of wine) oh (rather surprised) this is nice, mellow, fine bouquet—
MS. CONSTANTINE So you gals never let me get into the part of my speech where the character explains that the Maslow Method for Women can reverse the Global Patriarchal Hegemony…
SAMANTHA Global Patriarchal Hegemony? (pronounces with accent on the third syllable)
MONICA-MELISSA Enough already!
MS. CONSTANTINE No, no that’s all right, I-I’ll look it up for her (types into her smart phone) Okay, here you go from Wikipedia… (begins reading rapidly but slows down when she begins doubting what she’s reading) Patriarchal hegemony: A key part of the wholly imaginary worldwide conspiracy against women. This fictional force, blah, blah, blah would seek to deny women their most basic and fundamental rights, if they existed, which they don’t. Through various publicity stunts, like burning brassieres and chaining themselves to fences, feminists have slowly eroded men’s rights to the point where they are barely able to make jokes about women at all, existing merely as servants to the women’s every whim. Patriarchal Hegemony is living in every person who believes that women haven’t been subjected to years of struggle by the hand of men, for the gain of men, since people could conceive of ideas like “Do I want to have sex with this person?” That’s pretty much where it started. Men wanting to bone women–
MONICA-MELISSA (crosstalk) This is from Wikipedia?
MS. CONSTANTINE (ignores MONICA-MELISSA and keeps reading) –and later realized they didn’t want to bone them for a number reasons such as financial instability, smoking too much marijuana, stupidity, and lack of transportation or erectile dysfunction. After man realized that they were physically stronger they decided that it might be better just to abuse women into submission. Then after the Bible—
MONICA-MELISSA Stop! Are you SURE this is from Wikipedia?
MS. CONSTANTINE Well , yes, no wait…it’s from wikia.com…not Wikipedia.com… the Uncyclopdia (pause) Well, it sure LOOKED like Wikipedia…
MONICA-MELISSA Oh, for crying out loud!
SAMANTHA I’m so confused
MS. CONSTANTINE Hold on now (types into phone) Let me see well I can’t seem to find anything else on Patriarchal Hegemony—
MONICA-MELISSA Could that be because it’s a made-up term?
MS. CONSTANTINE No wait, I found something… Review: Gender Struggles: Patriarchal Hegemony in Colonial Massachusetts…but it requires a Cal Berkeley log in…
MONICA-MELISSA Ha! No patriarchy there.
MS. CONSTANTINE Yes, it certainly was burning issue then. Patriarchal Hegemony to the nth degree.
SAMANTHA I don’t get it.
MONICA-MELISSA
Look, guys, we are really getting off track, I’ll look over the rest of MS. CONSTANTINE’s dialogue later but I really think it doesn’t fit, it’s far too abstract…
SAMANTHA I think we need to give MS. CONSTANTINE a chance.
MONICA-MELISSA We did. We let her read but it obviously doesn’t work. (Seeing that MS. CONSTANTINE seems hurt) Look, I am sorry but I-I just have to be honest. Play writing is difficult. Keep writing though `and maybe we can find a way to use some of it. And always remember to apply the Marsha Norman exercise to every scene.
MS. CONSTANTINE Well, I will write. I will continue to write because I must! I must WRITE! (beat) Wait! That’s a character talking…
MONICA-MELISSA Or, perhaps, the wine?
(SAMANTHA snickers as MS. CONSTANTINE, still a bit hurt, begins to pick up the dishes)
MS. CONSTANTINE Okay, ladies, well I know I am just a hack but…
(begins to take dishes to the kitchen)
SAMANTHA Need any help with those?
MS. CONSTANTINE No, I’ll manage.
MONICA-MELISSA Well, the food was fantastic! Thanks, MS. CONSTANTINE!
MS. CONSTANTINE (as she walks to kitchen) You’re welcome, MM.
MONICA-MELISSA So let me get this straight, she starts inviting a nineteen year-old homeless guy to come take showers in her house? When was this?
SAMANTHA Oh well, I guess it was a little over a year ago, maybe. So the guy starts coming around like twice a week, taking showers, then he asks if he can store his gear here. Then one night, Joan, I think she was stoned on weed and wine, she brings him a towel and notices through the shower curtain that he is masturbating. So she’s like handing him the towel, he takes it with one hand while keeping his other hand on his… his, well you know, so like then Joan uh, asks him if it would be okay to, like, um, to, to watch him masturbate and he says sure…well, that’s how it all got started, they wound up fucking that night, I would suppose—
MONICA-MELISSA Wait, now… MS. CONSTANTINE is… how old?
SAMANTHA Fifty-five now
MONICA-MELISSA And Brad was nineteen?
SAMANTHA Just barely
MONICA-MELISSA You straight women are something I tell you. Not that I haven’t had my flings with younger guys— and women. But, my goodness, if you want a man, they’re a dime a dozen, I can’t understand why she is scraping the bottom of the barrel!
SAMANTHA It’s an illness, an addiction, co-dependency is what she calls it—
MONICA-MELISSA Well, I have spent nearly ten years in AA, NA and even been to a couple of SLA meetings and heard many people talk about codependency but never have I heard a case like this, a predilection for homeless guys…I’m sorry I guess I am being a bit judgmental—
SAMANTHA You think? (beat) Well, I am worried about her. She was telling about another guy that she only put up for a couple weeks before she threw his shit out on the street and I think I overheard her telling her mom that this guy said he was going to come back—apparently he’s back down in San Bernardino or someplace—anyway, she was telling her mom that he was going to come back and hurt her and…that’s why I think she’s been practicing target shooting.
MS. CONSTANTINE (returning from kitchen) Well, ladies, it’s been a lovely evening…
SAMANTHA It sure has been—
MONICA-MELISSA Yes, an enjoyable time but we didn’t really get much accomplished, guys…perhaps, we can meet later in the week, are you all free Friday afternoon, say around 3pm.
SAMANTHA I guess…
MS. CONSTANTINE Sure, I’m in, oh wait no, I have a therapy appointment at 2:30 so I won’t be back until about 4:30-5pm
MONICA-MELISSA And I am starting rehearsals this week every night except Sundays.
MS. CONSTANTINE So I guess it’s next Sunday then—
MONICA-MELISSA Well, I am not even sure about Sundays yet—
SAMANTHA So I heard that you got a part in “Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmie Dean, Jimmie Dean”?
MONICA-MELISSA Yes, as Juanita…(with a Texas accent) I guess mainly cause of my killer Texican accent (doing Juanita) “Jimmie Dean, Jimmie Dean? You come back to the five and dime right now, Jimmie Dean”—but I am real excited about this project too and somehow we have to make time to keep moving it forward. I’ll keep writing and Joan you keep writing too. I am sure we can find a way to make it mesh.
MS. CONSTANTINE Okay, I will, thanks MM
MONICA-MELISSA So I’ll let you guys know later in the week about Sunday
MS. CONSTANTINE Thanks ladies see you both next time whenever that is–
(fade to black)