Fells Point: The Bondage Mistress Murders by Harper Nicole Anderson
Cast of Characters
MAN IN BAR, mid-thirties
MYSTERY WOMAN, thirties, attractive
MARK, man, any age
MUNCK, man, mid-thirties, Jewish-Italian from Brooklyn
PEMBERTON, man, could be African-American, late thirties
BARTENDER #2, man, any age
KATE HANFORD, woman, late thirties
MAID
MAILMAN
CHRISTOPHER
TIME: 1979
PLACE: Baltimore
Scene1
(SETTING: The Fells Point Hotel Bar, Roberta Flack’s “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” plays on jukebox)
MAN IN BAR
So hey there hon…say can I buy you a drink?
MYSTERY WOMAN
No
MAN IN BAR
Oh gorgeous, you are so fine, are you sure I can’t buy you a drink?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Quite certain—
MAN IN BAR
Well then hon, may I ask you another question?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Certainly, as long as I don’t have to answer said question.
MAN IN BAR
Said question? Are you a barrister?
MYSTERY WOMAN
No neither am I a barista. So you got your one question answered. Now would you kindly leave me alone?
MAN IN BAR
Okay then if that is the way you want to play—
MYSTERY WOMAN
I wasn’t aware that that is what we were doing, playing that is. So is that what you want to do? Play. Aren’t you a grown man? You must be what be what, 45, 46?
MAN IN BAR
Oh hon, you really think I look like I am in my forties?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Yes, well the beard and the hair or should I say the lack thereof?
MAN IN BAR
Well, I am only 38.
MYSTERY WOMAN
I don’t believe you. Show me your driver’s license.
MAN IN BAR
Sure, baby but only if you let me buy you a drink.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Why is it that you continue badgering me about a drink? Is that what you do to make a lady feel obligated?
MAN IN BAR
No, no, no, darling. It wouldn’t obligate you to nothing.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Anything!
MAN IN BAR
Anything?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Anything.
MAN IN BAR
I don’t get it.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Grammar. Proper grammar. I don’t like men who fail to speak the King’s English.
MAN IN BAR
Okay then so me buying you a…wait…I mean to say…if I were to buy you drink, it would not obligate you in any way.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Oh I like that! The future unrealized subjunctive.
MAN IN BAR
The future unrealized sub—
MYSTERY WOMAN
Subjunctive: “if I were”
MAN IN BAR
Oh
MYSTERY WOMAN
So the driver’s license?
MAN IN BAR
You really think I look forties? Well, here is the proof!
(Rod Stewart’s Tonight’s the Night begins playing as MAN IN BAR shows driver’s license and wallet stuffed with bills)
MYSTERY WOMAN
Oh my God! You are a Leo! Not good! Not good at all!
MAN IN BAR
Yes, I guess I am but I don’t buy into that astrology shi…uh nonsense but since you brought it up. What sign are you?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Scorpio-Sagittarius. On the cusp. With seven moons in Leo. That is why we could never get along but that would not necessarily prevent us from having absofuckinglutely wild-ass sex. Some of the best fucks I ever had were Leos. And that goes for both men and women!
MAN IN BAR
Whoa-oh-oh, child. You refuse to let me buy you a drink, now you are speculating about us having wild ass sex! Are you yanking my chain? I mean are you playing me? I feel like I am being played.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Don’t get any ideas. I was merely discussing my past experience with Leos and as far as playing, it was you who brought it up.
MAN IN BAR
No it wasn’t. It was you.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Nope.
MAN IN BAR
Okay then, have it your way, it was me. But I feel like I am being played.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Anyway. Vodka martini. Stolichnaya. Very dry. No olive.
MAN IN BAR
Hey Mark! Will you get the lady a Stoli martini, very dry, hold the olive.
MYSTERY WOMAN
So James, or do you go by Jim?
MAN IN BAR
Jim is fine.
MYSTERY WOMAN
So James Brennan Connelly. Irish on both sides? First generation?
MAN IN BAR
Does it matter? Well…no, German-Irish, both of whom came here before the Civil War.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Well, that’s promising, A lot of full-blooded Irish I have known drank like a fish. I hate teetotalers but I equally detest men who drink like fish.
MAN IN BAR
That’s not me. I drink more like a dolphin.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Dolphin? Dol…phin?
MAN IN BAR
It was a joke.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Sounds to me like you have an ulterior porpoise!
MAN IN BAR
Okay, ha! Now that was funny.
(MARK brings the drink and MAN IN BAR pulls out wad of bills and pays him with a fifty, MYSTERY WOMAN takes a large sip)
MYSTERY WOMAN
Mark sure does know how to pour a great drink!
MAN IN BAR
So…you been here before—
MYSTERY WOMAN
Yes, with my husband
MAN IN BAR
Oh then…you are married?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Divorced
MAN IN BAR
Oh okay then…
(MARK brings change and MAN IN BAR leaves a five-dollar tip)
MYSTERY WOMAN
So what’s with the big wad of bills. Are you a drug dealer?
MAN IN BAR
No! I don’t even do drugs!
MYSTERY WOMAN
Not even a little pot?
MAN IN BAR
Well, yeah, a little pot. Say, what didya say your name was?
MYSTERY WOMAN
I didn’t
MAN IN BAR
No I guess you didn’t
MYSTERY WOMAN
No
MAN IN BAR
So ya gonna tell me—
MYSTERY WOMAN
Tiffany. You can call me Tiffany. That’s not my name but that is what you can call me.
MAN IN BAR
So you still want to yank my chain, doncha?
MYSTERY WOMAN
That’s not all I might yank.
MAN IN BAR
I, uh
MYSTERY WOMAN
That is, if you play your cards right—
MAN IN BAR
All right, well you said it, YOU said it…again…playing. (beat) Are you a pro?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Pro?
MAN IN BAR
Professional—
MYSTERY WOMAN
Well, I would certainly consider myself professional in every aspect of the word but—
MAN IN BAR
–um what I was asking is well what I mean is, are you a uh prostitute?
MYSTERY WOMAN
How dare you! How dare you accuse me of being a whore!
MAN IN BAR
I uh I, I am awfully sorry, I just—
MYSTERY WOMAN
You just…what?
MAN IN BAR
I was just…I was only kidding—
MYSTERY WOMAN
Only kidding my a…anyway I am going to powder my nose and don’t put anything in my drink…as a matter of fact!
(Gulps down the rest of her drink and exits)
MAN IN BAR
(Aside)
This woman is real piece of work. A real piece of work. I just wonder what her shot is. Women today….. They want equal rights. Even want to make as much money as us. But they still want that control. They know what we want. What we have to have. They always hold that power over us and they use it every chance they get! Women have one of the great acts of all time. The smart one’s act very feminine and needy, but inside they are real killers. The person who came up with the expression “the weaker sex” was either very naive or had to be kidding. I have seen women manipulate men with just a twitch of their eye — or perhaps another body part. Equal rights? What a joke! It’s us men that should be fighting for equal rights. (beat) I wish I was a woman. Wait! Did I really say that? Well, yes, I would just like to have that power for just one day. That pussy power. (pause) The power of the pussy. That’s the ultimate power and if we ever let them have “equality” they will have the upper hand. They will really have the upper hand! Hey Mark, get me another and one for the lady too…but don’t serve it till she gets back.
(MYSTERY WOMAN enters and sits down a seat away from MAN IN BAR)
MAN IN BAR
Oh hon, don’t do me this way…I am awfully sorry. I didn’t mean nothing by it.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Anything!
MAN IN BAR
Right! I apologize I did not mean to infer anything by it.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Imply!
MAN IN BAR
I uh—
MYSTERY WOMAN
You did not mean to imply anything by it!
MAN IN BAR
That’s what I said—
(MARK brings the drink starts to serve it to MYSTERY WOMAN but then places it in front of the unoccupied seat)
MYSTERY WOMAN
No you didn’t…hey are you and Mark in collusion…I only get the drink if I sit next to you, asshole?
(MYSTERY WOMAN takes the drink and puts it down in front of her)
MAN IN BAR
Look hon. I am awfully sorry…and we were having a nice conversation.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Is that what you call it? A conversation?
MAN IN BAR
Yes well yes and we even seemed to be getting somewhere–
MYSTERY WOMAN
Oh You thought you were getting somewhere. Ha! Where did you think you were getting, Mr. Kennerly? Mister James Brennan Kennerly. Just where did you think you were getting?
MAN IN BAR
I, I thought we were uh, uh, uh…getting to, to know each other?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Yes, perhaps, until you called me a —
MAN IN BAR
I didn’t call you noth— uh anything. And I am truly sorry Hey come sit next to me. (beat) Oh, hey, listen (leans and whispers) I got some ludes—
MYSTERY WOMAN
Are you sure you are not a drug dealer?
MAN IN BAR
No, no c’mon Tiffy baby, don’t start with that again.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Tiffany! Not Tiffy baby.
MAN IN BAR
Sorry, Tiffany, gorgeous, I got some ludes and some killer sensemilla— so you DO get high, right?
(MYSTERY WOMAN moves to seat next to MAN IN BAR)
MYSTERY WOMAN
Well, let’s say I like to take the edge off. I am a little high strung…at times—
MAN IN BAR
I had not noticed
MYSTERY WOMAN
Look! I don’t need sarcasm…
MAN IN BAR
No, no, really I had not noticed…really!
(blackout)
Scene 2
(SETTING Baltimore Police Fells Point homicide office BJ Thomas’s Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head plays on radio, PEMBERTON pours coffee)
MUNCK
Why me? Why do I get all the unsolvable cases? Kate gets all the slam dunks—
PEMBERTON
Dunkers!
MUNCK
Dunkers?
PEMBERTON
Dunkers! She gets all the dunkers!
MUNCK
Isn’t that a religious sect? Pennsylvania Dutch?
PEMBERTON
Yeah, I think that too but that is what we call the easy cases, dunkers.
MUNCK
Hmmm maybe that is why she always brings in her coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts instead of drinking this battery acid…. Anyway, everything she touches turns to gol— or a uh dunker…and every time I answer the phone all I get—
PEMBERTON
(Face in the Baltimore Sun then puts the paper down)
Stop whining, it’s like baseball, sometimes everything you hit hard gets caught. Other times, your pop ups turn into doubles. It’ll turn around. Hey! Murray hit another one out last night, he stays hot and we got a chance this year. Finally!
MUNCK
So, we won? Or should I say the Orioles won, I am still a Yankees fan—
PEMBERTON
You can take the boy out of the city but—
MUNCK
Yeah, yeah well maybe one day, I do love this town. (beat) As long as you have the Earl of Baltimore you will have a shot.
PEMBERTON
Someday the man will be in the Hall. Well, Boog needs to start hitting… but the pitching? This guy Flanagan is turning into another Palmer. Pitching. Defense. And three run homers (beat) so have you gotten anything from Ocean City yet on this latest Bondage Murder? Timeline summer 1979 Ocean City
MUNCK
Nothing. OCPD said they would have fax the report. WBAL just confirmed that it’s the same M.O. Middle-aged man found dead, naked and handcuffed and tied to his bed.
PEMBERTON
Oh, my God. Looks like the Bondage Mistress has finally struck again. What has it been like eight months now?
MUNCK
More like seven. I’m only glad this one is in Ocean City and not here.
PEMBERTON
What do you have on the two in the city and the other…the one in, where was it, Towson? And you still got nothing?
MUNCK
We got nothing, absolutely nothing. No useful prints. None. All we got is that the victims are all men in their late thirties or forties. They all have alcohol
in their blood as well as ricin—
PEMBERTON
–Rice and beans? I had that for lunch. Should I go the ER?
MUNCK
Okay Frank, no time for your quipsterisms. I am sure that you know what ricin is, seeing that you read The Sun back to front. The ME was telling me there was an international incident just last week. This is James Bond type stuff, supposedly this Russian dissident was stabbed on The London Bridge by a man using a weapon built into an umbrella that injected a small amount of the poison into this guy’s leg.[1] He died two days later….anyway all of these guys were handcuffed and naked. Oh, but the one at the Holiday Inn…they found Quaaludes and the one at the Mount Vernon…they found alcohol, ricin and pot. All three of the victims had been seen drinking at the hotel bar. All of ‘em were robbed…And they were all briefly spotted with women but no one witnessed them leaving the bar together. NOTE IT MIGHT BE BETTER TO ELIMINATE THE MURDERS OCCURRING OUTSIDE THE JURISDICTION BALTO CITY EXCEPT THE ONE IN OCEAN CITY.
(KATE HANFORD enters)
PEMBERTON
Did anyone get a make on these broads?
KATE HANFORD
Hey Frank! Would you stop calling women broads?
MUNCK
Oh Kate, what’s next? Going to HR and complaining.
PEMBERTON
HR? Sexual harassment?
MUNCK
HR, you know Human Resources?
PEMBERTON
Human Resources?
Yes, the place where woman go to complain about sexual harassment.
Sexual harassment?
Yes, you know like Clarence Thomas, Anita Hill?
Anita—
Oh I forgot this is still only 1979, never mind
KATE HANFORD
PEMBERTON
Okay, detective. I understand.
MUNCK
Well I uh, I could think of a lot worse—
KATE HANFORD
You need to think of how you are going to solve the Bondage Mistress Murders not more ways to offend women
MUNCK
Well, I—
PEMBERTON
So, Muncks, did anyone get a make on these women?
MUNCK
Not really. All we got was that both women were tall, like 5’10” but one was a blond and the other a brunette. And get this, the one in at the Holiday Inn was a redhead. And tall.
PEMBERTON
So, these women, I imagine are working girls but no one got a good look at them?
MUNCK
No one… but I interviewed the bartender at The Mount Vernon…the first murder…he couldn’t give us a thing even though he served our mystery woman several drinks. Anyway, I think this guy is a fruit…and a flake. I mean he serves several drinks to this broad and all he could tell us was almost nothing. Very attractive, well-dressed, blonde and very tall. We ask him to come in and do an artist’s rendering and he doesn’t show so we go to the bar and find out he quit three days before, then we go to his apartment and found out he moved out the day before!
PEMBERTON
Sounds to me like you might have your perp right there (beat) How tall is he?
MUNCK
He’s 5’10’. Of course, we are looking for him but he can’t be the guy because the report I get from Towson is the victim there was seen going into his room with a woman he met in the hotel lobby.
PEMBERTON
The victims…None of them faggots, right. There was a guy in LA last year who dressed as a woman, very convincing and murdered fruits.
MUNCK
None of these guys were not fag… er uh homosexuals. In fact, they were all married. One guy had seven kids. Poor bastard.
(Brief Dee Jay chatter then Ezrine Tire jingle plays)[2]
PEMBERTON
Catholic, huh?
MUNCK
Yes, in fact all of the victims were Catholic and three of them Irish catholic. And here is another weird thing. They were all born in August.
PEMBERTON
(Gets up and changes stations. Lou Reed’s “Walk on the Wild Side” begins playing)
Now that is weird. But probably just a coincidence. Then again—
MUNCK
Yes, we don’t believe in coincidences, do we?
PEMBERTON
No, we don’t. (beat) So you have ruled out it being a he-she? I am thinking. Blonde. Redhead. Brunette. Could be wearing wigs, you know. When I worked vice half the women we busted were men. We got a lot of ‘em in this city… Have you ever seen that thing that calls herself…himself, Divine, hangs out at Ledbetter’s?
MUNCK
Yeah. But he, uh, she is becoming a star now since that movie came out. A star, imagine that? But no, we haven’t completely ruled that out. But most of those “girls” are street prostitutes and usually just give five-dollar blow jobs in the john’s car and they hang out on Biddle Street or on the West Side not at the Holiday Inn and no way in Ocean City or Towson and certainly not at The Mount Vernon. But you know another funny thing is that there a couple of times they found a load of dried semen on the sheets I mean a TON, more than you would think could come out of one guy in one night. I wish there was a way we could test for that. (beat) I mean you never know, maybe could be a he-she but it would have to be a convincing one like, (beat) you know I went to see that movie. That fercockta John Waters movie?
PEMBERTON
No, you didn’t?
MUNCK
Yeah, it was pretty funny. Sick… but pretty funny. This egg lady in a crib. A guy with a singing asshole. Then there was this guy exposing himself to women in Wyman Park, only he wasn’t exposing his cock, he would drop his drawers and what he exposed was not a schlong but a twelve-inch long kielbasa! So, one day, the pervert walks up to this beautiful redhead, I mean this chick was gorgeous! Anyway, this perv starts to drop his drawers but before he does, this broad she pulls up her skirt and what does she expose but a big schlong. I was like, wow, maybe it was a camera trick but it wasn’t, just like Divine eating the dog shit was not a camera trick. So, some of these broads look just like real women. A lot of em come here to get the operation at Johns Hopkins. They call them transsexuals.
PEMBERTON
Imagine that! Getting it cut off. That must hurt.
MUNCK
Must hurt? You moron. It’s just like any other surgery. You know, anesthesia?
PEMBERTON
Still, I can’t imagine it. And I can’t imagine why such a respected institution would take part in such madness, such mutilation, women trapped in men’s bodies! What a load of crap!
MUNCK
Well, Frank, the way I look it at it. It takes all kinds. It’s what makes the world go ‘round. If a man wants to suck cock…well, I don’t approve but whatever floats your boat, baby! But men wanting to become women? That is just a little beyond the pale. Anyway, I don’t see much red under your name, except that eleven-year old Adena—
PEMBERTON
—Wilson. That angel, she still haunts me. I still think it was the Arabber but now I guess we’ll never know. Can you imagine? Gets picked up on a drunk and disorderly and he hangs himself.
MUNCK
Maybe he was haunted too and he finally—?
PEMBERTON
So maybe he got what he deserved, saved the state a lot of money— still, we’ll never know. And that reporter at The Sun—that guy Epstein— one who made his rep on the White Glove murders, he still won’t let the Adena Wilson case go, still trying to make it a Red Ball. So who knows, maybe it wasn’t the Arabber…
MUNCK
Nah! I think the Ay-rab did it—
PEMBERTON
Arabber! Ay-rab is considered racist, remember?
MUNCK
Yeah, I got the memo. Anyway, this Epstein character at The Sun is all over the Bondage Murders even with the seven-month lull. This clown is a real pain in the ass, must think he is Henry Louis Mencken or something.
PEMBERTON
The Rag of Calvert Street ain’t nothing like in its heyday.
MUNCK
The Rag of—
PEMBERTON
The Sun. But I must say they have some great sportswriters. Bob Maisel and you know that a Sun cartoonist invented the Birds’ logo
MUNCK
I did not know that. The cartoon bird? I love that cartoon bird. I mean that is the problem with my Yankees. How do you visually depict a Yankee? I mean what if we wanted to come up with a mascot. We put a guy in a Union soldier uniform? I don’t think so. But we got the colors man, red, white and blue.
PEMBERTON
Big deal! We have the Star Spangled Banner! Francis Scott Key! Fort McHenry! And we got first place. (picks up The Sun) The Yankees are in fourth place, NINE AND A HALF behind. The glory days are over, my friend. No more Mister October.
MUNCK
He’ll be back.
PEMBERTON
I think he’s done!
Scene 3
(SETTING: The Fells Point Hotel Bar, Jackson Brown’s “Cocaine” plays)
MYSTERY WOMAN
So you don’t deal drugs then what do you do? Just what do you do Mister Kennerly.
MAN IN BAR
I deal software. Well, I deal in software.
MYSTERY WOMAN
So you deal coke? Pun intended! You are a soft drink peddler?
MAN IN BAR
First of all, I am NOT a peddler of anything. I deal in software. Computer software. Proprietary systems. I set up financial institutions with computer software to help them track nearly everything they need to track. I am close to closing a deal with Maryland National Bank.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Surprising.
MAN IN BAR
What’s surprising?
MYSTERY WOMAN
That a gentleman in that field would have a wallet full of cash instead of a wallet full of credit cards.
MAN IN BAR
Like the shoemaker whose kids are shoeless, I don’t really believe in credit cards. I have one, an American Express. Anyway, I hope I can close this deal before Friday because I have even bigger fish to fry next week with Lincoln Financial in Philly then down to Miami to meet with Amerifirst.
MYSTERY WOMAN
I’d love to go to Miami but not this time of year.
MAN IN BAR
Did that sound like an invitation?
MYSTERY WOMAN
No just saying… but for all these big deals you are the verge of closing, you don’t look well-heeled. I mean we’re talking Men’s Warehouse not Brook’s Brothers.
MAN IN BAR
Well, I uh, the problem is that this software is so revolutionary that most of the asshole decision-makers I deal with don’t understand its benefits. We are just a start up and I’m in on the ground floor but if we succeed and I stick, we are talking millions. And the way we are marketing this is that we’re practically giving it away on the contingency that once the bank starts seeing the savings and I am talking thousands of dollars in labor that we’ll save ‘em. We renew the deal ninety days from now at the full rate and the company and I both make money. Lots of money.
MYSTERY WOMAN
So for now, you are just a guy in cheap suits who has to stay in second rate motels and–
MAN IN BAR
Well, this place ain’t the Taj Mahal but—
MYSTERY WOMAN
But it ain’t the Hilton either.
MAN IN BAR
Well, it ain’t Motel 6 either. I have a suite, really nice wet-bar and I hear they have a hot tub in the Honeymoon Suite.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Too bad you don’t have the Honeymoon Suite, I could go for some ludes and a Hot Tub.
MAN IN BAR
Mark, could you bring me the phone?
MYSTERY WOMAN
So you are going to try to book the Honeymoon Suite, well, Jim, I was only… I mean, uh, I—
MAN IN BAR
Oh hon, don’t try to back out now. Don’t play with me now!
(MARK brings the phone. MAN IN BAR picks it up and dials “0’ as Bee Gees “More Than a Woman” begins playing)
(Cont’d)
Say, Steve is it? This is Jim Kennerly in 316, say Steve is the—
MYSTERY WOMAN
Oh I can’t believe what I am getting myself into. Mark, get me one more and put it on Jim’s tab.
MAN IN BAR
So yes just for the one night. Okay twenty minutes then, can you just let Mark know when its ready then? Yes, put it on my AmEx. Okay. Thanks Steve.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Oh my God! What have I done? Well, maybe you are a good closer, after all.
(slow blackout as “More Than a Woman” plays)
Scene 4
(SETTING: Baltimore Police Fells Point homicide office MUNCK sits at desk reading the paper while PEMBERTON finishes pouring coffee)
MUNCK
Looks like its bye, bye birdies, you guys are now nine and a half out!
PEMBERTON
Yeah brutal! I was at The Stadium last night, 11-0. Brutal. Flanny had nothing! But there’s still two months to go. Anything could happen.
MUNCK
Except that your birdies are in fourth place. If anybody takes the Yanks, it’ll be the Red Sox. They are still only four back.
PEMBERTON
Anyway, you should worry more about all the red up on the board rather than the RED Sox!
MUNCK
Well yeah, if I don’t start closing cases, my ass might be back walking the beat in Highlandtown!
PEMBERTOWN
Or they could ship your behind back to Brooklyn where you belong.
MUNCK
No I love the Bay too much. Even thinking of buying a boat—
PEMBERTON
The Bay. Boats. Baseball. You need to think murders, my friend! Solving murder cases. Forget the boat! Forget—
MUNCK
—Yeah, yeah, yeah…but it’s getting so I am afraid to pick up the phone. I am snake-bit. If I get another serial murderer, I might start of thinking of going over to the other side. Kate, on the other hand, everything she touches turns to gold—
PEMBERTON
She is something! The first ever female homicide detective in this unit and she’s solved what? Thirteen in a row now?
MUNCK
I think she must be sucking Giordano’s dick and he is feeding her all the dunkers!
PEMBERTON
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and just do your job. She answers the phone the same way we all do. It is just the luck of the draw or maybe she is just smarter than you.
MUNCK
No way! These fucking women though. They want equal rights? We let them get the upper hand and it’s all over for us. They take over the world. Damn women. They ain’t smarter. But they have intuition. Fucking Kate has intuition. That’s why she always picks up the phone at the right time. It is her damn feminine intuition!
PEMBERTON
(singing)
Well, yes de women are uh smarter! Oh yes de women are uh smarter—
MUNCK
Yes, they may be, Frank, yes they may just well be. That’s why we can never let them get the upper hand!
(blackout)
Scene 5
(SETTING: Hotel room at Mount Vernon Inn. Naked semi-conscious man handcuffed and tied spread-eagled to bed while the Bee-Gees Stayin’ Alive plays somewhat loudly on the radio. A “Do Not Disturb” sign hangs on the door. The man coughs weakly and murmurs. Maid approaches, listens for a moment to the murmuring, starts to walk away then stops, then decides to knock, then waits)
MAID
Room service…room service?
(MAID still hearing coughing and murmuring, puts key in door then stops momentarily pondering then leaves)
Scene 6
(SETTING: Baltimore Police Fells Point homicide office. Jerry Reed’s “When Your Hot Your Hot” plays on radio)
MUNCK
Well, Frank looks like your Birds are really toast now. Ten and a half back. Mister October hit another one out last night! Let’s see, the Yanks have now won six in a row!
PEMBERTON
Like I told you yesterday, you need to worry about solving murders, not baseball. On the other hand, I always say, life is like baseball. Solving crimes is like baseball. Like the song says. Sometime you’re hot and sometimes you’re not.
MUNCK
(Getting up and switching radio to a news-talk station, “…today the high is expected to be in the upper nineties with a 50% chance of rain…now turning to sports here’s WBAL’s Charlie Eckman…”)
Well, speaking of hot, Christ I am glad we finally got the AC fixed…
(“…well, it looks more and more like it’s gonna be wait until next year for the 1978 Birds…”)
(Cont’d)
…but yeah Frank I need to get hot. I need a DiMaggio or at least a Pete Rose. (drops off) Say, you’re Catholic, right?
PEMBERTON
Yes?
MUNCK
And you have all these patron saints, right? Like I heard there are patron saints for when you lose something, patron saints for—
PEMBERTON
—Saint Anthony of Padua, yes—
MUNCK
So is there a patron saint for cops who are in desperate need of a dunker?
PEMBERTON
Well, I don’t think that specific but there is a patron saint for cops. Saint Michael the Archangel. In fact, I am wearing the pendant. I also wear a scapular.
MUNCK
Wait! You wear a scapula? Isn’t that a little large?
PEMBERTON
It’s a mouse scapula!
MUNCK
A mouse scapula?
PEMBERTON
Just pulling your leg. I wear a scapular. Not a scapula.
MUNCK
What’s that?
PEMBERTON
It is a pendant that ensures those who wear it will never die without having a priest administer the last rites. It is a ticket to heaven. Well, not directly because you still might be diverted to purgatory for a while but eventually you are admitted to heaven.
MUNCK
And you believe all this hocus pocus?
PEMBERTON
(recitation)
I believe in God, the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth. And in Jesus Christ his only Son, our Lord; who was conceived by the Holy Spirit—
MUNCK
–Stop! Just stop!
PEMBERTON
–born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried. On the third day—
MUNCK
—Please?
PEMBERTON
Okay, say have you ever thought of converting, you could use some religion. Some faith anyway.
MUNCK
No thanks… but then again…can I see that Saint Michael thingy.
(Hands him a metal pendant, Saint Michael on one side and text on the other)
(Cont’d)
Keep him safe day and night, give him courage strength and might. What a load of crap!
PEMBERTON
You’d be surprised how many of us wear it though. It is said to have saved an officers life too…. deflected a bullet—
MUNCK
Now that, that is a load of—
PEMBERTON
Well, maybe, but then again, who knows but I have faith and that’s what carries me through the day.
(telephone rings)
(Cont’d)
It’s your turn, buddy.
MUNCK
Fuck me! (beat) Just fuck me!
(picks up phone and listens)
(Cont’d)
Oh my God. Fuck! This does not sound good. They just found a naked dead guy handcuffed and tied to his bed at the Mount Vernon Inn. Let’s go.
Scene 7
(Mount Vernon Inn hallway outside crime scene, murmuring, cameras clicking)
MUNCK
So what you’re saying is that you came by yesterday and you thought you heard murmuring and crying for help but you didn’t go in.
MAID
No, mister, uh detective, I thought quizas por un momento, maybe I go in but then I think no, it’s okay…then I think maybe I tell el jefe but he was busy so then I go home. Today I come back and they find el hombre dead. Dios mio! (blesses herself)
PEMBERTON
So the murmuring, could you make out anything, anything at all.
.
MAID
Well the radio, it was loud, I hear him coughing, then I think he started to say something but it make no sense to me what he say—
MUNCK
So what did he say! What do you think he said?
MAID
Well I not sure because it make no sense but I, I uh—
MUNCK
Yes?
PEMBERTON
Yes, go on—
MAID
Well, I think he say and my hearing not so good but yo pienso, I think he say…
MUNCK
Yes?
MAID
Well, I think he say “rosebud” It make no sense but that is what I think he say “rosebud” Maybe mean something in Americano, I don’t know.
MUNCK
Oh my God, I don’t believe this!
PEMBERTON
And that’s all you heard?
MAID (to MUNCK)
Do I say something wrong, senor?
(to PEMBERTON)
No that’s all I hear “rosebud”
MUNCK
Jesus Christ
PEMBERTON (to MUNCK)
Get a grip, monkey man! God has nothing to do with this!
(to MAID)
Okay, ma’am, well you may need to come in and make a statement and we might need a polygraph.
MAID
A poly—
MUNCK
A lie detector test—
MAID
I no lie, senor?
PEMBERTON
No ma’am, we believe you. Nostrotros creemos que usted habla la verdad.
MAID
Oh thank you, gracias senor gracias! Perdonome its okay? Necesito a salir. Can I go?
MUNCK
Yes, I think we have what we need for now but don’t leave town.
MAID
Gracias
(exits)
PEMBERTON
So what now?
MUNCK
So this guy was in bed tied up for two days…the day manager says he knows nothing…Hopefully we’ll get some prints but we need to talk to the bar people.
PEMBERTON
Well, Kelly already interviewed the daytime bartender who couldn’t give us a thing…so we should talk to the people that were on Tuesday night—
MUNCK
Yes, I already checked, they both come in at three—
PEMBERTON
So let’s grab some lunch? Crabs?
MUNCK
Sounds good! Connolly’s?
PEMBERTON
Yes! Connolly’s it is
Scene 8
(SETTING: Connolly’s Seafood Restaurant, sounds of waves, foghorns in background)
MUNCK
(to waitress)
Another National Premium and another Diet-Rite for my friend
PEMBERTON
What regular Natty Boh not good enough for you?
MUNCH
Are you kidding? That monkey piss? I’d order a Ballantine but they don’t carry it.
PEMBERTON
You can take the boy out of New York City but you can’t—
MUNCK
Enough already with that mantra.
PEMBERTON
More like a meme!
MUNCK
A meme? What’s a meme?
PEMBERTON
It refers to something that through repetition within a culture becomes familiar. It’s a word coined by Richard Dawkins—
MUNCK
I never knew or thought that guy was capable of anything more than kissing his contestants and making stupid quips! In fact, a lot like your stupid quips, Frank.
PEMBERTON
Richard Dawkins, not Dawson!
MUNCK
Who is—oh never mind, I am sure it’s another guy you studied when you were majoring in philosophy at Holy Cross…I just wonder why you are wasting all that education doing this?
PEMBERTON
Well, this is what God meant for me to do, something your heathen butt would never understand. Anyway, it’s barely past two, let’s get some dessert. The apple pie is to die for. And a la mode, for sure.
MUNCK
Yes…the best in the city and I’ll get mine with ice cream.
(waitress brings drinks and picks up dishes)
PEMBERTON
So were about ready for some dessert but give my friend time to finish his beer. I’ll take the apple pie a la mode and, for my buddy, he’ll have the same (winks) only with ice cream. Vanilla, of course. So, John, you think this will be another Red Ball?
Note itsd already a red ball instead DISCUSS HOW BMM HAS STRUCK AGAIN
MUNCK
You’re kidding. A guy handcuffed and tied to his bed for two days, apparently dies of some slow acting poison, what do you think?
PEMBERTON (facetiously)
Well, you never know. It could turn out he died of natural causes.
MUNCK
Yeah right. I should be so lucky. But it still would be a homicide either way as being tied up would make the person culpable.
PEMBERTON
You say “person” rather than woman. I am pretty sure it was a woman probably a working girl.
MUNCK
Well, you know that Leon’s is just down the street—you know the gay bar? Not to mention The Hippo—
PEMBERTON
Well yeah but—
MUNCK
And the handcuffs, you know a lot of those guys are into that, that—
PEMBERTON
S and M?
MUNCK
You know about that shit, Frank? I am surprised.
PEMBERTON
You’d be surprised at what I learned at Holy Cross and I have been working homicide for seven years now…run into all kinds of kinky shenanigans in this town…I don’t need to watch John Waters blasphemous movies to find out about that stuff.
MUNCK
Reminds me I need to make phone call
(slow fade to black, then lights up)
MUNCK
(in phone booth)
Hey babes, look I am going to late again. I am sorry. I know your fixing lasagna…my favorite… but—
(indistinguishable deep voice is heard through phone)
Look, hon, I am really sorry but I think it’s going to be another Red Ball
(PEMBERTON walks by on way to bathroom, glances at MUNCK who hunches over guardedly)
Look, look, I gotta go…yeah maybe nine or ten, I don’t know…okay I’ll try to call later…say, what do you know about sado-ma—oh never mind, we’ll talk tonight or in the morning if I’m late.
(blackout, lights up, MUNCK and PEMBERTON are back at table)
PEMBERTON
So who was that?
MUNCK
Oh uh, my uh neighbor. I uh asked her if she could feed my cat.
PEMBERTON
I didn’t know you had a cat—
MUNCK
I didn’t either. (beat) Man, this is the best, this ice cream it must be Breyers?
PEMBERTON
Breyers? Is that some New York brand? No, it’s Hendler’s, the best.
MUNCK
And these pies?
PEMBERTON
Exclusive to Connolly’s. Some woman, Mildred Pierce I think her name is, bakes all their pies. Anyway, look we better finish up—Oh doggone it, I almost forgot, I am supposed to see Giordano at four, can you handle this bartender interview yourself?
MUNCK
Sure
Scene 9
(SETTING: Mount Vernon Inn, MUNCK sits at bar, he is the only customer)
BARTENDER #2
I still can’t believe any of this. I can’t believe this happened here, for sure. Guy tied up for almost two days, I hear. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it could happen here. I mean this is a class joint. F. Scott Fitzgerald drank here and Mencken. And oh, that other guy, the guy that wrote The Jungle?
MUNCK
The Jungle?
BARTENDER #2
Oh, let me look it up on my phone—
MUNCK
Your phone? You can’t look it up on your phone. This is 1978!
BARTENDER #2
Oh, yes that’s right. Oh, wait, it was Sinclair Lewis, er no, Upton Sinclair, yes Upton—
MUNCK
So… we just need to get down to business.
BARTENDER #2
Yes, sure.
MUNCK
So, the victim came in at around 8pm you say?
BARTENDER #2
Yes, more or less. I remember it was slow that night and he just nursed his drink…a Schlitz if I recall but definitely beer until—
MUNCK
Yes?
BARTENDER #2
Well, he nursed this one beer for like an hour and a half. I was at the other end of the bar talking with one of the regulars, I hadn’t even noticed her…anyway, he calls to me…calls to me by name which is weird because I don’t remember telling him my name, anyway, he says, “Hey Danny, the lady and I over here are dry!” So yes so like now he is sitting with this very tall and attractive blonde, very well dressed, a black low cut dress and black leather knee high boots with stiletto heels that I noticed later, not heavily made up, just very pretty without all the mascara a lot of the girls wear, you know the ones who try to look like Liz Taylor, so anyway, he orders a 7 and 7 for himself and a vodka martini for the lady, who insisted on Stoli which I thought was a little weird.
MUNCK
Age?
BARTENDER #2
I’d say late twenties, 27 maybe.
MUNCK
If you had to guess. Do you think they knew each other?
BARTENDER #2
Well, they seem to be having such a good time, lots of animated conversation, I gave them a lot of space so I didn’t overhear anything…except I heard them mention leather a couple of times…so they seemed to be two people who just met and just hit it off right off the bat or maybe old friends who had not seen each other…they sure seemed to have a lot to talk about.
(Three businessmen walk in and sit at the other end of the bar)
I’ll be there in just a second, gentlemen…So yes, they were really enjoying each other’s company, excuse me for just a second….
MUNCK
Okay relax, take care of your customers
BARTENDER #2
Well it’s happy hour so we are going to get busy.
MUNCK
So they are having a good time, chatting, and then?
BARTENDER #2
Well, after about three rounds, they start getting cozy, if you know what I mean, not kissing or anything just real close to one another…then around 10:30 it got really busy and I look up and they are gone. I go to pick up the glasses and there’s a Benjamin under the guy’s glass. A real blessing because I barely made my rent this month. Look it is really getting busy so—
MUNCK
Well, I think I got what I need for now but I need to get your contact information and I am going to ask you come down to the station to do an artist’s rendering.
BARTENDER #2
Oh cool! I feel like I am on Colombo! Can I come in tomorrow, I’m off.
MUNCK
Yes, great, but in the meantime, I need to get your contact information and the contact information of your three closest friends and relatives
BARTENDER #2
Sure uh okay but why do you need all that?
MUNCK
Just get it for me…I’ll explain later.
Scene 10
(SETTING: Baltimore Police Department Fells Point homicide office, Munck reads the The Sun)
MUNCK
Well it looks like your Birdies are truly toast. In fourth place, TWELVE AND A HALF behind my pinstripers…on the other hand, they might have an outside shot at a wild card.
PEMBERTON
Wild card? Isn’t that football?
MUNCK
Oh right yeah, what was I thinking.
PEMBERTON
I guess you missed the front page then?
MUNCK
Yeah, I only got the sports…and the classified.
PEMBERTON
Well, you’ll need to have a look at the front page. The muckraking SOB at The Sun did an expose on our M.E. that you wouldn’t believe. And specifically mentioned your Red Ball and that six weeks in, you still don’t have toxicology reports. He also questions that our stellar forensic department didn’t pull any helpful fingerprints out of your crime scene.
MUNCK
Yes, except for the hotel staff and the victim…anyway, I expect that we’ll get alcohol and ricin again.
PEMBERTON
So what about the bartender?
MUNCK
He was really helpful, in fact, he just called me and said he is on the way to come in to do the artists’s rendering. Really helpful unlike the bartender at The Mount Vernon…remember him? He just up and disappears a day before he was to come down for the artist rendering…we got a warrant and searched his apartment but although he left in a hurry, he took everything, the neighbors weren’t any help, they say he kept to himself. A couple neighbors thought he was gay, for whatever that’s worth…well, he did seem a little light in his loafers
PEMBERTON
He wore loafers?
MUNCK
No actually he wore wingtips if I recall, Frank, this is no time to play!
PEMBERTON
Anyway, so this guy just disappeared off the face of the earth?
MUNCK
Yes and worse yet, a lot of the information he gave at work was false. The landlord went right in after he moved out and wiped the place clean. The strange thing is why this guy just up and disappears. It makes no sense.
PEMBERTON
Well, maybe the toxicology will show you something. At this point, we should go back and talk to all the neighbors we can find that knew this guy as well as all the hotel employees. That’s all you’ve got.… Until of course, the bondage murder Mistress strikes again. As our friend at The Sun thinks she will.
MUNCK
Ha! Imagine that guy labeling the perp the Bondage Murder Mistress when were not even sure that it’s a woman… Well… Everything, of course, points to a female but there sure ain’t no way to tell yet.
PEMBERTON
in the meantime, I have my own cases to close. No Red Balls, thank God but who knows what tomorrow will bring.
MUNCK
Indeed!
(blackout)
Scene 11
(SETTING: Baltimore Police Department Fells Point office)
MUNCK
So I just got the toxicology back on
Well they found alcohol and cannabis, not surprising, but also ricin….the cause of death is listed as ricin poisoning. It is a slow acting poison that is extracted from castor beans NOTE RICIN WAS ALREADY ESTABLISHED?
PEMBERTON
Rice and beans? I had that for lunch. Should I go the ER?
MUNCK
Okay Frank no time for your quipsterisms. I am sure that you know what ricin is, seeing that you read The Sun back to front. The ME was telling me there was an international incident just last week. This is James Bond type stuff, supposedly this Russian dissident was stabbed on The London Bridge by a man using a weapon built into an umbrella that injected a small amount of the poison into this guy’s leg.[3] He died two days later. This is not good Frank! Epstein is going to have a field day with this.
PEMBERTON
I am afraid he is my friend. I am afraid he is.
(blackout, lights up)
(MUNCK sits at desk head down reading a newspaper, PEMBERTON walks in carrying two Dunkin’ Donuts coffees and newspapers)
PEMBERTON (putting coffee down on MUNCK’s desk)
Here you go, my friend, I thought I’d try to bring you some luck!
MUNCK
I am going to need it. Our friend at The Sun has this on the front page. The good news is that he has backed off calling it The Bondage Mistress murders. The bad news is that he is calling it an international incident, he’s now calling it The Ricin Murders and speculating that our Mr. O’Casey might have ties to the IRA! Of course, this clown has no real evidence except that a neighbor said that he might have traveled back and forth to Ireland a couple of times.
PEMBERTON
Well my friend, I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news…even worse news, I am afraid.
(hands him newspapers)
MUNCK
Oh my fucking God. Jesus Christ!
PEMBERTON
I know it’s bad Frank but please don’t put it on God!
MUNCK
The NEW YORK TIMES! AND THE WAHINGTON POST! And on the front page? Just shoot me. Just fucking shoot me!
PEMBERTON
Well maybe there’s a bright side Frank, if this is an international incident, if there’s espionage or I would venture to say maybe some kind of weapons exchange, which I would say is far more likely considering the IRA angle, we will be able to hand this all off to the Feds, the FBI, the ATF…
MUNCK
Damn Frank, yeah that makes sense, thanks but it’s all just speculation at this point and this guy was an aluminum siding salesman, a tin man! Not an arms dealer!
PEMBERTON
Well, the job could be just a cover. But we could find that out very easily. Let’s go talk to his employer.
Scene 12
(SETTING: Baltimore Police Department, Fells Point parking lot, PEMBERTON, keys in hand, and MUNCK approach car)
MUNCK
Okay if I drive, Frank?
PEMBERTON
No!
MUNCK
Why not?
PEMBERTON
Because you you’re a lousy driver and besides you should review your notes while they’re fresh.
MUNCK
Well okay, guess you’re right
(gets into car)
PEMBERTON
So what do you think?
MUNCK
I think it is pretty clear the guy was just a siding salesman and not a gun runner for the IRA
PEMBERTON
In fact, he was one of their top closers, right?
MUNCK
Yeah and supposedly the guy put in fifty sixty hours a week, working nights, weekends and the trips to Ireland, he visited his sick mother who they say passed away in June.
PEMBERTON
We should confirm that—
MUNCK
Yes, but I think it is pretty clear the guy was just an aluminum siding salesman, a tin man.
PEMBERTON
Those guys are quite insane, a buddy I knew at Poly became a tin man. What a character. He used to tell me about all the tricks they used to pull trying to fish customers like saying their home would be featured on the cover of Life Magazine. Crazy stuff but really funny stuff.
MUNCK
Yeah funny stuff but not so funny now because the state is cracking down on them big league.
PEMBERTON
Bigly. Big-ly?
MUNCK
Big league, you know like big time. I guess it’s a New York saying.
PEMBERTON
Speak Baltimorese otherwise, people will not understand you down here.
MUNCK
Okay, hon. (beat) Anyway, our buddy from The Sun, Epstein is writing an expose on our tin men.
PEMBERTON
Great maybe he will stay off our case!
MUNCK
Anyway those guys we met today. Real characters! Somebody should make a movie about them.
PEMBERTON
Yeah.
(blackout)
Scene13
(SETTING: Baltimore Police Department homicide office, Munck reading The Sun)
MUNCK (reading newspaper)
My Yankees finally wrapped up the Division last night. We are going to back to back just like the glory days!
PEMBERTON
It’s been awhile since you guys repeated, what was it? 61, 62?
MUNCK
Yeah sixteen years ago, 1962, I was sixteen and was just getting over the heartbreak of the Bums moving to Brooklyn and becoming a Yankees fan.
PEMBERTON
You were never a Mets fan, I hope!
MUNCK
No…. Yankee fans hate the Mets, just like they hated Brooklyn and the Giants.
PEMBERTON
I am still trying to get over 1969! The amazing Mets, then the Jets beat the Colts, one of the worst years of my life, sports-wise anyway, but I did meet my beautiful wife in ’69. Our first date was the first game of the 69 series. The one game the Orioles won.
(KATE HANFORD enters carrying a Dunkin Donuts coffee)
KATE HANFORD
Hey I just heard on the radio that the FBI completed their check on your Tin Man turns out he was just an aluminum siding salesman. Poor guy, left five kids and a mountain of debt.
MUNCK
Wait! They release that to the media and don’t bother telling us first?
PEMBERTON
That’s Quantico!
(phone rings)
KATE HANFORD
You’re up, John!
PEMBERTON
It’s the inside line…I’ll get it…okay…okay…the Holiday Inn, downtown…tied to his bed…all right…you want Kate on it too and…okay then, Chief. (hangs up, to MUNCK) Looks like your Bondage Mistress has struck once again!
Scene 14
(SETTING: Holiday Inn Bar)
BARTENDER #2
Sorry no, I didn’t get a good look at her. Tall. Redhead. Attractive from what I could see. She comes in, taps the guy on the shoulder. The next thing I know, they’re both gone. This was about 10:30 when they left. The guy had like three drinks, sort of nursed them since he was here almost three hours, the one thing I noticed, he kept looking at his watch a lot. It was slow so we got to talk…said he was here for the realtor’s convention…and from the Midwest somewhere….Kansas City I think…seemed like a real nice guy…showed me a picture of his wife and kids…didn’t seem to be the type of guy who would get involved with…well you know…you never know I guess…you just never know.
KATE HANFORD
So he never mentioned anything about meeting up with a woman?
BARTENDER #2
No, in fact, I mentioned that I noticed him looking at his watch and he told me he was meeting up with a business associate….say excuse me I got to take of that customer.
KATE HANFORD
So what do you think, John?
MUNCK
Looks like the same MO. Married businessman from out of town, hooks up with our mystery woman and winds up being found tied up and dead in his bed two days later…we have to wait on the toxicology but I did some research on this ricin…which is extracted from the Castor Bean, in fact there have been children who were poisoned just handling these beans but anyway once its synthesized, it takes a very small amount of it to kill someone and death only occurs 24 to 36 hours or even longer after ingestion. And Quantico tells me that synthesizing the poison is not something that the typical person could do…that it would take a great deal of expertise…it would take someone with a background in chemistry and access to a laboratory. So, on one hand we are thinking this woman is a professional…an escort….then on the other hand, a professional of another type, a chemistry professor or someone who might be working for Dow Chemicals or some place like that…maybe we could…Kate, are their employers that we might look for to—
KATE HANFORD
Oh my God, John. From Aberdeen Proving Grounds to Fort Meade, the NSA, not to mention possible employers closer to DC, and in DC itself, there are hundreds of possibilities, talk about a needle in a haystack—
MUNCK
Yeah, I’m grasping at straws here… it will probably be a big nothing burger!
KATE
A nothing bur—
(PEMBERTON enters)
PEMBERTON
–Hey Kate…Munck—
MUNCK
So you got anything?
PEMBERTON
Not a lot. Nothing from the either of the managers. Not a thing. But I did get something from one of the maids. She said the Do Not Disturb sign was on the door all three mornings she came by. Early in the afternoon on Tuesday, the second day, she caught a glimpse of a woman leaving. Redhead, tall, well-dressed, didn’t see her face…she came by on Tuesday morning, day three…knocked several times, never any answer. Finally, she glimpsed in and found the dead guy.
MUNCK
And nothing on the hotel security camera?
PEMBERTON
Hotel security camera? Monks, this is 1978!
MUNCK
Oh right! Damn, I forgot…so anything else from the maid?
PEMBERTON
Well, only what we already know, guy dead, naked, tied and handcuffed to his bed. (beat) But forensics has apparently found some interesting stuff…a small amount of blood, hair of two different types and a lot of what appears to be dried semen, a bunch of it in different places. Of course, until we can apply the Watson and Crick research that won’t do us much good—
MUNCK?
Watson? Sherlock Holmes?
PEMBERTON
No monkey man, Watson and Crick, they discovered deoxyribonucleic acid, DNA, and I just read a paper that there may be some new method of human genomic testing that could turn out to be a sort of a unique, um what they are calling a DNA fingerprint, from blood, from semen, from hair maybe, even saliva…so the most important thing is that we preserve the evidence because this new technology could be just around the corner…just years away.
MUNCK
Well that sounds promising but by then I’ll probably be back walking the beat in Highlandtown.
PEMBERTON
Well I wouldn’t give up hope quite yet. They also lifted a bunch of prints so…
BARTENDER #2
(Brings MUNCK the house phone)
Oh, Officer Munck, you got a call here he said it is really important
MUNCK (whispering)
What are you doing calling me here…(To PEMBERTON and KATE HANFORD) excuse me guys this is personal….(KATE HANFORD and PEMBERTON move stage right and start talking among themselves) so yeah I know we have tickets to “Mousetrap” tonight….I don’t think we’ll have time for dinner though….we may just have to meet at the theater…yeah I can make it by 7:30…right…at the box office, the tickets are at will call, right? Okay, listen you really need to be more discreet….okay…I know…but I could lose my job….then what would we do? Okay then 7:30 at the Lyric….if I can get out earlier I’ll call you…otherwise…okay…(KATE HANFORD and PEMBERTON walk back over to the bar near MUNCK) okay, look okay I really need to go….bye)
KATE HANFORD
Who was that? Sounded intense.
MUNCK
Oh no not really. It was my cat sitter, she was worried because Sylvester refuses his cat food and she thinks he might be sick.
KATE HANFORD
I didn’t know you were a cat lover, John.
MUNCK
I’m not.
PEMBERTON
So listen up, the manager says he has a couple other people we can speak to, doesn’t think they have anything but says we should talk to them
MUNCK
Who exactly?
PEMBERTON
A couple maids and a guest.
MUNCK
Okay, let’s go, maybe Kate can work some magic
Scene 15
(SETTING: Fells Point Hotel Bar, Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” plays on jukebox)
MAN IN BAR
No, really, Tiffany, you are a really energetic gal. I like that in a woman, really, and I certainly hope I didn’t offend you.
MYSTERY WOMAN
Well, I am an energetic woman but I’ll let that pass. (beat) I don’t think I like you. I don’t think I like you at all, Mister Kelly but I’m out to have a good time and… not that it matters but are you married?
MAN IN BAR
Well, I uh–
MYSTERY WOMEN
Okay, you’re married but that’s okay, we’ll have a good time and we’ll never see each other again.
MAN IN BAR
Well, I don’t know, I come to Charm City quite often
MYSTERY WOMAN
Well I don’t, well I mean I live here but I’m a one trick pony.
MAN IN BAR
It seems to me a fascinating, mysterious woman like yourself would have more than one trick up her…uh dress.
MYSTERY WOMAN
You really are quite the male chauvinist pig, Mister Kelly…but again…I’ll give you a pass, you men are all alike.
MAN IN BAR
So you are into all that women’s lib sh—uh stuff? Gloria Stein and all that?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Steinem!
MAN IN BAR
Oh right yes, Steinem—so you agree with them?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Well, yes and no. I have my own philosophy. In fact, I am writing a book about it…say could I have one of those ‘ludes?
MAN IN BAR
Sure, yeah.
(Hands her Quaalude, after looking at it carefully she washes it down)
(Cont’d)
So your book? Your philosophy? You sure are a fascinating ga—uh woman. Anyway tell me more.
MYSTERY WOMAN
So all these woman, Steinem, Betty Friedan…the women in what I have termed the Second Wave of feminism and for that matter all the women in what I call the First Wave, you know Seneca Falls, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Lucretia Mott and all of them are or were upper-middle class white women. I mean Stanton’s husband was a US Senator and help found the Republican Party, for Lord’s sake, but at least this First Wave of women were abolitionists too. This current crop, this second wave are just suburban bourgeois women who only care about their lily white world and are really just propounding theory because none of them really know the struggles of the women who not only suffer from gender inequality but also suffer class, socio-political and, most significantly, racial inequality. That’s what my book is about. It’s called Feminism: The Third Wave (Why The Second Wave of Feminism is a Fraud). I threw in this subtitle to curry favor with the men who control the publishing business. You see, I deal with asshole decision-makers, too, Mister Kelly.[4]
MAN IN BAR
Well, you are beautiful and brilliant. A rare combination.
MYSTERY WOMAN
You just love to put your foot in your mouth, don’t you, Mister Kennerly?
MAN IN BAR
Well, you are beautiful and brilliant. What did I say that was wrong?
MYSTERY WOMAN
The rare combination part but I don’t expect that you would understand. Men are from Mars; women are from Venus.
MAN IN BAR
Well, that’s catchy, could be great book title—
(David Bowie’s “Changes” begins playing)
MYSTERY WOMAN
Yes, hah! I guess it could but—
MAN IN BAR
–So tell me more…about the book that is
MYSTERY WOMAN
Well you know I have another theory even more revolutionary perhaps. It deals with an emerging class of women who are and really will be struggling in the future. Are you familiar with the work of Dr. John Money at Johns Hopkins?
(Bar telephone rings, Bartender #3 picks it up then motions to MAN IN BAR)
MAN IN BAR
Oh okay, thanks Mark…. looks like we’re all set
MYSTERY WOMAN
Well then I guess we are, Mister Kelly
MAN IN BAR
So then?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Well, I’d like to finish my drink, like a taste?
(As the Eagles “One of These Nights begins playing, MYSTERY WOMAN holds martini just an inch away from her lips, MAN IN BAR leans towards it and MYSTERY WOMAN pulls the glass away. MAN IN BAR reaches up her skirt but MYSTERY WOMAN guides his hand away. The two continue kissing as lights and music slowly fade.)
Scene 16
SETTING: Baltimore Police Department Fells Point Homicide Divison. MUNCK and PEMBERTON sit at desks. KATE HANFORD enters carrying Dunkin Donuts bag. “We Are Family” plays on the radio. PEMBERTON rises and turns the radio off
KATE HANFORD
Hey Frank, I was listening to that—
PEMBERTON
–Sorry, Kate but I don’t ever want to hear that song again—
MUNCK
Yeah Kate, cut him some slack, that was the Pirates theme song and Frank is still heartbroken over his Birdies going down in the series
KATE HANFORD
Well, I am not a big fan but I thought we would take them (phone rings) Hey guys, that’s the inside line, can one of you get it?
MUNCK
Homicide….oh good morning, chief? Oh shit, no! Okay, where now? Another one at the Fells Point? Okay. (long pause) Hmmm…Okay…Yes, well… Yes…hmm, well that sounds promising at least. Yeah, I’ll get everyone on it except Tim and Beau are out on that Boy’s Latin case, yeah, the lacrosse player who collapsed, okay but I’ll get everyone else on it. Okay, guys and Kate, all hands on deck, my Bondage Mistress has struck again.
PEMBERTON
Where this time?
MUNCK
Another one at the Fells Point. Same deal. Tied up and handcuffed. Only this time chief says the bartender can give us a really good make on this broad.
PEMBERTON
Maybe this is your big break
MUNCK
Hope so. Giordano wants everyone on it and he wants both Kate and I to interview the bartender.
KATE HANFORD
All right, let’s go. Here John take this for some luck.
(hands him a coffee and a donut)
Scene 17
The Fells Point Hotel Bar
BARTNDER #3
So it was slow that night, Tuesdays usually are. So this guy, he had come in a couple times since he checked in Sunday night, some kind of traveling salesman (beat) such a shame, seemed like a really nice guy, anyway around 8:30, this broad comes in, sits next to him— so naturally the guy starts trying to put the make on her, but she’s like really standoffish and sarcastic even. This broad—not your normal B-girl by any means and certainly no Saturday night hon—very sophisticated, well-dressed…I overheard her say she’s a hometown gal but no Baltimore accent, in fact, she had that accent like in the movies…you know that high-class…oh what’s the word, aristocratic accent, that’s it…a lot like what’s her name, the one with Spencer Tracy? Right yeah, Katherine Hepburn…yes a real sophisticated lady. Anyway, for like an hour…she is giving this guy a really hard way to go….calling him a drug dealer because he pulls out a wad of bills…then all of the sudden the guy is asking to transfer to the Honeymoon Suite because the chick wants a hot tub. But we only had The Presidential Suite so—
KATE HANFORD
So you said 5’10” maybe 5’11”? How could you tell? Was she wearing heels?
BARTENDER #3
Yes. But I factored that in. I noticed when she got up she wore these black leather boots with 3” stiletto heels. I’m 6’1” and she was exactly my height.
KATE HANFORD
Oh good, great…any distinguishing marks…moles.
MARK
Well, she had a mole on her cheek, her right cheek but I am pretty sure that was make-up…pencil I guess… Really nice figure, nice sized ah well you know uh chest?
KATE HANFORD
Nice big tits, eh?
BARTENDER #3
Yes. (pause) Nice legs too, a beautiful statuesque br— er woman. Only thing is, besides being really tall, she had kind of broad shoulders yet she was quite stunning…seemed like a really powerful woman not the kind I could handle but then again, I’m (beat) well, uh… anyway, yes she was striking and like I said brunette, medium length, not curly but not really straight either and I am quite sure it was natural, not a wig…I used to work at a bar where we got a lot of queens so I know wigs when I see ‘em….and like I said, high cheekbones, nice full lips, high eyebrows and natural, not penciled in…. beautiful long eyelashes, nicely painted and definitely not fake…yeah I think I can give you a nice rendering…
MUNCK
So you can come down tomorrow and do the artist rendering?
BARTENDER #3
Sure, detective, no problem.
MUNCK
And you promise won’t disappear
BARTENDER #3
I uh what?
KATE
The last time he had a bartender coming in to do make on this woman, the guy disappeared—
BARTENDER #3
Well, I uh know uh why should I uh—
MUNCK
Well, come to think of it. Can you just come down now? I mean well we are right down the street.
BARTENDER #3
Well I yes sure as long as I can get someone to cover…yes sure.
(blackout)
Scene
Radio “A Baltimore police spokesman said at a press conference yesterday that they have received no leads yet after releasing a sketch of a possible suspect in the murder that occurred last week at the Fells Point Hotel. The suspect, the so-called Bondage Mistress Murderess, is described as being…”
(KATE HANFORD enters)
KATE HANFORD
Hey John. G just handed me this certified letter for you.
MUNCK
Certified? Delivered here? Uh, okay thanks.
(Opens letters and starts to read it then folds it up and puts it back in the envelope)
MUNCK
Hey Kate, can you cover for me, I need to get a quick bite.
KATE
Well, Frank was thinking of getting some crabs as soon as Beau gets back and he is buying!
MUNCK
Sounds good but I need to runs some errands so…I think I’ll just grab something at the White Coffee Pot.
KATE
You’re passing up crabs at Connolly’s?
MUNCK
Yeah, Kate, tell Frank thanks though.
Scene ( White Coffe Pot phone booth)
MUNCK
Oh my God, Christopher…you aren’t going to believe this. (pause) I just received a uh registered letter from the Bondage Murder Mistress. (pause) Well, yes I opened it. (pause) No I wasn’t wearing gloves. (pause) Oh you are right, I didn’t even think of that, oh shit well, if I die in the next couple days then you’ll know…no, I am not going to the hospital…well…okay I will if I start feeling queasy (pause) but no I can’t turn it over….let me read it to you….verbatim…are you sitting down? (pause) Okay here goes. “Dear sniveling little faggot flatfoot…” (pause) Look just hold on and let me read it verbatim, okay? “First, you will never find me or find out who I am, you donut-munching queer. I don’t leave clues and that sketch of me that your bartender helped you create will never lead to me being found. I can change my appearance at the drop of a hat. On the other hand, if I ever do screw up and you find me, your dirty little secret will be known to the world and you will be fired, my feckless flatfooted fruitcake friend. Finally, rest assured that there is nothing contained in this correspondence that can help you find me so you don’t need to be conflicted over whether or not you should turn this over to your forensics team of incompetents. Signed, The Bondage Murder Mistress” Okay that’s it. (long pause) No I am not going to turn it in. I’ll be fired. Yes, Chris, yes I see what you mean…yes okay, we’ll talk about it over dinner…at home of course, yeah, your lasagna would be nice and I’ll pick up some Mateus Rose and your Tia Maria for afterwards okay then.
Scene
(SETTING: MUNCK and CHRISTOPHER’s apartment, finishing dinner. . Al Greene’s Let’s Stay Together plays).
CHRISTOPHER
How do you know they’ll fire you, hon? This is 1979, in another few months, it’ll be new decade. Things are changing. I read that out in San Francisco a school teacher is filing a six million dollar lawsuit because she was fired for being a lesbian. I mean yeah, Anita Bryan may be alive and well… but this is Baltimore not Miami. We got a liberal mayor now. Spiro Agnew should be behind bars and that other crook Marvin Mandel is dead. The very neighborhood you used to walk the beat in is now represented by one of the most liberal women or— person for that matter—in Congress. Things are changing and the last thing the department needs is bad publicity. And, besides, you can just deny everything. I’ll even move out if I have to.
MUNCK
No, no, no hon…I love you and can’t live withoutcha, babes.
CHRISTOPHER
Oh that is so sweet but listen…worst case, we have money saved, we could get by until I graduate and pass the bar. We would not be on easy street…we’d just have to cut back…but we could make it. And another thing. If you don’t turn in that letter. Or if you destroy it. You could be charged with obstruction of justice and I wouldn’t be able to defend you. Not yet anyway.
MUNCK
Yes… well if they don’t fire me. Still…. Everyone would know what I am.
CHRISTOPHER
Stop it with the self-loathing crap, John. Can’t you see? Trying to stay in the closet is killing you? You just can’t go on living like this! We can’t go on living like this. Haven’t you heard about Gay Pride? Stonewall? A new day is dawning.
MUNCK
Sorry, I can’t do it. I’m not ready.
CHRISTOPHER
Well, you have no choice. What if they find a print on that letter, John? You will be a hero. And haven’t you considered that the department will keep a lid on this. No way they’ll reveal that they got this letter. Not at least until you track down this killer. Which I know you will. But again, worst case. You get fired. We sue. You can work as a PD or in security. Then when I graduate, we’ll move out West and start a new life. But they won’t fire you, John.
MUNCK
I guess you are right, Chrissie. (beat) Are my feet really flat?
CHRISTOPHER
Ha, no hon. In the meantime, get some gloves and seal that letter in a plastic bag.
Scene
(SETTING: Baltimore Police Department Fells Point Homicide Division office, MUNCK and KATE HANFORD alone at desks)
MUNCK
Well, no prints on the letter. Nothing. The letter was mailed, get this! From the Fells Point Post Office! This woman is challenging, almost mocking me. We are getting an FBI profiler to look into the content of the letter to develop some kind of psychological make-up.
KATE HANFORD
So what’s with her calling you a flatfooted faggot…I wonder what that is all about?
MUNCK
Well, the FBI is trying to figure that out. She obviously just made it up but then again Kate—
KATE HANFORD
Yes?
MUNCK
Well, Kate I–
KATE HANFORD
Yes?
MUNCK
Well, there is no way she would have any way of knowing it but—
KATE
John, just go on, I’m your friend—
MUNCK
Well, the fact is that she was right. I am gay… but I don’t have flat feet. That’s not true. (beat) I have a boyfriend. He, Christopher, has been living with me for six months…and I’ve kept it secret. Its killing me, Kate it has been absolutely kill—
KATE HANFORD
–Oh so the phone calls. The cat sitter? Now it all makes sense.
MUNCK
Yes, ha. I don’t even have a cat except for Chris, he is a pretty cool cat. You know, I am really proud of him. In six months, he’ll have a law degree…wants to be a public defender though…don’t know how that’ll work—
KATE HANFORD
Well, it’ll all work out I’m sure…so when do I get to meet your sweetheart?
MUNCK
Soon and you know what else, he is so handsome, so smart and he can cook too!
KATE HANFORD
So John?
MUNCK
Yes?
KATE HANFORD
I’ve got a secret, too. (beat) I’m gay. I have a girlfriend. (beat) But…we don’t live together…yet.
MUNCK
Well, I always sort of…well, I kind of thought—
KATE HANFORD
Why? You think I’m a little butch, huh?
MUNCK
Well, no, they uh say that it takes one to know one. So, your girlfriend? Is she out?
KATE HANFORD
Yes, totally.
MUNCK
And I suppose she wants you to come out too.
KATE HANFORD
Of course.
MUNCK
Well, same with Christopher….we should have dinner and talk about it.
KATE HANFORD
Sounds good.
MUNCK
Say Kate?
KATE HANFORD
Yes?
MUNCK
Maybe we should both come out…together.
KATE HANFORD
Hmm….that’s an idea. They would have to fire the both of us.
MUNCK
Yes, they would. (beat) They sure would.
(PEMBERTON enters)
Well, it looks like you too are really bonding! Working cases together will do that.
KATE HANFORD
Sure will.
MUNCK
Yes.
PEMBERTON
I had to laugh, Muncks. The chief got a laugh about our psycho bondage woman calling you a flatfooted faggot. Imagine…John Munck gay! What self-respecting gay could ever even be seen in public with a man with a face like yours.
MUNCK
Ha, yeah Frank and I don’t have flat-feet either.
PEMBERTON
So anyway fellas, I gotta run. Chief wants me on this other Red Ball.
KATE
Oh the Boy’s Latin…the lacrosse player?
PEMBERTON
Yes, looks like it might be a homicide after all—
MUNCK
All right then
KATE
See ya, Frank
(Frank exits)
(Cont’d)
So John?
MUNCK
Yes?
KATE
So, nothing on the letter. We know that. Expect we do have the content. All along you have been assuming that it came from the murderer—
MUNCK
Well no, of course, it could have just been written by some whacko—
KATE
Or…and this is just intuition—
MUNCK
There you go again with your damn feminine intuition…but yes go on, I have to admit your intuition has served you well.
KATE
Well, remember your mystery bartender…the one who disappeared….the one who was 5’10”? Well…I think it came from him.
MUNCK
Why?
KATE
Just intuition but—
MUNCK
But he can’t be involved, he is a man!
KATE
Yes, but maybe he is a female impersonator—
MUNCK
Naw…we got a clear make that the Bondage Murder Mistress is indeed a mistress. (long pause) But then again….Kate, did you see Pink Flamingoes?
KATE
Uh yeah sure—
MUNCK
Well, yes that woman in the park…no one would have ever known. (beat) But the last we heard the guy skipped town.
KATE
Well, maybe the guy skipped town. Or maybe— maybe the guy is right her in Baltimore…he could be right here right under our nose…maybe even living as a woman
MUNCK
Oh yeah just like that guy Robert Durst!
KATE
Robert Durst?
MUNCK
Yeah you know the guy who confessed on that documentary on HBO?
KATE
HBO?
MUNCK
HBO! Home Box Office!
KATE
Home—
MUNCK
Oh right! Never mind. I keep forgetting that this is still 1979.
KATE
John, are you feeling okay?
MUNCK
Well…I have been under a lot of stress—
KATE
Sometimes I really worry about you, John. Anyway, we should go back out and re-interview this guy’s neighbors…I should interview some of the guy’s neighbors.
MUNCK
Excellent idea, Kate, let’s go.
(black out then lights up)
(PEMBERTON enters)
PEMBERTON
So I hear you fellas got a new lead?
KATE
Frank, would you stop calling us fellas!
PEMBERTON
Oh, sorry Kate, I—
KATE
Apology accepted. So anyway yeah, I talked to this guy’s neighbors—you know the bartender who disappeared—well, she explained that the walls were so thin that when he had company you could hear every word but at least a couple of times when it was obvious he was alone, she would notice a woman leaving the apartment, she never got a good look at her but could only describe her as being tall and once the neighbor said she was a blonde and another time a redhead.
MUNCK
Another guy said he saw a tall redhead leaving the apartment early in the morning which he said struck him as odd because he thought the guy was gay.
PEMBERTON
Like I told you when you first mentioned the bartender, monkey man, the mystery bartender is your prime suspect.
MUNCK
Sure looks like it!
KATE
So, guys, we got to make sure that this information is kept under wraps. Can’t let Epstein get a hold of it. Wait no! Just the opposite, let’s get an artist rendering… one as a male… then we could have our artist do another as a woman…what the guy might look like as a woman. Then ask for the public’s help.
MUNCK
Brilliant!
PEMBERTON
Yes, great idea, Detective Hanford!
KATE
One other thing though. We should get another artist, other than our own Bernard who did our Mystery Woman sketch, to do it…. just to make sure that images of the mystery woman doesn’t subconsciously transfer to the new sketch.
PEMBERTON
Kate, you are indeed brilliant. So, let’s get Williams over at the Park Circle precinct. He’s excellent!
KATE
Yes, he’s good, great!
MUNCK
Agreed. I’ll give him a call.
(blackout)
(MUNCK, PEMBERTON and KATE HANFORD are huddled together looking at two artist sketches)
KATE
Well, I don’t know.
PEMBERTON
They do look similar yet—
MUNCK
Remember that Williams’ rendering is more artistic than scientific in that he created a woman from the male description. I do think there is some similarity though.
PEMBERTON
Just too bad none of the neighbors got a good look at this uh, woman.
KATE
Anyway, guys, it doesn’t really matter at this point because we have nothing on either one of them. (beat) So the new sketches are already out to the press?
MUNCK
Yeah. WJZ broke into “The Edge of Night” just an hour ago and is hyping it big league for the five o’clock news.
Next Scene
Radio: The O’s will open their 1984 Grapefruit League season next week against the Yankees Fort Lauderdale spring home. The Birds hope to defend their title by relying on stellar performances by Mike Boddicker, Cal Ripken, Jr., Eddie Murray and Rick Dempsey. The Yankees, who finished seven games behind the O’s
MUNCK
Did you see the Sunday Sun? Epstein is at it again! Fake news!
KATE HANFORD
Fake uh what? (beat) Anyway no, I was down the Ocean…what was it all about?
…
MUNCK
More stuff about how incompetent the department is. I am tired of the lamestream media and the fake news!
KATE HANFORD
Well, I uh…was it fake when he wrote how heroic we were when we both came out together?
MUNCK
Well no I guess not but he is harping about the unsolved Bondage Murder Mistress again. He just won’t let it go!
PEMBERTON enters
What’s he whining about now, Kate?
KATE HANFORD
Same old same old, Epstein’s article in the Sunday Sun Magazine, the Bondage Mistress again.
PEMBERTON
Yes, I am quite aware, Epstein interviewed me for the piece. Bright guy.
MUNCK
Oh Frank just because he—
PEMBERTON
–Yes he did do quite a job detailing my vast knowledge on the history of the emerging DNA technology that may soon help solve many of our cold cases including your mistress and my Arabber
KATE HANFORD
What about the White Glove case–
PEMBERTON
I don’t think so we don’t have any blood but who knows? So, Frank how long has it been since your mistress struck?
MUNCK
It will be exactly x years next month. Anyway, if we do solve the murder because we preserved the blood evidence that’ll show ‘em–
PEMBERTON
Yeah that’ll show them how brilliant I since it was my idea
MUNCK
Aw, Frank–
Next Scene
(SETTING: The Library Bar at the The Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel “What’s Love Got to Do with It” plays on the juke.)
MAN IN BAR #2
No, I’m not from LA either. I’m here for the pharmaceutical convention, leaving Monday and you?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Well I live here now… came out from Baltimore. So, you’re a pharmacist?
MAN IN BAR#2
No. I am a sales rep.
MYSTERY WOMAN
So then, you are a drug dealer?
MAN IN BAR#2
I guess you could say that. Baltimore, eh. What brought you out here?
MYSTERY WOMAN
I was just looking for a more cosmopolitan lifestyle, the Charm City charm wasn’t enough to keep me there and a friend who moved out here in 82 had an extra room so—
MAN IN BAR
And what do you do for a liv—
MYSTERY WOMAN–
–I am a uh, I’m a free-lance writer
MAN IN BAR
Really?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Yes, still looking for a publisher for my groundbreaking book on feminism and I keep food on the table by writing inane drivel for women’s magazines and, of all things, The Saturday Evening Post.
MAN IN BAR #2
Feminism, huh, so you’re one of those women’s libbers?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Please Mr. Shanahan, is it? Sean Shanahan? We are no longer referred to as women’s libbers! That is so 1970s!
MAN IN BAR #2
So sorry, uh, Tiffany I meant no harm, I am actually a liberal Democrat and supported the Equal Rights Amendment and detest that woman uh, Phyliss Schafly?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Schlafly. That woman needs to have the shit beat out of her… but I’m not here to talk
politics, just looking for a good time.
MAN IN BAR #2
We could have a good time!
MYSTERY WOMAN
You wouldn’t happen to have some samples? Quaaludes? Medical marijuana?
MAN IN BAR #2
Medical marijua—?
MYSTERY WOMAN
Oh, never mind. I got some killer sensemilla and my own ludes…let’s get a bottle of Stoli too…
MAN IN BAR #2
Gosh, Tiffany, you are so beautiful…there is something about you, that’s uh, different…I can’t put my finger on it—
MYSTERY WOMAN
No, you can’t, not now anyway—
MAN IN BAR #2
Ha! I’ll put more than a finger on it!
(Starts to grope her)
MYSTERY WOMAN
Whoa buddy, hold off on that! We’re in public!
MAN IN BAR #2
Sorry, yes, we are but not for long.
NEXT SCENE Fells Point BPD station “Against All Odds” plays on the radio then whirring sound
MUNCK
What’s that?
PEMBERTON
Looks like it’s our new machine whirring
MUNCK
Our new mach—
PEMBERTON
—Our new fax machine
MUNCK
Facts machine?
PEMBERTON
Fax..short for facsimile
MUNCK
So, we actually got something coming through? How do you work that thing?
PEMBERTON
Just wait for it to come through…
MUNCK
Wouldn’t it be faster if they just sent it over the internet?
PEMBERTON
Inter—
MUNCK
You know email?
PEMBERTON
E-?
MUNCK
Oh, never mind
PEMBERTON (pulls out cover sheet)
Anyway, look it’s from the LAPD
MUNCK
Los Angeles?
PEMBERTON
Yes, my man, Los Angeles…(pulls out page one) is there another LA? Oh, my Lord, you’ll want to take a look at this
MUNCK
Oh shit, Frank, she’s struck again?
PEMBERTON
Sure looks like it, Frank same MO, meets a guy in bar and he’s found tied up with his mouth duct-taped—* NOTE: go back and change the MO otherwise why couldn’t the victims call for help before dying
MUNCK
How do we know it’s not a copycat?
PEMBERTON
We don’t but it’s been awhile, so the public has largely forgotten about our Bondage Murder Mistress and the big thing out on the coast was that Zodiac killer. Still, you never know. So, they have the bartender coming in to get a sketch. They want everything you got on our killer. I guess you better learn how to use the fax machine. Wait, there is another page coming through…
[1] According to wiki, the first known ricin murder was September 1978 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incidents_involving_ricin
[2] “When it comes tires, wisest tire buyers come to Ezrine Tires for tires they require, wises tire buyers save at Ezrine Tires, Ezrine saves you more at every Ezrine store”)
[3] According to wiki, the first known ricin murder was September 1978 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incidents_involving_ricin
[4] The term first wave feminism was not coined until 1982 according to my research.
Harper-Nicole Anderson 