Glenda Gary Gwen Rose

#glendagarygwenrose

Glenda Gary, Gwen Rose First Complete Draft 5-26-2016 Slightly rev 5-27

Harper Nicole Anderson

with additional ideas and select language by Deborah C. Segal

JOAN CONSTANTINE a fifty-something divorced spinster of sorts with a predilection for picking up young homeless guys and letting them shower in her home

MONICA-MELISSA a sixty-year-old woman who identifies as a lesbian, a returning student at Cal Berkeley, she is finding some success as an actor and playwright

SAMANTHA a fifty-something part time actor and full time employee for UCPD at the “bevatron”

SCHMIDT, JOAN CONSTANTINE’s therapist

JULIETTE VINIAGRETTE homeless unofficial Berkeley poet laureate, a lesbian

(Roles of DR. SCHMIDT and JULIETTE can be doubled)

BOARDER

BRAD now twenty-one, a homeless guy and JOAN CONSTANTINE’s ex-boyfriend

(BRAD can be portrayed as an offstage voice)

TIME and Place The present; Berkeley California

SCENE I

A meeting at JOAN CONSTANTINE’s home to discuss the co-writing of their parody of Glengarry Glen Ross.

MS CONSTANTINE Would you like some of this soup I made. It’s delish!

SAMANTHA Yes, sure, thanks

MONICA-MELISSA No thanks, So have you guys come up with any new ideas or, better yet, dialogue for our new scenario?

SAMANTHA No I just haven’t had the time—

JOAN CONSTANTINE

Me neither—

MONICA Well I have come up with a few things, tropes mostly—

SAMANTHA What’s a trope?

MONICA-MELISSA Well, I am not sure I know how to explain it, I uh it’s kind a like a meme only—

JOAN CONSTANTINE (types into her smart phone) Hold on here I got it (reads very rapidly) A trope is a word used in a nonliteral sense to create a powerful image. If you say, “Chicago’s worker bees buzz around the streets,” you’re using a trope—

SAMANTHA —-Bees buzzing? What the—?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Trope may also refer to different types of figures of speech, such as puns, metaphors and—

SAMANTHA (with slight sarcasm) –Oh now I understand.

MONICA-MELISSA So I came up with a title Glenda Gary, Gwen Rose, which represent two main characters not the real estate they are selling and, of course, they are not selling real estate—

SAMANTHA (more sarcasm) Of course—

JOAN CONSTANTINE (eagerly) What are they selling?

MONICA-MELISSA Well, instead of real estate, they are selling a course for women allegedly created by the granddaughter of Abraham Maslow.

SAMANTHA Maslow?

MONICA-MELISSA The famed psychologist Abraham Maslow who created Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, (JOAN CONSTANTINE types into phone) you must have seen the pyramid.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh here you go, (shows screen to SAMANTHA) the lowest tier of the pyramid is basic needs, food, clothing, shelter, then safety and security, all the way to the top, self-actualization such as creativity, blah, blah

MONICA-MELISSA The coursework guarantees that all women completing it will achieve the top of the Maslow Pyramid and if you haven’t already guessed, it’s a Multi-Level Marketing scheme. All the salespeople—

SAMANTHA –Wait a second! Let me get this straight. This is a pyramid scheme about reaching the top of Maslow’s pyramid?

MONICA-MELISSA Yes, I guess it is but as I was saying…All are part of an elite unit who are successful enough that they work fulltime and almost all the salespeople are cisgender women, mostly middle-aged except—

SAMANTHA –What is a cisgender woman?

MONICA-MELISSA Well, it’s a person whose birth gender matches the gender they were given when they were born—

SAMANTHA Oh I think I get it.

MONICA-MELISSA So, AS I WAS SAYING, all are Cis-women except a very effeminate gay man and a beautiful and younger pre-op transgender woman. All the successful agents drive Pink Toyotas—top agents get Landcruisers— and the reps are generally responsible for prospecting their own leads. However, the top two salespeople will be awarded the coveted Gwen Rose leads—

SAMANTHA –Why are they called the Gwen Rose leads?

MONICA-MELISSA Because the sales manager Gwen Rose will be distributing them!

SAMANTHA Oh that’s the ones they’re going to steal?

MONICA-MELISSA YES! That’s the ones they are going to steal! For Christ’s sake! But you are getting way ahead of me. Oh and one more minor yet important detail. Salespeople are also given weaker leads generated by schnorrers who—

SAMANTHA Schnorrers?

MONICA-MELISSA (pauses and glares at SAMANTHA) Yes, these schnorrers or freeloaders fill out raffle tickets in hopes of winning a new Yaris.

SAMANTHA Yaris?

MONICA-MELISSA Stop! JUST STOP! (beat) Okay, if you must know, it’s the new Toyota Sub-compact that replaced the Echo—

JOAN CONSTANTINE (trying to be funny) Hellooooo? Helooooooo?

MONICA-MELISSA (sighs at JOAN CONSTANTINE’s acting out) Anyway, Glenda Gary is the main character whose spouse has breast cancer. She once was the top agent but since her partner’s illness, her sales have plummeted and now she just struggles to keep her job so if nothing else she keeps her health insurance.

SAMANTHA Oh based on the Jack Lemmon character, Shelley the Machine Levine—

MONICA-MELISSA Yes, and before you ask, this is the guy or in this case, the woman who steals the leads!

SAMANTHA Maybe we could get Jack Lemmon in drag like in Some Like It Hot!

MONICA-MELISSA Except maybe that he’s been dead for like ten or twenty years!

SAMANTHA Well, I guess not then—

JOAN CONSTANTINE Wow, MM, you have put a lot into this?

MONICA-MELISSA Well, that’s barely the beginning, speaking of which I am thinking of beginning the play similar to the first major scene in the film, remember the Alec Baldwin character who was on a mission of mercy?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yes!

SAMANTHA Oh yeah! He was great!

MONICA-MELISSA But I want to make the character somehow much different—

SAMANTHA Instead of a man, we could make him a woman!

JOAN CONSTANTINE That’s not different, Sam, they are all—almost all–women!

SAMANTHA Oh that’s right. Well maybe we can make him the effeminate man unless you had that trope in mind for another character

MONICA-MELISSA Hmm, well I—

–

SAMANTHA Why not make him the young pre-op tranny, imagine having to take orders from him—

MONICA-MELISSA Hah! Not a bad idea but first of all, tranny is a slur and secondly transsexual women are to be called by their preferred pronouns: she and her. Jeesh! Haven’t you watched Kiss Me Caitlin or Call Me Caitlin or whatever they call that fercockta show?

SAMANTHA Okay she and her. Got it!

MONICA-MELISSA Anyway, a young and beautiful pre-op transwoman exercising authority over these older and not-as-successful and maybe not-even-as-pretty cisgender women might be an excellent trope!

SAMANTHA Could I get some more of this soup, Joan?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh sure!

(JOAN CONSTANTINE picks up SAMANTHA’s bowl and exits)

SAMANTHA (almost whispering) You know I am starting to worry about Joan. First of all, I think that she is still in love with Brad—

MONICA-MELISSA Who’s Brad?

SAMANTHA (snickering) Oh you mean she hasn’t told you about Brad?

MONICA-MELISSA No

SAMANTHA (hearing that JOAN CONSTANTINE is leaving the kitchen) Oh that’s a long story, I will fill you in later but apparently she is in recovery for co-dependency, she has a bad habit of picking up homeless guys?

MONICA-MELISSA Homeless guys?

SAMANTHA Yeah, you know those guys that hang outside the Amoeba on Telegraph—

(stops as she hears JOAN CONSTANTINE approaching)

JOAN CONSTANTINE Here we go, more soup! Still some left, sure you don’t want some, MM?

MONICA-MELISSA No thanks JC.

SAMANTHA So won’t Mamet sue us for copyright infringement?

MONICA-MELISSA No he can’t, it’s a parody and parodies are protected under the First Amendment right of free expression. I think that I recall the latest case involving Two Live Crew and Weird Al Yanko—

SAMANTHA –Two Live Crew?

MONICA-MELISSA (tersely) Two Live Crew! A rap group form Miami! You know “Me So Horny”

MS CONSTANINE starts singing

Oh me so horny, Oh me so horny, oh me so horny, you love me long time

MONICA-MELISSA glares at her and she stops.)

(cont’d) Anyway, I am pretty sure it is settled law, far more settled I would venture to say than whether or not individuals can own guns.[1]

(JOAN CONSTANTINE laughs, SAMANTHA scratches her temple)

JOAN CONSTANTINE Have you written any dialogue yet, MM?

MONICA-MELISSA Besides scribbling down a few lines, no not really but I have thought a lot about, as I said, various tropes and memes.

(SAMANTHA starts to talk but stops when MONICA-MELISSA stares her down)

(Cont’d) For instance, I will portray men as being weak. I will try to turn language on its head. Like instead of a word like say, pussy conveying weakness, it will convey strength! In the world of Glenda Gary Gwen Rose saying “he’s da man” will become an insult.

SAMANTHA (disappointed) So we have nothing to read tonight?

MONICA-MELISSA No but maybe we’ll work on our monologues…

SAMANTHA Alright I guess—JOAN CONSTANTINE, got any more of that soup?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Sure, hon.

(JOAN CONSTANTINE picks up SAMANTHA’s bowl and exits)

MONICA-MELISSA So tell me more about Brad!

SAMANTHA Well, I will need to fill you in on Brad later but the thing that amazes me is she is still doing it. Just last week she was telling me about this other guy–this homeless guy—well she was telling me about this guy she met by the name of Goat, can you imagine? Anyways, this guy Goat—

(fade to black)

Scene II

Another meeting at JOAN CONSTANTINE’s home (JOAN CONSTANTINE and MONICA-MELISSA are seated in JOAN CONSTANTINE’s living room.)

JOAN CONSTANTINE I have got to tend to the vegan chili I am making… when Sam shows up just let her in, meantime, will you take a look at some of the dialogue I wrote, I think you’ll like it and Herb told me—

MONICA-MELISSA Herb?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yes, Herb, you know the guy who published the play I wrote about the Tate-La Bianca Murders He has been mentoring me, and suggested that I adopt a type of Chekhovian dialogue in which the characters simply talk about stuff.

MONICA-MELISSA Just talk about stuff?

JOAN CONSTANTINE (enthusiastically) So I have been reading The Seagull for inspiration.

MONICA-MELISSA Well, I can hardly wait. Okay well I’ll have a look at these then while you…

JOAN CONSTANTINE Okay then (exits to kitchen)

(MONICA-MELISSA shuffles through papers, reads a bit then puts the papers down and looks at her watch, reads a bit more, then the doorbell rings and she goes to the door)

SAMANTHA Hey, sorry I’m late…

MONICA-MELISSA Joan said just have a seat while she finishes making her chili, she left me some dialogue to read but it’s fairly tepid— tedious and pedantic actually—you see, Herb, you know the guy you told me she slept with so he would publish her play? He’s mentoring her, the ultimate case of the blind leading the blind as it were—he told her to write Chekhovian dialogue (pause) which apparently she interprets to mean that she should have her characters talk about nothing— but far more compelling, perhaps, is that you never finished telling me about Brad…

SAMANTHA Oh my God well, again, that’s a really long story, but first, I gotta tell you the latest, Joan’s been practicing target-shooting.

MONICA-MELISSA Bows and arrows I hope?

SAMANTHA No, guns! Pistols! A Glock!

MONICA-MELISSA Where? There are pistol ranges in Berkeley?

SAMANTHA No, out in Antioch somewhere.

MONICA-MELISSA As if they need more bullets flying in Antioch!

SAMANTHA I suppose. Anyway, Brad left her the gun, said she’d need it for protection. Funny though seeing that she might have needed it more back then—that is, to protect herself from him.

MONICA-MELISSA How long has Brad been gone?

SAMANTHA It’s been awhile like, uh—

(JOAN CONSTANTINE enters carrying tray)

JOAN CONSTANTINE Got some delish vegan chili coming, ladies! (putting down three bowls of chili and a plate of rolls on the coffee table) Hi Sam, there you go, you’re gonna have some too, MM?

MONICA-MELISSA Oh sure, a little, it is vegan though?

JOAN CONSTANTINE A hundred-percent! (beat) Had a chance to look at my drafts?

MONICA-MELISSA No, not really.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Is it okay if I read you ladies some of my stuff?

SAMANTHA I am sure Monica-Melissa can’t wait to hear them.

MONICA-MELISSA I’m all ears.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Okay let me see. Okay so have we named the transwoman character yet, the Alec Baldwin prototype?

MONICA-MELISSA Not yet.

SAMANTHA How about Penelope Petrilovich?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Ha! Penelope PETROLovich. That’s a real gas!

MONICA-MELISSA She might add some real fuel to the fire!

JOAN CONSTANTINE Indeed.

SAMANTHA But it’s Petrolivich not Petrolovich

MONICA-MELISSA Petrolovich, Petrilovich, whatever…well…okay then, but mainly because I like alliteration.

SAMANTHA Alliteration?

MONICA-MELISSA Oh, please let’s not start that again! Joan, just, just go ahead and read!

JOAN CONSTANTINE So here goes, Penelope is at a sales meeting discussing the fate of women up until recent times, okay then here we go,

Nurses, Barmaids, Teachers, Waitresses, Sex Slaves, Downstairs Maids and Mistresses, Receptionists, Typists, the lowly Milk Maiden All of these, so common, so barren, so craven This was to be our fate, Thus She spoke, the Great Mama Raven

In me are the souls of Elektra, Medea, Madame Bovary, Troy’s Helen Hecuba, Hepburn, Holiday and Ellen Sacagawea, Eleanor, Iphigenia, Yoko Ono Janis, Barbra, Ella and, yes, even Cher Bono In me are all the souls of all women past and that of the lowest worm. So here I stand before you ladies, look into my womb—

SAMANTHA (interrupting) Do you have any Tylenol, Joan?

MONICA-MELISSA (laughing) Oh it’s giving you a headache too. Well, I thought it was great but decadent. You, you symbolist! (laughs) Okay, so that’s your Chekhovian monologue, a feminine version of Treplev, as it were. Good effort, but it makes no sense whatsoever in the context of the Glenda Gary Gwen Rose plot.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well Sam cut me off before I got to the motivational part, the part where I explain that the Maslow Method for Women can ultimately reverse the Patriarchal Hegemony.

SAMANTHA Patriarchal Hegemon—

MONICA-MELISSA Oh Christ, here we go again. Look, let’s take a break and have some chili and those rolls look delicious….

JOAN CONSTANTINE Straight out of the oven…from scratch!

(All stop for a few moments and eat)

MONICA-MELISSA Mmm, they are good… Well, they say if you can learn how to bake, you can learn how to become a playwright.

SAMANTHA Who said that?

MONICA-MELISSA Uh—um, Aristotle?

SAMANTHA Oh

MONICA-MELISSA Anyway, these rolls are superb, and if I might impose, could I trouble you for another small portion of the chili?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Sure and I am having some Almaden Chardonnay, would you like some Sam and some more water for you, MM?

MONICA-MELISSA Water’s great.

SAMANTHA A little wine is fine…and I’ll have some more chili too

JOAN CONSTANTINE Okay then

(picks up bowls and exits)

SAMANTHA Looks like she moved a step up from Carlo Rossi in a box.

MONICA-MELISSA Well, I guess that the exposure to Chekhov might elevate one’s taste. So you were telling me Brad left her a gun, a Glock?

SAMANTHA Yes but I still can’t figure out why the cops didn’t take it?

MONICA-MELISSA The cops?

SAMANTHA The SWAT team.

MONICA-MELISSA The SWAT team?

SAMANTHA Oh that’s right I hadn’t gotten to that part, well that’s how the story ends. Joan asked Brad to leave and they got into a violent argument that ended with a SWAT team removing Brad from the house.

MONICA-MELISSA So, that’s how it ended but how did it start, for heaven’s sake?

SAMANTHA Well, as I was saying those guys that hang out on Telegraph, he was one of them. He was nineteen when she met him—NINETEEN! And it all started when he asked her if he could take occasional showers at her house—

JOAN CONSTANTINE (enters carrying tray) Okay, ladies, here we go, wine, more soup, and water for MM!

MONICA-MELISSA Thanks, JC!!

SAMANTHA Thanks, (takes sip of wine) oh (rather surprised) this is nice, mellow, fine bouquet—

JOAN CONSTANTINE So you gals never let me get into the part of my speech where the character explains that the Maslow Method for Women can reverse the Global Patriarchal Hegemony…

SAMANTHA Global Patriarchal HegeMOny? (pronounces with accent on the third syllable) What’s hegeMOny?

MONICA-MELISSA Enough already!

JOAN CONSTANTINE No, no that’s all right, I-I’ll look it up for her (types into her smart phone) Okay, here you go from Wikipedia… (begins reading rapidly but slows down when she begins doubting what she’s reading) Patriarchal hegemony: A key part of the wholly imaginary worldwide conspiracy against women. This fictional force, blah, blah, blah would seek to deny women their most basic and fundamental rights, if they existed, which they don’t. Through various publicity stunts, like burning brassieres and chaining themselves to fences, feminazis have slowly eroded men’s rights to the point where they are barely able to make jokes about women at all, existing merely as servants to the women’s every whim. Patriarchal Hegemony is living in every person who believes that women HAVE NOT been subjected to years of struggle under the dominance of men. since people could conceive of ideas like “Do I want to have sex with this person?” It pretty much when people asked “Do I want to have sex with this person?’ In other words, Men wanting to bone women—

MONICA-MELISSA –This is from Wikipedia?

JOAN CONSTANTINE

(ignores MONICA-MELISSA and keeps reading)

–and later realized they didn’t want to bone them for a number reasons such as financial instability, smoking too much marijuana, stupidity, and lack of transportation or erectile dysfunction. After man realized that they were physically stronger they decided that it might be better just to abuse women into submission. Then after the Bible—

MONICA-MELISSA Stop! Are you SURE this is from Wikipedia?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, yes, no wait…it’s from wikia.com…not Wikipedia.com… the Uncyclopdia (pause) Well, it sure LOOKED like Wikipedia…

MONICA-MELISSA Oh, for crying out loud!

SAMANTHA I’m so confused

JOAN CONSTANTINE Hold on now (types into phone) Let me see well I can’t seem to find anything else on Patriarchal Hegemony—

MONICA-MELISSA Could that be because it’s a made-up term?

JOAN CONSTANTINE No wait, I found something… Review: Gender Struggles: Patriarchal Hegemony in Colonial Massachusetts…but it requires a Cal Berkeley log in…

MONICA-MELISSA Ha! No patriarchy there.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yes, it certainly was burning issue then. Patriarchal Hegemony to the nth degree.

SAMANTHA I don’t get it.

MONICA-MELISSA Look, guys, we are really getting off track, I’ll look over the rest of Joan’s dialogue later but I really think it doesn’t fit, it’s far too abstract…

SAMANTHA I think we need to give Joan a chance.

MONICA-MELISSA We did. We let her read but it obviously doesn’t work.

(Seeing that JOAN CONSTANTINE seems hurt)

(Cont’d) Look, I am sorry but I-I just have to be honest. Play writing is difficult. Keep writing though `and maybe we can find a way to use some of it. (beat) And always remember to apply the Marsha Norman exercise to every scene. And that all dialogue must either develop character or move the plot forward.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, I will write. I will continue to write because I must! I must WRITE! (beat) Wait! That’s a character talking…

MONICA-MELISSA Or, perhaps, the wine?

(SAMANTHA snickers as JOAN CONSTANTINE, still a bit hurt, begins to pick up the dishes)

JOAN CONSTANTINE Okay, ladies, well I know I am just a hack but…

(begins to take dishes to the kitchen)

SAMANTHA Need any help with those?

JOAN CONSTANTINE No, I’ll manage.

MONICA-MELISSA Well, the food was fantastic! Thanks, JC,

JOAN CONSTANTINE (as she walks to kitchen) You’re welcome, MM.

MONICA-MELISSA So let me get this straight, she starts inviting a nineteen year-old homeless guy to come take showers in her house? When was this?

SAMANTHA Oh well, I guess it was a little over a year ago, maybe. So the guy starts coming around like twice a week, taking showers, then he asks if he can store his gear here. Then one night, Joan, I think she was stoned on weed and wine, she brings him a towel and notices through the shower curtain that he is masturbating. So she’s like handing him the towel, he takes it with one hand while keeping his other hand on his… his, well you know, so Joan asks him if it would be okay to, like, watch him masturbate and he says sure…well, that’s how it all got started, they wound up fucking that night, I would suppose—

MONICA-MELISSA Wait, now… Joan is… how old?

SAMANTHA Fifty-five now

MONICA-MELISSA And Brad was nineteen?

SAMANTHA Just barely!

MONICA-MELISSA You straight women are something I tell you. Not that I haven’t had my flings with younger guys— and women. But, my goodness, if you want a man, they’re a dime a dozen, I can’t understand why she is scraping the bottom of the barrel!

SAMANTHA It’s an illness, an addiction, co-dependency is what she calls it—

MONICA-MELISSA Well, I have spent nearly ten years in AA, NA and even been to a couple of SLA meetings and heard many people talk about codependency but never have I heard a case like this, a predilection for homeless guys…I’m sorry I guess I am being a bit judgmental—

SAMANTHA You think? (beat) Well, I am worried about her. She was telling about another guy that she only put up for a couple weeks before she threw his shit out on the street and I think I overheard her telling her mom that this guy said he was going to come back—apparently he’s back down in San Bernardino or someplace—anyway, she was telling her mom that he was going to come back and hurt her and…that’s why I think she’s been practicing target shooting.

JOAN CONSTANTINE (returning from kitchen) Well, ladies, it’s been a lovely evening…

SAMANTHA It sure has been—

MONICA-MELISSA Yes, an enjoyable time but we didn’t really get much accomplished, guys…perhaps, we can meet later in the week, are you all free Friday afternoon, say around 3pm.

SAMANTHA I guess…

JOAN CONSTANTINE Sure, I’m in, oh wait no, I have a therapy appointment at 2:30 so I won’t be back until about 4:30-5pm, then again so maybe we could—

MONICA-MELISSA And I am starting rehearsals this week every night except Sundays.

SAMANTHA Yeah, I heard that you got a part in “Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmie Dean, Jimmie Dean”?

MONICA-MELISSA Yes, as Juanita…(with a Texas accent) I guess mainly cause of my killer Texican accent (doing Juanita) “Jimmie Dean, Jimmie Dean? You come back to the five and dime right now, Jimmie Dean”—but I am real excited about this project too and somehow we have to make time to keep moving it forward. I’ll keep writing and JC you keep writing too. I am sure we can find a way to make it mesh.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Okay, I will, thanks MM

MONICA-MELISSA So I’ll let you guys know later in the week about Sunday

(fade to black)

Scene III

JOAN CONSTANTINE sees her Therapist: Dr. Natasha Schmidt

(DR. SCHMIDT sits at her desk in a cramped, disheveled 8×10 office. On one side is a bookshelf crammed with books, magazines and old newspapers and strewn everywhere else are floor-to-ceiling piles of folders. JOAN CONSTANTINE sits opposite of her slouched in a folding chair.)

SCHMIDT So how’s your week been going?

JOAN CONSTANTINE (angry) The week? (angrier) My week? What about my last SIX weeks? Six weeks since I have been able to see someone in this fercockta Kaiser health care rip-off. You know what I am going to do? I am going to organize a protest—a protest to expose Kaiser’s cockamamie mental health siphoning of care. Be well and thrive! What a fucking joke! You pay Martha Stewart a million dollars to do your TV commercials* and—

SCHMIDT ——-That’s not Martha Stewart—

JOAN CONSTANTINE —if you didn’t pay her a million dollars—

SCHMIDT —It’s an actor that sounds like Martha Stewart—

JOAN CONSTANTINE —maybe then you would have more money to provide your members with decent health care—

SCHMIDT So by the sounds of it, you’re off your meds again?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Don’t you recall? You were going to change my meds so I can have my one glass of wine that I enjoy every day.

SCHMIDT Oh, that’s right. I have looked into it and I really can’t find anything that you can mix with alcohol. But you seem really agitated. Would you consider Anger Control therapy, that’ll give you some support between our sessions?

JOAN CONSTANTINE I don’t know. I don’t particularly like hanging out with a bunch of guys who beat their wives.

SCHMIDT I think it will do you good.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, okay, maybe.

SCHMIDT And the twelve-step codependency group, how’s that been going?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Haven’t gone.

SCHMIDT Mizz Constantine, I really think you need to start taking care of yourself. And the Pilates and the nature walks? Remember you told me how much better you feel when you do those? I imagine they have fallen by the wayside as well?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yes

SCHMIDT Well Mizz Constantine…Joan… I don’t know what to say, you come here wanting help but you don’t seem to want to help yourself. Charity begins at home—or something like that—

JOAN CONSTANTINE So far I have been sitting in this shithole of an office for twenty minutes and all you have done is browbeat me for not having done this or that or the other. We have NOT spent a single minute on what’s bothering me. I am not paying you to browbeat me. I am paying you to HELP me.

SCHMIDT So— how is it that I can help you?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Jesus Christ! You sound like a fucking used car salesman? How can I help you today? Would you like to drive this baby home? Huh, huh? You’re pathetic!

SCHMIDT Look, Joan, we are not her to discuss me if you want I can get you a new therapist—

JOAN CONSTANTINE Why? The next one might be even less competent than you. If I could afford it, I would go outside the system but I can’t… maybe I shouldn’t have retired early seeing that it’ll be another six years before I can collect Social Security and years before my pension kicks in. Meantime, all I have is the pittance I get for the back room and she’s moving out after the semester. I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do for money. And by the way, I am now paying $350 a month in COBRA payments for this shitty health care! Three hundred and fifty dollars for this! I can’t sleep at night. My binge eating has returned and I have these severe migraines. And I miss Brad! I really, really, really miss Brad! And besides that this other guy that I had put up—

SCHMIDT Another guy? Another homeless guy? Who?

JOAN CONSTANTINE His name is Zack if you must know. Anyway, this guy was real trouble—I could see it coming so –I only agreed to let him store his gear in my backyard?

SCHMIDT Your backyard?

JOAN CONSTANTINE My backyard shed.

SCHMIDT Oh

JOAN CONSTANTINE So he starts coming by all the time and I think he was shooting smack, plus, I noticed he had a gun in his gear

SCHMIDT A gun in his gear?

JOAN CONSTANTINE. Yes, he carried a pistol in his pack, a Beretta in his bindle and not only that I think he was a paranoid-schizophrenic, back then, the Black Lives Matters Protests were going on and there were helicopters every night and he thought the helicopters were Black Hawks coming after him because they thought he was KGB agent.

SCHMIDT KGB? Well they haven’t existed since the breakup of the Soviet—

JOAN CONSTANTINE No shit but this guy was not dealing with a full deck—and he kept hanging around and refused to leave.

DR SCHMIDT So why—why didn’t you take steps to have him removed?

JOAN CONSTANTINE No, don’t do the po, bro!

SCHMIDT The po? BRO?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Don’t do the po no mo!

SCHMIDT Po…no…mo? Miss Constantine, would you kindly speak English?

JOAN CONSTANTINE THE po, you know?

SCHMIDT Edgar Allen Poe? What does he have to do with it?

JOAN CONSTANTINE (dramatically) Once upon a midnight dreary—

SCHMIDT Miss Constantine!

JOAN CONSTANTINE –while I pondered, weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore. While I nodded, nearly napping—

SCHMIDT –Joan!—

JOAN CONSTANTINE –suddenly there came a tapping as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door—

SCHMIDT –JOAN Constantine! —

JOAN CONSTANTINE ’Tis some visitor, I muttered, tapping at my chamber door—Only this and nothing more—

SCHMIDT –Enough!

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, that’s all I know and no not Edgar Allen Poe, silly. I don’t do the po no mo cause the last time I called the po—the police–they wound up sending in a SWAT team and they almost shot Brad!!

SCHMIDT Okay, yes I think I remember you telling me—so you don’t call the police anymore—so what exactly did you wind up doing?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, this guy Zack refused to leave so I threw his shit out on the street and locked the doors and I haven’t seen him since but then I was talking to this guy on Telegraph the other night. This guy goat—

SCHMIDT Zygote? Joan, I know you like ‘em young but can’t you wait until they are at least full term?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Not ZY-gote this guy goat— oh he’s real cute too, got dreadlocks down to here and he’s like 45— close to being age-appropriate—he told me that his real name was Dave but he changed it to GOAT—

SCHMIDT Why would anyone change his name to Goat?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Because it stands for Greatest of All Time! Isn’t that the bomb?

(DR. SCHMIDT just sighs)

(Cont’d) Well, I thought it was anyway.

SCHMIDT So Joan,. back to Zack?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh, right, well Goat was telling me that he talked to Zack, he’s down in San Bernardino or some God-forsaken place, and he’s really pissed and that he is going to hurt me the next time he comes up to Berkeley, hurt me real bad…

SCHMIDT So Joan, as I was saying, you need to really start taking care of yourself, can you not see that this sort of behavior is putting yourself at risk, that you are putting yourself in GRAVE danger?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yes, well, I can’t seem to help myself. I was thinking of just renting out the house [2] and moving in with my mom, she needs my help anyway I mean she is getting up there, ya know plus she is recovering from food poisoning! She started eating vegan and got some bad organic veggies from Costco, damn them!

Dr. SCHMIDT So how is she doing?

JOAN CONSTANTINE I mean what kind of country are we living in? If you can’t trust Costco I mean who can you trust? (beat) Oh she’s doing really well but she is still kind of weak—

SCHMIDT If you need to do this for your mom’s sake that’s fine but it is not going to do anything for your long term recovery and if that’s the sole reason—to keep you from being able to pick up homeless guys—I would advise against it.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, I got to do something.

SCHMIDT Yes, you do.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, I did.

SCHMIDT You did?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yes, I did something

DR SCHMIDT Something?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Something to protect myself

DR SCHMIDT To protect yourself?

JOAN CONSTANTINE So, well, you know Brad left me a gun—

SCHMIDT A gun? I thought Zack was the one with the gun—

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well Brad was packin’ too

SCHMIDT (muttering) Oh my Lord

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yes, so he left me a gun so I could protect myself. And I have been learning how to use it, taking target practice—

SCHMIDT Oh Miss Constantine, I don’t know what to say. You’re an intelligent woman and you must know that most guns purportedly to be used for an individual’s protection end up harming the individual or a loved one. I must ask you to turn that gun in.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well I won’t. I need it to protect myself.

SCHMIDT Well, Ms Constantine, I have done about as much as I can do with you, I just don’t know where to turn. (long pause) Would you consider getting back on Zoloft? It seemed to really help but you would have to stop drinking, you would have to promise not to mix the two.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, I can’t do that, I enjoy my wine too much…say… maybe you can prescribe me medical marijuana?

SCHMIDT I don’t prescribe pot and I certainly would not prescribe it to someone with such an addictive personality.

JOAN CONSTANTINE I have an addictive personality?

SCHMIDT. Joan! Denial is not a river in Egypt.

JOAN CONSTANTINE I suppose—not.

SCHMIDT Well, we’re running out of time but at least promise me, you will start going back to meetings and I will set you up with an Anger Control group. And please, please, please, turn the gun in.

JOAN CONSTANTINE I will give it some thought but the target practice is really helping me with my self-esteem…feeling powerful!

SCHMIDT Seems to me you could find some other way to build your self-esteem…why not martial arts or something?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Not a bad idea…but for now, I am just going to keep exercising my Second Amendment rights.

SCHMIDT (with resignation) Okay, Joan, well we are out of time but at least you will resume the Co-dependency group meetings and I’ll sign you up for the Tuesday night Anger Control group.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Okay…I Guess

(blackout)

Scene IV

Another meeting in JOAN CONSTANTINE’s living room

JOAN CONSTANTINE Hello, Sam, early for a change, huh?

SAMANTHA Yes, I know…but I didn’t work today so and I also got a good night’s sleep last night so—

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yeah you said I know you been telling me you haven’t been sleeping well—

SAMANTHA It’s the job, I hate my job—

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well of all the things that I might imagine that you might do for a living, the last one I would ever think of would be that you worked in any capacity for the UCPD—

SAMANTHA Yeah, you know everyone says the same thing, in fact that is very same thing Monica-Melissa said when she found out—makes me think that maybe I am not suited for this type work

JOAN CONSTANTINE What exactly is it that you do for the police, MM was wondering that too, as a matter of fact.

SAMANTHA Well, I work security up at the bevatron, really boring yet stressful too especially with these damn swing-shifts, I can never get enough rest. Is Monica-Melissa coming?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Bevatron? I thought you worked up at the lab?

SAMANTHA Same thing except Monica-Melissa always calls it “the bevatron”. I don’t know why….you have to ask her.

JOAN CONSTANTINE

I will and anyway yes, she said she’d be here by five but you’re early, it’s only twenty till—

SAMANTHA Oh wait I do remember her telling me. She says it’s a reference to something in “Why I Write” by Joan Didion

JOAN CONSTANTINE Joan who?

SAMANTHA Didion, Joan, Joan Didion

JOAN CONSTANTINE Never heard of her

SAMANTHA Really? Anyway, Monica-Melissa said that for some reason when Didino wrote about the lights being on at The Bevatron, it always stuck with her, so she always refers to it in the Didionesque manner of calling it the bevatron…anyway….I think she’s really smart and a great writer—Monica-Melissa that is…of course Didion is a great writer too and I am surprised you never read her–anyway Monica-Melissa did get that one play produced and she’s actually in a play which is more than we have accomplished but I don’t think she gives you a chance, your writing is really good but she doesn’t give you much of a chance.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, I have my style and she has her voice which is very strong and even though we are supposed to be co-writing this thing, I don’t think it can mesh unless we actually like physically spend time together, I am thinking we might have to sit for hours with yellow legal pads the way Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Woody Allen and Neil Simon might have done it when they wrote for Sid Caesar. I am fine with her using my ideas though.

SAMANTHA Well, I have learned a lot working with her, probably as much as I learned from Josh actually.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, there’s only so much you can learn in an acting class that only meets one hour a week.

SAMANTHA Plus Monica-Melissa has this presence, and this passion this drive—plus she is really attractive.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Why then do you seem to like trying to get under her skin?

SAMANTHA Well, uh, it’s just my way of flirting, I guess—

JOAN CONSTANTINE Flirting? But you are straight!

SAMANTHA Well, yes, I have only been with men—up until now, that is—but there is just something about her, her forcefulness, her dominance, her presence, I have to admit, I have a really deep crush—

MONICA-MELISSA (flinging open the screen-door) You guys are not going to believe what happened to me last night!

(JOAN CONSTANTINE and SAMANTHA both throw up their hands in surprise)

MONICA-MELISSA Oh sorry I startled you guys but the door was open—

JOAN CONSTANTINE So what happened?

MONICA-MELISSA Well, last night I am walking home on Telegraph, after rehearsal, must have been about ten-thirty, when all of the sudden, this guy appears before me who turns out to be the Southside Flasher—I got flashed by the Southside Flasher!

JOAN CONSTANTINE (laughing) Oh my God, you’re kidding!

SAMANTHA (smiling) No shit!

MONICA-MELISSA So just like on the news reports, he was wearing a fedora and a black trench coat and he just like jumps in front of me, opens his coat and exposes himself, only what he exposes is not his dick but like a twelve inch long kielbasa tied to his pants zipper! So I start to scream but then I just start laughing and before I know it the guy had just disappeared into thin air!

SAMANTHA Monica-Melissa, tell me, before he accosted you were you doing one of these? (makes gesture with thumbs as if texting on a smart phone)

MONICA-MELISSA I sure was but how the devil did you know?

SAMANTHA Well, it hasn’t been divulged to the public yet but so far, several of the women who reported being accosted by this guy or guys have reported that they were texting when he attacked, that is the one commonality besides the fedora, the trench coat, the locale, always on or near Telegraph within blocks of the campus and the kielbasa —although the size of the sausage has varied from six inches to over a foot.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, I suppose all that flashing does tend to work up an appetite.

MONICA-MELISSA (at first puzzled) Oh, I get it.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Sam, you mentioned “this guy— or guys?” There might be more than one?

SAMANTHA Well, the funny thing is…now, remember most of these women are millennials who walk the streets even late at night oblivious to their surroundings– so we haven’t got a real good description of this creep, except that he is white or possibly Latino with no facial hair but we have had a few women tell us he has short hair, a few tell us long stringy hair and yet others report that he wears dreadlocks. So we think that it might be several guys who are getting a hard-on accosting young women late at night.

JOAN CONSTANTINE So why haven’t they arrested this guy—or guys?

SAMANTHA Well, I don’t know but, so far, none of the incidents have occurred on campus so the case is out of our jurisdiction and, besides, even if the incident were to occur on campus we’re not so sure what to charge him with—

MONICA-MELISSA So this guy is going around terrorizing women and they aren’t going to charge him with anything?

SAMANTHA I didn’t say we wouldn’t charge him just that we wouldn’t know exactly with what, on the other hand—

JOAN CONSTANTINE The other hand?

SAMANTHA On the other hand—

MONICA-MELISSA I don’t think we’re talking about hands here.

SAMANTHA Well, on the OTHER hand, there are some who feel the guy—or guys—is doing us a service—

MONICA-MELISSA A service?

SAMANTHA Yes, he–or they—are making women become more aware of their surroundings, especially late at night—

MONICA-MELISSA So maybe this guy is an undercover cop going rogue? (beat) Anyway, JC could you fire up the samovar?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Fire up the samo-what?

MONICA-MELISSA Samantha would like some tea.

SAMANTHA I would?

MONICA-MELISSA Yes, you would (pause) and I might like some too…

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, I don’t have a whatchamacallit but I have a kettle…

MONICA-MELISSA Great, thanks JC

SAMANTHA And yes, I suppose I will have some with a little milk, please?

(JOAN CONSTANTINE exits)

SAMANTHA What was that all about?

MONICA-MELISSA Well, first, I just wanted to see if she has really been studying Chekhov—she obviously hasn’t— and secondly, I wanted to get the latest dirt—oh but I gotta tell you this first (pause) the flasher guy, I didn’t want to mention this to Joan but the guy who flashed me looked EXACTLY like the way JC described that guy GOAT!

SAMANTHA You’re kidding!

MONICA-MELISSA As God is my witness! Dreadlocks down to here, pencil thin mustache, goatee, and dark-complected! But anyway listen give me the latest on our pistol-packin’ colleague!

SAMANTHA Well, I am really starting to worry about her, on top of everything else, she is having severe financial problems—

MONICA-MELISSA Really? That’s news, didn’t she say she was going to put up some cash to help us finance the show?

SAMANTHA. Yes, that’s what she said, but I think she was intending to get that money from her mother, who looked at it as an investment because she really bought into Joan’s new career — I mean if you really want to call it a career — but now, with Joan’s behavior, you know practicing at the pistol range and all that, her mom is kind of afraid that she’s going off the deep end.

MONICA-MELISSA Well I’m really worried about her. Someone with a gun and practicing target shooting with financial problems worries me — deeply.

SAMANTHA Oh I wanted to tell you one another thing but this is really a deep, deep secret—

MONICA-MELISSA Yes?

SAMANTHA (leaning over as if to whisper in MONICA-MELISSA’s ear but instead French kisses her ear, MONICA-MELISSA kisses SAMANTHA on the lips and the two embrace passionately. JOAN CONSTANTINE enters, startled, she drops the tray of tea on the floor.)

JOAN CONSTANTINE. Oh my God you two! Get a room.

MONICA-MELISSA (exhaling) Uh—we ARE in a room?

SAMANTHA Whew! Wow, no man has ever kissed me like that!

MONICA-MELISSA No shit!

JOAN CONSTANTINE’S BOARDER (yelling from the dining room) Joan, what’s going on in there?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh I’ve broken a saucer!

JOAN CONSTANTINE’S BOARDER. Well, maybe it will bring you luck!

MONICA-MELISSA. Now that was truly Chekhovian

JOAN CONSTANTINE Huh?

SAMANTHA and MM snicker

SAMANTHA Oh I hope that wasn’t—

JOAN CONSTANTINE No something from the dollar store (beat) So would you guys like me to make some more tea?

No thanks

JOAN CONSTANTINE, Okay guys then I’ll be right back,

Romantic interlude little more gossip

JOAN CONSTANTINE So ladies, think we might not now get down to some work?

SAMANTHA Sure

MONICA-MELISSA Yes, the opening scene—

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well I wrote about a half a page of dialogue between Glenda and her sales manager Gwen.

MONICA-MELISSA I actually wrote a whole scene with Glenda, Penelope Petrilovich, remember, the transwoman from the LA office on a mission of mercy, you know Gwen Rose, and Debbie Moses, my version of the Dave Moss character. But I’ll let Joan go first since she only has a brief monologue.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Okay this is Glenda pleading to Gwen Rose to give her some decent leads: (clears her throat, tries to act Glenda’s desperation but “overacts” a bit) , and MM could you read Gwen’s part?

MONICA-MELISSA Sure

JOAN CONSTANTINE (hands MONICA-MELISSA her script) Okay here goes… The new leads, you know the leads that you are sending Roma out on. Fine and dandy. She’s a good woman. We know what she is. She’s fine. All I’m saying you look at the board, she’s, she’s just throwing them away, she’s throwing the leads away. All that I’m saying, that you’re wasting leads Now look, Gwen, dear—

MONICA-MELISSA Glenda, I am NOT your dear—

(Pulls original Glengarry Glen Ross script from her briefcase and begins leafing through it)

JOAN CONSTANTINE. Sorry, yes Ms.Rose, but, Gwen, Gwen, (begins to really overact pleading) you know I am not telling you how to do your job. All that I’m saying, things get set, you know they do, you get a certain mindset… A woman gets a reputation. We know how this…all I’m saying, put a closer on the job. And you know that I can close—

MONICA-MELISSA (still with an eye on the original script) No, actually, Gwen, you used to be a closer, just look at the board!

JOAN CONSTANTINE That’s only because Roma is getting all the prime leads, give me those leads and—

MONICA-MELISSA Stop! Just stop!

JOAN CONSTANTINE (confused that MONICA-MELISSA went off script) Well, I uh—

MONICA-MELISSA No, you Joan, you stop. This dialogue is taken almost word for word out of the Glengarry Glenn Ross script!.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, it’s a parody

MONICA-MELISSA You just can’t copy word for word!

SAMANTHA She’s right, Joan.

MONICA-MELISSA So you need to go back and rewrite it so let’s get to my scenes, the first takes place in the woman’s bathroom, I’ll read the stage directions and Joan, you be Glenda and Samantha you can play Debbie Moses, the female equivalent of Dave Moss. (hand out scripts)…okay…

JOAN CONSTANTINE Okay, I’m Glenda, right? (MONICA-MELISSA nods affirmatively)

SAMANTHA And I am Debbie Moses…oh yeah played by Ed Harris in the film? The chronic complainer? Should I play her like that?

MONICA-MELISSA Oh yes, that would totally work, so here we go again, I will be reading the stage directions. Glenda Joan and Debbie, Samantha, stand at the bathroom mirrors, Glenda brushes her hair while Debbie applies make-up

JOAN CONSTANTINE It’s just not fair! Roma getting all the checkoff leads?

SAMANTHA Checkov leads?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Checkoff leads

SAMANTHA That’s what I said! Chekov leads.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Checkoff not Chekov (JOAN CONSTANTINE makes a checkoff gesture with her right hand…

JOAN CONSTANTINE Not Anton Chekhov leads. checkoff c-h-e-c-k-o-f-f CHECKOFF leads.

SAMANTHA Oh! Check OFF leads? Why checkoff leads?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Because the deadbeats who fill out the raffle tickets to win the Pink Prius check off the box that says they want an agent to visit them to deliver their prize or give them more information but not only that the leads that Roma has been getting are Double checkoff leads!

SAMANTHA Double checkoff leads?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Because they not only checkoff the box that says it’s okay for a salesperson to call but they check off another box that indicates the exact date and time they’ll be available!

SAMANTHA Sounds like these people are live ones not deadbeats at all!

JOAN CONSTANTINE No they’re not and Roma has been getting all the double checkoff leads and he’s closing over half of them!

SAMANTHA Fucking Nikki Roma! Fuck her! I know she’s good but any one of us could close those leads!

JOAN CONSTANTINE We sure could but Roma, whore that she is, is getting all of them!

SAMANTHA Maybe she’s got pictures of MISS ROSE blowing a horse’s cock or something!

JOAN CONSTANTINE Who knows but she is getting all the double check off leads and we’re getting jack shit!

SAMANTHA The rich get richer and the poor—

JOAN CONSTANTINE Ain’t that the truth (beat) anyway I hear what the meeting is about is, that this Penelope person is coming up from LA with a new batch of double checkoff leads and they are going to be announcing a new sales contest and—

SAMANTHA Have you met this Miss Penelope Petrilovich person? I heard that she is, uh, she or he is uh—

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well no —I don’t know but Roma met her and said that—that uh–

MONICA-MELISSA The bathroom door opens and a woman enters wearing a black leather jacket, black leather pants, Prada black pointy toe pumps, a Cartier diamond bracelet and necklace and carrying a Louis Vuitton Lumineuse dark blue leather handbag. The woman walks past Glenda and Debby and opens a stall door but does not close it. Glenda and Debbie look at one another like ‘who the hell is this?’ Glenda finishes washing her hands then reaches for a paper towel. “

JOAN CONSTANTINE Out of towels again—

MONICA-MELISSA Glenda walks past the stalls to the to the other towel dispenser, gets one and walks back, the toilet is heard flushing and the woman exits, smiling at the two women as she leaves.”

SAMANTHA “Who the fuck?”

JOAN CONSTANTINE I had no idea!

SAMANTHA No idea?

JOAN CONSTANTINE No idea at all that—

SAMANTHA That, that?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, let’s put it this way, she peed standing up!

SAMANTHA Peed? Standing up? Why would a woman be using a pee-shooter in a public john?

JOAN CONSTANTINE She or he, wasn’t using a pee-shooter, my dear—

SAMANTHA What the fuck?

JOAN CONSTANTINE She. He?– has a dick, that must be Penelope! Penelope FUCKNG Petrilovich!

SAMANTHA Wait a minute! That beautiful young lady has a dick! She’s a MAN!?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, you could hardly describe that as a man! But she da man! And she apparently will be doling out the DOUBLE FUCKING CHECKOFF LEADS!

SAMANTHA Oh my fucking Lord this is getting too fucking weird!

JOAN CONSTANTINE And you know what else? Something I heard? I paid no attention to it at all because I didn’t believe it but t’s starting to make sense now, it’s all starting to make sense!

SAMANTHA Yes?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, I heard Mizzzzzzz Petrilovich is a dyke.

SAMANTHA A dyke?

JOAN CONSTANTINE A dyke (beat) with a dick.

SAMANTHA A dyke? With a dick?

JOAN CONSTANTINE A dyke with a dick (beat) and rubber tits!

SAMANTHA But how can she or he be a–

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well whatever he, she (beat) or it is, it likes women! And that’s only half of it!

SAMANTHA Oh my God, this is too weird, you mean it gets even weirder?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yes (beat) she’s fucking Roma!

SAMANTHA Oh my God! How?

JOAN CONSTANTINE How? What do you mean how?

SAMANTHA Oh yes, oh, yes, of course, (beat) this is too much! We are screwed!

JOAN CONSTANTINE We are totally screwed! Maybe we can suck her cock for leads?

SAMANTHA Maybe that’s what we’ll have to do.

MONICA-MELISSA “Glenda and Debbie exit the bathroom after which Penelope’s voice is heard offstage, it’s 7pm and everyone’s here but Roma, okay well we can go on without her” (beat) Hello ladies, I’m Penelope Petrilovich from the LA office and I am here on a mission of mercy…. Blackout)

SAMANTHA Oh my God, that is fucking hilarious, I could hardly stay in character!

JOAN CONSTANTINE Me neither!

MONICA-MELISSA Well, I noticed that both of you had a hard time not totally losing it!

MS CONSTANTINE Yeah like when Tim Conway used to ad-lib to make Harvey Korman break up?

MONICA-MELIISA Tim Conway, what a genius!

SAMANTHA Yeah, they still show that on Me-TV

MONICA-MELISSA I wonder how many young people today watch that or is it just baby boomers like us?

MS CONSTANTINE Well, I don’t even have a TV so—

MONICA-MELISSA Which makes me wonder if millennials will understand some of my jokes and cultural references?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Fuck the millennials, they don’t go to the theater unless it’s five buck night at The Shotgun—

MONICA-MELISSA Well, I think we will find out soon enough because I read the scenes to Josh and to this guy at BAS both of them seem well they can hardly wait for us to finish it so they can put it on.

SAMANTHA Oh that’s great. You have such a gift for dialogue and comedy.

MONICA-MELISSA

And the great thing about it is that I am writing great parts for the both of you and you know BAS? Well— I hear they actually started paying their actors!

(JOAN CONSTANTINE’s phone rings and she exits to the kitchen. After she exits MONICA-MELISSA and SAMANTHA embrace and start making out but stop when JOAN CONTANTINE returns)

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh that was my new boyfriend…my new embryonic affair…I need to get ready, see you in a few minutes, ladies.

(exits to bedroom)

MONICA-MELISSA A new boyfriend? Another street guy?

SAMANTHA No, no, this guy is age-appropriate, like 52 or something and he actually has a job, well, I think, or may be self-employed, but—he works at least

MONICA-MELISSA Doing what?

SAMANTHA I don’t know…Website design or something…Oh! And he also plays a musical instrument, a uh—

MONICA-MELISSA

A uh ?

SAMANTHA One of those uh, it’s called a uh didgi—

MONICA-MELISSA Oh a didgeridoo.

SAMANTHA Yes that’s it and I think she says he also plays the zither and a little mouth harp too

MONICA-MELISSA A talented guy. A real talented guy (laughs) well, you know what they say about guys who play the mouth organ—

SAMANTHA No?

MONICA-MELISSA (snickers) You know!

SAMANTHA Oh! Didn’t you say you used to play—

MONICA-MELISSA

Yes, for many years, yes

SAMANTHA So that explains it! (both laugh)

MONICA-MELISSA Anyway, maybe she is getting better.

SAMANTHA Maybe

MONICA-MELISSA I hope so

SAMANTHA Me too.

(JOAN CONSTANTINE enters) Well, ladies, I am all ready, he’s taking me out for Thai at the Tuk-Tuk and it closes at ten—

MONICA-MELISSA So what’s the hotties name?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Willie

MONICA-MELISSA Willie?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yes Willie (singing) Willie, Willie, Bo-gilly, Bonana-fana Bogilly, fe fi mozilly, Willie

MONICA-MELISSA (puts her hand up as if to say stop singing) Okay so we’ll meet again next week? But call me tomorrow so we can decide what scenes we can work on. I think I might write a parody of Roma and his client in the Chinese restaurant and maybe you can work up a scene at a sit?

JOAN CONSTANTINE A scene at a sit?

MONICA-MELISSA A scene at a sit! You know, an appointment.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh yes, right! So next week, ladies?

SAMANTHA Yes.

MONICA-MELISSA Yes, see you then, oh Sam, want to get some Indian? Maybe just some paneer naan and rice?

SAMANTHA Okay sounds good

Scene V (MS CONSTANTINE’s home)

JOAN CONSTANTINE (On telephone) No, mom, I didn’t say he was loaded…but he has his own apartment and a car and he works…yes, and he’s my age…well, about my age, and he is so talented and good-looking…yes, he is a real catch…no, of course not…what do you mean my history?—No, I’m not…No I’m NOT…I’m not going to tell him about Brad or the guy goat or any of them…What do you mean what if he finds out? How is he going to find out? Well, maybe if we get REALLY serious. Then I’ll tell him. Okay then Mom, yes Mom, okay look, I gotta get going Sam and MM are coming over tonight to read and oh that guy, the director I met at the BAS, yes the Berkeley Actor’s Studio—he might come too, okay, love you.

SCENE VI (later that evening, MS CONSANTINE scurrying about, tidying up)

MS CONSTANTINE (to herself) Almost six-thirty, I wonder if they’ll want anything to eat…no time for that anyway…

(cell phone rings)

(cont’d) Hello Sweetie! Hellooooo Willie (draws it out like Winnie in Happy Days, (smiling then not smiling) — What, no what! – Whadya mean we gotta talk? (long pause) You what? – You saw what? – On Facebook? (beat) Well, you can’t believe everything you read on Facebook, you know? (pause) No, you can’t be serious…you can’t be fucking serious—no…no…all right then FUCK YOU! I don’t want to see you again either! Or suck your peanut of a dick! And you know what you can do with that digeridoo don’t you…you can….put it where the…(pulls phone away from mouth slowly, trembling) you can….you can…(turns phone off and puts it down) You can….oh what the fuck…(shakes head) Who sold me out? Well, Sam doesn’t do Facebook so had to be that tree-hugging clit-suckin’, mother fuckin’ MM!

(lights fade then back up)

(JOAN CONSTANTINE siting at table, head and hands then begins to perk up, humming then singing)

They said he sang a good song, they say he had a style and so I went to see him and listen for a while and there he was this young boy…oh I still miss Brad…screw Mister peanut dick didgeridoo! Still though…gonna rip the Divine Miss MM a new one…maybe not though…maybe just stuff it— (then laughing) Oh It’s going to be another happy day, after all, yoo-hoo, Willie? Will-eeeeeeee? Yes, Willie’s gone, no bother, too many fish, after all, too many, big sea, big fish out there, many big fish, there for the taking….ah yes (singing) At last, my love will come along…(smiling then gloomy) he already came along now he’s gone…(shifts back into Winnie) Oh mustn’t worry…it will be another happy day and happy evening….I wonder if they’ll want some tea? (beat) I’ll think I’ll just lie down for a while and wait for them to get here….

(blackout then lights up)

(knock on door)

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh hello Sam. You’re early again.

SAMANTHA Well, I could hardly wait to get here. Monica-Melissa is going to love this! I finally did some writing…she’s been tutoring me you know and made me realize I can write and you know that thing you found on YouTube, that I feel like saying a beatnik poem thing? Well. I wrote a parody on that and I think I’ll do at open mike, maybe get Monica-Melissa to play guitar behind it, it would be so cool. Do you know if she’s bringing her guitar?

JOAN CONSTANTINE I don’t know but I think that will be so groovy! Hey did you hear I signed up for some classes at BCC?

SAMANTHA Oh yeah Monica-Melissa was telling me something about witchcraft. They teach witchcraft at Community College now, what’s this world coming to? Well, yes, I guess, it is Berkeley after all—

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, they don’t teach witchcraft! It’s an anthro course, it’s—

(interrupted by knock on door MONICA-MELISSA enters carrying a guitar)

MONICA-MELISSA Hello Joan, oh Sam, you’re here already?

SAMANTHA Yeah, I was just telling Joan that I can hardly wait to tell you but oh, did you hear Joan is going to go to BCC to learn how to become a witch?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, I don’t need to learn how to become a witch being that I already am one—

MONICA-MELISSA Witch or Bit—

SAMANTHA Oh shush be nice…any you won’t believe it, I finally got a chance to write something and I think it’s really good.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yeah, you know the “say me a beatnik poem” thingy? She wrote a parody of it. And she wants you to play the piano part on guitar.

MONICA-MELISSA Let’s do it then. Oh I wrote a great piece too but we can do it later.

(Gets guitar out and starts tuning)

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh this is going to be great!

MONICA-MELISSA Okay I am all set whenever you’re ready!

SAMANTHA Okay here we go. My old man was a Dead Presidents-stasher all his life, he never got fast, he wound up with a used car, a seventeen-inch screen and Erectile Dysfunction.

(MONICA-MELISSA and JOAN CONSTANTINE laugh throughout)

Tomorrow is a drag, man, tomorrow is a king sized bust (snap fingers)

(MONICA-MELISSA plays short blues riff)

Kerouac still hanging with Ginsberg down on Milvia man spouting all that right wing stuff,

Tomorrow is a drag, man, tomorrow is a king sized drag

We might be on the moon soon man but Castro’s still in Cuba shouting bout Bays and Pigs and missiles too

Tomorrow is a drag man, tomorrow is a king-size drag

JFK, RFK, J. Edgar…one of them is schtupping Marilyn and I can tell you it ain’t J. Edgar

Tomorrow is a drag man, tomorrow is a just a king size drag (cues music)

They say all we gotta do is Duck and Cover but if I go I’d rather be under the covers with my lover

Tomorrow is a drag man, tomorrow is a just a king size drag

Jack Paar, Micronite Filters, don’t take away my gusto man, Schlitz versus Millers,

Tomorrow is a total wipe out man, an apocalyptic wipe-out

I’d rather fight than switch, Korea and Nam, Lumumba, Laos and Chairman Mao

Tomorrow is just one massive blow-out man just one massive clusterf—

Suez Canal, Billy Sol Estes, Head Start, head cheese and Uncle Festus

Tomorrow is a bummer man, a total tripped out bummer (cues music)

Okay that’s all, folks.

MONICA-MELISSA Oh Sam that was great!

JOAN CONSTANTINE Rolling on the floor laugh out loud funny!

MONICA-MELISSA Only thing is how could we use it in the play?

JOAN CONSTANTINE hmmm

SAMANTHA Maybe we could have it performed at the Chinese Restaurant?

MONICA-MELISSA Well that’s an idea! It could work! Speaking of which I wrote a parody of the Roma and Lingk Chinese restaurant scene. You know the one where Roma is supposedly waxing philosophically but is actually setting up James Lingk for a sales pitch?

SAMANTHA That’s a great scene.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yeah that scene is far out!

MONICA-MELISSA So Roma’s got most of the lines who—

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh! Let me be Roma!

MONICA-MELISSA Okay then but listen when you read it don’t think of a female Al Pacino, play it like…have you ever seen Christopher Walken do that Character on SNL that uh—

JOAN CONSTANTINE

Oh yeah! The Continental!

MONICA-MELISSA

Yes! Exactly! Okay then and Samantha you be Jamie Lingk

(hands out scripts)

(Cont’d)

Okay then, I know it’s a lot but just try it cold. And I’ll read the stage directions.

JOAN CONSTANTINE All right then…. oh this is heavy! “You know this whole world we are living in is just one great pile of shit. Just one big morass of shit and nothing more. When you get old. (beat) When you die. (beat) What are you going to remember? (beat) The little things. The little things that you did…and the little things that you didn’t do? You’re not going to remember marrying your Prince Charming. (beat) You might not even remember your date at The Prom…You probably will remember some of the great lovers you’ve had. But only moments. The first kiss. The smell of his after shave. His eyes. That he shaved under his balls. (beat) That’s what I’ll remember and you?”

SAMANTHA “Me?”

JOAN CONSTANTINE “What will you remember?”

SAMANTHA “Well I uh well I…”

JOAN CONSTANTINE “Yes?”

SAMANTHA “Well, uh nothing really…”

JOAN CONSTANTINE “Nothing. Yes, you hit the nail on the head. Nothing. (beat) This world. (beat) This cosmos. (beat) This existence. (beat) It’s all nothing. It means nothing. There’s no now. All life is is looking forward and looking back. The present doesn’t exist. Will we have enough money to retire on? Or for that down payment on our dream house? Greed…and fear… Will our husbands find another woman? What about the results of that mammogram? Greed, fear, worry…envy. You want as much…or more than the next gal…but what you want…what you really want is security…you want to be secure…have you ever thought about that? (beat) Oh I’m Nikki…Nikki Roma.”

MONICA-MELISSA “Lingk, somewhat hesitantly”

SAMANTHA “Oh hello uh Jamie…Jamie Lingk…pleased to uh—“

JOAN CONSTANTINE “So Jamie, how you thought about it. Security that is…”

SAMANTHA “Well no, well yes, I guess we all do…”.

JOAN CONSTANTINE “Jamie, are you familiar with Maslow?”

SAMANTHA “Mas—“

JOAN CONSTANTINE “Abraham Maslow, one of the greatest psychologists the world has ever known…”

SAMANTHA “No…uh”

JOAN CONSTANTINE “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. It’s all there laid out for us if we can only open up our eyes and see it. It’s all right there. “

MONICA-MELISSA “Pulls out a brochure and opens it up to the Maslow pyramid”

JOAN CONSTANTINE “Well, my friend. (pause) Security. I am going to show you how to get that. (beat) But there’s so much more. (beat) And I will show you how to get that too.”

SAMANTHA “Well…uh Nikki, this is all well and good but I got to catch the 6:10 out to Evanston…”

JOAN CONSTANTINE “No problem. I can give you a ride…in my Landcruiser…my pink Landcruiser…”

SAMANTHA “Well, I wouldn’t want to impose…wait, you say you have a pink Landcruiser?”

JOAN CONSTANTINE “Yes, I can show you how to get one of those as well…”

SAMANTHA “Well, I am not sure I would want it in pink…”

JOAN CONSTANTINE “Well, Jamie, you can have it in any color you want (long pause) as long as it’s pink.”

MONICA-MELISSA “Lingk laughing”

SAMANTHA “Well, all right then, where are you parked?” Scene!

MONICA-MELISSA Great cold reading! So what do you think?

SAMANTHA Girl! You are brilliant!

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, yeah, it was…yes, I enjoyed reading it.

MONICA-MELISSA Thanks y’all…so Joan have you brought anything tonight?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, I wrote this little poem…it’s really short

MONICA-MELISSA Okay well let me run to the loo, then we’ll have a little look at it

(MONICA-MELISSA exits)

SAMANTHA Loo?

JOAN CONSTANTINE (erupting) That fucking big mouth clit-licking BITCH!

SAMANTHA Wait, uh what?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, uh, I know it wasn’t you, you don’t do Facebook so it had to be Mizz Nora Ephron!

SAMANTHA Nora Eph—?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, the big-mouth yenta is such a great and talented writer, I am going to start calling her…anyway, she sold me out!

SAMANTHA Sold you out?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Bitch blabbed all over Facebook about my street guy adventures and Willie found out about it and broke it off!

SAMANTHA Well that’s awful but (beat) let’s face it if he broke up with you over that then—

JOAN CONSTANTINE (resignedly)

Well, yes, I guess he wasn’t worth it in the first place…besides he’s married to his job and—

(toilet flushes)

(cont’d) Anyway, I wasn’t really happy in the relationship—

(water running)

SAMANTHA Well, then uh let me see your poem

JOAN CONSTANTINE I didn’t write a poem

(door opens and closes)

SAMANTHA You, uh—

MS CONSTANTINE

Wait, here she comes—

(MONICA-MELISSA enters and sits down)

MONICA-MELISSA Hey, what’s going on?

SAMANTHA Mum’s the word!

MONICA-MELISSA Well, uh, can we read Joan’s poem now?

JOAN CONSTANTINE I have it memorized

MONICA-MELISSA Okay then—

JOAN CONSTANTINE Okay here goes…Roses are red, violets are blue, you big mouthed cunt, Miss Monica M SCREW YOU!!!

MONICA-MELISSA What the—

SAMANTHA She says you spilled the beans on her escapades on Facebook

MONICA-MELISSA I did not!

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well SOMEBODY did!

MONICA-MELISSA Well, the only thing I put up was in our private group I uh—

JOAN CONSTANTINE You didn’t notice I added Willie?

MONICA-MELISSA You added Willie? Why?

JOAN CONSTANTINE (beginning to explode) Yes, I did add him “Why” is none of your business!

MONICA-MELISSA Well, I have no idea why you would add him to a closed writer’s group–

JOAN CONSTANTINE (screaming) Violets are blue, roses are red, fuck with me again Miss Monica M and YOU’LL BE DEAD!

(picks up copies of MONICA-MELISSA’s scripts, tears them to shreds and throws them at her, then storms off)

SAMANTHA She does have a gun, you know

MONICA-MELISSA I know…she’s really going off the deep end

SAMANTHA Well, I thinks she’s off her meds…she was telling me she won’t be able to afford them when her coverage ends….

MONICA-MELISSA Well, I—

SAMANTHA She’s also upset because she hasn’t been able to contribute to the project and what she does contribute doesn’t seem to be appreciated

MONICA-MELISSA Well, most of it lately just hasn’t been any good and to tell you the truth, the main reason I hang out with her is to hear about her escapades so I can turn it into a script—

SAMANTHA You mean another play?

MONICA-MELISSA Yes, the working title is The Street Guy Cougar, JB, my writing coach at Cal read what I have so far and thinks it’s hilarious—

JOAN CONSTANTINE enters

JOAN CONSTANTINE Look I am really sorry, ladies, (beat) I think I need to get back on my Zoloft, maybe I can work something out with Kaiser to stock me up before my coverage ends

MONICA-MELISSA And you can totally do that, I was in the same situation years ago and they wrote me a script for enough Zoloft to last a year

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yeah well thanks I’ll see if I can get Dr. Schmidt to—

MONICA-MELISSA So back to the business at hand (beat) so you haven’t written anything, Joan

JOAN CONSTANTINE No

MONICA-MELISSA Well, we really need to get busy…all of us…the guy at BAS read a couple of my scenes and says he wants to see a complete draft by the end of next month and remember I’ve got that trip to Florida and we won’t meet again now until the 21st, I will be doing a lot of writing but I really need everyone to pitch in. I’ll go over all the drafts tomorrow…I think we still have like four of five scenes to write. I’ll write the last scene where the cops come in—

JOAN CONSTANTINE I can try my hand on a scene at a sit and maybe the one where they plot to steal the leads—

SAMANTHA I don’t know…my writing sucks…I just…

MONICA-MELISSA Well actually your beatnik poem was great. You can write.

SAMANTHA Well, then I will try—

MONICA-MELISSA Just do your best so we’ll see you on the 21st but keep in touch on Facebook…okay then

(MONICA-MELISSA and SAMANTHA get up to leave together)

(blackout then lights up, MONICA-MELISSA and SAMANTHA are on the porch)

SAMANTHA So you think she will write something worthwhile?

MONICA-MELISSA Not at all I just said that to placate her. Unfortunately, I have to keep this thing going until I finish The Street Guy Cougar.

SCENE VII (JOAN CONSTANTINE’s living room) JOAN CONSTANTINE (on phone) No, mom I told you we’re not meeting until the 21st so I can come over and see you later today…yes we’re still working on the play…yes mom, I know you already told me that you can’t help but now it doesn’t matter because we have a professional theater that’s interested! So…you don’t need to…and oh and I have other news to tell you! Wonderful news! But are you sitting down? (pause) Well, I am in a new relationship! (pause) You don’t remember? (pause) Yes I told you, I broke up with Willie…anyway, screw him…. lemme tell you about my new embryonic af…Yes I know they all have been embryonic since Brad…but maybe this one, I’ll carry full-term…don’t you want to know what her name is? (long pause) Yes, it’s a her …no I am not turning into a lesbian….I just saw how happy MM and Sam are and thought I’d try it out…well…I didn’t get a chance to experiment in college since you and dad were too cheap to send me away to college and made me commute to HAYWARD!…what a mistake that was…anyway mom, I still haven’t told you her name…yes, it does matter…because she is FAMOUS…are you sitting down….okay here goes (verbal drum roll) it’s Juliette Vinaigrette! Yes! THE Juliette Vinaigrette! Could there be another? The unofficial Poetess Laureate of Berkeley. The Bubble Lady. (long pause) No mom…I didn’t watch her…yes but it did start with…yes, she is homeless…but…well, yes, I offered to store her stuff and let her shower in exchange for poetry lessons…yes, mom, I know I am trying to write plays…but she did write that one play…yes the dreadful one that BAS did, yeah what was the name of it? (pause) Oh yes, “How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Dick…Cheney, That Is” Yes, with the ellipsis between Dick and Cheney…yeah well the guy at the Berkeleyside Daily Galaxy loved it but he’s an idiot…but she is helping my writing AND… I am discovering there ARE certain things that a woman can do that…what do you mean, mom, you already know….yes, I know you went away to…Smith, was it? (pause) TMI, mom. TMI! (pause) Too Much Information! (pause) Anyway mom, Julie and I are getting along great and I’m teaching her to shoot…might even buy her a gun….yes….I am still going to the range….but oh I almost forgot! I signed up for some classes at BCC, I am taking that anthro witchcraft course I was telling you about and I am taking karate and dance…no it’s not karate and dance, I am taking a karate class and a dance class…. on the other hand they do have a class called metaphysical dance but I have no idea what that’s all about…no mom, we both know that my opportunity to get into an MFA has long since passed….yes I could have…but maybe then you wouldn’t have the beautiful grandchildren you so adore…Well okay then…well I never know with BART and the busses but I should be there by around four…okay then, love you, bye.

SCENE VIII

MS CONSTANTINE (on phone) Oh man… MM is going to kill the both of us! (beat) Well, I have written some stuff but no prose…yes, we are getting along great but one of my boarders is threatening to move because Julie spends too much time in the bathroom and uses up all the toilet paper….no Julie doesn’t pay any rent…how could she, she doesn’t make any money…but we are getting on great and she’s teaching me a lot…well, mostly on writing poetry but I think eventually it will seep into my prose…so how are you getting along, Sam? Do you miss MM? (pause) Oh God…And you haven’t written anything either? (pause) Shit…well we still have over a week….I can’t think of anything to write on the sit….I have a hard time envisioning the Nyborgs as a lesbian couple….well, I guess they don’t have to be lesbians…well no they can’t be a straight couple….the course is for empowering women! (pause) Wait! I got it! They could be sisters! Can you think of a weird sister relationship? (pause) What was that Betty Davis movie with her sister Joan Crawford who played a cripple…um, uh I mean disabled person…if I think of those two as the Nyborgs I am sure I can write something funny…well, of course, it’s supposed to be funny—and dark too…yes, this could be funny and dark! (pause) Yeah, she emailed me too and I told her I was almost finished both scenes…so I better get busy…I think I’ll use my old Royal for inspiration…yeah I know it’s a pain in the ass changing ribbons but…it will put me in the time and place… (calls out) okay, Julie, I’ll be off in a minute…. well, I gotta go Julie + is hungry… (lowers voice) …and we just had breakfast…yes, she does…. she eats me out— of, of house and home…but I love her…okay then see you next week…

SCENE IX JOAN CONSTANTINE’s home, MONICA-MELISSA, SAMANTHA and MS CONSTANTINE seated at a table

MONICA-MELISSA Well, this is a first but I must tell you I wasn’t able to finish anything worth reading, still have jet lag from the trip and I just can’t seem to find the right angle but something will come, it always does.

JOAN CONSTANTINE –I got something and I think it’s good—for a change, the Nyborg scene at the sit

SAMANTHA And after reading Joan’s scene, I was able to at least begin writing a parody of the break-in scene.

MONICA-MELISSA Wow! Great! Well, let’s start with the Nyborgs!

JOAN CONSTANTINE (hands out scripts) So in my version of the Glenda Gary sit with the Nyborgs, instead of a married couple, I have two sisters Baby Jane and her handicapped sister in a wheelchair referred to in the script as “The Cripple”

MONICA-MELISSA

The cripple? Why the cripple? Isn’t that politically incorrect?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Screw politically incorrect! Anyway, if it’s okay, I’ll play Glenda Gary and MM you can be Jane and Sam, how about playing the cripple

SAMANTHA Why? Do I look like a cripple to you?

JOAN CONSTANTINE No! The cripple has all the funniest lines!

MONICA-MELISSA

Funny lines! Well this sounds promising.

JOAN CONSTANTINE So it starts off with Glenda pulling into the Nyborgs’ driveway on a rainy night, and again I’ll be Glenda and read the stage directions….okay… “Glenda Gary enters wet and carrying an umbrella…okay if I park in your driveway?”

MONICA-MELISSA (long pause)

Oh, okay… I am Jane, right? (pause) Here goes. “Sure, no problem, hey nice set of wheels there, Miss, hey that’s a pink Explorer, is it?”

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yep, it’s pink all right but it’s a Landcruiser we all drive Toyotas, actually it’s a few years old, I really want to trade it in but—

MONICA-MELISSA Is that so? Well, sure is a niiiiiice ride, lady, beats what we have fer sure

SAMANTHA Yeah we have a Buick and not the ones they show on TV either

MONICA-MELISSA Say Miss Gary

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh just call me Glenda

MONICA-MELISSA So, Miss Gary, Glenda, can I get you something to drink?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh yes anything you have…but something warm would be great

MONICA-MELISSA

Just brewed some Chock Full o’ Nuts decaf

JOAN CONSTANTINE That would be great black with a sweet and low or splenda if you got it

MONICA-MELISSA Okay then…

JOAN CONSTANTINE “Glenda Gary pulls out brochures and sales material from her briefcase and spreads them out carefully on the table. Noticing that The Cripple is in a non-motorized wheelchair. Say, haven’t one of those mobility salesmen come by yet to sell you on of those tripped out scooters? Jane Nyborg enters carrying a cup of coffee…”

SAMANTHA Well actually…

JOAN CONSTANTINE Jane Nyborg shakes her head as if to tell The Cripple to shut up

SAMANTHA Well…actually I am old-fashioned and pushing the wheels is good exercise….

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, it’s a good thing you didn’t bite. I used to sell those contraptions…way overpriced…you can buy em used on eBay for a song.

JOAN CONSTANTINE “Glenda Gary hands JANE and THE CRIPPLE a handout of the Maslow triangle… So take a look at that…that shows you the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs developed by the great psychologist Abraham Maslow…now please stop me if either of you are already familiar with any of this, so as you see, at the top of the pyramid is self-actualization and the promise we make to you is to help you reach that goal but more-importantly we also show you how to achieve financial security by helping your friends, neighbors and relatives also achieve that goal.”

SAMANTHA Oh, Miss Gary, this is so exciting!

MONICA-MELISSA Yes, indeed, please, please go on!

JOAN CONSTANTINE “Yes, thanks… I can see I am in the company of two individuals who are already highly evolved and it won’t be long before both of you reach the top of the pyramid but before I tell you about how to get started on your path to financial security, I want to tell you a little bit of our history…our company was founded by Betty Maslow Eisenhower, Abraham Maslow’s only granddaughter and married to a great niece of the former president. She founded the company because she saw a need….fade to black then lights up…”

JOAN CONSTANTINE “Okay then, JOAN Nyborg if you will just make that check out to Maslow Enterprises Inc. I’ll clip it to your application and we’ll be all set.” Scene!

MONICA-MELISSA Well, that was great! See, you can write after all…well I guess being around me is rubbing off!

JOAN CONSANTINE I think

SAMANTHA Yeah I liked it too! So original!

MONICA-MELISSA The only thing is why did you name Baby Jane’s sister “THE CRIPPLE”?

MS CONSTANTINE Well, I am just tired of all this PC nonsense. Besides, there’s a hospital in Portland called the Shriner’s Hospital for Crippled Children, there’s also an Association for Retarded Citizens and the last time I checked the NAACP hasn’t changed its name, it’s still the National Association for the Advancement of COLORED PEOPLE.

MONICA-MELISSA Well, okay, I guess we’ll leave it in, let’s take a break…

JOAN CONSTANTINE I could make some tea

MONICA-MELISSA Sounds great

SAMANTHA Oh yeah sure thanks

JOAN CONSTANTINE exits

MONICA-MELISSA So where’s Juliet? Are they still together?

SAMANTHA Well, they still were as of last week (beat) Say, do you find it odd that Joan got into a lesbian relationship?

MONICA-MELISSA Not really, it’s pretty common after menopause

SAMANTHA Ha! I should know firsthand, eh? But I don’t know if they are getting along…she was telling me before you got here that Julie—she calls her Julie–is eating her out of house and home and that she spends a lot of time in the bathroom…I mean let’s face it one bathroom for four women…

MONICA-MELISSA Four women?

SAMANTHA Yes, Joan, Julie and the two boarders

MONICA-MELISSA Two boarders?

SAMANTHA Yes, she had to take in another boarder because since she retired she’s having trouble making ends meet and both boarders are threatening to leave because of Juliette…. not only does she monopolize the bathroom but she gets up to eat in the middle of the night and leaves a big mess in the kitchen…. oh and on top of everything else she pees on the toilet seat! Joan’s having severe financial problems apparently and if the boarders leave, she’d be left without any income.

MONICA-MELISSA I thought she had a pension from the city and besides she owns this home, it must be worth a half-million.

SAMANTHA Her pension doesn’t kick in for another five years and she doesn’t own, she rents…

MONICA-MELISSA Oh my, all this time I thought she owned the home free and clear….so why did she retire then?

SAMANTHA Well, I didn’t get the whole story but I think she was more or less coerced into retiring, the city had a big budget shortfall and instead of laying off people they encouraged them to retire plus she says her boss was driving her crazy and she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown…all this began to come to a head after Brad left…I think she is still carrying the torch for Brad…big time!

MONICA-MELISSA Does she still go to the pistol range?

(tea kettle whistles)

SAMANTHA Sure does, not only that but she’s teaching Juliette to shoot!

MONICA-MELISSA Oh boy!

SAMANTHA I worry about her

MONICA-MELISSA Me too, well looks like all her talk about helping us get the play produced was—

SAMANTHA —just talk

MONICA-MELISSA Well, we still have the guy at BAS and besides we are putting the cart before the horse, we need to just finish the damn play

SAMANTHA True!

JOAN CONSTANTINE enters carrying tray

MONICA-MELISSA She’s coming

JOAN CONSTANTINE Okay here you go, ladies.

MONICA-MELISSA Thanks

SAMANTHA Thank you

JOAN CONSTANTINE So what were you two bees buzzing about…seems like you stopped when—

MONICA-MELISSA Bees buzzing? Oh we were just discussing various tropes—

SAMANTHA Ha, ha! No, not really we were just saying how the one thing we need to do is just concentrate on finishing the first draft.

MONICA-MELISSA Yes, and we are what? A couple scenes short? The last scene and the scene about plotting to steal the leads—

SAMANTHA I haven’t finished but here’s what I have so far…we have three characters in the scene—

MONICA-MELISSA Great! It looks like so far we’ll only need three actors total!

SAMANTHA We have Glenda Gary—Joan you can play her again—and Monica-Melissa why don’t you play the sales manager Gwen Rose and I’ll read the detective and the stage directions. (hands out scripts) Okay then

JOAN CONSTANTINE Put me on the Landcruiser board! I closed the suckers!

MONICA-MELISSA Landcruiser board? What are you talking about? We have a Cadillac board!

JOAN CONSTANTINE A Cadillac board? Wait a second! Am I in the wrong play?

MONICA-MELISSA Play? Is that what we’re doing here? Playing? This is not play, Mizz Gary. This is work. Real work. Women’s work! No, this is not play. Anyway, I might have some bad news for you but we’ll deal with that later. Right now, I have got the police to deal with.

JOAN CONSTANTINE The police?

MONICA-MELISSA Can’t you see there’s been a break-in here?

JOAN CONSTANTINE No. I uh—

MONICA-MELISSA Right now they are talking to Aranow and you’re next

SAMANTHA Gwen Rose walks back to her office. (beat) Detective. Well, her story doesn’t add up, I think she was in on it too but she agreed to a polygraph so we’ll find out more later. Telephone rings, Gwen Rose answers.

MONICA-MELISSA They’ve got how much in the account? Less than two figures? Well, that’s what I thought, I knew these people were deadbeats from the word go! Thanks for getting back to me.

SAMANTHA Okay bring Gary in

MONICA-MELISSA Okay, detective. Glenda get in here

SAMANTHA “Glenda Gary walks into office and sits down. Gwen Rose closes door.”

MONICA-MELISSA So we have bad news and we have even worse news, want the bad news first?

JOAN CONSTANTINE I uh

MONICA-MELISSA The $500 down payment check from the Nyborgs? It’s not worth the paper it’s written on. At best, they have $99 in the account

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, uh maybe they’ll cover it later—

MONICA-MELISSA I wouldn’t count on it, these Nyborgs are complete deadbeats. They just like serving decaf to saleswomen on cold and rainy nights…

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well maybe

MONICA-MELISSA So now the worse news…I will give the detective the pleasure—

SAMANTHA “You stole the leads and we can prove it!” And that’s it. Scene!

(MONICA-MELISSA and JOAN CONSTANTINE applaud)

SAMANTHA Thanks guys

MONICA-MELISSA Great job to the both of you. Actually we might just end the play right there! Now all we really need is a plotting-to-steal-the leads-scene and I think we’ll have a tight one-act play! Good work! To be honest, I am pleasantly surprised by the both of you.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, the more depressed I get, the better I write it seems and Julie has been forcing me to spend at least two hours a day writing.

SAMANTHA Forcing you?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yeah, she is really domineering… a piece of work… a real piece of work she is…

MONICA-MELISSA Where is the acclaimed poetess?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh, she’s doing a reading at Cody’s…

MONICA-MELISSA and SAMANTHA (in unison) Cody’s!?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh I will always call it Cody’s I guess…it reopened you know, it’s now called Mad Max, Anachronistic something or other…

MONICA-MELISSA So anyway, if being depressed makes you write stuff like that, maybe you should just stay depressed, at least until we get the script done!

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, uh—

MONICA-MELISSA Maybe you need to rid your life your life of that domineering freeloader

JOAN CONSTANTINE Look MM! I already warned you once TO STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY PERSONAL BUSINES and I already have one dominant dyke to deal with! I don’t need another!

(picks up tea cups and storms off)

SAMANTHA She is losing it!

MONICA-MELISSA Well, that last scene was really good. You’d think she’d be happy with all the praise and finally—

SAMANTHA —Except—

MONICA-MELISSA Except?

SAMANTHA Except she didn’t write it!

MONICA-MELISSA She, what, who?

SAMANTHA Juliette ghost wrote it for her!

MONICA-MELISSA No!

SAMANTHA It’s true but please don’t say anything. I promised not to tell you. But wait until you hear this. As soon as the manuscript is completed, Juliette wants to get her hands on it and send it off to the Library of Congress to copyright in her own name. Not only that, supposedly, there’s this bigtime off-Broadway mogul friend of hers with Hollywood ties who read the scenes and thinks he can do something big with it, especially with Juliette’s name on it, she actually has quite a big following you know.

MONICA-MELISSA This makes no sense! Play scripts are a dime a dozen!

SAMANTHA Well that’s what she’s been telling me but then again, I think she might be either a compulsive liar or delusional. Or both! I have caught her in several lies.

MONICA-MELISSA Yeah (beat) me too, she lied about owning the home—

SAMANTHA And she admitted her family never agreed to bankroll the production. She made it all up. In fact, you remember she was telling us that her mother was going to help bankroll the production? Well…get this! Willie told me she told him that her mother has been dead for years!

MONICA-MELISSA Oh my God! No! (beat) Well, this is devastating! I don’t know that we can move forward like this—

(JOAN CONSTANTINE enters carrying tray)

JOAN CONSTANTINE Fresh hot tea, ladies!

MONICA-MELISSA Oh you shouldn’t have.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, ladies, I just want to apologize for my outburst…I have really been on edge lately.

MONICA-MELISSA Apology accepted but Sam and I decided we need to get something to eat…

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well okay then

(SAMANTHA and MONICA-MELISSA gather their things and begin to exit)

MONICA-MELISSA So I’ll write the plot-to-steal the leads scene put the entire draft together, edit it and email you a copy.

MS, CONSTANTINE All right then—

SAMANTHA —Bye now—

MONICA-MELISSA —G’night

(door closes)

(blackout)

SAMANTHA Are you really going to email her a copy?

MONICA-MELISSA Hell no!

SCENE X MS CONSTANTINE’s dining room

(JULIETTE is typing away on JOAN CONSTANTINE’s laptop)

JOAN CONSTANTINE We need to talk!

(JULIETTE continues typing)

JOAN CONSTANTINE I said! We need to talk!

JULIETTE Babes, just let me finish this next stanza

JOAN CONSTANTINE No, we need to have a talk now

JULIETTE Okay then, what’s bugging you, my dear?

JOAN CONSTANTINE You don’t know?

JULIETTE No

JOAN CONSTANTINE You have no idea?

JULIETTE Not the slightest, sweetie

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, first of all, both of my boarders are moving out at the end of the month.

JULIETTE Good! Both of them were annoying anyway…. always bugging me to get out of the bathroom.

JOAN CONSTANTINE You don’t get it? THEY WERE MY ONLY MEANS OF INCOME!

JULIETTE Calm down, honey… take a chill pill, I have a royalty check coming in and when you get me a copy of that draft, I’ll send it to my guy in New York and we’ll be on easy street…. meantime, Peet’s is hiring.

JOAN CONSTANTINE You are going to go to work at Peet’s?

JULIETTE No, you are!

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh my God. Look, first of all, MM hasn’t sent me the draft, she doesn’t return my calls or emails and do you think that I believe for a minute that you have this bigtime mogul who is not only going to bring the play to off-Broadway but sell the script to Hollywood and make us rich? This is not reality.

JULIETTE Well, suit yourself, darling. It will be your loss, hon, not mine!

JOAN CONSTANTINE Look! I am tired of your shit. Miss Vinaigrette! JUST GET YOUR STUFF AND GET OUT!

JULIETTE Sure, babes, I will leave but first you will have to evict me—

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening! Look! Get out! JUST GET OUT!

JULIETTE Not on your life, snookums.

(JOAN CONSTANTINE picks up a vase and begins to strike JULIETTE)

(Blackout)

(Sound of glass breaking)

Scene XI (JOAN CONSTANTINE’s living room)

JOAN CONSTANTINE Well, no, she decided not to press charges but only after I agreed to give her $900 in moving expenses. Yes, mom nine HUNDRED dollars….Well, I spoke to an eviction attorney and he said it would cost me a lot more than that to evict her so….yes, the boarders are still moving out…no they’ve both already found new situations and put up deposits….no I have no idea what I am going to do…yeah, I know that’s what I might have to wind up doing but all my ties are here in Berkeley and I really need to have my own place and if I get evicted, I will never be able to find another place in the Bay Area that I can afford…well, I have enough to cover next month’s rent but after that….yes, I know you have a lot of medical bills….yes, I know I shouldn’t ask but I don’t know where I can turn….I don’t have credit cards…don’t you remember, Brad took care of that…so maybe a payday lender….except I don’t have a payday! (pause) I do however have a gun…no, mom, no, I wouldn’t…no…no…please…stop crying…I was only kidding…okay then…well okay bye.

SCENE XII

A café

(Monica-Melissa seated talking on her cell) .

MONICA-MELISSA Well, I am worried too, Sam…. she sounds really desperate but she made her bed. If I had money to lend her it might be a different story but I don’t and she needs a lot more than money, she needs help. When I met her she was working a program and the Prozac seemed to be helping… Now she’s just…no Sam, you can’t be serious….how did she wind up on smack? Wait a minute, you’re saying think she wants people to think she’s on heroin so she can get us to feel sorry for her? Hmmph, well that sheds a new light on it…anyway maybe I do need to call her or better yet go over there…but you know I am leaving for tomorrow for Corvallis Tuesday for the staged reading…yes, things are happening fast…pretty unbelievable…okay then…

BRAD (on cell phone) So like dude, yeah I’ll be up that way on Thursday. Yeah I actually have a place now and a job! — Have you seen Joan… dude like I really miss her…I think cleaned up and all, she might want me back—She’s doing what now—No! Like every night? I only knew her to do a little weed and wine, not that oxy shit. And I heard she’s been chasing the dragon! (pause) Like you know smoking heroin? (beat) And Dirty Doug says she might be mainlinin’ too! (pause) No shit man oh this is awful…I am off all that shit myself, been going to NA—six months now—I still have a beer once in a while but alcohol was never a problem, you know—yeah, doing the steps and all that—yeah I know, sounds really uncool but, man, it’s keeping me clean and I am getting back to my writing…(pause) Dude, like I feel fucking awesome—the old timers talk about this pink cloud…so yeah but…but I am really worried about Joan…yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know she’s a little older but she is fine…she has taught me so much…No! Not like a mother! —Are you accusing me of fucking my mother? (long pause) okay, okay, apology accepted…so what’s the deal with that Zachariah dude whatever the fuck his name is wanting to hurt her? (pause) And she believes it? (pause) That dude is a pussy, he won’t do jack—well, but she is worried though, maybe I need to go straighten her out…maybe even get her to go to a meeting…okay then… late.

(Stage is blacked out)

MONICA-MELISSA (on the phone)

…Okay, you say they are trying to pick your lock? …Well, look I know that you don’t believe in calling the police but my God Joan! SOMEONE IS TRYING TO BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE! …And it’s probably that guy Zack! He may KILL YOU! …Yes, I know you got your gun! Yes, I know that you know how to use it but, yes? …Yes? (beat) Okay… Okay, so I know you don’t do the po bro but you know…So now you hear them trying to get into the back? (beat) I’m calling 911 now! …Whadya mean I can’t…I am going to! Lock your bedroom door!… What? …You don’t have a bedroom door? …Because your second ex-husband kicked it in?… I didn’t even know you had a second ex-husband! (pause) Okay, okay, now they’re back up front? Look! I am hanging up now and calling the police!

(glass breaks, commotion, furniture knocked over)

JOAN CONSTANTINE (screams as if in pain)

(shot is fired)

JOAN CONSTANTINE

BRAD (mumbles) I uh um

JOAN CONSTANTINE It is you! For Christ sakes, I almost shot you!

(lights up)

(JOAN CONSTANTINE standing with pistol and Brad standing with knife)

BRAD Whew! Thank God you are a lousy shot. And I almost stabbed you!

JOAN CONSTANTINE You did stab me! Look! (pulls pants leg up and shows superficial cut on leg)

BRAD Oh! I am so sorry!

JOAN CONSTANTINE Not to worry! We’re both fine but (beat) we could have killed each other! (beat) I love you, Brad!

BRAD I love you too, JOAN Constantine!

(Blackout)

[1] Free to substitute any current hot-button SCOTUS issue

[2] In actuality she is renting the house but I am leaving this in

Harper-Nicole Anderson

Glenda Gary Gwen Rose

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