The Gospel According to Diva Rita: A Dark Comedy on the Edge of Dharma

The Gospel According to Diva Rita: A Dark Comedy on the Edge of Dharma

A Work in Progress
CAST OF CHARACTERS

DIVA RITA

A Hindu goddess who has taken a human body in an attempt to save humankind.

ISHAAN (adopted Sanskrit name meaning “”the rising sun” and associated with the Hindu god Shiva)

A follower of the Diva Rita.

SHIVANSH (adopted Sanskrit name meaning “part of Lord Shiva”)

One of Diva Rita’s most trusted followers.

SCENE ONE

DIVA RITA
Ishaan , I have been told by Haridasa, my trusted servant, that you have often vented your anger and bitterness in the Sky of Blue and in the Book of Face, is this true, my faithful warrior son?

ISHAAN (shamefully)
It is indeed true, O Holy One.

DIVA RITA
O my foolish son, and to all my brave sons and daughters who join us in the fight for peace and freedom for all humankind, do you not know your heedlessness will cause nothing but anguish and sorrow?

ISHAAN
I always try to follow your path, Exalted One, but do you not know of the terror that is about to befall us at the hands of The Evil One, The Kesariyaa Kutil Rashasa?

DIVA RITA
Yes, my son, of all the gods and goddesses,in the entire realm, I know this well, but were you not taught that your anger and bitterness toward this being you call the Orange Deceitful Satan does nothing but dissuade you from the fight for freedom? Do you not know that only love and clear intent can defeat the lust and greed of these evil men?

ISHAAN

Yes, my heart knows this to be true , but my mind cannot dispel the worry and the dread over the evil we are about to suffer.

DIVA RITA

Ishaan, remember the words The Buddha,: “There is no fear for an Awakened One, whose mind is not sodden by lust nor afflicted with fear. Realizing that the body is as fragile as a clay pot, and fortifying the mind like a well-fortified city, we must fight Evil with the sword of wisdom and love. Then, guarding the conquest, remain unattached.” (beat) Ishaan, you have been anointed to take up the cause against Evil but you cannot do so with such clutter in your mind.

ISHAAN (resigned)

Then what shall I do, Most Wise and Holy One?

DIVA RITA

You must leave the comfort of your warm abode and go now to the Mountain of Enlightenment, scale it, all the way to the summit, to the Rock of the Spirit. You will then enter the Cave of Redemption. There, you will meditate alone until the fall and the rise of two full moons.

ISHAAN
I will do thus, Pure One.

DIVA RITA

Then go now in Peace, my warrior son’
(blackout)

SCENE TWO

DIVA RITA

For what purpose do you seek my counsel, my dear Shivansh?

SHIVANSH

O Exalted One, I come to you with a troubled mind. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. Tomorrow is the day that for so long we dreaded. A day that may indeed live in infamy. The day The Rashasa begins his rule. I fear all will be lost, and for me, to make matters worse, a mere shift in the wind may cause me to lose my home and everything I worked for and the Rashasa will not raise one finger in his very small hands to help us.

DIVA RITA

Shivansh! The Small Handed One rules no one! (beat) But yes, Shivansh, the fires do trouble me greatly as well, but you are one of my most faithful servants and confidantes, and you must stay strong in the face of adversity. You are safe. You are well. Stay safe and know that what does not kill you can only make you stronger and you, of all my faithful warriors must rise above it.

SHIVANSH

Yes, I know I should not be so selfish, as even if the worse fate befalls me, I will suffer less than many of my brethren, all the dreamers and all of those who have come here to build a better life for themselves. What is to become of them? (beat) My only hope is that the Lobhi Musaka and his cohort Ramaswamaramen  and even The Three Shirted One will know that these actions will cause great harm to the economy. Perhaps, their greed will overcome the venom they hold in their hearts for my brethren who I cherish so dearly.

DIVA RITA

Yes, as you know, many thousands of us have prayed and meditated over this, hoping somehow our gods will instill in them some small sense of empathy or, perhaps even, appealing to the greed of the Evil Muskrat and his cohorts, they do not act in their own selfish interest and, instead, they decide to put an end to this madness. But we do not know what the future will bring, we have done what we can for now, this is how King Janak attained perfection. By action without attachment to results. You should also set an example for others to follow by your proper actions.

SHIVANSH

O you are so wise Exalted One. I will do as you say.

DIVA RITA

Yes, my son, continue to pray and meditate and remember to send out a reminder to our thousands of Warriors for Peace  that tomorrow is Day of Fast and all those who are not bound by earthly duties, must pray and meditate beginning when the clock strikes noon  in the East and they should continue as long as they are able. up to the hour of six o’clock. At midnight, we will all gather for a meeting to discuss our plans. I will meditate and pray that the winds diminish, and that he fires subside but do not fear the words of the Small Handed One and remember the words of the Seer Rachel: Watch what he does, not what he says.

SCENE 3

Zoom Meeting January 22, 2025

DIVA RITA

Hello, all my trusted and faithful servants. The clock not yet reached midnight and already we have over 200,000 participants, we may set and all time record. In a few minutes, I will turn it over to my trusted servant Shivansh to faclitate. (12 chimes of the meditation bell begin) After some brief comments by Shivansh, we will allow all to participate by entering questions in chat. (12th bell chimes) Let us have a full minute of silence to ask the gods to forgive the Small Handed One for all of his acts on this terrible day. (pause) Yes, this truly has been a tumultuous day, but I hope everyone is staying in the present and not allowing The Rashasa to live rent free in their brains. Oh my! We are still getting hundreds more joining in, but I will turn it over now to Shivansh after this brief prayer.
The soul being superior, it can control the material senses, mind and intelligence. 0 mighty armed Arjuna, use spiritual power to destroy the enemy and their lust and greed. Namaste.
SHIVANSH
Greetings all Warriors for Peace. After some brief comments, I will entertain questions. Some of you have questioned the tactic of affecting change through meditation alone. But these concerns reveal the ignorance of those who do not understand the Power of the Quantum. It has been documented by many such as the great visionary Deepak Chopra, that thousands have reversed all manner of disease by thought and meditation alone. These afflictions include diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, cancer and almost any affliction the mind can conjur. Although it cannot be proven, there is evidence that meditation, when thousands participate, has influenced world events. Trust in the leadership of The Anointed One, The Diva Rita. Finally, on a personal note–and I should preface this what The Buddha says–“The mindful ones exert themselves. They are not attached to any home: like swans that abandon the lake, they leave home after behind.” So call me a hypocrite but a lot of you know I live in L:A in the fire zone…I live in La Salle just south of Eaton but it now appears that my house is safe. Jai Mata Di. (Victory to the Mother Godess) Already, we are getting hundreds of questions, we have people sorting those out for the most relevant, so let’s check in with my assistant, wait, it’s you? What? How? I thought you were at the–

ISHMAAN-
—Cave of Remption. I was, but after all the pardons and communtations, Diva Rita decided to commute my sentence, so here I am.

SHIVANSH
So great to see you my loyal and trusted servant. Jai Shri Krishna!

ISHAAN

Hare Krishna! (beat) So, we are getting a lot of angry comments about the pardons and Executive Orders, and some are expressing frustration and even doubt about what we can and will do to counteract all of this.

SHIVANSH

Friends, we must resist anger and doubt, only Love and Correct Action will defeat the Evil Doers. Shivansh are you able to update those who were otherwise occupied praying and meditating while all these horrrible actions occured?

ISHAAN

Yes, it’s a lot. Most regretful, perhaps are the–

SHIVANSH

–Sorry to interupt but The Diva Rita is joining us…

DIVA RITA

Govinda jai jai! I am feeling a strong presence entering my field, it may be…oh one moment, allow Ishaan to proceed

ISHAAN

So yes, most disturbing is the pardion of all 1400 of the January 6th insurrections and commutations of the sentences of 14 others including the leader of the Proud Boys. These Evil Doers may now be unleashed as vigilantes to carry out the wishes of the Small Handed One who can pardon them again. Then there are the Executive Orders, the most outrageous of which is the one attempting to eliminate Birthright Citizenship. (beat) I am getting texts on breaking news…there are new Executive Orders just issued in the last hour…I am failing to comprehend what I am seeing…the first one…”I hereby declare that the inflation rate starting in February 2025 cannot not exceed the annual rate of three percent”….another one…”I hereby declare that that beginning in 2026, the annual global temperature will begin declining at the rate of one degree each year…” (beat) What the–

SHIVANSH

Has he lost his mind?

ISHAAN

I don’t get this next one. “It will now be illegal, punishable by up to a year in jail, to utter the word ‘couch’ and ‘JD Vance’ in the same sentence.

SHIVANSH

Oh, that’s the old joke about Vance and uh….

ISHAAN

Oh, yeah I remember now. Okay, let’s see…what else? Okay, so, well, of course, there was the directive on immigration but we know little about the what the effect of that will be, and, of course, we did not see the Mass Deportation and I did not see anything about Chicago yet. The other thing was the appearance of the billionaires including the Musaka, the sellout Zuckerburg snd the others…I wonder, though, did anyone see the Three-Shirted One anywhere? (pause) No one? Okay, maybe he only had one shirt on and no one recognized him. Oh, Tim Apple was there too and–
DIVA RITA
–I must interrupt…This…is…hard…to…believe…the Lord Krishna has entered the realm (long pause) He is going to speak through me. Lord Shiva, O Great One and The Embodiment of Love, why are we honored by your presence? (pause) “The evil vibrations from your sphere has awakened me to your plight. Whenever there is a gross decline in dharma and escalation of adharma, I appear Myself. (pause) I am the controller of all beings. I am birthless and eternal. Yet, I appear in the material world by the power of my energies. I appear in every millennium to protect the pious, to destroy the wicked, and to establish dharma again”. Wait, there’s more…”I am not affected by any action…Just understanding this Truth about Me will free one from karmic bondage or from the grip of the Rashasa, who is surely the human embodiment of Mara and all that is evil. Thus, you must trust in My power, the Cosmic Consciousness and the Unified Field. Just remember that you must, all of you must continue to follow the correct path and you shall be free. Do not fear. Don not anger. Do not doubt. Do this and you will be free. (long pause) I am about to leave you now but I will not abandon you. Love conquers all.”

DIVA RITA
One second there’s more. “Let others vent their anger on your various outlets you refer to as Social Media. Let others march and protest. This will likely only lead to more hate, more anger and more polarization. The only way to coumteract the Rashasa and all the Evil Doers is for all of you, and I see we now have over one million devotees, is for all of you to coordinate your meditative powers on a daily basis. The power of all this massive energy sent to the Unified Field will affect change. I don’t yet know how or when but it will happen. Trust me on this.

DIVA RITA

There you have it. The Word. Although the earthly actions of the Rashasa hardly seem relevant as they willy soon be reversed and nullified. For those who want to continue hearing more, Shivansh will take the floor.


SHIVANSH
I am so overwhelmed by gratitude. I can…hardly…speak. I will turn it back over to Ishaan .

ISHAAN

I, too, am in a state of bliss. And, But now we must focus on how to implement the directives of The Lord Shiava …I started to say “we must now get back to reality” except that the physical three-dimensional world, as we all know is the illusion, not the energy of the Quantum which is our True Reality.) Okay, well, the hour is late and most of you have to get up and go to work in the morning so…. We now know what the path is. Follow it. We will meet again soon. Check Slack tomorrow for the announcement. Namaste.
(FADE TO BLACK, THEN LIGHTS UP)

Wednesday 7 PM EDT January 22, 2025 Zoom Meeting

SHIVANSH

Well, here we are again, Lord Krishna willing, this meeting will be brief…I see that we are already getting over 100,000 particpants. We will give it a couple minutes before we begin. (pause) Again, questions and comments may be made via the chat feature and, assuming you read Ishaan’s announcement on Slack, you know that the Lord Shiva himself visited our sphere and is watching over us…okay, we will get started. Therefore, I will handed it over to ISHAAN who may have a brief prayer….Ishaan needs a minute…oh, on a lighter note I just found out, thanks to ChatGPT that Kara Swisher called Mark Zuckerburg a “sad, shameless weather vane” and a “mendacious fuck”. And, friends, if you are posting regularly on Facebook, please stop. Everyone I know who posts there present a totally inauthentic image of themselves and we know how important being authentic is vital to true self-awarenss. Okay…Ishaan is ready.

ISHAAN

The Plan I laid out on Slack today was to attempt to coordinate sending energy to the Unified Field on close to a 24 hour basis. We have over three million devotees and many in different time zones. The idea is to constantly flood the sphere with positive energy that will, as the Great Lord Krishna promised, affect change. I will continue to coordinate every day on Slack as more and more members commit to one hour of daily ritualand I will also propose at least two weekend events in which all will be asked to join in. Now, as far as the daily events. We know Enrique Tario and the Proud Boys are seeking retribution and such. It s truly disgraceful and sickening,but we must ignore all that, instead, focusing on sending energy to the unified field. Is everyone with me on this? I am seeing a flood of love and thumbs up icons! Looks like…we are all onboard. Simply check Slack daily to grab your time slots. Also, we will be reaching out to devotees to brainstorm ways that we can recruit new members. There are eight billion peoplemon this planet! I would think a goal of even 100 million is realistic. We will meet again on Zoom shortly, most likely the same time next Wednesday to report on our progress. Look for that announcement in Slack. Okay, if no one has anything, I will end this.


SHIVANSH

Excellent work, Ishaan…goodnight everyone.

ISHAAN

Goodnight Shivansh. Goodnight everyone. Krishna Sharanam Mama!

(blackout)


ISHAAN and SHIVANSH stand while wearing headsets and walkabout addressing different sections of the audieance)

(lights up, applause)
ISHAAN

Hello every one here at the center and on Zoom. My name is Ishaan (clears throat) AKA Seymour Rabinowitz (guffaws) First, I would like to thank The Y for fitting us in on such short notice as well as all the donors who made this possible. I also want to thank everyone on their participation this week on Slack. It seems that we are growing exponentially and we are now at 6 million members. That is double! With all the wonderful ideas on how to recruit new devotees, I truly believe that 100 million and even beyond is possible. I was surprised at how many of our members attend regular religious services. We have devotees who attend synagogues such as this one, as well as mosques, churches, you name it. All these folks are committed to recruit new members from their congregations. I just yesterday received an an official commitment from the International Society for Krishna Conconscious (ISKCON) and they will encourage all there over one million followers to participate. Before I become enlightened, I am enlightened you know. My wife might disagree with that appellation but I have to say that I used to see those guys at aiprorts and think they were weird…I was also surprised at how many Quaker devotees we have…although I guess I shouldn’t have been. With the help our Quaker friends (double entendre intended) we have received an endorsement from the American Friends Services Committee. Many of our Jewish members are now seeking cooperation from organizations like the Anti-Defamation League and B’nai B’rith.

Although we had been planning on organizing a weekend Mass Mediation, likely at least two to cater to different time zones, we are holding off doing that until next week as we will focus on recruitment and, of course, this will happen daily on Slack. It seems now that almost everyone is onboard with the power of Mass Meditation but someone in Slack reminded me of the Maharishi Effect named after Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the founder of Transcendental Meditation. While it’s challenging to definitively prove such phenomena due to the complexity of global events and numerous influencing variables, there were studies that as few as 4,000 of the Marahishi meditators influenced events in DC and Global Consciousness Project, based at Princeton University, discovered evidence that large-scale human consciousness may have influenced random number generators. indicating the reality of the Cosmic Consciousness. We can do this. Okay then uh… links to all the Zoom meetings will be pinned on Slack. So, what else? Shivansh? Anyone?

SHIVANSH

I just wanted to remind everyone that yes, we are ignoring all the noise out of DC for the most part. In a sense, it seems like things are getting worse, like the confirmation of the Mattaprasaka–that’s Drunken Director–of the Defense Department, then the firing of the watchdogs. But the push back from the left is growing and that will continue. But what is happening with the immigrants is truly heartbreaking. He says he wants to house 30,000 migrants at Gitmo but remember what Rachel says “watch what he does, not what he says.” (mild laughter) Then, of course, there was The Rashasa’s illegal order yesterday to freeze Federal Aid which he rescinded today. I used to call him Demented Donnie and every day, he seems to be getting worse. I just hope our Mass Meditation strategy works sooner rather than later but we must remember that the Unified Field works in mysterious ways. (laughter) Oh, I heard a comment today from Lauren Boebert who said that even her hand would get tired signing all those EOs! (scattered laughter) Then he stole a family’s crest and plans to use it for a commerative coin…can you put that up on the screen? So there on the left is The Rashasa’s on the left is the one he stole. Notice that he replaced the word veritas, of course, Latin for Truth with Trump! The other day he posted that Hezbollah was responsible for Jan Six. Hezbollah! This next one is the nuttiest of the nutty. Now he claims that Hamas is making bombs made out of condoms supplied by the US government. (laughter) We can laugh but he has access to the nuclear football! Finally, he claimed on Truth Social , already refuted by one of his aides, that US government troops entered California and turned the water back on…of course, it was never off! Then, there’s RFK, Jr! Don’t even get me started with… Oh! Looks like Diva Rita is here.

DIVA RITA(mockingly)

Sounds like Shivansh has been practicing his stand-up routine, yes? (laughter while SHIVANSH grins sheepishly). Great updates, Shivansh, but I must point out that our strategy is working. The outrage is tremendous and almost everthing that they try fails. And as shambolic as it is, we must resist letting it get under our skin. Not that we should ignore it completely. But we should have faith that what we are doing will make a difference. I shall close with a quote from The Bhagavad Gita: “O’ scion of Barata, slash your doubts with the sword of knowledge and stand up once again to fight equipped with yogic knowledge.” Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya!

SHIVANSH

I just got an update that RFK , Jr. told The Senate that the Dems were trying to silence him and claimed that likened himself to MLK and Galileo. So there, that’s all I have on the update front.

Ishaan
I want to thank everyone for coming tonight and especially the folks at The Y and all the loving folks who donated as well as all the members helping us to recruit new devotees. We will continue to update daily on Slack and set a time for the weekend Mass Meditaions that we had talked about and we will make Wednesdays at 7pm Eastern our weekly Zoom meeting time. So now, we have some time to take a few questions from the audience so–

SHIVANSH

–I must interupt you, Ishaan! But I am seeing breaking news on my laptop. This is stunning! Looks like a commercial jet trying to land at Reagan National collided with a Military Black Hawk helicopter…just a second, gimme a minute or two to get this right.


ISHAAN

A commercial jet colliding with a Black Hawk helicopter? I did not have this on my bingo card. (uneasy laughter) No, sorry, I didn’t mean to be funny. This sounds tragic. I don’t know if we should go on with the questions or uh…I will leave it up to you guys…everyone in favor of continuing with the questions, please react with a thumbs up emoticon (pause) okay…we are seeing a smattering…I’ll give it a few more seconds. Okay, a relative few. Now, everyone who wants to cancel the Q and A, react with a Heart emoticon. Now, we are getting flooded so looks like the Hearts have it. I will send it back to Shivansh if he’s ready.

SHIVANSH (while looking at his laptop)

Oh my, this is truly horrible. They are showing the with –now confirmed to be a US Army Blackhawk Sikorsky H-60 and the American Airlines Bombardier CRJ700 regional jet with 63 passengers and crew aboard colliding while the plane was about to land. Of course, they are dispatching all available first-responders to look for survivors in the frigid waters of The Potomac but this looks pretty grim. Can we put this video on the screen? (Video plays while audience gasps.) I am speechless now. I wonder if I have a prayer that we can recite for those how have obviously perished.. Give me a second. (beat) Please repeat after me.

O Supreme Lord may the departed soul find peace in Your divine embrace.

May their journey beyond be filled with light, and may their soul attain liberation.

Grant us strength to accept this loss and remember them with love and gratitude.

Then with me repeat three times this Hindu mantra for peace which is Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti…

ISHAAN and AUDIence

Om, Shanti, Shanti, Shanti…Om Shanti, Shanti…Om, Shant, Shanti

ISHAAN
Bhagavān Kṛiṣhṇatvāṁ śāśvataṁ śāntiṁ dadātu…Goodnight, everyone

(fade to black)

NEXT SCENE ZOOM Meeting 2/5 at the Y

ISHAAN

Looks like we have standing room only crowd tonight. I want to thank everyone for coming, as well as the folks at the center. I believe we are honored with presence of The Exalted One! he Diva Rita.

DIVA RITA

Jaya Shri Krishna! From The Dhammapada. “The false accuser goes to hell; also one who having done wrong cries out (beat) Fake News! (laughter) The wicked will be reborn in hell because of their evil deeds. The Buddha is wise indeed and occasionally knows how to deliver a punch line!

Ishaan tells me that we now have almost 15 million followers. Thus, I would like to suggest a couple of, how would you say in America? Go to or default mantras for our meditations. First, of course, we should pray for peace, Om Shanti, Shant, Shanti. Then there’s one asking the Divine to protect those who stand for truth: Agne Tvaṁ Pāhi Naḥ Satyān. Next is Om Tat Sat meaning “Awareness embraces eternal truth.” Finally, my loyal and trusted servants, as you are trusted, each facilitator may choose whatever mantra feels appropriate. Bhagavān Krishna tvāṁ śāśvataṁ śāntiṁ dadātu.

ISHAAN

Most Holy and Benevolent. Of course, we will follow your lead. Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya! So yes, we have much business to attend to but first, let’s start with a short prayer, followed by a moment of silence for all those suffering from the foolish, selfish and evil acts of The Orange Rashasa.
May all beings be happy. May all be free from illness.
May all see what is auspicious. May no one suffer.
Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.

Thank you. I have a slew of great news but I don’t know where to begin. First, is that our memberhsip has grown, thanks to all the work of thousands of our faithful devoteeshave done , to over 15 million at last count and will likely continue to increase exponentially as…are you ready for this? (crowd murmurs with anticipation) The great spiritual leader Deepak Chopra has volunteered to help us our Spiritual Advisor and will promote us on his website and might even lead us in meditations in the future! He has numerous websites, YouTube channels, is on Twitter, and also is on Bluesky. I am astoundedthat he only has 1.7 thousand followers there, so far. Although we disocurage the addictive use of Social Media, we do encourage everyone to use those platforms to promote and fund raise, which many of our younger members do on Tik-Tok especially. So I would encourage everyone to follow Dr. Chopra. His handle is @deepakchopra.bsky.social. As well, although we don’t organize marches, we do encourage members to participate in peacefully protest of any kind. I believe Shivansh has more on that?

SHIVANSH
Oh yes, in fact, it looks like tens of thousands of our members participated from what I saw on Slack and still hundreds of folks are continuing to recruit, we are growing at an incredible rate, now approaching 25 million members! Millions are participating in the daily and weekly meditations (mention times) and it appears that The Resistance is growing and I can’t help but think the meditative energy sent to the Unifield Field is contributing to that. I hate to even regurgitate the venom coming out of the Small Handed One’s piehole, not to mention the Musaka, The Muskrat, but many of you said they like the updates, so I will do so.
ISHAAN

Most of you don’t know that “in another life” (exagerrated quotes gesture) Shivansh was an Investigative Report for the Wall Street Journal! (audience mixed reaction) Yes, Rupert Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal!
SHIVANSH
So Ham! I feel like I have just been outed. Sarvam Khalvidam Brahman. So… it’s been another insane week and I am glad to keep up with this so the rest of you don’t have to.The nuttiest thing is The Small Handed One wanting to turn Gaza in the The Mar-a-Lago-of-the-East, which, of course, is DOA. But I have a scoop on this the Rashasa and the Musaka ( Muskrat ) have contacted the producers of The White Lotus, now this is really nuts, and said if they are willing to shoot Season Four at the new Clud Med style Mar-a-Lago of the Middle East, that not only will they cover all the expenses of the filming but they will pick up the entire cost of the entire four season, including promotion. No worCAST OF CHARACTERS

DIVA RITA

A Hindu goddess who has taken a human body in an attempt to save humankind. (Note that “diva” in Italian means goddess not an opera singer)

ISHAAN (adopted Sanskrit name meaning “”the rising sun” and associated with the Hindu god Shiva) A follower of the Diva Rita.

SHIVANSH (adopted Sanskrit name meaning “part of Lord Shiva”) One of Diva Rita’s most trusted followers
THE LORD KRISHNA is a character but doesn’t appear visually as he speaks through DIVA RITA

Time: Just before the inauguration 2025

Place: The Unified Field

SCENE ONE

DIVA RITA
Ishaan , I have been told by Haridasa, my trusted servant, that you have often vented your anger and bitterness in the Sky of Blue and in the Book of Face, is this true, my faithful warrior son?

ISHAAN (shamefully)
It is indeed true, O Holy One.

DIVA RITA
O my foolish son, and to all my brave sons and daughters who join us in the fight for peace and freedom for all humankind, do you not know that your heedlessness will cause nothing but anguish and sorrow?

ISHAAN
I always try to follow your path, Exalted One, but do you not know of the terror that is about to befall us at the hands of The Evil One, The Orange Kutil Rashasa?  

DIVA RITA
Yes, my son, of all the gods and goddesses in the entire realm, I know this well, but were you not taught that your anger and bitterness toward this being you call the Orange Deceitful Satan does nothing but dissuade you from the fight for freedom? Do you not know that only love and clear intent can defeat the lust and greed of these evil men?

ISHAAN

Yes, my heart knows this to be true, but my mind cannot dispel the worry and the dread over the evil we are about to suffer.

DIVA RITA

Ishaan, you must know that not living in the present moment is not right action,  remember the words of The Buddha,  “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” (beat) Ishaan, you have been anointed to take up the cause against Evil but you cannot do so with such clutter in your mind.

ISHAAN (resigned)

Then what shall I do, Most Wise and Holy One?

DIVA RITA

You must leave the comfort of your warm abode and go now to the Mountain of Enlightenment, scale it, all the way to the summit, to the Rock of the Spirit. You will then enter the Cave of Redemption. There, you will meditate alone until the rise and the fall of two full moons.

ISHAAN
I will do thus, Pure One.

DIVA RITA

Then go now in Peace, my warrior son’
(blackout)

SCENE TWO

DIVA RITA

For what purpose do you seek my counsel, my dear Shivansh?

SHIVANSH

O Exalted One, I come to you with a troubled mind. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. Tomorrow is the day that for so long we dreaded. A day that may indeed live in infamy. The day The Rashasa begins his rule. I fear all will be lost, and for me, to make matters worse, a mere shift in the wind may cause me to lose my home and everything I worked for and the Rashasa will not raise one finger in his very small hands to help us.

DIVA RITA

Shivansh! The Small Handed One rules no one! (beat) But yes, Shivansh, the fires do trouble me greatly as well, but you are one of my most faithful servants and confidantes, and you must stay strong in the face of adversity. You are safe. You are well. Stay safe and know that what does not kill you can only make you stronger and you, of all my faithful warriors must rise above it.

SHIVANSH

Yes, I know I should not be so selfish, as even if the worse fate befalls me, I will suffer less than many of my brethren, all the dreamers and all of those who have come here to build a better life for themselves. What is to become of them? (beat) My only hope is that the Lobhi Musaka, (Evil Muskrat) will know that these actions will cause great harm to the economy. Perhaps, their greed will overcome the venom they hold in their hearts for my brethren who I cherish so dearly.

DIVA RITA

Yes, as you know, many thousands of us have prayed and meditated over this, hoping somehow our gods will instill in them some small sense of empathy or, perhaps even, appealing to the greed of the Evil Muskrat and his cohorts, they do not act in their own selfish interest and, instead, they decide to put an end to this madness. But we do not know what the future will bring, we have done what we can for now, this is how many of us have attained perfection. By action without attachment to results. You should also set an example for others to follow by your proper actions.


SHIVANSH

O you are so wise Exalted One. I will do as you say.

DIVA RITA

Yes, my son, continue to pray and meditate and remember to send out a reminder to our thousands of Warriors for Peace  that tomorrow is Day of Fast and all those who are not bound by earthly duties, must pray and meditate beginning when the clock strikes noon  in the East and they should continue as long as they are able. up to the hour of six o’clock. At midnight, we will all gather for a meeting to discuss our plans. I will meditate and pray that the winds diminish, and that he fires subside but do not fear the words of the Small Handed One and remember the words of the Seer Rachel: Watch what he does, not what he says.

SCENE 3

Zoom Meeting January 22, 2025

DIVA RITA

Hello, all my trusted and faithful servants. The clock not yet reached midnight and already we have over 200,000 participants, we may set and all time record. In a few minutes, I will turn it over to my trusted servant Shivansh to faclitate. (12 chimes of the meditation bell begin) After some brief comments by Shivansh, we will allow all to participate by entering questions in chat. (12th bell chimes) Let us have a full minute of silence to ask the gods to forgive the Small Handed One for all of his acts on this terrible day. (pause) Yes, this truly has been a tumultuous day, but I hope everyone is staying in the present and not allowing The Rashasa to live rent free in their brains. Oh my! We are still getting hundreds more joining in, but I will turn it over now to Shivansh after this brief prayer.
The soul being superior, it can control the material senses, mind and intelligence. 0 mighty armed Arjuna, use spiritual power to destroy the enemy and their lust and greed. Namaste.
SHIVANSH
Greetings all Warriors for Peace. After some brief comments, I will entertain questions. Some of you have questioned the tactic of affecting change through meditation alone. But these concerns reveal the ignorance of those who do not understand the Power of the Quantum Field. It has been documented by many such as the great visionary Deepak Chopra that thousands have reversed all manner of disease by thought and meditation alone. Although it cannot be proven, there is evidence that meditation, when thousands participate, has influenced world events. Trust in the leadership of The Anointed One, The Diva Rita. Finally, on a personal note–and I should preface this what The Buddha says–“The mindful ones exert themselves. They are not attached to any home: like swans that abandon the lake, they leave home after home behind.” So, call me a hypocrite but a lot of you know I live in L:A in the fire zone… in La Salle but it now appears that my house is safe. Jai Mata Di. (Victory to the Mother Goddess) Already, we are getting hundreds of questions, we have people sorting those out for the most relevant, so let’s check in with my assistant, wait, it’s you? What? How? I thought you were at the–

ISHMAAN

—Cave of Redemption. I was, but after all the Trump pardons and commutations, Diva Rita thought that she should to commute my sentence as well, so here I am.

SHIVANSH
So great to see you my loyal and trusted servant. Jai Shri Krishna!

ISHAAN

Hare Krishna! (beat) So, we are getting a lot of angry comments about the pardons and Executive Orders, and some are expressing frustration and even doubt about what we can and will do to counteract all of this.

SHIVANSH

Friends, we must resist anger and doubt, only Love and Correct Action will defeat the Evil Doers. Shivansh are you able to update those who were otherwise occupied praying and meditating while all these horrible actions occurred?

ISHAAN

Yes, it’s a lot. Most regretful, perhaps are the—

SHIVANSH

–Sorry to interupt but The Diva Rita is joining us…

DIVA RITA

Govinda jai jai! I am feeling a strong presence entering my field, it may be…oh just one moment…allow Ishaan to proceed…

ISHAAN

So yes, most disturbing is the pardon of all 1400 of the January 6th insurrections and commutations of the sentences of 14 others including the leader of the Proud Boys. These Evil Doers may now be unleashed as vigilantes to carry out the wishes of the Small Handed One who can pardon them again. Then there are the Executive Orders, the most outrageous of which is the one attempting to eliminate Birthright Citizenship. (beat) I am getting texts on breaking news…there are new Executive Orders just issued in the last hour…I am failing to comprehend what I am seeing…the first one…”I hereby declare that the inflation rate starting in February 2025 cannot not exceed the annual rate of three percent”….another one…”I hereby declare that that beginning in 2026, the annual global temperature will begin declining at the rate of one degree each year…” (beat) What the–

SHIVANSH

Has he lost his mind?

ISHAAN

I don’t get this next one. “It will now be illegal, punishable by up to a year in jail, to utter the word ‘couch’ and ‘JD Vance’ in the same sentence.

SHIVANSH                                                                                                                                                          Oh, that’s the old joke about Vance and uh….

ISHAAN                                                                                                                                                                Oh, yeah I remember now. Okay, let’s see…what else? Okay, so, well, of course, there a lot on immigration but we know little about the what the effect of that will be, and, of course, we did not see the Mass Deportation yet. The other thing was the appearance of the billionaires including the Musaka, the sellout Zuckerburg and the others…I wonder, though, did anyone see the Three-Shirted One anywhere? (pause) No one? Okay, maybe he only had one shirt on and no one recognized him. Oh, Tim Apple was there too and–
DIVA RITA
–I must interrupt…This…is…hard…to…believe…the Lord Krishna has entered the realm (long pause) He is going to speak through me. Lord Shiva, O Great One and The Embodiment of Love, why are we honored by your presence? (pause) “The evil vibrations from your sphere has awakened me to your plight. Whenever there is a gross decline in dharma and escalation of adharma, I appear Myself. (pause) I am the controller of all beings. I am birthless and eternal. Yet, I appear in the material world by the power of my energies. I appear in every millennium to protect the pious, to destroy the wicked, and to establish dharma again”. Wait, there’s more…”I am not affected by any action…Just understanding this Truth about Me will free one from karmic bondage or from the grip of the Rashasa, who is surely the human embodiment of Mara and all that is evil. Thus, you must trust in My power, the Cosmic Consciousness and the Unified Field. Just remember that you must, all of you must continue to follow the correct path and you shall be free. Do not fear. Do not anger. Do not doubt. Do this and you will be free. (long pause) I am about to leave you now but I will not abandon you. Love conquers all.”

DIVA RITA
One second there’s more. “Let others vent their anger on your various outlets you refer to as Social Media. Let others march and protest. This will likely only lead to more hate, more anger and more polarization. The only way to counteract the Rashasa and all the Evil Doers is for all of you, and I see we now have over one million devotees, is for all of you to coordinate your meditative powers on a daily basis. The power of all this massive energy sent to the Unified Field will affect change. I don’t yet know how or when but it will happen. Trust me on this.

DIVA RITA                                                                                                                                                              There you have it. The Word. Although the earthly actions of the Rashasa hardly seem relevant as they will soon be reversed and nullified. For those who want to continue hearing more, Shivansh will take the floor.


SHIVANSH
I am so overwhelmed by gratitude. I can…hardly…speak. I will turn it back over to Ishaan .

ISHAAN

I, too, am in a state of bliss. But now we must focus on how to implement the directives of The Lord Krishna…I started to say “we must now get back to reality” except that—as we all know— the physical three-dimensional world is the illusion and the energy of the Cosmos is the  True Reality. Okay, well, the hour is late and most of you have to get up and go to work in the morning so…. We now know what the path is. Follow it. We will meet again soon. Check Slack tomorrow for the announcement. Namaste.
(FADE TO BLACK, THEN LIGHTS UP)

Wednesday 7 PM EDT January 29, 2025 Zoom Meeting

SHIVANSH

Well, here we are again, Lord Krishna willing, this meeting will be brief…I see that we are already getting over 100,000 particpants. We will give it a couple minutes before we begin. (pause) Again, questions and comments may be made via the chat feature and, assuming you read Ishaan’s announcement on Slack, you know that the Lord Shiva himself visited our sphere and is watching over us…okay, we will get started. Therefore, I will handed it over to ISHAAN who may have a brief prayer….Ishaan needs a minute…oh, on a lighter note I just found out, thanks to ChatGPT that Kara Swisher called Mark Zuckerburg a “sad, shameless weather vane” and a “mendacious fuck”. And, friends, if you are posting regularly on Facebook, please stop. Everyone I know who posts there present a totally inauthentic image of themselves and we know how important being authentic is vital to true self-awarenss. Okay…Ishaan is ready.

ISHAAN

The Plan I laid out on Slack today was to attempt to coordinate sending energy to the Unified Field on close to a 24 hour basis. We have over three million devotees and many in different time zones. The idea is to constantly flood the sphere with positive energy that will, as the Great Lord Krishna promised, affect change. I will continue to coordinate every day on Slack as more and more members commit to one hour of daily ritual and I will also propose at least two weekend events in which all will be asked to join in. Now, as far as the daily events. We know Enrique Tario and the Proud Boys are seeking retribution and such. It s truly disgraceful and sickening,but we must ignore all that, instead, focusing on sending energy to the unified field. Is everyone with me on this? I am seeing a flood of love and thumbs up icons! Looks like…we are all onboard. Simply check Slack daily to grab your time slots. Also, we will be reaching out to devotees to brainstorm ways that we can recruit new members. There are eight billion people on this planet! I would think a goal of even 100 million is realistic. We will meet again on Zoom shortly, probably the same time next Wednesday to report on our progress. Look for that announcement in Slack. Okay, if no one has anything, I will end this.


SHIVANSH

Excellent work, Ishaan…goodnight everyone.

ISHAAN

Goodnight Shivansh. Goodnight everyone. Krishna Sharanam Mama!

(blackout)

ZOOM MEETING AT THE Y
ISHAAN and SHIVANSH stand while wearing headsets and walkabout addressing different sections of the audience)

(lights up, applause)
ISHAAN

Hello everyone here at the center and on Zoom. My name is Ishaan (clears throat) AKA Seymour Rabinowitz (guffaws) First, I would like to thank The Y for fitting us in on such short notice as well as all the donors who made this possible. I also want to thank everyone on their participation this week on Slack. It seems that we are growing exponentially, and we are now at 6 million members. That is double! With all the wonderful ideas on how to recruit new devotees, I truly believe that 100 million and even beyond is possible. I was surprised at how many of our members attend regular religious services. We have devotees who attend synagogues as well as mosques, churches, you name it. All these folks are committed to recruit new members from their congregations. I just yesterday received an an official commitment from the International Society for Krishna Conconscious (ISKCON) and they will encourage all there over one million followers to participate. Before I become enlightened, I am enlightened you know. My wife might disagree with that appellation, but I have to say that I used to see those guys at aiprorts and think they were weird…I was also surprised at how many Quaker devotees we have…although I guess I shouldn’t have been. With the help our Quaker friends (double entendre intended) we have received an endorsement from the American Friends Services Committee. Many of our Jewish members are now seeking cooperation from organizations like the Anti-Defamation League and B’nai B’rith.

Although we had been planning on organizing a weekend Mass Mediation likely at least two to cater to different time zones, we are holding off doing that until next week as we will focus on recruitment and, of course, this will happen daily on Slack. It seems now that almost everyone is onboard with the power of Mass Meditation but someone in Slack reminded me of the Maharishi Effect named after Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the founder of Transcendental Meditation. While it’s challenging to definitively prove such phenomena due to the complexity of global events and numerous influencing variables, there were studies that as few as 4,000 of the Marahishi meditators influenced events in DC and the Global Consciousness Project, based at Princeton University, discovered evidence that large-scale human consciousness may have influenced random number generators. indicating the reality of the Cosmic Consciousness. We can do this. Okay then uh… links to all the Zoom meetings will be pinned on Slack. So, what else? Shivansh? Anyone?

SHIVANSH

I just wanted to remind everyone that yes, we are ignoring all the noise out of DC for the most part. In a sense, it seems like things are getting worse, like the confirmation of the Mattaprasaka–that’s Drunken Director–of the Defense Department, then the firing of the watchdogs. But the push back from the left is growing and that will continue. But what is happening with the immigrants is truly heartbreaking. He says he wants to house 30,000 migrants at Gitmo but remember what Rachel says “watch what he does, not what he says.” (mild laughter) Then, of course, there was The Rashasa’s illegal order yesterday to freeze Federal Aid which he rescinded today. I used to call him Demented Donnie and every day, he seems to be getting worse. I just hope our Mass Meditation strategy works sooner rather than later but we must remember that the Unified Field works in mysterious ways. (laughter) Oh, I heard a comment today from Lauren Boebert who said that even her hand would get tired signing all those EOs! (scattered laughter) Then he stole a family’s crest and plans to use it for a commerative coin…can you put that up on the screen? So there on the left is The Rashasa’s on the left is the one he stole. Notice that he replaced the word veritas, of course, Latin for Truth with Trump! The other day he posted that Hezbollah was responsible for Jan Six. Hezbollah! This next one is the nuttiest of the nutty. Now he claims that Hamas is making bombs made out of condoms supplied by the US government. (laughter) We can laugh but he has access to the nuclear football! Finally, he claimed on Truth Social , already refuted by one of his aides, that US government troops entered California and turned the water back on…of course, it was never off! Then, there’s RFK, Jr! Don’t even get me started with… Oh! Looks like Diva Rita is here.

DIVA RITA(mockingly)

Sounds like Shivansh has been practicing his stand-up routine, yes? (laughter while SHIVANSH grins sheepishly). Great updates, Shivansh, but I must point out that our strategy is working. The outrage is tremendous and almost everything that they try fails. And as shambolic as it is, we must resist letting it get under our skin. Not that we should ignore it completely. But we should have faith that what we are doing will make a difference. I shall close with a quote from The Bhagavad Gita: “O’ scion of Barata, slash your doubts with the sword of knowledge and stand up once again to fight equipped with yogic knowledge.” Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya!

SHIVANSH

I just got an update that RFK , Jr. told The Senate that the Dems were trying to silence him and claimed that likened himself to MLK and Galileo. So there, that’s all I have on the update front.

Ishaan
I want to thank everyone for coming tonight and especially the folks at The Y and all the loving folks who donated as well as all the members helping us to recruit new devotees. We will continue to update daily on Slack and set a time for the weekend Mass Meditations that we had talked about and we will make Wednesdays at 7pm Eastern our weekly Zoom meeting time. So now, we have some time to take a few questions from the audience so–

SHIVANSH

–I must interupt you, Ishaan! But I am seeing breaking news on my laptop. This is stunning! Looks like a commercial jet trying to land at Reagan National collided with a Military Black Hawk helicopter…just a second, gimme a minute or two to get this right.


ISHAAN

A commercial jet colliding with a Black Hawk helicopter? I did not have this on my bingo card. (uneasy laughter) No, sorry, I didn’t mean to be funny. This sounds tragic. I don’t know if we should go on with the questions or uh…I will leave it up to you guys…everyone in favor of continuing with the questions, please react with a thumbs up emoticon (pause) okay…we are seeing a smattering…I’ll give it a few more seconds. Okay, a relative few. Now, everyone who wants to cancel the Q and A, react with a Heart emoticon. Now, we are getting flooded so looks like the Hearts have it. I will send it back to Shivansh if he’s ready[NA1] .

SHIVANSH (while looking at his laptop)

Oh my, this is truly horrible. They are showing the with –now confirmed to be a US Army Blackhawk Sikorsky H-60 and the American Airlines Bombardier CRJ700 regional jet with 63 passengers and crew aboard colliding while the plane was about to land. Of course, they are dispatching all available first-responders to look for survivors in the frigid waters of The Potomac but this looks pretty grim. Can we put this video on the screen? (Video plays while audience gasps.) I am speechless now. I wonder if I have a prayer that we can recite for those how have obviously perished.. Give me a second. (beat) Please repeat after me.

O Supreme Lord may the departed soul find peace in Your divine embrace.

May their journey beyond be filled with light, and may their soul attain liberation.

Grant us strength to accept this loss and remember them with love and gratitude.

Then with me repeat three times this Hindu mantra for peace which is Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti…

ISHAAN and AUDIence

Om, Shanti, Shanti, Shanti…Om Shanti, Shanti…Om, Shant, Shanti

ISHAAN
Bhagavān Kṛiṣhṇatvāṁ śāśvataṁ śāntiṁ dadātu…Goodnight, everyone

(fade to black)

NEXT SCENE ZOOM Meeting 2/5 at the Y

ISHAAN

Looks like we have standing room only crowd tonight. I want to thank everyone for coming, as well as the folks at the center. I believe we are honored with presence of The Exalted One! he Diva Rita.

DIVA RITA

Jaya Shri Krishna! From The Dhammapada. “The false accuser goes to hell; also one who having done wrong cries out Fake News! (laughter) The wicked will be reborn in hell because of their evil deeds.” The Buddha is wise indeed and occasionally knows how to deliver a punch line!

Ishaan tells me that we now have almost 15 million followers. Thus, I would like to suggest a couple of, how would you say in America? Go to or default mantras for our meditations. First, of course, we should pray for peace, Om Shanti, Shant, Shanti. Then there’s one asking the Divine to protect those who stand for truth: Agne Tvaṁ Pāhi Naḥ Satyān. Next is Om Tat Sat meaning “Awareness embraces eternal truth.” Finally, each facilitator may choose whatever mantra feels appropriate. Bhagavān Krishna tvāṁ śāśvataṁ śāntiṁ dadātu.

ISHAAN

Most Holy and Benevolent One. Of course, we will follow your lead. Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya! So yes, we have much business to attend to but first, let’s start with a short prayer, followed by a moment of silence for all those suffering from the foolish, selfish and evil acts of The Orange Rashasa.
May all beings be happy. May all be free from illness.
May all see what is auspicious. May no one suffer.
Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.

Thank you. I have a slew of great news but I don’t know where to begin. First, is that our membership has grown to over 15 million at last count and will likely continue to increase exponentially as…are you ready for this? (crowd murmurs with anticipation) The great spiritual leader Deepak Chopra has volunteered to help us as our Spiritual Advisor and will promote us on his website and might even lead us in meditations in the future! He has numerous websites, YouTube channels, is on Twitter, and also on Bluesky, or as the Diva calls it the Sky of Blue.  Although we discourage the addictive use of Social Media, we do encourage everyone to use those platforms to promote and fund raise, which many of our younger members do on Tik-Tok especially. So I would encourage everyone to become a follower of  Dr. Chopra. His handle is @deepakchopra.bsky.social. As well, although we don’t organize marches, we do encourage members to participate in peaceful protest of any kind. I believe Shivansh has more on that?

SHIVANSH
Oh yes, in fact, it looks like tens of thousands of our members participated from what I saw on Slack and still hundreds of folks are continuing to recruit, we are growing at an incredible rate, now approaching 25 million members! Millions are participating in the daily and weekly meditations (mention times) and it appears that The Resistance is growing and I can’t help but think the meditative energy sent to the Unified Field is contributing to that. I hate to even regurgitate the venom coming out of the Small Handed One’s piehole, not to mention the Musaka, The Muskrat, but many of you said they like the updates, so I will do so.


ISHAAN                                                                                                                                     Most of you don’t know that “in another life” (exaggerated quotes gesture) Shivansh was an Investigative Report for the Wall Street Journal! (audience mixed reaction) Yes, Rupert Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal!


SHIVANSH
 I feel like I have just been outed. Sarvam Khalvidam Brahman. So… it’s been another insane week and I am glad to keep up with this so the rest of you don’t have to. The nuttiest thing is The Small Handed One wants to turn Gaza into the The Mar-a-Lago-of-the-East, which, of course, is DOA. But I have a scoop on this, the Rashasa and the Musaka have contacted the producers of The White Lotus, now this is really nuts, and said if they are willing to shoot Season Four at the new Club Med style Mar-a-Lago of the Middle East, that not only will they cover all the expenses of the filming but they will pick up the entire cost of the entire four season, including promotion. No word yet what Mike White’s reaction to such nonsense was but we can only imagine! (add more stuff later)

Zoom Meeting (several weeks later)

ISHAAN

Well, it’s been an even crazier couple weeks since we last met and even crazier with the tariffs and all of that. Shivansh is back and I am sure he’ll have his usual updates but the big news is that thanks to the generous support of the Deepak Chopra Foundation, Shivansh has been traveling all over the world visiting orgs to recruit new members and I can now report, we have almost reached our goal of 100 million members worldwide! And last Sunday, we estimate we had approximately 77 million members meditating and it’s obviously working!  2026 still seems so far away but it’s clear that the Dems will take the House and be able to block this craziness. Unfortunately, a lot of folks will suffer in the meantime

Note that this will be the last meeting until it fast forwards to 2028. This meeting will take place after the first 100 days. I hope to make it funny depicting the acts of Donnie Demento…. Today, they announced tariffs with China have been cut back to 30% and stocks are rallying.(The gallery view of hundreds of faces fills the screen. Boxes flicker. Some are upside down, some muted, some eating loudly. Rita sits center frame, looking serene but glazed. A soft shimmer comes over her. She speaks in Krishna’s voice.)

KRISHNA (through Rita):
Beloveds… your meditations are working. But the signal… is weak. (beat) I will leave you with only two words.

(Everyone leans forward, holding their breath. Pause. Then—)

KRISHNA (through Rita):
Jeffrey. Epstein.

(A stunned silence. Then chaos breaks out—voices overlapping in a comedic cacophony.)

VOICES:
—That’s old news!
—Conspiracy theory nonsense!
—Wait, I’m seeing something on Twitter—
—Look at these pictures! Is that Trump with Ghislaine?
—Oh my god, he actually said that?
—It’s trending again! Hashtag Epstein Resurrection!

(Rita suddenly jerks, back in her own voice, blinking.)

RITA:
What? Did I miss something? I just blacked out. And why is everyone screaming “Epstein” at me? I don’t even like conspiracy documentaries.

(The crowd panics, some chanting “Krishna! Krishna! Reconnect!” while others bang gongs, light incense, and clap like they’re rebooting a Wi-Fi router. The screen glitches: frozen faces, echoing “Krishhhhh-naaaa.” Then silence.)

SOMEONE (off-screen):
Wait… isn’t Esther Perez on this call? Maybe she can… you know… dial up Abraham?

(Gasps. Spotlight on Esther Perez, who tilts her camera just right, takes a deep breath, and closes her eyes.)

ESTHER (as Abraham):
We are Abraham. It is nice to visit with you again. We speak to you now. You are creators of your own vibration.

(The crowd hushes, mesmerized.)

ESTHER (as Abraham):
If you want justice, you must align with justice. Do not chase evidence. Evidence will flow… when you vibrate at the frequency of evidence. All will be revealed. (beat) But for now (long pause)

(Awed murmurs: “So true.” “Yes, yes.” Someone scribbles notes furiously. Meanwhile, another groans—)

DISILLUSIONED PARTICIPANT:
Oh, for God’s sake, the guy literally said Jeffrey Epstein! Maybe check your damn phones instead of vibrating at ‘evidence frequency’!

Esther as esther: I seem to be losing them. Please everyone, help me will them back…resumes deep breathing

(BLACKOUT.)


 [NA1]I may either cut this or cut it back at least as it doesn’t seem as relevant now.d yet what the producers answer was. (next EO on Canada and Greenland.








[1][1] Hindi/Sanskrit meaning deceitful Satan

Fells Point: The Bondage Murder Mistress

Close to final draft

                                           Cast of Characters

KENNERLY, mid-thirties

MYSTERY WOMAN, late twenties or early thirties, attractive

MARK (bartender, Fells Point Hotel)

LEVINE, man, mid-thirties,

PETERSON, man, African-American, late thirties

DANNY bartender Mount Vernon Inn

KATE HANFORD, woman, early thirties

MAID

CHRISTOPHER man, early-mid twenties

SHANAHAN

BILL LA Bartender

TIME: 1979 with flashbacks

PLACE: Baltimore

PRODUCTION NOTES  All the songs at the beginning of scenes are suggestive but if used, rights must be obtained.

                                         Scene 1 A Hot Night in September 79

(SETTING Baltimore Police Fells Point homicide office PETERSON pours coffee TV The O’s won again last night bolstering their 1979 hopes of yet another championship season, we’ll be right back with an interview with Mike Flanagan, the winning pitcher while a Mister Ray Hair Weave commercial plays, KATE HANFORD erases a name in red on the whiteboard and replaces it with the same name in black then she exits

LEVINE (staring at the whiteboard)

Wait, uh what happened to the chalkboard and how did Kate erase a Magic Marker with her finger?

PETERSON

It’s been replaced with a whiteboard and those aren’t Magic Markers, those are dry markers.

LEVINE

Dry markers?

PETERSON

Water based so you can erase them with a cloth or even a—

LEVINE

–So, if they are water based why do they call them dry markers and when did they—

PETERSON

–Well, actually the technology was invented in 1958 by the Japanese but a US company just started importing them, the markers and the boards, a couple years ago…and the really good thing is that since the markers are water based, you can’t get high sniffing them!

LEVINE

Not my thing but I might just have to take it up… or something, all that red up there looks even worse on a WHITEBOARD! 

PETERSON

And, sadly, my friend, your name being next to Hanford with all her black makes you look even worse.

LEVINE

So why me? Why do I get all the unsolvable cases? Kate gets all the slam dunks—

     PETERSON

Dunkers!

  LEVINE

Dunkers?

    PETERSON

Dunkers! She gets all the dunkers!

   LEVINE

Isn’t that a religious sect? Pennsylvania Dutch?

   PETERSON

Yeah, I think that too but that is what we call the easy cases, dunkers.

     LEVINE

Hmmm maybe that is why she always brings in her coffee from that new place Dunkin’ Donuts you know in Highlandtown instead of drinking this battery acid. (while pouring another cup from the coffeemaker) Anyway, everything she touches turns to gol— or a uh dunker…and every time I answer the phone all I get—

   PETERSON

 (Face in the Baltimore Sun then puts the paper down)

Stop whining, it’s like baseball, sometimes everything you hit hard gets caught. Other times, your pop ups turn into doubles. It’ll turn around. Hey! Murray hit another one out last night, he stays hot and we got a chance this year. Finally! 

                                           LEVINE                                                                         

So, we won? Or should I say the Orioles won, I am still a Yankees fan—

  PETERSON

You can take the boy out of the city but—

 LEVINE

Yeah, yeah well maybe one day, I do love this town. (beat) As long as you have the Earl of Baltimore you will have a shot.

PETERSON

Someday the man will be in the Hall. Well, Boog needs to start hitting… but the pitching? This guy Flanagan is turning into another Palmer. Pitching. Defense. And three run homers (beat) so have you gotten anything from Ocean City yet on this latest Bondage Murder?

                                          LEVINE

Nothing. OCPD said they would teletype the report soon, WBAL just confirmed that it’s the same M.O. Middle-aged man found dead, naked, mouth duct taped and handcuffed and tied to his bed.

PETERSON

Oh, my God. Looks like the Bondage Mistress has finally struck again. What has it been like eight months now?

                                        LEVINE

More like seven. I’m only glad this one is in Ocean City and not here.

PETERSON

What do you have on the two in the city and the other…the one in, where was it, the Towson Towne Inn? And you still got nothing?

    LEVINE

We got nothing, absolutely nothing. No useful prints. None. All we got is that the victims are all men in their late thirties or forties. All of em throwing around wads of cash. They all have alcohol  in their blood as well as ricin—

PETERSON

–Rice and beans? I had that for lunch. Should I go the ER?

LEVINE

Okay DIRK, no time for your quipsterisms. I am sure that you know what ricin is, seeing that you read The Sun back to front. The ME was telling me there was an international incident just last week. This is James Bond type stuff, supposedly this Russian dissident was stabbed on The London Bridge by a man using a weapon built into an umbrella that injected a small amount of the poison into this guy’s leg.[1] He died two days later….anyway all of four of these guys were handcuffed, with their mouths duct-taped and naked. Oh, but the one at the Holiday Inn[2]…they found Quaaludes and this one in Ocean City? They found alcohol, ricin and pot. All of the victims had been seen drinking at the hotel bar. All of ‘em were robbed…And they were all briefly spotted with women but no one witnessed them leaving the bar together.

                                                                                           (KATE HANFORD enters)

         PETERSON

Did anyone get a make on these broads?

                                             KATE HANFORD

Hey DIRK! Would you stop calling women broads?

                                         LEVINE

Well I uh, I could think of a lot worse—

                                     KATE HANFORD

You need to think of how you are going to solve the Bondage Mistress Murders not more ways to offend women

                                                   LEVINE

Well, I—

PETERSON

DIRK, c-mon this is 1979, women deserve respect, so you got anything?

                                                  LEVINE

Not really. All we got was that all the women were tall, like 5’10” but one was a blond and the other a brunette. And get this, this one was a redhead. And tall.

        PETERSON

So, these women, I imagine are working girls but no word yet on the Ocean City perp?

          LEVINE

      LEVINE

Must hurt? You moron. It’s just like any other surgery. You know, anesthesia?

      PETERSON

Still, I can’t imagine it.  And I can’t imagine why such a respected institution would take part in such madness, such mutilation, women trapped in men’s bodies! What a load of crap!

                                                     Scene 2  OCT 79

 (SETTING: Fell Point Hotel Bar Radio: We’ll be right back with Charlie Eckman, our special guest, to discuss the Orioles heartbreaking World Series loss to the Pirates… switching stations static followed by Strangers in the Night)

                                                       KENNERLY

So, hey there, hon…say can I buy you a drink?

MYSTERY WOMAN

No.

KENNERLY

Oh gorgeous, you are so fine, are you sure I can’t buy you a drink?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Quite certain—

KENNERLY

Well then, hon, may I ask you another question?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Certainly, as long as I don’t have to answer said question.

KENNERLY

Said question?  Are you a barrister?

MYSTERY WOMAN

No, neither am I a barista.

KENNERLY

A barista, what the h—

MYSTERY WOMAN

A barista, yeah, you know someone who makes coffee like at Peet’s, although you probably prefer Starbucks—

KENNERLY

Peets?  Starbacks?

MYSTERY WOMAN

StarBUCKS!  But never mind, so I digress; you got your one question answered.  Now would you kindly leave me alone?

KENNERLY

Okay, then if that is the way you want to play—

MYSTERY WOMAN

I wasn’t aware that that is what we were doing, playing that is.  So, is that what you want to do?  Play.  Aren’t you a grown man?  You must be what, be what, 45, 46?

KENNERLY

Oh, hon, you really think I look like I am in my forties.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Yes, well, the beard and the hair, or should I say the lack thereof?

KENNERLY

Well, I am only 38.

MYSTERY WOMAN

I don’t believe you.  Show me your driver’s license.

KENNERLY

Sure, baby, but only if you let me buy you a drink.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Why is it that you continue badgering me about a drink?  Is that what you do to make a lady feel obligated?

KENNERLY

No, no, no, darling.  It wouldn’t obligate you to nothing.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Anything!

KENNERLY

Anything?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Anything.

KENNERLY

I don’t get it.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Grammar.  Proper grammar.  I don’t like men who fail to speak the King’s English.

KENNERLY

Okay then, so, me buying you a…wait…I mean to say…if I were to buy you a drink, it would not obligate you in any way.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Oh, I like that!  The future unrealized subjunctive.

KENNERLY

The future unrealized sub—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Subjunctive:  “if I were.”

KENNERLY

Oh.

MYSTERY WOMAN

So, the driver’s license?

KENNERLY

You really think I look forties?  Well, here is the proof!

(Rod Stewart’s Tonight’s the Night begins playing as KENNERLY shows driver’s license and wallet stuffed with bills)

MYSTERY WOMAN

Oh my God!  You are a Leo!  Not good!  Not good at all!

KENNERLY

Yes, I guess I am, but I don’t buy into that astrology shi…uh, nonsense, but since you brought it up.  What sign are you?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Scorpio-Sagittarius.  On the cusp.  With seven moons in Leo.  That is why we could never get along, but that would not necessarily prevent us from having absofuckinglutely wild-ass sex.  Some of the best fucks I ever had were Leos.  And that goes for both men and women!

KENNERLY

Whoa-oh-oh, child.  You refuse to let me buy you a drink; now you are speculating about us having wild ass sex!  Are you yanking my chain?  I mean, are you playing me?  I feel like I am being played.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Don’t get any ideas.  I was merely discussing my past experience with Leos, and as far as playing, it was you who brought it up.

KENNERLY

No, it wasn’t.  It was you.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Nope.

KENNERLY

Okay then, have it your way; it was me.  But I feel like I am being played.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Anyway.  Vodka martini. Stolichnaya.  Very dry.  No olive.

KENNERLY

Hey Mark!  Will you get the lady a Stoli martini, very dry, hold the olive?

MYSTERY WOMAN

So, James, or do you go by Jim?

KENNERLY

Jim is fine.

MYSTERY WOMAN

So, James Brennan Kennerly.  Irish on both sides?  First-generation?

KENNERLY

Does it matter?  Well…no, German-Irish, both of whom came here before the Civil War.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Well, that’s promising.  A lot of full-blooded Irish I have known drank like a fish.  I hate teetotalers, but I equally detest men who drink like fish.

KENNERLY

That’s not me.  I drink more like a dolphin.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Dolphin?  Dol…phin?

KENNERLY

It was a joke.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Sounds to me like you have an ulterior porpoise!

KENNERLY

Okay, ha!  Now that was funny.

(MARK brings the drink, and KENNERLY pulls out wad of bills and pays him with a fifty, MYSTERY WOMAN takes a large sip.)

MYSTERY WOMAN

Mark sure does know how to pour a great drink!

KENNERLY

So…you been here before—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Yes, with my husband.

KENNERLY

Oh then…you are married?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Divorced.

KENNERLY

Oh, okay then…

(MARK brings change and KENNERLY leaves a five-dollar tip.)

MYSTERY WOMAN

So, what’s with the big wad of bills.  Are you a drug dealer?

KENNERLY

No!  I don’t even do drugs!

MYSTERY WOMAN

Not even a little pot?

KENNERLY

Well, yeah, a little pot.  Say, what didya say your name was?

MYSTERY WOMAN

I didn’t.

KENNERLY

No, I guess you didn’t.

MYSTERY WOMAN

No.

KENNERLY

So ya gonna tell me—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Tiffany.  You can call me Tiffany. That’s not my name, but that is what you can call me.

KENNERLY

So, will we be having breakfast, Tiffany?  (beat)  So you still want to yank my chain, doncha?

MYSTERY WOMAN

That’s not all I might yank.

KENNERLY

I, uh…

MYSTERY WOMAN

That is if you play your cards right—

KENNERLY

All right, well you said it, YOU said it…again…playing.  (beat)  Are you a pro?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Pro?

KENNERLY

Professional—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Well, I would certainly consider myself professional in every aspect of the word but—

KENNERLY

–um, what I was asking is, well, what I mean is, are you a, uh, prostitute?

MYSTERY WOMAN

How dare you!  How dare you accuse me of being a whore!

KENNERLY

I, uh, I, I am awfully sorry, I just—

MYSTERY WOMAN

You just…what?

KENNERLY

I was just…I was only kidding—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Only kidding, my a…Anyway, I am going to powder my nose and don’t put anything in my drink…as a matter of fact!  (Gulps down the rest of her drink and exits.)

KENNERLY

(Aside)

This woman is a real piece of work.  A real piece of work.  I just wonder what her shot is.  Women today…..  They want equal rights.  Even want to make as much money as us.  But they still want that control.  They know what we want.  What we have to have.  They always hold that power over us, and they use it every chance they get!  Women have one of the great acts of all time.  The smart ones act very feminine and needy, but inside they are real killers.  The person who came up with the expression “the weaker sex” was either very naive or had to be kidding.  I have seen women manipulate men with just a twitch of their eye — or perhaps another body part.  Equal rights?  What a joke!  It’s us men that should be fighting for equal rights.  (beat)  I wish I was a woman.  Wait!  Did I really say that?  Well, yes, I would just like to have that power for just one day.  That pussy power.  (pause)  The power of the pussy.  That’s the ultimate power, and if we ever let them have “equality” they will have the upper hand.  They will really have the upper hand!  Hey Mark, get me another and one for the lady too…but don’t serve it till she gets back.

(MYSTERY WOMAN enters and sits down a seat away from KENNERLY.)

Oh, hon, don’t do me this way…I am awfully sorry.  I didn’t mean nothing by it.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Anything!

KENNERLY

Right!  I apologize; I did not mean to infer anything by it.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Imply!

KENNERLY

I, uh—

MYSTERY WOMAN

You did not mean to imply anything by it!

KENNERLY

That’s what I said—

(MARK brings the drink, starts to serve it to MYSTERY WOMAN, but then places it in front of the unoccupied seat.)

MYSTERY WOMAN

No, you didn’t…hey, are you and Mark in collusion…I only get the drink if I sit next to you, asshole?

(MYSTERY WOMAN takes the drink and puts it down in front of her.)

KENNERLY

Look hon.  I am awfully sorry…and we were having a nice conversation.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Is that what you call it?  A conversation?

KENNERLY

Yes, well, yes, and we even seemed to be getting somewhere–

MYSTERY WOMAN

Oh, you thought you were getting somewhere.  Ha!  Where did you think you were getting, Mr. Kennerly?  Mister James Brennan Kennerly.  Just where did you think you were getting?

KENNERLY

I, I thought we were uh, uh, uh…getting to, to know each other?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Yes, perhaps, until you called me a —

KENNERLY

I didn’t call you noth— uh, anything.  And I am truly sorry. Hey, come sit next to me.  (beat)  Oh, hey, listen, (leans and whispers) I got some ludes—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Are you sure you are not a drug dealer?

KENNERLY

No, no, c’mon Tiffy baby, don’t start with that again.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Tiffany!  Not Tiffy, baby.  My Lord, fella, this is 1979, and we already into the Second Wave of Feminism–

KENNERLY

–Second wave of… what I didn’t even know we had a first wave—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Lucretia Mott? Elizabeth Cady Stanton Seneca–

KENNERLY

Sorry, miss…. I am such an ignorant schmuck.  (beat)  So, Tiffany, dear, I got some ludes and some killer sinsemilla— so, you DO get high, right?

                                                 Scene 4 SHIFT to sept 1978

(SETTING: Baltimore Police Fells Point homicide office LEVINE sits at desk reading the paper while PETERSON finishes pouring coffee (Radio…well, the Birds lost another close one last night and  it looks more and more like it’s gonna be wait until next year for the 1978 Birds…”)

       LEVINE

Looks like its bye, bye birdies, what are they like nine games out!

  PETERSON

Yeah brutal! Another one run loss! But there’s still time.  Anything could happen.

   LEVINE

Except that your birdies are in fourth place. If anybody takes the Yanks, it’ll be the Brewers or the Red Sox.

 PETERSON

Anyway, you should worry more about all the red up on the board rather than the RED Sox!

                                         LEVINE

Well yeah, if I don’t start closing cases, my ass might be back walking the beat in Highlandtown!

                                    PEMBERTOWN

Or they could ship your behind back to Brooklyn where you belong. 

                                         LEVINE

No I love the Bay too much. Even thinking of buying a boat—

PETERSON

The Bay. Boats. Baseball. You need to think murders, my friend! Solving murder cases. Forget the boat! Forget—

LEVINE

—Yeah, yeah, yeah…but it’s getting so I am afraid to pick up the phone. I am snake-bit. If I get another serial murderer, I might start of thinking of going over to the other side. Kate, on the other hand, everything she touches turns to gold—

PETERSON

She is something! The first ever female homicide detective in this unit and she’s solved what? Thirteen in a row now?

LEVINE

I think she must be sucking Giordano’s dick and he is feeding her all the dunkers!

PETERSON

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and just do your job. She answers the phone the same way we all do. It is just the luck of the draw or maybe she is just smarter than you.

                                           LEVINE

No way! These fucking women though. They want equal rights? We let them get the upper hand and it’s all over for us. They take over the world. Damn women. They ain’t smarter.  But they have intuition. Fucking Kate has intuition. That’s why she always picks up the phone at the right time. It is her damn feminine intuition! 

PETERSON

   (singing)

Well, yes de women are uh smarter! Oh yes de women are uh smarter—

                                            LEVINE

Yes, they may be, DIRK, yes they may just well be. That’s why we can never let them get the upper hand!

(blackout)

                                               Scene 5 this is the first murder sept 78

(SETTING: Hotel room at Mount Vernon Inn.  Naked semi-conscious man, mouth duct-taped, handcuffed and tied spread-eagled to bed while the Bee-Gees Stayin’ Alive plays somewhat loudly on the radio. A “Do Not Disturb” sign hangs on the door. The man coughs weakly and murmurs. Maid approaches, listens for a moment to the murmuring, starts to walk away then stops, then decides to knock, then waits)

                                        MAID   three sections on stage

Room service…room service? 

(MAID still hearing coughing and muffled murmuring, puts key in door then stops momentarily pondering then leaves)                          

                                                    Scene 6

 (SETTING: Baltimore Police Fells Point homicide office. Jerry Reed’s “When Your Hot Your Hot” plays on radio)

       LEVINE

Well, DIRK looks like your Birds are really toast now. Ten and a half back. Mister October hit another one out last night! Let’s see, the Yanks have now won six in a row! Sings. When you’re hot, you’re hot…

        PETERSON

Like I told you yesterday, you need to worry about solving murders, not baseball. On the other hand, I always say, life is like baseball. Solving crimes is like baseball. Like the song says. Sometimes you’re hot and sometimes you’re not.

 LEVINE

[3]Well, speaking of hot, Christ I am glad we finally got the AC fixed…my  god, is it always this hot in September?

(Cont’d)

…but yeah DIRK I need to get hot. I need a DiMaggio strreak or at least a Pete Rose. (drops off) Say, you’re Catholic, right?

      PETERSON

Yes?

        LEVINE

And you have all these patron saints, right? Like I heard there are patron saints for when you lose something, patron saints for—

      PETERSON

—Saint Anthony of Padua, yes—

                                                  LEVINE

So is there a patron saint for cops who are in desperate need of a dunker?

    PETERSON

Well, I don’t think that specific but there is a patron saint for cops. Saint Michael the Archangel.  In fact, I am wearing the pendant. I also wear a scapular.

                                             LEVINE

Wait! You wear a scapula? Isn’t that a little large?

      PETERSON

 I wear a scapular because you wear it around your scapula and it ensures those who wear it will never die without having a priest administer the last rites. It is a ticket to heaven. Well, not directly because you still might be diverted to purgatory for a while but eventually you are admitted to heaven.

            LEVINE

And you believe all this hocus pocus? And how long does purgatory last when time no longer exists? Make no sense, DIRK.

           PETERSON

           (recitation)

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth. And in Jesus Christ his only Son, our Lord; who was conceived by the Holy Spirit—

             LEVINE

–Stop! Just stop!

            PETERSON

–born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried. On the third day—

              LEVINE

—Please?

           PETERSON

Okay, say have you ever thought of converting, you could use some religion. Some faith anyway.

    LEVINE

No thanks… but then again…can I see that Saint Michael thingy.

(Hands him a metal pendant, Saint Michael on one side and text on the other)

(Cont’d)

Keep him safe day and night, give him courage strength and might. What a load of crap!

        PETERSON

You’d be surprised how many of us wear it though. It is said to have saved an officers life too…. deflected a bullet—

      LEVINE

Now that, that is a load of—

          PETERSON

Well, maybe, but then again, who knows but I have faith and that’s what carries me through the day.

                                                    LEVINE

yeah you still never give up on un, she must keep you up at night, that thirteen year old uh Adriana uh

                                           PETERSON

—Wilson. That angel, she still haunts me. I still think it was the Arabber but now I guess we’ll never know. Can you imagine? Gets picked up on a drunk and disorderly and he hangs himself.

                                             LEVINE

Maybe he was haunted too and he finally—?

     PETERSON

So maybe he got what he deserved, saved the state a lot of money— still, we’ll never know. And that reporter at The Sun—that guy Epstein— one who made his rep on the Monroe Street murder, he still won’t let the Adrianna Wilson case go, still trying to keep it a Red Ball. So who knows, maybe it wasn’t the Arabber…

                                          LEVINE

Nah! I think the Ay-rab did it—

 PETERSON

Arabber! Ay-rab is considered racist, remember?

LEVINE

Okay yeah sorry I uh but what is this Red Ball stuff? Is this another Baltimore thing like dunkers….

PETERSON

You mean you New Yawkers don’t use that… I thought—

 LEVINE

—No, we say clusterfuck or shitstorm— but at least here you only have the Sun and the News-American and no tabloids… only three TV news stations and a mayor who is not unreasonable–

PETERSON

Yeah, Mayor Schaeffer plays it right down the middle, at any rate, Red Ball came from a railroad term—say, I heard from Metzbauer that they used to call you John the Machine Levine in New York but not for closing cases—

LEVINE

No, I wasn’t even a cop, I sold real estate—but we had a board too, I was leading the board for months, even almost won a Cadillac but I had a deal go South and wound up with a set of steak knives instead… then after that I hit a streak where I couldn’t close a door, eventually I quit before they fired me—

PETERSON

John the machine Levine… John the machine Levine…. has a nice ring to it…think I’ll start calling you that, maybe it’ll change your luck—

LEVINE

–or I could borrow your scapula er scapular

(telephone rings)

PETERSON

Speaking of luck. It’s your turn, buddy.

    LEVINE

Fuck me! (beat) Just fuck me!

(picks up phone and listens)

(Cont’d)

Oh my God. Fuck! This one does not sound good. They just found a naked dead guy handcuffed and tied to his bed at the Mount Vernon Inn. Let’s go.

                                             Scene 7  still sept 78

(Mount Vernon Inn hallway outside crime scene, murmuring, cameras    

.

                                            LEVINE

So what you’re saying is that you came by yesterday and you thought you heard murmuring and crying for help but you didn’t go in.

                                              MAID

No, mister, uh detective, I thought quizas por un momento, maybe I go in but then I think no, it’s okay…then I think maybe I tell el jefe but he was busy so then I go home. Today I come back and they find el hombre dead. Dios mio!   (blesses herself)

    PETERSON

So the murmuring, could you make out anything, anything at all.

.

                                             MAID

Well the radio, it was loud, I hear him coughing, then I think he started to say something but it make no sense to me what he say—

   LEVINE

So what did he say! What do you think he said?

                                                 MAID

Well I not sure because it make no sense but I, I uh—

   LEVINE

Yes?

PETERSON

 Yes, go on—

                                            MAID

Well, I think he say and my hearing not so good but yo pienso, I think he say…

                   LEVINE

Yes?

                                             MAID

Well, I think he say “rosebud” It make no sense but that is what I think he say “rosebud” Maybe mean something in Americano, I don’t know.

LEVINE

Oh my God, I don’t believe this!

PETERSON

And that’s all you heard?

                                   MAID (to LEVINE)

Do I say something wrong, senor?

(to PETERSON)

No that’s all I hear “rosebud”

 LEVINE

Jesus Christ

PETERSON (to LEVINE)

Get a grip, machine! The Lord has nothing to do with this!

                                                    (to MAID)

Okay, ma’am, well you may need to come in and make a statement and we might need a polygraph.

                                           MAID

A poly—

                                         LEVINE

A lie detector test—

                                              MAID

I no lie, senor?

PETERSON

No ma’am, we believe you. Nostrotros creemos que usted habla la verdad.

                                              MAID

Oh thank you, gracias senor gracias! Perdonome its okay? Tengo que salir. Can I go?

 LEVINE

Yes, I think we have what we need for now but don’t leave town.

                                              MAID

Gracias

 (exits)

PETERSON

So what now?

                                            LEVINE

So this guy was in bed tied up for two days…the day manager says he knows nothing…Hopefully we’ll get some prints but we need to talk to the bar people.

     PETERSON

Well, Kelly already interviewed the daytime bartender who couldn’t give us a thing…so we should talk to the people that were on Tuesday night—

                                               LEVINE

Yes, I already checked, they both come in at three—

     PETERSON

So let’s grab some lunch? Crabs?

                                                LEVINE

Sounds good! Connolly’s?

    PETERSON

Yes! Connolly’s it is

                                              Scene 8 sept 78

(SETTING: Connolly’s Seafood Restaurant, sounds of waves, foghorns in background)

                                             LEVINE

(to waitress)

Another National Premium and another Diet-Rite for my friend

 PETERSON

What regular Natty Boh not good enough for you?

LEVINE

Are you kidding? That monkey piss? I’d order a Ballantine Ale but they don’t carry it.

   PETERSON

You can take the boy out of New York City but you can’t—

                                             LEVINE

Enough already with that mantra.

  PETERSON

More like a meme!

                                            LEVINE

A meme? What’s a meme?

PETERSON

It refers to something that through repetition within a culture becomes familiar. It’s a word coined by Richard Dawkins—

LEVINE

I never knew or thought that guy was capable of anything more than kissing his contestants and making stupid quips! In fact, a lot like your stupid quips, Dirk.

PETERSON

Richard Dawkins, not Dawson!

LEVINE

Who is—oh never mind, I am sure it’s another guy you studied when you were majoring in philosophy at Holy Cross…I just wonder why you are wasting all that education doing this?

PETERSON

Well, this is what God meant for me to do, something your heathen butt would never understand. Anyway, it’s barely past two, let’s get some dessert. The apple pie is to die for. And a la mode, for sure.

LEVINE

Yes…the best in the city and I’ll get mine with ice cream.

(waitress brings drinks and picks up dishes)

PETERSON

So were about ready for some dessert but give my friend time to finish his beer. I’ll take the apple pie a la mode and, for my buddy, he’ll have the same (winks) only with ice cream. Vanilla, of course. So, John, you think this will be another Red Ball?

LEVINE

You’re kidding. A guy handcuffed and tied to his bed for two days, apparently dies of some slow acting poison, what do you think?

PETERSON (facetiously)

Well, you never know. It could turn out he died of natural causes.

LEVINE

Yeah right. I should be so lucky. But it still would be a homicide either way as being tied up would make the person culpable.

   PETERSON

You say “person” rather than woman. I am pretty sure it was a woman probably a working girl.

LEVINE

Well, you know that Leon’s is just down the street—you know the gay bar? Not to mention The Hippo—

PETERSON

Well yeah but—

LEVINE

And the handcuffs, you know a lot of those guys are into that, that—

PETERSON

S and M?

                                          LEVINE

You know about that shit, Dirk? I am surprised. Did they have a course in kinky fetishes at Holy–

PETERSON

==You’d be surprised at what I learned at Holy Cross and I have been working homicide for seven years now…run into all kinds of kinky shenanigans in this town…I guess you didn’t hear or forgot I solved the Park Avenue Hustler case—the guy who picked up johns outside of Leon’s and murdered them. I can walk into any gay bar in this city and it’s drinks on the house for me and my party. I don’t need to watch John Waters blasphemous movies to find out about that stuff.

                                             LEVINE

Reminds me I need to make phone call

(slow fade to black, then lights up)

                                              LEVINE

(in phone booth)

Hey babes, look I am going to late again. I am sorry. I know you’re fixing lasagna…my favorite… but—

(Indistinguishable deep voice is heard through phone)

Look, hon, I am really sorry but I think it’s going to be another Red Ball

(PETERSON walks by on way to bathroom, glances at LEVINE who hunches over guardedly)

Look, look, I gotta go…yeah maybe nine or ten, I don’t know…okay I’ll try to call later…say, what do you know about sado-ma—oh never mind, we’ll talk tonight or in the morning if I’m late.

(blackout, lights up, LEVINE and PETERSON are back at table)

PETERSON

So who was that?

LEVINE

Oh uh, my uh neighbor. I uh asked her if she could feed my cat.

PETERSON

I didn’t know you had a cat—

LEVINE

I didn’t either. (beat) Man, this is the best, this ice cream it must be Breyers?

PETERSON

Breyers? Is that some New York brand? No, it’s Hendler’s, the best. 

LEVINE

And these pies?

PETERSON

Exclusive to Connolly’s. Some woman, Mildred Pierce I think her name is, bakes all their pies.  Anyway, look we better finish up—Oh doggone it, I almost forgot, I am supposed to see the chief at four, can you handle this bartender interview yourself?

                                LEVINE

Sure

                                                Scene 9 sept 78

(SETTING: Mount Vernon Inn, LEVINE sits at bar, he is the only one at the bar: Radio: The Birds are on the verge of elimination from the 1978 postseason as they dropped another on at the Stadium last night…)

DANNY (bartender #2) ((turns off radio)

I still can’t believe any of this. I can’t believe this happened here, for sure. Guy tied up for almost two days, I hear.  I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it could happen here. I mean this is a class joint. F. Scott Fitzgerald drank here and Mencken. And oh, that other guy, the guy that wrote The Jungle?

LEVINE

The Jungle?

DANNY

Oh, let me look it up on my phone—

    LEVINE

Your phone? You can’t look it up on your phone. This is 1978!

DANNY

Oh, yes that’s right. Oh, wait, it was Sinclair Lewis, er no, Upton Sinclair, yes Upton—

                                               LEVINE

So… we just need to get down to business.

DANNY

Yes, sure.

                                                LEVINE

So, the victim came in at around 8pm you say?

DANNY

Yes, more or less.   I remember it was slow that night and he just nursed his drink…a Schlitz if I recall but definitely beer until—

   LEVINE

Yes?

DANNY

Well, he nursed this one beer for like an hour and a half. I was at the other end of the bar  talking with one of the regulars, I hadn’t even noticed her…anyway, he calls to me…calls to me by name which is weird because I don’t remember telling him my name, anyway, he says, “Hey Danny, the lady and I over here are dry!” So yes so like now he is sitting with this very tall and attractive blonde, very well dressed, a black low cut dress and black leather knee high boots with stiletto heels that I noticed later, not heavily made up, just very pretty without all the mascara a lot of the girls wear, you know the ones who try to look like Liz Taylor, so anyway, he orders a 7 and 7 for himself and a vodka martini for the lady, who insisted on Stoli which I thought was a little weird.

LEVINE

Age?

  DANNY

I’d say late twenties, 27 maybe.

                                                LEVINE

If you had to guess. Do you think they knew each other?

                                           DANNY

Well, they seem to be having such a good time, lots of animated conversation, I gave them a lot of space so I didn’t overhear anything…except I heard them mention leather a couple of times…so they seemed to be two people who just met and just hit it off right off the bat or maybe old friends who had not seen each other…they sure seemed to have a lot to talk about.

(Bartender looking toward end of bar) 

I’ll be there in just a second, gentlemen…So yes, they were really enjoying each other’s company, excuse me for just a second….

                                              LEVINE

Okay relax, take care of your customers

                                       DANNY

Well it’s happy hour so we are going to get busy.

                                                LEVINE

So they are having a good time, chatting, and then?

                                         DANNY

Well, after about three rounds, they start getting cozy, if you know what I mean, not kissing or anything just real close to one another…then around 10:30 it got really busy and I look up and they are gone. I go to pick up the glasses and there’s a Benjamin under the guy’s glass. A real blessing because I barely made my rent this month.  Look it is really getting busy so—

      LEVINE

Well, I think I got what I need for now but I need to get your contact information and I am going to ask you come down to the station to do an artist’s rendering.

DANNY

Oh cool! I feel like I am on Columbo! Can I come in tomorrow, I’m off.

                                            Scene 10 still sept/oct 1978

(SETTING: Baltimore Police Department Fells Point homicide office, LEVINE reads the The Sun)

LEVINE 

Well it looks like your Birdies are truly toast. In fourth place, TWELVE AND A HALF behind my Bronx Bombers…on the other hand, they might have an outside shot at a wild card.

PETERSON

Wild card? Isn’t that football?

LEVINE

Oh right yeah, what was I thinking.

PETERSON

I guess you missed the front page then?

LEVINE

Yeah, I only got the sports…and the classified.

PETERSON

Well, you’ll need to have a look at the front page. The muckraking SOB at The Sun did an expose on our M.E. that you wouldn’t believe. And specifically mentioned your Red Ball and that six weeks in, you still don’t have toxicology reports. He also questions that our stellar forensic department didn’t pull any helpful fingerprints out of your crime scene. And that reminds me they did find some blood, a small amount on the sheets and it doesn’t match the victim so–

PETERSON

So we need to preserve that, remember it could be used later as DNA evidence…oh by the way, whatever happened about the bartender?

 LEVINE

He was really helpful at first, gave me a really detailed account but it turns out a lot of the description was false, we know because Zuverink talked to the manager who relieved him for a few minutes…the woman was a brunette not a not a blonde and the manager said  it looked like a wig…he said he was really excited about coming in to do the artist rendering then vanishes…this flake was also light in his loafers

PETERSON

He wore loafers?

                                         LEVINE

No actually he wore wingtips if I recall, DIRK, this is no time to play!

PETERSON

Anyway, so this guy just disappeared off the face of the earth?

                                           LEVINE

Yeah they got s search warrant for his apartments, nothing…no usable prints. Luminol came up with nothing.  The strange thing is why this guy just up and disappears. It makes no sense. 

        PETERSON

Well, maybe the toxicology will show you something. At this point, we should go back and talk to all the neighbors we can find that knew this guy as well as all the hotel employees. That’s all you’ve got.… Until of course, the bondage murder mistress strikes again. As our friend at The Sun thinks she will.

                                          LEVINE

Ha! Imagine that guy labeling the perp the Bondage Murder Mistress when were not even sure that it’s a woman… Well… Everything, of course, points to a female but there sure ain’t no way to tell yet.

    PETERSON

in the meantime, I have my own cases to close. Nothing even close to a Red Ball thank God but who knows what tomorrow will bring.

LEVINE

Indeed!

(blackout)

                                            Scene 11

Audio (SETTING: Baltimore Police Department Fells Point office)

LEVINE

So I just got the toxicology back on

Well they found alcohol and cannabis, not surprising, but also ricin….the cause of death is listed as ricin poisoning.

PETERSON

I am afraid he is my friend. I am afraid he is.

(blackout, lights up)

(LEVINE sits at desk head down reading a newspaper, PETERSON walks in carrying two Dunkin’ Donuts coffees and newspapers)

PETERSON (putting coffee down on LEVINE’s desk)

Here you go, my friend, I thought I’d try to bring you some luck!

          LEVINE

I am going to need it. Our friend at The Sun has this on the front page. The good news is that he has backed off calling it The Bondage Mistress murders. The bad news is that he is calling it an international incident, he’s now calling  it The Ricin Murders and speculating that our perp might have ties to the IRA! Of course, this clown has no real evidence except that a neighbor said that he might have traveled back and forth to Ireland a couple of times.

PETERSON

Well my friend, I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news…even worse news, I am afraid.

(hands him newspapers)

LEVINE

Oh my fucking God. Jesus Christ!

PETERSON

I know it’s bad DIRK but please don’t put it on God!

                                             LEVINE

The NEW YORK TIMES! AND THE WASHINGTON POST! And on the front page? Just shoot me. Just fucking shoot me!

PETERSON

Well maybe there’s a bright side DIRK, if this is an international incident, if there’s espionage or I would venture to say maybe some kind of weapons exchange, which I would say is far more likely considering the IRA angle, we will be able to hand this all off to the Feds, the FBI, the ATF…

LEVINE

Damn DIRK, yeah that makes sense, thanks but it’s all just speculation at this point and this guy was an aluminum siding salesman, a tin man! Not an arms dealer!

PETERSON

Well, the job could be just a cover. But we could find that out very easily. Let’s go talk to his employer.

                                              Scene 12  

(SETTING: Baltimore Police Department, Fells Point parking lot, PETERSON, keys in hand, and LEVINE approach car)

                                             LEVINE

Okay if I drive, DIRK?

   PETERSON

No!

                                            LEVINE

Why not?

PETERSON

Because you you’re a lousy driver and besides you should review your notes while they’re fresh.

LEVINE

Well okay, guess you’re right

 (gets into car)

PETERSON

So what do you think?

LEVINE

I think it is pretty clear the guy was just a siding salesman and not a gun runner for the IRA

PETERSON

In fact, he was one of their top closers, right?

                                           LEVINE

Yeah and supposedly the guy put in fifty sixty hours a week, working nights, weekends and the trips to Ireland, he visited his sick mother who they say passed away in June.

PETERSON

We should confirm that—

                                           LEVINE

Yes, but I think it is pretty clear the guy was just a tin man.

PETERSON

Those guys are quite insane, a buddy I knew at Poly became a tin man. What a character. He used to tell me about all the tricks they used to pull trying to fish customers like saying their home would be featured on the cover of Life Magazine. Crazy stuff but really funny.

                                          LEVINE

Yeah funny stuff but not so funny now because the state is cracking down on them big league.

PETERSON

Bigly. Big-ly?

LEVINE

Big league, you know like big time.  I guess it’s a New York saying.

PETERSON

Speak Baltimorese otherwise, people will not understand you down here.

LEVINE

Okay, hon. (beat) Anyway, our buddy from The Sun, Epstein is writing an expose on our tin men. 

PETERSON

Great maybe he will stay off our case!

                                         LEVINE

Anyway those guys we met today. Real characters! Somebody should make a movie about them.

PETERSON

Yeah.

(blackout)

                                            Scene13 still  September/oct 1978

(SETTING: Baltimore Police Department homicide office, LEVINE reading The Sun)

LEVINE (reading newspaper)

My Yankees finally wrapped up the Division last night. We are going to back to back just like the glory days!

PETERSON

It’s been awhile since you guys repeated, what was it? 61, 62?

LEVINE

Yeah sixteen years ago, 1962, I was sixteen and was just getting over the heartbreak of the Bums moving to Brooklyn and becoming a Yankees fan.

PETERSON

You were never a Mets fan, I hope!

LEVINE

No…. Yankee fans hate the Mets, just like they hated Brooklyn and the Giants.

  PETERSON

I am still trying to get over 1969! The amazing Mets, then the Jets beat the Colts, one of the worst years of my life, sports-wise anyway, but I did meet my beautiful wife in ’69. Our first date was the first game of the 69 series. The one game the Orioles won.

(KATE HANFORD enters carrying a Dunkin Donuts coffee)

                                         KATE HANFORD

Hey I just heard on the radio that the FBI completed their check on your Tin Man turns out he was just an aluminum siding salesman. Poor guy, left five kids and a mountain of debt.

            LEVINE

Wait! They release that to the media and don’t bother telling us first?

                                                Scene 15 back to fells point inn????

(SETTING: Fells Point Hotel Bar, Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” plays on jukebox)

KENNERLY

I, I thought we were uh, uh, uh…getting to, to know each other? (note that some of the dialogue is repeated to clarify time shift)

MYSTERY WOMAN

Yes, perhaps, until you called me a —

KENNERLY

I didn’t call you noth— uh anything. And I am truly sorry Hey come sit next to me. (beat) Oh, hey, listen (leans and whispers) I got some ludes—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Are you sure you are not a drug dealer? 

KENNERLY

No, no c’mon Tiffy baby, don’t start with that again.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Tiffany! Not Tiffy baby. My Lord, fella, this is 1979 and we already into the Second Wave of Feminism–

KENNERLY

–Second wave of… what I didn’t even know we had a first wave—

MYSTERY WOMAN                                                                                                                                                                                Lucretia Mott? Elizabeth Cady Stanton Seneca–

KENNERLY                                                                                                                                      –Sorry, miss…. I am such an ignorant schmuck (beat) so Tiffany, dear, I got some ludes and some killer sensemilla— so you DO get high, right?

(she moves closer to him)

MYSTERY WOMAN

Well, let’s say I like to take the edge off. I am a little high strung…at times—but are you sure you don’t deal drugs? Then what do you do, Mister Kennerly.

                                               KENNERLY

I deal software. Well, I deal in software.

                                         MYSTERY WOMAN

So you deal coke? Pun intended! You are a soft drink peddler?

KENNERLY

First of all, I am NOT a peddler of anything. I deal in software. Computer software. Proprietary systems. I set up financial institutions with computer software to help them track nearly everything they need to track. I am close to closing a deal with Maryland National Bank.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Surprising.

KENNERLY

What’s surprising?

MYSTERY WOMAN

That a gentleman in that field would have a wallet full of cash instead of a wallet full of credit cards.

KENNERLY

Like the shoemaker whose kids are shoeless, I don’t really believe in credit cards. I have one, an American Express. Anyway, I hope I can close this deal before Friday because I have even bigger fish to fry next week with Lincoln Financial in Philly then down to Miami to meet with Amerifirst. 

MYSTERY WOMAN

I’d love to go to Miami but not this time of year.

KENNERLY

Did that sound like an invitation?

MYSTERY WOMAN

No just saying… but for all these big deals you are the verge of closing, you don’t look well-heeled. I mean we’re talking Men’s Warehouse not Brook’s Brothers.

KENNERLY

Well, I uh, the problem is that this software is so revolutionary that most of the asshole decision-makers I deal with don’t understand its benefits. We are just a start up and I’m in on the ground floor but if we succeed and I stick, we are talking millions. And the way we are marketing this is that we’re practically giving it away on the contingency that once the bank starts seeing the savings and I am talking thousands of dollars in labor that we’ll save ‘em. We renew the deal ninety days from now at the full rate and the company and I both make money. Lots of money.

MYSTERY WOMAN

So for now, you are just a guy in cheap suits who has to stay in second rate motels and–

KENNERLY

Well, this place ain’t the Taj Mahal but—

MYSTERY WOMAN

But it ain’t the Hilton either.

KENNERLY

Well, it ain’t Motel 6 either. I have a suite, really nice wet-bar and I hear they have a hot tub in the Honeymoon Suite.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Too bad you don’t have the Honeymoon Suite. I could go for some ludes and a Hot Tub.

KENNERLY

Mark, could you bring me the phone?

MYSTERY WOMAN

So you are going to try to book the Honeymoon Suite, well, Jim, I was only… I mean, uh, I—

KENNERLY

Oh hon, don’t try to back out now. Don’t play with me now!

 (MARK brings the phone. KENNERLY picks it up and dials “0’ as Bee Gees “More Than a Woman” begins playing)

(Cont’d)

Say, Steve is it? This is Jim Kennerly in 316, say Steve is the—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Oh I can’t believe what I am getting myself into. Mark, get me one more and put it on Jim’s tab.

                                                 KENNERLY

So yes just for the one night. Okay twenty minutes then, can you just let Mark know when its ready then? Yes, put it on my AmEx. Okay. Thanks Steve.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Oh my God! What have I done? Well, maybe you are a good closer, after all.

                                                                      (slow blackout as “More Than a Woman” plays)

(As the Eagles “One of These Nights begins playing, MYSTERY WOMAN holds martini just an inch away from her lips, KENNERLY leans towards it and MYSTERY WOMAN pulls the glass away. KENNERLY reaches up her skirt but MYSTERY WOMAN guides his hand away. The two continue kissing as lights and music slowly fade.)

                                                     Scene 16 October 1979

SETTING: Baltimore Police Department Fells Point Homicide Divison. LEVINE and PETERSON sit at desks. KATE HANFORD enters carrying Dunkin Donuts bag. TV/RADIO The Orioles are still licking their wounds after dropping losing the 1979 series to the Pirates…)

                                           KATE HANFORD    

Not a big baseball fan but I thought the Birds would take the seventh game especially after the way they took that sixth game

                                            PETERSON

Yeah what irks me though is that they had to play by National League rules, No designated hitter–

                                                LEVINE

And Pittsburgh again… lot of people still talk about 1971  and Boog Powell not cutting the ball  off on and letting the winning runs core in Game 7but at least he has his BBQ concession at Camden yards to fall back on…   

                                            KATE HANFORD

Camden Yards? BBQ?                                                                                                                                     

                                                 LEVINE

Oh never mind (phone rings)

Homicide….oh good morning, chief? Oh shit, no! Okay, where now?   Okay. (long pause)  Hmmm…Okay…Yes, well… Yes…hmm, well that sounds promising at least. Yeah, I’ll get everyone on it except for Cassidy and Wittlesburger who are  the other pending Red Ball—the Boy’s Latin case… yeah, the lacrosse player who collapsed, okay but I’ll get everyone else on it. Okay, guys and Kate, all hands on deck, my Bondage Mistress has struck again.

                                                PETERSON

Where this time?

                                                    LEVINE

This one at the Fells Point Hotel. Same deal. Tied up and handcuffed. Only this time chief says the bartender can give us a really good make on this broad.

                                                PETERSON

Maybe this is your big break

                                                      LEVINE

Hope so. G wants everyone on it and he wants both Kate and I to interview the bartender.

                                               KATE HANFORD

All right, let’s go. Here John take this for some luck.

                                                                                      (hands him a coffee and a donut) 

Scene 17

The  Fells Point Hotel Bar

                                                        MARK

So it was slow that night, Tuesdays usually are.  So this guy, he had come in a couple times since he checked in Sunday night, some kind of traveling salesman (beat)  such a shame, seemed like a really nice guy, anyway around 8:30, this broad comes in, sits next to him— so naturally the guy starts trying to put the make on her, but she’s like really standoffish and sarcastic even. This broad—not your normal B-girl by any means and certainly no Saturday night hon—very sophisticated, well-dressed…I overheard her say she’s a hometown gal but no Baltimore accent, in fact, she had that accent like in the movies…you know that high-class…oh what’s the word, aristocratic accent, that’s it…a lot like what’s her name, the one with Spencer Tracy? Right yeah, Katherine Hepburn…yes a real sophisticated lady. Anyway, for like an hour…she is giving this guy a really hard way to go…. calling him a drug dealer because he pulls out a wad of bills…then all of the sudden the guy is asking to transfer to the Honeymoon Suite because the chick wants a hot tub. But we only had The Presidential Suite so—

                                             KATE HANFORD

So  you said 5’10” maybe 5’11”? How could you tell? Was she wearing heels?

                                                MARK

Yes. But I factored that in.  I noticed when she got up she wore these black leather boots with 3” stiletto heels. I’m 6’1” and she was exactly my height.

                                                   KATE HANFORD

Oh good, great…any distinguishing marks…moles.

MARK

Well, she had a mole on her cheek, her right cheek but I am pretty sure that was make-up…pencil I guess… Really nice figure, nice sized ah well you know uh chest?

KATE HANFORD

Nice big tits, eh?

BARTENDER #3

Yes. (pause) Nice legs too, a beautiful statuesque br— er woman. Only thing is, besides being really tall, she had kind of broad shoulders yet she was quite stunning…seemed like a really powerful woman not the kind I could handle but then again, I’m (beat) well, uh…  anyway, yes she was striking and like I said brunette, medium length, not curly but not really straight either and I am quite sure it was natural, not a wig…I used to work at a bar where we got a lot of queens so I know wigs when I see ‘em….and like I said, high cheekbones, nice full lips, high eyebrows and natural, not penciled in…. beautiful long eyelashes, nicely painted and definitely not fake…yeah I think I can give you a nice rendering…

                                                    LEVINE

So, you can come down tomorrow and do the artist rendering?

BARTENDER #3

Sure, detective, no problem.

LEVINE

And you promise won’t disappear.

BARTENDER #3

I uh what?

KATE

The last time he had a bartender coming in to do make on this woman, the guy disappeared—

BARTENDER #3

Well, I uh know uh why should I uh—

LEVINE

Well, come to think of it. Can you just come down now? I mean well we are right down the street.

BARTENDER #3

Well I yes sure as long as I can get someone to cover…yes sure.

LEVINE

Okay ask for the chief Captain Giordano

Transcribed from excised text

KATE HANFORD

So what do you think, John?

           LEVINE

Looks like the same MO. Married businessman from out of town, hooks up with our mystery woman and winds up being found tied up and dead in his bed two days later…we have to wait on the toxicology but I did some research on this ricin…which is extracted from the Castor Bean, in fact there have been children who were poisoned just handling these beans but anyway once its synthesized, it takes a very small amount of it to kill someone and death only occurs 24 to 36 hours or even longer after ingestion. And the FBI lab people tell me that synthesizing the poison is not something that the typical person could do…that it would take a great deal of expertise…it would take someone with a background in chemistry and access to a laboratory. So, on one hand we are thinking this woman is a professional…an escort….then on the other hand, a professional of another type, a chemistry professor or someone who might be working for Dow Chemicals or some place like that…maybe we could…Kate, are their employers that we might look for to—

KATE HANFORD

Oh my God, John. From Aberdeen Proving Grounds to Fort Meade, the NSA, not to mention possible employers closer to DC, and in DC itself, there are hundreds of possibilities, talk about a needle in a haystack—

            LEVINE

Yeah, I’m grasping at straws here… it will probably be a big nothing burger!

KATE

A nothing bur—

(PETERSON enters)

         PETERSON

–Hey Kate…LEVINE—

                                                     LEVINE

So you got anything?

            PETERSON

Not a lot. Nothing from the either of the managers. Not a thing. But I did get something from one of the maids. She said the Do Not Disturb sign was on the door all three mornings she came by. Early in the afternoon on Tuesday, the second day, she caught a glimpse of a woman leaving.  Redhead, tall, well-dressed, didn’t see her face…she came by on Tuesday morning, day three…knocked several times, never any answer. Finally, she glimpsed in and found the dead guy.

       LEVINE

And nothing on the hotel security camera?

           KATE

Hotel security camera? John, this is 1979.

                  LEVINE

Oh right! Damn, I forgot…so anything else from the maid?

                 PETERSON

Well, only what we already know, guy dead, naked, tied and handcuffed to his bed. (beat) But forensics has apparently found some interesting stuff…a small amount of blood, hair of two different types and a lot of what appears to be dried semen, a bunch of it in different places. Of course, until we can apply the Watson and Crick research that won’t do us much good—

                LEVINE?

Watson? Sherlock Holmes?

                PETERSON

No Machine, Watson and Crick, they discovered deoxyribonucleic acid, DNA, and I just read a paper that there may be some new method of human genomic testing that could turn out to be a sort of a unique, um what they are calling a DNA fingerprint, from blood, from semen, from hair maybe, even saliva…so the most important thing is that we preserve the evidence because this new technology could be just around the corner…just years away.

KATE

So I guess you two rocket scientists never heard of Rosalind Franklin? 

PETERSON

Who?

KATE

Rosalind Franklin the woman who originally discovered DNA.

PETERSON

No it was Watson and Crick, everyone knows that!

KATE

Oh wait yeah uh yeah let me check my phone (fumbles around in purse) ….I well, anyway no,  guess you are right, we are still in 1979, sorry

PETERSON

Check your phone? Are you okay Kate? Sounds like you may have caught the machine’s affliction!

KATE

Yeah weird how this keeps happening…

LEVINE

So all this DNA stuff sounds promising but by they better find this breakthrough fast otherwise  I’ll probably be back walking the beat in Highlandtown.

        PETERSON

Well I wouldn’t give up hope quite yet. They also lifted a bunch of prints so…

  DANNY

(Brings LEVINE the house phone)

Oh, Officer LEVINE, you got a call here… he said it is really important

                                         LEVINE

Okay thanks but it’s  Detective Levine. ( speaking softly) ) What are you doing calling me here…(To PETERSON  and KATE HANFORD) excuse me guys this is personal….(KATE HANFORD and PETERSON move stage right and start talking among themselves)  so yeah I know we have tickets to “Mousetrap” tonight….I don’t think we’ll have time for dinner though….we may just have to meet at the theater…yeah I can make it by 7:30…right…at the box office, the tickets are at will call, right? Okay, listen you really need to be more discreet….okay…I know…but I could lose my job….then what would we do? Okay then 7:30 at the Lyric….if I can get out earlier I’ll call you…otherwise…okay…(KATE HANFORD and PETERSON walk back over to the bar near LEVINE) okay, look okay I really need to go….bye)

                                              KATE HANFORD

Who was that? Sounded intense.

                                              LEVINE

Oh no not really. It was my cat sitter, she was worried because Sylvester refuses his cat food and she thinks he might be sick.

                                           KATE HANFORD

I didn’t know you were a cat lover, John.

                                                 LEVINE

I’m not.

                                               PETERSON

So listen up, the manager says he has a couple other people we can speak to, doesn’t think they have anything but says we should talk to them

                                                   LEVINE

Who exactly?

                                                 PETERSON

A couple maids and a guest.

                                                 LEVINE

Okay, let’s go, maybe Kate can work some magic

(blackout)

Scene

Radio “A Baltimore police spokesman said at a press conference yesterday that they have received no leads yet after releasing a sketch of a possible suspect in the murder that occurred last week at the Fells Point Hotel. The suspect, the so-called Bondage Murder Murderess, is described as being…”

(KATE HANFORD enters)

KATE HANFORD

Hey John.  G just handed me this certified letter for you.

LEVINE

Certified? Delivered here?  Uh, okay thanks.

(Opens letters and starts to read it then folds it up and puts it back in the envelope)

LEVINE

Hey Kate, can you cover for me, I need to get a quick bite.

KATE

Well, DIRK was thinking of getting some crabs at Bo Brooks as soon as Tim gets back and he is buying!

LEVINE

Sounds good but I need to runs some errands so…I think I’ll just grab something at the White Coffee Pot.

KATE

You’re passing up crabs at Bo Brooks for that greasy spoon?

LEVINE

Yeah, Kate, tell DIRK thanks though.

Scene  White Coffe Pot restaurant phone booth)

LEVINE

Oh my God, Christopher…you aren’t going to believe this. (pause) I just received a uh registered letter from the Bondage Murder Mistress. (pause) Well, yes I opened it. (pause) No I wasn’t wearing gloves. (pause) Oh you are right, I didn’t even think of that, oh shit well, if I die in the next couple days then you’ll know…no, I am not going to the hospital…well…okay I will if I start feeling queasy (pause)  but no I can’t turn it over….let me  read it to you…verbatim…are you sitting down? (pause) Okay here goes. “Dear sniveling little faggot flatfoot…” (pause) Look just hold on and let me read it verbatim, okay?  “First, you will never find me or find out who I am, you donut-munching queer.  I don’t leave clues and that sketch of me that your bartender helped you create will never lead to me being found. I can change my appearance at the drop of a hat. On the other hand, if I ever do screw up and you find me, your dirty little secret will be known to the world and you will be fired, my feckless flatfooted fruitcake friend.  Finally, rest assured that there is nothing contained in this correspondence that can help you find me so you don’t need to be conflicted over whether or not you should turn this over to your forensics team of incompetents. Signed, The Bondage Murder Mistress” Okay that’s it. (long pause) No I am not going to turn it in. I’ll be fired. Yes, Chris, yes I see what you mean…yes okay, we’ll talk about it over dinner…at home of course, yeah, your lasagna would be nice and I’ll pick up some Mateus Rose and your Tia Maria for afterwards okay then.

Scene

(SETTING: LEVINE and CHRISTOPHER’s apartment, finishing dinner. . Al Greene’s Let’s Stay Together plays).

CHRISTOPHER

How do you know they’ll fire you, hon? This is 1979, in another few months, it’ll be new decade. Things are changing. I read that out in San Francisco a school teacher is filing a six million dollar lawsuit because she was fired for being a lesbian. I mean yeah, Anita Bryant may be alive and well… but this is Baltimore not Miami. We got a liberal mayor now. Spiro Agnew should be behind bars and that other crook Marvin Mandel is dead. The very neighborhood you used to walk the beat in is now represented by one of the most liberal women or— person for that matter—in Congress. Things are changing and the last thing the department needs is bad publicity. And, besides, you can just deny everything. I’ll even move out if I have to.

LEVINE

No, no, no hon…I love you and can’t live withoutcha, babes. 

CHRISTOPHER

Oh that is so sweet but listen…worst case, we have money saved, we could get by until I graduate and pass the bar. We would not be on easy street…we’d just have to cut back…but we could make it. And another thing. If you don’t turn in that letter. Or if you destroy it. You could be charged with obstruction of justice and I wouldn’t be able to defend you. Not yet anyway.

LEVINE

Yes… well if they don’t fire me. Still…. Everyone would know what I am.

CHRISTOPHER

Stop it with the self-loathing crap, John. Can’t you see? Trying to stay in the closet is killing you? You just can’t go on living like this! We can’t go on living like this. Haven’t you heard about Gay Pride? Stonewall?  A new day is dawning.

LEVINE

Sorry, I can’t do it. I’m not ready.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, you have no choice. What if they find a print on that letter, John? You will be a hero. And haven’t you considered that the department will keep a lid on this. No way they’ll reveal that they got this letter. Not at least until you track down this killer. Which I know you will. But again, worst case. You get fired. We sue. You can work as a PD or in security. Then when I graduate, we’ll move out West and start a new life. But they won’t fire you, John.

LEVINE

I guess you are right, Chrissie.  (beat) Are my feet really flat?

CHRISTOPHER

Ha, no hon. In the meantime, get some gloves and seal that letter in a plastic bag.

Scene

(SETTING: Baltimore Police Department Fells Point Homicide Division office, LEVINE and KATE HANFORD alone at desks)

LEVINE

Well, no prints on the letter. Nothing. The letter was mailed, get this! From the Fells Point Post Office!   This woman is challenging, almost mocking me. We are getting an FBI profiler to look into the content of the letter to develop some kind of psychological make-up.

KATE HANFORD

So what’s with her calling you a flatfooted faggot…I wonder what that is all about?

LEVINE

Well, the FBI is trying to figure that out. She obviously just made it up but then again Kate—

KATE HANFORD

Yes?

LEVINE

Well, Kate I–

KATE HANFORD

Yes?

LEVINE

Well, there is no way she would have any way of knowing it but—

KATE

John, just go on, I’m your friend—

LEVINE

Well, the fact is that she was right. I am gay… but I don’t have flat feet. That’s not true. (beat) I have a boyfriend. He, Christopher, has been living with me for six months…and I’ve kept it secret. Its killing me, Kate it has been absolutely kill—

KATE HANFORD

–Oh so the phone calls. The cat sitter? Now it all makes sense.

LEVINE

Yes, ha. I don’t even have a cat except for Chris, he is a pretty cool cat. You know, I am really proud of him. In six months, he’ll have a law degree…wants to be a public defender though…don’t know how that’ll work—

KATE HANFORD

Well, it’ll all work out I’m sure…so when do I get to meet your sweetheart?

LEVINE

Soon and you know what else, he is so handsome, so smart and he can cook too!

KATE HANFORD

So John?

LEVINE

Yes?

KATE HANFORD

I’ve got a secret, too. (beat) I’m gay. I have a girlfriend. (beat) But…we don’t live together…yet.

LEVINE

Well, I always sort of…well, I kind of thought—

KATE HANFORD

Why? You think I’m a little butch, huh?

LEVINE

Well, no, they uh say that it takes one to know one. So, your girlfriend? Is she out?

KATE HANFORD

Yes, totally.

LEVINE

And I suppose she wants you to come out too.

KATE HANFORD

Of course.

LEVINE

Well, same with Christopher….we should have dinner and talk about it.

KATE HANFORD

Sounds good.

LEVINE

Say Kate?

KATE HANFORD

Yes?

LEVINE

Maybe we should both come out…together.

KATE HANFORD

Hmm….that’s an idea. They would have to fire the both of us.

LEVINE

Yes,  they would. (beat) They sure would.

(PETERSON enters)

Well, it looks like you too are really bonding! Working cases together will do that.

KATE HANFORD

Sure will.

LEVINE

Yes.

PETERSON

I had to laugh, John. The chief got a laugh about our psycho bondage woman calling you a flatfooted faggot. Imagine…John LEVINE gay! What self-respecting gay could ever even be seen in public with a man with a face like yours.

LEVINE

Ha, yeah DIRK and I don’t have flat-feet either.

PETERSON

So anyway fellas, I gotta run. Chief wants me on this other Red Ball.

KATE

Oh the Boy’s Latin case…the lacrosse player?

PETERSON

Yes, looks like it might be a homicide after all—

LEVINE

All right then

KATE

See ya, DIRK

(DIRK exits)

(Cont’d)

So John?

LEVINE

Yes?

KATE

So, nothing on the letter. We know that. Expect we do have the content. All along you have been assuming that it came from the murderer—

LEVINE

Well no, of course, it could have just been written by some whacko—

KATE

Or…and this is just intuition—

LEVINE

There you go again with your damn feminine intuition…but yes go on, I have to admit your intuition has served you well.

KATE

Well, remember your mystery bartender…the one who disappeared….the one who was 5’10”?  Well…I think it came from him.

LEVINE

Why?

KATE

Just intuition but—

LEVINE

But he can’t be involved, he is a man!

KATE

Yes, but maybe he is a female impersonator—

LEVINE

Naw…we got a clear make that the Bondage Murder Mistress is indeed a mistress. (long pause) But then again….Kate, did you see Pink Flamingoes?

KATE

Uh yeah sure—

LEVINE

Well, yes that woman in the park…no one would have ever known. (beat) But the last we heard the guy skipped town.

KATE

Well, maybe the guy skipped town. Or maybe—  maybe the guy is right her in Baltimore…he could be right here right under our nose…maybe even living as a woman

LEVINE

Oh yeah just like that guy Robert Durst!

KATE

Robert Durst?

LEVINE

Yeah you know the guy who confessed on that documentary on HBO?

KATE

HBO?

LEVINE

HBO! Home Box Office!

KATE

Home—

LEVINE

Oh right! Never mind. I keep forgetting that this is still 1979.

KATE

John, are you feeling okay?

LEVINE

Well…I have been under a lot of stress—

KATE

Sometimes I really worry about you, John. Anyway, we should go back out and re-interview this guy’s neighbors…I should interview some of the guy’s neighbors.

LEVINE

Excellent idea, Kate, let’s go.

(black out then lights up)

(PETERSON enters)

PETERSON

So I hear you fellas got a new lead?

KATE

DIRK, would you stop calling us fellas!

PETERSON

Oh, sorry Kate, I—

KATE

Apology accepted. So anyway yeah, I talked to this guy’s neighbors—you know the bartender who disappeared—well, she explained that the walls were so thin that when he had company you could hear every word but at least a couple of times when it was obvious he was alone, she would notice a woman leaving the apartment, she never got a good look at her but could only describe her as being tall and once the neighbor said she was a blonde and another time a redhead. 

LEVINE

Another guy said he saw a tall redhead leaving the apartment early in the morning which he said struck him as odd because he thought the guy was gay.

PETERSON

Like I told you when you first mentioned the bartender, mister machine Levine,  the mystery bartender is your prime suspect.

LEVINE

Sure looks like it!

KATE

So, guys, we got to make sure that this information is kept under wraps. Can’t let Epstein get a hold of it. Wait no! Just the opposite, let’s get an artist rendering… one as a male… then we could have our artist do another as a woman…what the guy might look like as a woman. Then ask for the public’s help.

LEVINE

Brilliant!

PETERSON

Yes, great idea, Detective Hanford!

KATE

One other thing though. We should get another artist, other than our own Bernard who did our Mystery Woman sketch, to do it…. just to make sure that images of the mystery woman doesn’t subconsciously transfer to the new sketch.

PETERSON

Kate, you are indeed brilliant. So, let’s get Williams over at the Park Circle precinct. He’s excellent!

KATE

Yes, he’s good, great!

LEVINE

Agreed. I’ll give him a call.

(blackout)

(LEVINE, PETERSON and KATE HANFORD are huddled together looking at two artist sketches)

KATE

Well, I don’t know.

PETERSON

They do look similar yet—

LEVINE

Remember that Williams’ rendering is more artistic than scientific in that he created a woman from the male description. I do think there is some similarity though.

PETERSON

Just too bad none of the neighbors got a good look at this uh, woman.

KATE

Anyway, guys, it doesn’t really matter at this point because we have nothing on either one of them. (beat) So the new sketches are already out to the press?

LEVINE

Yeah. WJZ broke into “The Edge of Night” just an hour ago and is hyping it big league for the five o’clock news.

New dialogue  to resolve THIS STORYLINE

Next Scene November 1979

Next Scene

Fells Point BPD break room

                       (KATE and LEVINE huddled together, both speak barely above a whisper)

LEVINE

So it looks like another holiday in the closet. To be honest, I am not looking forward to it. You got any plans for Thanksgiving?

KATE

You mean besides the Turkey Bowl?

LEVINE

Turkey–?

KATE

The Turkey Bowl, Calvert Hall and Loyola at the Stadium, only been doing it for like 80 years…well they have I think I have been to seven in a row.

LEVINE

But why?  You didn’t go there they’re both boy’s schools, right?

KATE

Yeah but my dad and just about every male in my family went to The Hall. But it’s over by noon, then we or I anyway, I haven’t introduced them to Mare yet, all of us go over to to my dad’s house for dinner…at least since my grandma died…

LEVINE

Oh I am so sorry—

KATE

No no… it’s been awhile so…

LEVINE

So…how long are we going to keep doing this…Christopher is having dinner with his folks and me…Christopher will bring some left overs and we will have a little dinner in the evening…

KATE

Well, maybe you could come a long with us…do the game…the whole nine yards…or ten since we’re talking football…oh by the way, anything new on your mistress…

LEVINE

Not a thing…the sketches turned up nothing…I am thinking we were barking up the wrong tree…at least, the heat is off this case since that Boy’s Latin case became the latest Red Ball…

KATE

Yeah that is so sad…the top scorer in the state the last three years, was going to go on to Hopkins next year  and he collapses on the practice field. They thought it has something to do with heat exhaustion then maybe a heart attack. Then they found out it was nicotine poisoning! And no motives, no suspects…nothing…lucky I am not the primary…

LEVINE

Yeah…you’re up to (looks at board) seventeen in a row now!

KATE

Yup and I owe it all to Dunkin Donuts!

(maybe end of scene)

Next Scene Fells Point White Coffee Pot Restaurant

                                                                           (KATE and LEVINE seated at a booth, Kate looks at the menu while LEVINE’s face is buried in the Baltimore Sun, an elevator music version of Angel in the Morning plays in the din)

KATE

No, I’m not hungry I think I’ll just have coffee…

LEVINE

Yeah,  not much of an appetite either…I could use a bagel though…

KATE

Yeah me too maybe but they don’t have bagels uh

LEVINE

So goyishe this place

KATE

Wrong side of town…that’s what I loved about working the Pimlico district, so many great Jewish deli’s but here?

LEVINE

Yeah the White Coffee Pot and Mussels

KATE

Muscles? You been working out?

LEVINE

No Kate, mussels not muscles as in Eat Bertha’s Mussels

KATE

Oh yeah Bertha E. Bartholomew’s. I remember when I first started seeing that Eat Bertha’s Mussels bumper sticker all over the place. Then I connected it with that bar on the corner…that place has really taken off…. them and Ledbetter’s…old Fell Point is becoming gentrified and even a tourist destination.

LEVINE

Yeah, and that is just going to bring us more problems… say, did you see this?

KATE

See—

LEVINE

Here in the Sun, they just passed a Domestic Partnerhsip law in California that supposedly gives gay couples the same rights as married couples.

KATE

It’s 1981, the times they are changing, indeed…by the way, John, have you…have you heard about this gay cancer going around that they think is being spread with sexual contact?

LEVINE

Of course, yeah, me and Christopher have talked about it a lot and how we don’t have to worry because we are monogamous…

KATE

Yeah, thank God we both are (looking at watch) oh it’s almost 10:00, so you’re not going to order…they do have great Kaiser rolls here so—

LEVINE

I think I’ll need to get one to go…our meeting with the chief is at 10:30, today is the big day!

KATE

Free at last, free at last, thank Gid almighty, we’ll be free at last!

Next Scene

Radio: The O’s will open their 1984 Grapefruit League season next week against the Yankees in Fort Lauderdale. The Birds hope to defend their title by relying on stellar performances by Mike Boddicker, Cal Ripken, Jr., Eddie Murray and Rick Dempsey. We’ll be right back with Charlie Eckman on sports. Ezrine Tire jingle plays

                                                   LEVINE

Did you see the Sunday Sun? Epstein is at it again! Fake news!

                                            KATE HANFORD

Fake uh what? (beat) Anyway no, I was down the Ocean…what was it all about?

                                                  LEVINE

More stuff about how incompetent the department is. I am tired of the lamestream media and the fake news!

                                          KATE HANFORD

Well, I uh…was it fake when he wrote how heroic we were when we both came out together?

                                                 LEVINE

Well… no… I guess not but he is harping about the unsolved Bondage Murder Mistress again. He just won’t let it go!

                                               PETERSON  enters

What’s he whining about now, Kate?

                                           KATE HANFORD

Same old same old, Epstein’s article in the Sunday Sun Magazine, the Bondage Mistress again.

                                              LEVINE

Yes, I am quite aware, Epstein interviewed me for the piece. Bright guy.

                                                LEVINE

Oh Dirk just because he—

                                            PETERSON 

–Yes he did do quite a job detailing my vast knowledge on the history of the emerging DNA technology that may soon help solve many of our cold cases including your mistress and my Arabber

                                        KATE HANFORD

What about the Stations of the Cross case?

                                            PETERSON

I don’t think so… we don’t have any blood but who knows? So, John how long has it been since your mistress struck?

                                                        LEVINE

I don’t even want to think about it. I just hope Epstein will give up the ghost SOMEday.  Anyway, if we do solve the murder because we preserved the blood evidence that’ll show ‘em—

                                            PETERSON

Yeah that’ll show them how brilliant I was because preserving the blood was my idea

                                                 LEVINE

Aw, Dirk—

 Fade

NEXT  SCENE

BCPD Fells Point Station Radio, :The Birds dropped another one last night making this the beginning of this 1986 season the most disastrous

PETERSON  (reading The Baltimore Sun)

Shut that off! Can you believe it. It’s not even May and the Birds are out of it! How can you start a season 0 and 21?

LEVINE

Well, DIRK, you’re only what…14, 15 back of my Yanks and you have five months to make up ground so…say how are you and Christopher getting along now that— 

I assume that It’s been pretty tough only seeing him on weekends but I bet he loves his new job.

PETERSON

Yeah and thank God for Amtrak and my folks having a place in Long Island with Christopher living in that tiny studio…I knew he was smart but the Southern District of New York? I am sending my resume to NYPD remember that asshole I told you about Lenny Briscoe, we worked that neo-Nazi case…. he ll put in a good word for me and if I don’t land with them, I might go into private work, maybe even start my own agency. (phone rings)

Next Scene opening day 1988

(SETTING: The Library Bar at The Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel “What’s Love Got to Do with It” plays on the juke. Dodgers game plays on TV on mute, song ends bartender turns the sound on…Vin Scully: so the Dodgers hope to rebound from their disappointing 1987 season finishing a disappointing 73-89 and fourth in the NL West. They open the season today against their NorCal rival San…”)

SHANAHAN

Hey Bill, could you turn that down?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Not a Dodger fan, huh?

SHANAHAN

No, I’m not from LA. I’m here for the pharmaceutical convention, leaving Monday and you?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Well I live here now… came out from Baltimore.  So, you’re a pharmacist?

SHANAHAN

No. I am a pharma sales rep.

MYSTERY WOMAN

So then, you are a drug dealer?

SHANAHAN

I guess you could say that. Baltimore, eh. What brought you out here?                                                                                                                                               

MYSTERY WOMAN

I was just looking for a more cosmopolitan lifestyle, the Charm City charm wasn’t enough to keep me there and a friend who moved out here in 82 had an extra room so—

SHANAHAN

And what do you do for a liv—

MYSTERY WOMAN–

–I am a uh, I’m a free-lance writer

SHANAHAN

Really?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Yes, still looking for a publisher for my groundbreaking book on feminism and I keep food on the table by writing inane drivel for women’s magazines and, of all things, The Saturday Evening Post.

SHANAHAN

Feminism, huh, so you’re one of those women’s libbers?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Please Mr. Shanahan, is it? Sean Shanahan?  We are no longer referred to as women’s libbers! That is so 1970s!

SHANAHAN

I am so sorry uh…what did you say your name was uh—

MYSTERY WOMAN

I didn’t but you can call me Tiffany…

SHANAHAN

So sorry, uh, Tiffany, I meant no harm, I am actually a liberal Democrat and supported the Equal Rights Amendment and detest that woman uh, Phyliss Schafly?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Schlafly. That woman needs to have the shit beat out of her… but I’m not here to talk

politics, just looking for a good time.                                            

SHANAHAN

We could have a good time!

MYSTERY WOMAN

You wouldn’t happen to have some samples? Quaaludes? Medical marijuana?

SHANAHAN

Medical marijua—?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Oh, never mind. I got some killer sensemilla and my own ludes…let’s get a bottle of Stoli too…

SHANAHAN

Gosh, Tiffany, you are so beautiful…there is something about you, that’s uh, different…I can’t put my finger on it—

MYSTERY WOMAN

No, you can’t, not now anyway—

SHANAHAN

Ha! I’ll put more than a finger on it!  

(Starts to reach under her skirt and grope her)

MYSTERY WOMAN

Whoa buddy, hold off on that! We’re in public! And who do you think you are, Donald Fucking Trump?

SHANAHAN

Donald uh who?

MYSTERY WOMAN

I see you are not from New York…so one more round and…

Blackout

Next Scene Fells Point BPD

PETERSON

Hey, did you hear about this new hire?

LEVINE

New—

PETERSON

Yes, the new Chief of Forensics, a DNA expert. His name is, get this, Paul Holes—

LEVINE

Holtz or holes? Like the eighteenth—

PETERSON
—Yes, the latter (spells) h o l e s…he will be going through all the cold cases where he may establish a DNA link and—

LEVINE

Well, he may be a lot of help since my cold cases have so many holes…

PETERSON

You know I never told you this but when the Arabber came in…I had read somewhere that they might be able to get DNA off a coffee cup, so I saved the cup he was drinking from but I went a step further, remember how the guy used to like slobber when he talked…ill-fitting dentures or whatever…well, once he was slobbering excessively, I lent him my handkerchief…I made sure I got it back, of course, and I preserved it.

LEVINE

Dirk, you are truly a genius.

PETERSON

Yes, I am.

(blackout)  

NEXT SCENE Fells Point BPD station Radio: The Birds hope to rebound tonight after their disappointing home opener 12-0 drubbing by the Milwaukee Brewers…whirring fax machine sound…

LEVINE

What’s that?

PETERSON

Looks like it’s our new machine whirring.

LEVINE

Our new mach—

PETERSON

—Our new fax machine, machine.

LEVINE

Facts machine?

PETERSON

Fax..short for facsimile

LEVINE

So, we actually got something coming through?  How do you work that thing?

PETERSON

Just wait for it to come through…

LEVINE

Wouldn’t it be faster if they just sent it over the internet?

PETERSON

Inter—

 LEVINE

 You know email?

PETERSON

E-?

LEVINE

Oh, never mind.

PETERSON

(pulls out cover sheet)

Anyway, look it’s from the LAPD

LEVINE

Los Angeles?

PETERSON

Yes, machine, Los Angeles…(pulls out page one) is there another LA?  Oh, my Lord, you’ll want to take a look at this!

LEVINE

Oh shit, Dirk, what?

PETERSON

Looks like your mistress has struck again… same MO, meets a guy in the bar and his mouth duct taped, found dead handcuffed to the hotel bed—

LEVINE

How do we know it’s not a copycat?

PETERSON

We don’t but it’s been a while, so the public has largely forgotten about our Bondage Murder Mistress and the big thing out on the coast was that Zodiac killer and now they got this new case they refer to as earons—

LEVINE

Ears on what?

PETERSON

 EarONS (spells it) e a r o n s.  The East Area Rapist slash Original Night Stalker…supposedly this guy had raped over fifty woman and murdered maybe a dozen all over the Golden State—

LEVINE

Doesn’t sound so Golden to me—

PETERSON

Yeah, they have a lot of wackos out there in the land of fruits and nuts….

you never know though. So, they have the bartender coming in to get a sketch. They want everything you got on our killer. I guess you better learn how to use the fax machine. Wait, there is another page coming through…(reading fax)

Okay just some contact information and so on…look make a copy and take this over to Holes’ office and let him handle the forensics on this.

NEXT Scene

PETERSON

Anything from Holes yet on the LA forensics on your mistress?

LEVINE

Not a thing, no prints, no blood, there was some semen on the sheets presumed to be from the victim of course but they are testing it to make sure, could take another few months though. Holes was hoping they would get some of the perp’s DNA from a drink cup or even a towel or something but all the hotel towels were gone and the place was wiped completely clean. Holes said our mistress is getting even smarter as she apparently knows all about how DNA works—

PETERSON

Well, looks like she is back to her old tricks. I think we may be hearing from her again and maybe sooner than we think. 

NEXT SCENE Hotel Room

MYSTERY WOMAN and MAN on sofa MYSTERY WOMAN in bra and panties MAN still fully dressed

MAN Where did you get this blow, this shit is great

(MYSTERY WOMAN unzips man’s pants and goes down on him)

MYSTERY WOMAN                                                                                                          Mmmmm yeah, stops and inhales a popper.

MAN                                                                                                                                               What’s that?

MYSTERY WOMAN                                                                                                                Poppers, man, amyl nitrate here try some…

MAN                                                                                                                                   oh wow that’s uh… oh wow

MYSTERY WOMAN                                                                                                                  Mmmmmmm yeah love poppers

(MAN reaches down and tugs at MYSTERY WOMAN’s panties)

MYSTERY WOMAN                                                                                                              No no no, don’t do that…it’s my time of the—

MAN                                                                                                                                                    —I don’t care

MYSTERY WOMAN                                                                                                               But…I do…stop it

MAN                                                                                                                              C’mon babe we may never see each other again (persists tugging at panties)

MYSTERY WOMAN                                                                                                        No just no! Get off!

MAN

What have you got going on down there? A whole box of Kotex?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Get your fucking hands off! (tries to push him away, MAN rips off panties)

MAN

You’re a uh! You bastard!  (punches MYSTERY WOMAN in the mouth) You fucking son of bitch, cocksucker (Continues beating her.  MYSTERY WOMAN grabs a pistol from her purse, man grabs the gun and empties a full round into her, killing her instantly)

Blackout

NEXT SCENE

BCPD Fells Point Station

TV In a stunning development in what has been known for years in Baltimore as the unsolved Bondage Mistress Murders, the apparent murderer was killed with her own 22 caliber weapon by a man who may have been fated to become her sixth or seventh victim.

LEVINE

Wait, what, how?

PETERSON

Shoosh, just listen

TV

LA police now have confirmed to WBAL News that the murderer’s purse was found to have contained duct tape, handcuffs and a vial of what is believed to be some type of poison. In another stunning development, LA police reveal that….(TV reception is lost)

PETERSON (fiddles with rabbit ears)

Damn, this TV…and why are we getting this from the Teeeee Veeeee, damn arrogant bastards out there!

(phone rings)

LEVINE

Homicide…yes okay thanks detective…that was Holes, he says he is calling the LAPD ME now…says it could be months before we know for sure but…

(blackout)

LEVINE

Well, thanks Dirk, if you hadn’t preserved the blood, we would have never known.

PETERSON

Don’t thank me, thank Watson and Crick…

 (Picks up the LA Times)

So that’s it? I would I have never believed it, all the witnesses always remarked how stunningly beautiful uh… she… uh was.

LEVINE

Yes, apparently, she was a real knockout. Jesus A Christ!  Reminds me a lot of Dog Day Afternoon… but the funny uh, the ironic thing is she had already booked a trip to Costa Rica.

PETERSON

Costa Rica, what? Why?

LEVINE

That’s where they go now since Hopkins—

PETERSON

–Oh yeah gotcha.

Next Scene

(KATE sits at a kitchen table stirring a cup of tea, she appears to be about eight months pregnant)

Female Voice OS

Katie Sweetie, come on back to bed, you need your beauty sleep, the baby needs you to get your rest too…

(blackout)

Next scene

(Bare stage lights up center stage PETERSON standing alone)

PETERSON

Okay, listen up everybody we just had two uniforms shot on Greenmount Avenue, they are being rushed to JHH as we speak but (beat) they aren’t expected to make it (yelling, cursing from voices OS) okay come on, listen up people, (still murmuring who? Who?) Look, I don’t want the names given out until we notify the families but this is going to be a major Red Ball and we need all hands on deck, McNulty, you are the primary, Donovan, I want you to be the eyes and ears to the forensics team, Ameche, (lights begin to fade) I want you to be my liaison to the ME, Marchetti[4], I want you with McNulty.  (detectives still murmuring) We have set up a perimeter at Greenmount and North Avenue (blackout on Peterson)

OS

We are with you chief!

OS

Okay thanks Captain Peterson

OS PETERSON (with strong conviction)

No Baltimore police officer murder case has ever remained unsolved in Baltimore Police Department history let alone two and it is not about to happen on my watch.

OS

We hear you, captain!

OS

Okay chief!

Final Scene

                                                                                    (a vacant high rise apartment someone has left a radio playing, Streets of Baltimore instrumental fades, then “it is another unseasonably hot and humid May day here in your Nation’s Capital. The Supreme Court handed down another major decision on Gay Rights yesterday as the High Court ruled in a 6–3 decision that a state constitutional amendment in which had outlawed  protected status based upon sexual preference did not satisfy the Equal Protection Clause of the US Constitution. In sports, the Orioles won again and are off to a promising 24 and 18 start to the 1996 season after trouncing the Angels 13-1 at Camden Yards)

PETERSON (turning radio off) 

I guess they haven’t finished cleaning (walks toward balcony window). Would you look at that view…just look at our city…I think I can see all the way to Fells Point!

CHRISTOPHER

We are facing south; can’t you see that is the Jefferson Memorial—

LEVINE

Well, of course, I was just thinking how far we have come…I mean I don’t believe any of this…we were hiding in the closet and now—

CHRISTOPHER

And now we close on this beautiful condo the same day we win a landmark decision on gay rights and

LEVINE

–you being a major part of it

CHRISTOPHER

Yes, I pinch myself every time I realize I am clerking for Ruth Bader Ginsburg!

LEVINE

I am no expert on jurisprudence but I think she is going to be one of the great ones!

CHRISTOPHER

Totally agree, she is brilliant….

LEVINE

Still can’t believe any of this including the fact that I will be spending my Golden Years being a house husband and changing little Dirk’s diapers—

CHRISTIOHER

Oh, come on, hon, you know I pitch in when I can and my mom too, she is just thrilled to finally have a grandson…oh you know we have to pick him up at one, mom’s got her bridge game and I have to head back to work, I need to work on some briefs.  (beat) But hon, you are not a househusband, you are an author, in fact, I was thinking we should hire a nanny—we can afford it—and that would give you more time to write…so how is it coming along? Do you have a title yet?

LEVINE

Yeah, I am thinking Homicide colon an insider’s look at the killing streets of Baltimore.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, it’s long and won’t it conjure up visions of the song?

LEVINE

–the song?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, you know, Bobby Bare, Gram Parsons, Emmylou Harris?

LEVINE

Yeah, I guess for the people who still listen to that shitkicker sh uh stuff.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh man that stuff is the greatest, that and bluegrass and you know Emmylou got her start right here in Georgetown?

LEVINE

I did not know that but you can have your Emmylou and I will stick with my Miles Davis.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay well uh (beat) writing that book… doesn’t it make you miss those days?

LEVINE

Oh yeah sure I do… but I don’t miss all those sleepless nights trying to figure out how to close those cold case Red Balls, that Bondage Lady had me going for years and that Epstein guy was on my case the whole time…

CHRISTOPHER

Oh yeah the Sun writer. You know he is working for the Washington Post now, right?

LEVINE

Couldn’t care less…don’t have to worry about that jerk anymore…

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, I meant to tell you. I ran across something on your mistress the other day. You remember the creep who killed her? (beat) He put up this fercockta gay panic defense? Well, it didn’t get him off but the jury pretty much drank the kool aid and convicted him of man two and, get this, 90 days community service, got the trial heard by  this really right wing Orange County jury who basically let him off Scot free but to top it all off a  couple years later, the no good SOB decides he doesn’t want the conviction on his record and appeals it and the Appeals Court sides with him! So that’s being appealed, and the case could even wind up here. ((beat) Of course, this woman was a serial killer, but she didn’t deserve to be executed… not in that brutal manner for certain…

LEVINE

You know it’s weird but I have been reading up on her, researching for the book and the more I read, the more I feel some sort of strange sympathy for her. Turns out she was brilliant. She had articles published by the Saturday Evening Post, Ladies Home Journal and McCall’s, really tepid innocuous stuff on gardening, diet, travel, stuff like that… you would never believe this was the same woman killing people…killing Johns really…not saying they deserved to die either but (beat) she published under the pen name of Tiffany Taylor…then she had some more meaty stuff rejected by The Nation, the New Yorker, The Atlantic and so on that she submitted under her legal name which was, get this! Elizabeth Cady Roosevelt!

CHRSTOPHER

Elizabeth Cady…? What? How did she uh get a—

LEVINE

C’mon Chris the same way she came up with Tiffany Taylor, she just—

CHRISTOPHER

Oh yes of course…

LEVINE

And really sad…I read she had all the money saved and was ready to go to Costa Rica when…it’s just sad, that’s all (beat) of course, life in prison would have not have exactly been a uh—

CHRISTOPHER

A walk in the park…but it is sad…. just a tragedy all the way around…

(both walk out to the balcony)

CHRISTOPHER

Warm out here…

LEVINE

Warm and beautiful…look at our beautiful city…and it’s all happening here…it’s all going to happen here, and my sweet prince is all a part of it…

(They embrace)

CHRISTOPHER

 A new day is dawning.

LEVINE

It is…indeed, it is.

(end of play)


[1] According to wiki, the first known ricin murder was September 1978 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incidents_involving_ricin

[2] For my own clarification, the four murders occurred at The Mt. Vernon Inn, the Holiday Inn downtown, the Towson Towne Inn (in Baltimore County out of city jurisdiction) and now in Ocean City

[3] https://youtu.be/ccy2x-JEoGc

[4] Fun fact Art Donovan, Alan Ameche and Gino Marchetti were teammates on the 58-59 champion Baltimore Colts and stated the fast food hamburger chain Gino’s McNulty was the star detective in The Wire.  Donavan opened up a liquor store where we lived in Towson and we used to buy beer from him. Natty Bohs, of course

Slouching Towards Catonsville: A Baltimore Bildungsroman (Rewrite)

Slouching Towards Catonsville

 by

h nicole anderson

College Writing 130

Professor Larkin

April 11, 2014

This a fictional piece based on an actual event.
Baltimore 1968

Unlike many of my girlfriends, I hadn’t dated Black guys.

 William was a tall, athletic, handsome young African-American—chestnut brown skin with a short ‘fro—he wore a white V-neck cashmere sweater, khakis with loafers and no socks and really cool Foster Grant sunglasses and I didn’t think giving him a ride downtown in my Firebird convertible on a sunny Sunday would be a problem.

Not even with the top down.

Not even in racist sixties Baltimore.

The jaunt was uneventful until we reached East Baltimore Street— downtown just east of the Civic Center—where I had seen Sly and the Family Stone just weeks prior when some of the departing crowd had taken to breaking windows and looting. Occasional urban unrest was becoming normal in Charm City.

“It sure is pretty out, Will,”

“It’s William.” He said a bit tersely.

“Oh, sorry,” I said—remembering that many African-Americans did not cotton to diminutives. “I wonder where everybody is.”

Downtown was deserted.

“Don’t know. Hey hon, got any smokes?”

“I just bought a carton at Read’s… I think they’re in the trunk.”

With no traffic, I didn’t see any problem stopping in the left lane of the four-lane one-way street, even though it was a “No Stopping or Standing Anytime” zone.

All of the sudden, this middle-aged white guy in a Chevy Cavalier pulls right up to my bumper and starts honking his horn. “Move it!” I looked at William, like what the fuck? We just sat there laughing.

“Move it lady! Move it now!”

William gave him the finger.

The guy— short, with a beer-belly and wearing a polo shirt with a badge that read Daniel Davis, DeMolay, Cincinnati, Ohio on it— got out of his car but wasn’t quite stupid enough to approach us. He just stood there by his car yelling. “If you don’t move it now, I’m gonna—”

“You’re gonna what?” William laughed, got out and stood by the passenger-side car door

“I’m gonna—look, just move the damn car, n****r-lover!”

William started back toward DeMolay Guy.

Up until then, we were having fun pissing off this ofay from Cincinnati but now things were getting ugly. I snapped out of my seat, ran over and grabbed William by the hand.

“William, come on, get back in the car.” Just then, I heard sirens. In a matter of a minute, we were surrounded by a phalanx of Baltimore Police in full riot gear.  

“Man, where did all these cops come from?”  William said, back in the car.

There must have been over a hundred of them, helmets, billy clubs, the whole nine yards.

It didn’t take long for the police to figure out that a race riot was not about to break out so the Riot Squad began to disperse and a police sergeant –a tall, middle-aged light-skinned African-American  man with a shock of gray hair—came over to speak with me. I explained to him that I had merely pulled over to get something out of the trunk and the real issue was that this white guy had a problem with me having a black guy in the car.

“And to top it all off, he called me a blankety-blank lover.”

“Miss, I am awfully sorry that happened to you. Now you be on your way. I’ll take care of the little fuck ofay.”

I wanted to say, “Did you just call DeMolay Guy a little fuck ofay?”  But  just said, “Okay but I’m going to grab those smokes.”

As I opened the trunk, little fuck ofay looked like he was going to wet his Fruit-of-the-Looms as the officer lectured him, and then asked to see his driver’s license. I went on my way thinking that I ruled the world—that portion of it that rested within the friendly confines of Baltimore City at least. 

On the way home, I treated William to a plate of crabs at Bo Brooks. Life was good.

When I arrived home, I started thinking about how my attitude about race had changed and wondered what my Aunt Jo would have thought had she been a fly resting on my rear-view mirror.

  “Good morning, Aunt Jo.”

Aunt Jo would often come over to help out around the house when my mom would need to rest up after one of her nervous spells.

“What would you like for breakfast, dear?  Got some nice scrapple—”

“I don’t know, scrapple sounds good but—”

Back then, scrapple did sound good and a perfectly normal thing to consume but being a messy conglomeration of congealed corn mush, pig snouts, pig lips, pig feet and Lord knows what else, it’s not something that I would dream of eating today but I ate it then and it was good.

I glanced up from the Sun headline: “Yankees Purchase Negro Star Catcher from Toronto.” Although I had barely graduated kindergarten, I read the Baltimore Sun every day. 

“I dunno, Aunt Jo,” reflecting that the Orioles who finished dead last their first year here could only improve if they added a black player. 

 “Maybe just some milk toast.”

I usually read the comics first; Lil Abner, Maggie and Jiggs, and Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller.  Then I would read the sports. Uncle Shorty had already instilled in me a love for the Orioles and hatred for the Yankees. 

Unlike Uncle Shorty—who was my maternal grandmother’s boyfriend—Aunt Jo really was related but I never knew the exact relationship except that she was on my mother’s side. She was a widow, maybe in her late 50s then with naturally curly gray hair and a face which was said to be “the map of Ireland.” I use that description because I can’t quite remember exactly how her face looked and that’s about as good a description as any. Aunt Jo was a devout Catholic, not real smart unlike most of the other women on my mother’s side and somewhat provincial in her thinking.

“Aunt Jo, why weren’t we born black?”

“Because we’re Catholic, dear.”

 My young mind thought this made sense because only white—or nearly white—people went to Mass at St. Matthew’s, the Catholic church that served the spanking-brand-new tract of red brick row houses known as Foxcroft.

Not all the people at Mass were normal like us though. There were some who were a little darker even in the wintertime. Some of the boys who were not yet teenagers had mustaches already and their hair was greasy even without Vaseline Hair Tonic.  There were also two hunchbacks, one was an older usher and there was another young hunchback who came to High Mass.  Neither one of them lived very long.

Once, I heard Uncle Asa—my Dad’s younger brother —refer to one of the darker ones as a guinea greaseball—not nice but nothing compared to the way people talked about blacks in Baltimore.  Darkies, spooks, spades, coons— and the worst word of all.

”Why can’t we say n*****r, Aunt Jo?”

“Oh, hon!” Aunt Jo always called me hon or dear as if she didn’t know what my name was.

“You can’t never use that word. Don’t you know that’s how your cousin Mike lost his front tooth saying that?”

No, I didn’t. I wondered how saying a word—even a really bad one like that— could make you lose a tooth.  I thought maybe it was a punishment from God.

“Aunt Jo, did God punish Mike by making his tooth fall out?”

“No, hon,” she snickered as she took the pan of milk off the stove and scraped the burnt off my toast.

“Mike called one of the coloreds” —the way she said it, it sounded like kellereds—“ the bad word in front of Read’s—”

Auntie placed my milk toast on the table.

“—and the kellered knocked Mike’s tooth out.”

I remembered thinking as the warm buttery milky bread lingered on my tongue and slid down my throat without even chewing that I would never utter that word. Little did I know then that years later, I would be called a n*****r-lover.

As I fiddled with my milk toast, the doorbell rang.

 I still had more questions but had to wait for Aunt Jo to fend off a gaggle of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

“I just wish those people would leave us—”

 “How come there are no bad words for us, Aunt Joe? Is it because we’re normal?”

We were, after all, normal. We had normal faces, normal hair, normal noses, talked normal and we even had normal names like Henderson, Smith, Collins, Jones and Johnson but, then again, I wondered why blacks had those names too. Some of our cousins had names that were not so normal like McGillicutty or O’Hara.

On my mother’s side were the Riders. A very normal name, except I learned many years later that it was really Reuter. Not so normal. Of course, it was a perfectly normal German name being that my great-great-great grandfather who came over from Hesse in 1850 was the one who had it.

“Well yes, we are normal but still there must be some bad names for us?” I asked as I poked at the last piece of soggy toast.

“Well— maybe.” 

“What are they, Aunt Jo?”

“Look, I really don’t know maybe you should ask your mother.”

Mom would not tell me either.

Later I found out the main bad word for us was Mick, which really didn’t seem so bad since one of the most beloved icons of the day was Mickey Mouse and the most famous child actor was Mickey Rooney and later the great rock star Mick Jagger would become a hero to us all.

 I also found out that we could be called Krauts for the German side which was never talked about for some reason. I thought that maybe it was because there was no German St. Paddy’s Day when people could wear T-shirts that said, “Kiss me, I’m a Kraut.”

So, I thought yes being Catholic and Irish and maybe even the not-much-talked-about German was normal and everyone else, especially the blacks, were not normal. Otherwise, why would all the dogs bark when the black Arabbers would come up the alley way selling topsoil and stuff?

“Why do all of the dogs bark when colored people come around, Aunt Jo?”

“Because they are trying to protect us from them, dear.”

I was afraid to ask from what, so remembering what the Baltimore Catechism said about God loving everyone, I asked.

“Does God love the coloreds, Aunt Jo?”

“Yes, He does, hon.”

“Then we should love the coloreds too?”

“Yes, you should dear but you should feel sorry for them.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s not their fault they were born black.”

“Oh.”

All these things I pondered as I sat in Sister Claudia’s seventh grade class where she took it upon herself to pontificate on Freedom Riders being arrested in Mississippi.  I thought about how stupid I was then and how much I missed Aunt Jo—she had died of cancer a few months prior— and her silly, offbeat  but charming view of the world.  And I wondered what she would have thought about Mississippi.  Then Sister Claudia’s sharp staccato jolted me back to the stuffiness of the St. Mathew’s classroom.

“We have enough problems up here to worry about. They have no business going down there and stirring up trouble. They deserve to be arrested—I hope they rot in jail. “

Most of the boys, nattily attired with starched white button-down shirts but not-so-natty green knit ties with S.M.S. emblazoned upon them, and most of the girls in our green jumpers and beanies did not seem to care that much or understand the significance of Sister Claudia’s bigotry.

Remembering what Aunt Jo said, I thought that going down to Mississippi to help blacks get their freedom was the correct thing to do but Sister Claudia was right too. We did have problems in our own backyard as Jim Crow was not confined to Mississippi. He was still alive—albeit a little less virulently— in Baltimore but no one seemed to want to do much about until I got to high school.

___________________________________________________________________________

I had just gotten home from Mercy High and was in the living room studying algebra when I heard them all coming up the steps.

“But it’s really not right that they can’t even go to see a movie—” I heard my mom say as she opened the front door.

“Yeah, but do you really want to go swimming with them?”

“They say they don’t have to let them in at Beaver Dam because it’s considered a private club.”

Mom, Grandma Rider and Uncle Shorty had just returned from the Northwood Shopping Center where a group of students from Morgan State College were picketing the movie theater and the barber shop.

 “Oh, I was wondering about that. I guess that’s how they keep the Jews out.” Grandma said revealing her anti-Semitic bent.

“And how do they expect the white barbers to cut that steel wool?” Shorty wondered.

“It’s not steel wool.” Mom replied.

“Oh, what are you gonna do, soon they’ll be taking over everything.” Shorty said, “I guess we just have to live with it.”

“Live with them? So far, they haven’t even made it up much past North Avenue.”

“Yeah, I guess it’ll be a while before they try to move to Foxcroft.”

The nuns at Mercy High were not quite as severe as the School Sisters of Notre Dame had been at St. Matthews. This is not to say they were not strict, however. We weren’t allowed to wear any makeup and, like the nuns at St. Matthews, they referred to the girls who went to public school as the “dirty skirts.” The Mercy uniforms were nicer than the ugly green jumpsuits we wore in grade school. A plain white blouse and a beige skirt that fell just below the knees. And no ugly beanie.  And while  I did not particularly care for the bobby sox they made us wear,  I liked being in class without boys.

And I did well that first year, almost all A’s.

__________________________________________________________________________

In August of the following summer,  I was getting ready for another school year when I heard from one of my friends  at  Calvert Hall, the boy’s Catholic high school, that some of the inner-city churches were organizing bus trips for this massive rally that was to happen in Washington DC in a couple weeks.

“Mom, Jimmy Clark has invited me to go on a bus trip to Washington DC.”

“That’s nice, hon — what for?” She kept ironing.

“They’re gonna have a rally for Civil Rights and I heard Joan Baez is singing.”

“That sounds nice, dear.”

“I need $5 for the bus fare and a box lunch.” 

“Who else is going to be there?”

“Oh, that guy Martin Luther King is going to speak. Can I get the $5?”

Mom stopped ironing. “Absolutely not. You’ll not get involved with all those hooligans.”

“But mom —”

“No! I said no. Your father would have a heart attack.”

I went anyway. I didn’t see or hear Joan Baez. In fact, way back in the mall, I could barely see Lincoln. But I heard King—something about having a dream—and then Marian Anderson led thousands of us in song.

“We shall live in peace, we shall live in peace,                                                                                                                

We shall live in peace someday,

Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,

We shall live in peace someday”

I knew then that I had to do something to help blacks get their rights so we wouldn’t have to feel sorry for them anymore.

My father did not have a heart attack. In fact, I don’t even remember if I got punished.

____________________________________________________________________________

A scant three months later, I was in chemistry class when suddenly a lecture on the periodic table was interrupted by the sound of a radio newscast coming over the intercom. We all giggled thinking it was a mistake. It wasn’t.  “The president  is being transported to Parkland Memorial and should be arriving there momentarily, Keith—“ Everyone looked at each other quizzically trying to sort out what was happening then it became all too clear.

“To recap, the president was shot in Dallas shortly after noon today while riding with his wife and Texas Governor Connolly—” 

After November 1963, my sophomore year, my grades began to fall. Not that I am blaming Lee Harvey Oswald, mind you, but something inside me died that November day.

A sense of hope for the future. That we could change things.

That I could do anything meaningful to change things.

Going into my junior year, I began thinking seriously about a career. My grades in math and science did not improve but I was getting A’s and B’s in all the humanities and teachers continued to praise my writing skills. Maybe I could become a lawyer. Maybe even run for some public office.  I was also trying to play the guitar and sing but I had no real ambition to become the next Joan Baez but, then again, I did feel like I could contribute to the movement if I could learn how to play “We Shall Overcome” and “Blowing in the Wind”. 

I was becoming your quintessential armchair activist. 

________________________________________________________________________

“It’s in F, don’t know you know how to play in F?” Greg said— a really cute but somewhat arrogant guy—he made it point to let everyone in the Songwriter’s Circle know who he was.

“Greg Keane? No Kihn, K-I-H-N.”

He was the only one in the Songwriter’s Circle who had actually written what you could call a real song, something about love being in jeopardy as I recall.

“No I only know three chords G, C and D but I have a capo.”

Yes he was a bit arrogant but he took the time to show me how to play “Banks of the Ohio.”

“What about “We Shall Overcome?”

“No, you need minor chords for that, hon.”

He showed me A minor and E minor .

“They go with the key of G and sometimes you need B minor too and you should learn A. Learn those chords and you will be able to play almost any song.”

So, I think I really began to learn to play the guitar that day but that was not all I learned.

“Hey hon, wanna get high?” This other guy asked?

“Get high?”

“Yeah, I got some pot?”

“Why not?”

So we went outside and I smoked my first joint. I felt really mellow and grown up. I was becoming the real me, I thought. 

We only had the room at the Emmanuel Lutheran until five so when we got back in, everybody was packing up. One of Greg’s friends invited everyone to a party. So we went to his house where there was more pot and Boone’s Farm and someone had some Yago Sangria which I loved.  We ran out of papers so someone made a pipe out of a cucumber. That’s about the last thing I remember except some guy trying to put his hand under my skirt after he gave me a lift home. 

During that summer, we moved to a new home in Towson and, with the house payments, my dad could no longer afford to send me to Catholic school. So, I transferred to co-ed Towson High.

With the distraction of having boys in class and a different (boring) curriculum, my grades started to suffer even more and my dream of winning a college scholarship like my older brother soon faded.  On top of that, the family seemed to be falling apart. My mom’s mental condition worsened with Aunt Jo not around to help and Grandma Rider, her mother, being diagnosed and later hospitalized with terminal colon cancer. 

So even if I got accepted into a decent college, my parents couldn’t help.  In fact, I found myself having to work my way through high school. During the summer before my senior year, I had gotten the job selling newspaper subscriptions door-to-door for the Baltimore Sun, the only female hired in that position. I became a top salesperson and I continued to work on Saturdays throughout the school year.

During spring break of my senior year, I remember sitting in the living room on Good Friday feeling like I was becoming a fallen away Catholic because I no longer did the Stations of the Cross as I had done every year while in Catholic school. Not only that but I started feeling verklempt about not carrying out my calling: helping the less fortunate. Now, it seems, I had a hard enough time just worrying about how to take care of myself. 

 The doorbell rang.

“Is the lady of the house in?”

“Sure, come on in.” I called my mother.

“The publishers of Time Magazine are running a special promotion to help young ladies like myself work their way through college—”

“How nice of them—” My mother interrupted.

The young lady explained that she the magazines made most of their money from advertising.

“Because of that, I will be able to provide you and yours with Ladies Home Journal, McCall’s, Life, Better Homes & Garden, the Saturday Evening Post and Time — all for free if only you would agree to pay for the postage.”

“The Saturday Evening Post too? Oh I love Norman Rockwell’s covers—”

“Yes ma’am. The Saturday Evening Post too and I will even throw in Boy’s Life if you have any young lads in the home.”

“Oh I do! Sign me up.”

My mother wound up buying $129 worth of free magazines.  I thought to myself that this beats selling The Sun door-to-door. I asked for the nice young lady for her card.

I graduated from Towson High with a C minus average and found myself selling magazines door-to-door a month later. I had intended to eventually try to work my way through college and later registered at Catonsville Community College but never went to classes.  Again, I became a top salesperson doubling the production of some of the guys.  Soon, the boss wanted me to try my hand at closing. The telephone solicitors—all women—would produce leads and I would simply go to the door and get them to sign the sales order and collect the down payment. Doing that, I could triple my salary but I needed a car. The boss, Mr. Tucker, let me drive an old Ford Fairlane sedan with hardly any brakes and bald-headed tires. But it got me to the customer’s houses and I started making real money.

My father— a salesman at A D Anderson’s Oldsmobile-Pontiac—had never been around the house much.  Lately though, he was around even less than usual  but he caught me leaving early one Saturday morning  in the “deathtrap” as my mother called it.

“I don’t want you driving that piece of shit. With the money you’re making I can put you in a brand-new Firebird.  You can even have a convertible if you want.”

  A week later, I was driving a brand-new 1969 canary yellow Firebird convertible. Ironically, the Firebird and not the junker would nearly become a deathtrap. 

With the full-time job and other responsibilities, I found myself working more and partying less. This is not to say that I had become a teetotaler, however. I regularly would drink and drive. I got pulled over a couple times but being white and blonde and knowing how to flirt, the cops would always let me go. The worst thing that ever happened was when the cops caught us drinking on the side of the road and confiscated a whole case of beer we had in the trunk.  I was beginning to learn that the rules did not apply to me.

___________________________________________________________________________

If you stand in the rubble of the Peabody Book Shop and Beer Stube and listen very, very hard to the first winds of autumn, you may hear echoes of a ragtime piano, or H. L. Mencken or F. Scott Fitzgerald ordering another round, or even the slither of the cards as Dantini the Magician performs his magic act for the last time.—Baltimore Sun

Or a certain young lady playing the guitar in the “gemutlichkeit atmosphere” of the Stube backroom with the fireplace, out of tune piano and stuffed moose heads where patrons would warm themselves over a hot mulled wine after passing the musty old books scattered higgledy-piggledy in the front bookstore and art gallery.  

“I’ll pay you $15. You also get two drinks. Be here at eight o’clock.”

Now I was really was somebody. I had a good job, a nice ride and nice clothes. I could get a manicure every week and my hair done regularly. And I was getting paid to sing.

The only thing missing was a love life and although I would occasionally accept a dinner and movie date with some diffident white guy from the suburbs, I had no desire to sleep with any of them. I began to realize that maybe I was attracted to women but it would be quite some time before I would act on those urges. Perhaps, that’s why I turned more and more to drugs to fill the void.

I heard from my gay hairdresser that most of the dyke bars in the city served underage women. So one night, filled with alcohol-fueled fearlessness,  I ventured into Cicero’s, a dyke motorcycle hangout on N. Gay St. The thought of hooking up with any of the women there—with their Butch haircuts and tattoos—scared me about as much as getting close to a guy but I managed to get up the nerve to talk with some of the women and even dance. That’s where I met Rose Kowalczyk .

We never became lovers. Rose and I. But we might just as well have been. She was feminine as far as appearances go. Soft raven hair, dark eyes, not a beauty queen but pretty. Her manner was not butch but just brusque enough to be attractive but not threatening.  And probably most important of all, she loved to drink.  After we met, we spent almost every weekend together, often going out of town:  D.C., The Ocean, Atlantic City. She took me to Boston to visit her friends who took us to see to the local production of One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest. And we went to Manhattan, this time staying with my friends:  A dancer who had a bit part in Hair and an artist who drew for Al Capp They had a loft overlooking the Fillmore East on Second Avenue.

Too bad all this ended so soon.

Just when I started to fancy myself a dyed-in-the-wool-Bohemian-hippie-chick.

______________________________________________________________________________

The dusk to dawn curfew and the ban on alcohol sales will continue at least through Monday, a spokesman for the Mayor announced earlier this afternoon. A similar curfew is expected to remain effect in Baltimore County. However, a spokesman for Harford County announced that the curfew as well as the prohibition on alcohol sales will be lifted there effective 9 am Monday. Meanwhile, unrest continued throughout the city for the third consecutive night following the assassination of Martin Luther King—

I turned down the volume on the Zenith clock radio and called Rose.

“Hey, I just heard that their lifting the ban up in Harford County.”

“Yeah, I was thinking of going up and filling up the trunk. We could hang out at the park later. Maybe get some chicken.”

“No, they don’t expect me back at work either till at least Wednesday.”

“Okay, I’ll come by around ten.”

The next morning, we drove up to Bel Air. We got a couple of fifths of Canadian Club, some Seagram’s  for my mom—she had been mostly a beer drinker but, recently, since Grandma Rider passed, she had gravitated to the harder stuff—some vodka for Rose’s father, some Boone’s Farm, Yago Sangria and  three cases of beer. I dropped off some of the booze at my house, grabbed a blanket and an ice chest, started chilling the beer and the Boone’s Farm, then we drove back to Dundalk to drop off the vodka, bought some KFC and went to chill out at Patterson Park.

We stayed at the park all afternoon under the shade of a pagoda drinking sangria and eating Original Recipe. Rose brought along a little weed to smoke, so we had some reefer. I had a few Black Beauties left over that I had copped from a quack diet-doctor, so we each took a couple after we started to nod out.

We drove back to Dundalk as the sun was setting and Rose’s mother invited me in. We walked into the kitchen. There her father—a tall, gruff man who looked old enough to be her grandfather—sat at the table with his now half-empty quart of Smirnoff’s Blue, a shot glass and a smile.  He did not know much English but I understood him when he asked us to drink with him.

“We drink to peace.”

So for the next couple hours, we drank to peace and just about everything else imaginable.  I recall having to get up to try to find the second floor bathroom and barely being able to navigate up the narrow staircase but then remembering hardly anything else until I woke up in the back of a police cruiser.

On the way home, driving east on Moravia, I ran a red light at Bel Air Road and T-boned a guy driving south. The cops asked me a series of questions and all I remember saying is “I don’t know. I don’t know.” The one thing I do remember is the officer saying that if I had hit the guy a couple more feet to the center, I would have killed him and that, in fact, both of use were lucky to be alive.

 Later, I found out that he had been drinking too which was the only possible explanation I could think of as to why I wasn’t charged with DWI. Both cars were totaled.  He had a couple broken ribs and internal injuries. I was not hurt. I was charged with Reckless Driving Involving an Accident with Bodily Injury, a serious charge that could mean a license suspension but far less serious than DWI.

With no car, I couldn’t go back to work as a closer for the magazine outfit so I worked in the phone room instead. But soon the boss realized that he needed me out in the field. First, he arranged to take care of the traffic ticket for me. A conviction could have meant a license suspension. “Hon, go downtown tomorrow”, he wrote down the address on a sales order form and handed it me, “and give them $50 cash.” Next, Mr. Tucker arranged to get a new Plymouth Satellite leased that I could drive but I had to leave it parked at the office at night. This meant that I no longer had any way to get to Dundalk to visit Rose.

 I went to court on the traffic ticket. The lawyer told me to show up and plead not guilty and not to worry about the rest. And sure enough, when the judge asked me what my plea was, I said “Not guilty.” He said, “Case dismissed” and slammed his gavel down. I remember thinking how rigged the system was and how capable I was capable, of all people, of rigging it. Not only were the Baltimore police on my side but the judiciary as well. Had I never ventured outside the city limits of Baltimore my life might have remained firmly within my control. 

Rose and I continued to talk and once I visited her once in April but the bus ride took four hours each way. By May, I guess we both figured it wasn’t working so we no longer even talked on the phone.

But the phone rang early one morning in June. It was Rose.

“Did you see The Sun yet?”

“No, it’s cloudy up here.”

“No, the Sunpaper, silly.”

“No, I just got up.”

“They shot Bobby. He’s dead.”

“Bobby?”

“Bobby Kennedy. Some foreign guy killed him.”

“Oh man, he was our only hope.”

“Yes.”

“Yeah, hey maybe we can get together when I take vacation and go down The Ocean. I’ll bring my guitar.”

We never did our bus trip to Ocean City. In fact, June 7, 1968 was the last time we talked.

By then, I realized that this country and the world was so fucked up, it was beyond repair and even if it could be fixed, a girl from Baltimore who everyone called hon was the last person in the world who could do much to mend it.

___________________________________________________________________________

Some might remember July 20, 1969 as the day men first walked on the moon, I remember it as the day I ate my first taco.

I had met these two women Joanie and Marilyn who lived up in Harford County. They had been Army brats and lived with their folks near the Aberdeen Proving Grounds.  They had a calming effect on me because neither one of them drank. I would spend weekends up there going to the shore or hanging around the house, barbecuing and watching TV.

“Hey sweetie,” Joanie always called me sweetie, “Have you ever had tacos?”

At the time, there were no Mexican restaurants in Baltimore. “Tacos? Those little do-dads you snack on with your sangria at a Spanish restaurant?”

“No, not tapas, these are Mexican and they’re really good.” So we went to the Super Giant and got all the ingredients.

So while Neil Armstrong enjoyed his first small step, I enjoyed my first small bite—of a taco.

It wasn’t moon landing weekend but it was some Sunday night after that leaving Joanie’s house that I spotted a country & western bar that was advertising a Sunday evening open jam.  I figured I could go in, have a drink and sing with the band. I brought the house down when I sang and everyone started buying me drinks so the one drink became over a dozen. Again, I thought if I popped a Black Beauty or two, it would help me sober up and get home. I remember leaving the bar and buying a half-pint at the package good store but then, rather inexplicably, going next door to the diner to have coffee to sober me up.

I got on I-95 and headed south— I thought. After a few minutes, now sipping on the Jack Daniel’s in the brown paper bag, I noticed a sign:  Philadelphia, 65. I was heading north.  My last recollection inside the car was looking for a place to turn around.

“Your honor, I found a half-pint of whiskey in her car. But she’s not only drunk but I think SHE IS ON DRUGS!”

I was sitting there handcuffed in a room in the private home of a Harford County magistrate.

“But you didn’t find any drugs in the car?”

“No, your honor.”

“I want to call my lawyer.”

“Shut up, bitch, you’re lucky to be alive.”

“What’s that, trooper?” the magistrate asked.

“Just before I pulled her over she almost swerved head on into the bridge abutment at Susquehanna Bend Road.”

The judge looked at me with pity and disgust,  then signed some paper.

“Ok then, thanks trooper.”

“Thank you, your honor.”

I never have figured out why I was taken to a magistrate instead of just being booked directly into jail like they do these days. I was booked for DWI and I also had some unpaid traffic tickets so I needed to come up with about $500 to get out of jail. Not being familiar with the services of bail bondsmen yet apparently, I rotted in jail for three weeks. Well, I can’t say I rotted as it was somewhat of an adventure.

“The one with the anchor tattoo. Don’t mess with her and just do what she says.”

“You mean the one they call ‘Sarge’?”

“Yeah, I think her real name is Debbie. She carries a knife she whittled out of wood.”

I had heard stories of women being raped with broomsticks at these lock-ups but usually in the city not out here in the sticks. 

 I tried calling Uncle Shorty—I knew he would help me—but his line was constantly busy. My father—who I found out later was now spending almost all his free time with a barmaid he was having an affair with— claimed he couldn’t get the money. I know he just wanted me to stay in jail to teach me a lesson but when I told him about Sarge, he bailed me out the next day. Grandma Louise came up with the money.

 Just a week after that, the phone rings, it was my dad.

“I got bad news—“

“Oh?”

“The police found Shorty dead in his apartment. He’d been dead a couple weeks. Norman was just sitting there staring into space.”

 World War I veteran Norman had been lobotomized as a treatment for “shell-shock.” 

“He was already dead when you were calling him.”

A week or so later, my dad calls again.

“You don’t have to say anything—your grandmother passed away last night—she had a heart attack.”

 Everyone from that generation was gone now except for my paternal grandfather who would live another few  years and take a great deal of pride in seeing me advance as a musician.  With ML King gone, what limited civil rights the system would allow blacks to have had already been achieved.  The Summer of Love seemed to have been just yesterday but even that was becoming ancient history. Soon, Elvis would be dead and disco would rule.  And I had little inkling that working my way through college was about to take a thirty year detour.

When my job found about the DWI, I was fired.  Now I had no way to raise any money for a DWI defense—or better yet, to pay off the judge—so I went back up to Harford County and threw myself at the mercy of the court. The judge showed little  mercy and fined me $100, sentenced me to 30 days in jail and revoked my driver’s license. 

They let me out after serving 15 days. Out of a job, I would spend the next few weeks at home reading the want-ads so I was home the night my father spilled the beans that he was having an affair with the night bartender at Love’s, a seafood restaurant just down the street from the car dealership. The revelation escalated into a violent argument culminating in my father hitting my mother in the face bruising her lip. Back then, you didn’t call the cops but when my older brother came home from college the next weekend, he had my mother file papers for a legal separation. My dad moved out of the house and in with the barmaid. 

A couple weeks later, my mother had another nervous breakdown and was admitted to Spring Grove State Mental Hospital. We lost the house. My younger sisters and baby brother moved in with dad and the barmaid, I found a $1.50 hour plus bonus job making appointments for aluminum siding salesmen and rented a $60.00 a month basement apartment on St. Paul Street downtown. But with the $25 that I was now making at The Peabody Beer Stube on Saturday nights, I had more than enough to keep a roof over my head, in Boone’s Farm, pot, acid, mescaline, hash, Stauffer’s frozen dinners, cab fares to Cicero’s. 

In November, the aluminum siding outfit was shut down for scamming customers one of their sales pitches included a spiel that everyone on their block was buying the package because it increased the value of their homes as well as the entire neighborhood and made it less likely that a black family would move in.

I hated telemarketing anyway and decided to see if I could make it as a musician. The Stube booked me for another night and I got a night at The Horse You Came in On in Fells Point which was just then becoming gentrified.

Some guy who heard me play at The Horse—I think he was a lawyer—asked me if I would play at New Year’s Eve party at his house in Dulaney Valley.

“I can pay you $100.”

“Well, yeah sure, I’d love to but I have no way to get there.”

“I can have my son pick you up.”

“It’s a deal.”

_____________________________________________________________________________

December 31, 1969

Playing for thirty or more people was not easy without a PA. I tried getting people to sing along with varying degrees of success. I took a lot of requests—Sweet Caroline, Easy to be Hard— playing some songs two or three times.

“Hey hon, can you play Those Were the Days again?”

Sure.

“Once upon a time there was a tavern
Where we used to raise a glass or two
Remember how we laughed away the hours
And think of all the great things we would do                                                                                         Those were the days my friend
We thought they’d never end
We’d sing and dance forever and a day
We’d live the life we choose
We’d fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la, la la la la, those were the days, oh yes, those were the days.”

At about twenty to twelve, I played one last song as they all wanted to have Guy Lombardo usher in the New Year on TV.

I thought what could be more appropriate to exit  the sixties with than We Shall Overcome?         

I tried to get everyone to so sing but only managed to get one inebriated middle-aged woman to join in.

But I sang.

And just kept singing.

“Deep in my heart, I do believe—that we shall overcome—”

“—someday.”

Someday.

Maybe.

Just not today.

Fells Point: The Bondage Mistress Murders (work in progress)

Fells Point: The Bondage Mistress Murders by Harper Nicole Anderson

                                           Cast of Characters

MAN IN BAR, mid-thirties

MYSTERY WOMAN, thirties, attractive

MARK, man, any age

MUNCK, man, mid-thirties, Jewish-Italian from Brooklyn

PEMBERTON, man, could be African-American, late thirties

BARTENDER #2, man, any age

KATE HANFORD, woman, late thirties

MAID

MAILMAN

CHRISTOPHER

TIME: 1979

PLACE: Baltimore

                                                      Scene1

(SETTING: The Fells Point Hotel Bar, Roberta Flack’s “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” plays on jukebox)

MAN IN BAR

So hey there hon…say can I buy you a drink?

MYSTERY WOMAN

No

MAN IN BAR

Oh gorgeous, you are so fine, are you sure I can’t buy you a drink?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Quite certain—

MAN IN BAR

Well then hon, may I ask you another question?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Certainly, as long as I don’t have to answer said question.

MAN IN BAR

Said question? Are you a barrister?

MYSTERY WOMAN

No neither am I a barista. So you got your one question answered. Now would you kindly leave me alone?

MAN IN BAR

Okay then if that is the way you want to play—

MYSTERY WOMAN

I wasn’t aware that that is what we were doing, playing that is. So is that what you want to do? Play. Aren’t you a grown man?  You must be what be what, 45, 46?

MAN IN BAR

Oh hon, you really think I look like I am in my forties?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Yes, well the beard and the hair or should I say the lack thereof?

MAN IN BAR

Well, I am only 38.

MYSTERY WOMAN

I don’t believe you. Show me your driver’s license.

MAN IN BAR

Sure, baby but only if you let me buy you a drink.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Why is it that you continue badgering me about a drink?  Is that what you do to make a lady feel obligated?

MAN IN BAR

No, no, no, darling. It wouldn’t obligate you to nothing.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Anything!

MAN IN BAR

Anything?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Anything.

MAN IN BAR

I don’t get it.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Grammar. Proper grammar. I don’t like men who fail to speak the King’s English.

MAN IN BAR

Okay then so me buying you a…wait…I mean to say…if I were to buy you drink, it would not obligate you in any way.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Oh I like that! The future unrealized subjunctive.

MAN IN BAR

The future unrealized sub—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Subjunctive: “if I were”

MAN IN BAR

Oh

MYSTERY WOMAN

So the driver’s license?

MAN IN BAR

You really think I look forties? Well, here is the proof!

(Rod Stewart’s Tonight’s the Night begins playing as MAN IN BAR shows driver’s license and wallet stuffed with bills)

 

MYSTERY WOMAN

Oh my God! You are a Leo! Not good! Not good at all!

MAN IN BAR

Yes, I guess I am but I don’t buy into that astrology shi…uh nonsense but since you brought it up. What sign are you?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Scorpio-Sagittarius. On the cusp.  With seven moons in Leo. That is why we could never get along but that would not necessarily prevent us from having absofuckinglutely wild-ass sex. Some of the best fucks I ever had were Leos. And that goes for both men and women!

MAN IN BAR

Whoa-oh-oh, child. You refuse to let me buy you a drink, now you are speculating about us having wild ass sex! Are you yanking my chain? I mean are you playing me? I feel like I am being played.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Don’t get any ideas. I was merely discussing my past experience with Leos and as far as playing, it was you who brought it up.

MAN IN BAR

No it wasn’t. It was you.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Nope.

MAN IN BAR

Okay then, have it your way, it was me. But I feel like I am being played.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Anyway. Vodka martini. Stolichnaya. Very dry. No olive.

MAN IN BAR

Hey Mark! Will you get the lady a Stoli martini, very dry, hold the olive.

MYSTERY WOMAN

So James, or do you go by Jim?

MAN IN BAR

Jim is fine.

MYSTERY WOMAN

So James Brennan Connelly. Irish on both sides? First generation?

MAN IN BAR

Does it matter? Well…no, German-Irish, both of whom came here before the Civil War.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Well, that’s promising, A lot of full-blooded Irish I have known drank like a fish. I hate teetotalers but I equally detest men who drink like fish.

MAN IN BAR

That’s not me. I drink more like a dolphin.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Dolphin? Dol…phin?

MAN IN BAR

It was a joke.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Sounds to me like you have an ulterior porpoise!

MAN IN BAR

Okay, ha! Now that was funny.

(MARK brings the drink and MAN IN BAR pulls out wad of bills and pays him with a fifty, MYSTERY WOMAN takes a large sip)

 

MYSTERY WOMAN

Mark sure does know how to pour a great drink!

MAN IN BAR

So…you been here before—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Yes, with my husband

MAN IN BAR

Oh then…you are married?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Divorced

MAN IN BAR

Oh okay then…

(MARK brings change and MAN IN BAR leaves a five-dollar tip)

 

MYSTERY WOMAN

So what’s with the big wad of bills. Are you a drug dealer?

MAN IN BAR

No! I don’t even do drugs!

MYSTERY WOMAN

Not even a little pot?

MAN IN BAR

Well, yeah, a little pot. Say, what didya say your name was?

MYSTERY WOMAN

I didn’t

MAN IN BAR

No I guess you didn’t

MYSTERY WOMAN

No

MAN IN BAR

So ya gonna tell me—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Tiffany. You can call me Tiffany. That’s not my name but that is what you can call me.

MAN IN BAR

So you still want to yank my chain, doncha?

MYSTERY WOMAN

That’s not all I might yank.

MAN IN BAR

I, uh

MYSTERY WOMAN

That is, if you play your cards right—

MAN IN BAR

All right, well you said it, YOU said it…again…playing. (beat) Are you a pro?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Pro?

MAN IN BAR

Professional—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Well, I would certainly consider myself professional in every aspect of the word but—

MAN IN BAR

–um what I was asking is well what I mean is, are you a uh prostitute?

MYSTERY WOMAN

How dare you! How dare you accuse me of being a whore!

MAN IN BAR

I uh I, I am awfully sorry, I just—

MYSTERY WOMAN

You just…what?

MAN IN BAR

I was just…I was only kidding—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Only kidding my a…anyway I am going to powder my nose and don’t put anything in my drink…as a matter of fact!

(Gulps down the rest of her drink and exits)

 

MAN IN BAR

                                                                                    (Aside)

This woman is real piece of work. A real piece of work. I just wonder what her shot is. Women today….. They want equal rights. Even want to make as much money as us. But they still want that control. They know what we want. What we have to have.  They always hold that power over us and they use it every chance they get! Women have one of the great acts of all time. The smart one’s act very feminine and needy, but inside they are real killers. The person who came up with the expression “the weaker sex” was either very naive or had to be kidding. I have seen women manipulate men with just a twitch of their eye — or perhaps another body part. Equal rights? What a joke!  It’s us men that should be fighting for equal rights. (beat) I wish I was a woman. Wait! Did I really say that? Well, yes, I would just like to have that power for just one day. That pussy power. (pause) The power of the pussy. That’s the ultimate power and if we ever let them have “equality” they will have the upper hand. They will really have the upper hand! Hey Mark, get me another and one for the lady too…but don’t serve it till she gets back.

(MYSTERY WOMAN enters and sits down a seat away from MAN IN BAR)

 

MAN IN BAR

Oh hon, don’t do me this way…I am awfully sorry. I didn’t mean nothing by it.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Anything!

MAN IN BAR

Right! I apologize I did not mean to infer anything by it.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Imply!

MAN IN BAR

I uh—

MYSTERY WOMAN

You did not mean to imply anything by it!

MAN IN BAR

That’s what I said—

(MARK brings the drink starts to serve it to MYSTERY WOMAN but then places it in front of the unoccupied seat)

MYSTERY WOMAN

No you didn’t…hey are you and Mark in collusion…I only get the drink if I sit next to you, asshole?

(MYSTERY WOMAN takes the drink and puts it down in front of her)

 

MAN IN BAR

Look hon. I am awfully sorry…and we were having a nice conversation.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Is that what you call it? A conversation?

MAN IN BAR

Yes well yes and we even seemed to be getting somewhere–

MYSTERY WOMAN

Oh You thought you were getting somewhere. Ha! Where did you think you were getting, Mr. Kennerly? Mister James Brennan Kennerly. Just where did you think you were getting?

MAN IN BAR

I, I thought we were uh, uh, uh…getting to, to know each other?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Yes, perhaps, until you called me a —

MAN IN BAR

I didn’t call you noth— uh anything. And I am truly sorry Hey come sit next to me. (beat) Oh, hey, listen (leans and whispers) I got some ludes—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Are you sure you are not a drug dealer?

MAN IN BAR

No, no c’mon Tiffy baby, don’t start with that again.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Tiffany! Not Tiffy baby.

MAN IN BAR

Sorry, Tiffany, gorgeous, I got some ludes and some killer sensemilla— so you DO get high, right?

(MYSTERY WOMAN moves to seat next to MAN IN BAR)

MYSTERY WOMAN

Well, let’s say I like to take the edge off. I am a little high strung…at times—

MAN IN BAR

I had not noticed

MYSTERY WOMAN

Look! I don’t need sarcasm…

MAN IN BAR

No, no, really I had not noticed…really!

                                                                                   (blackout)

                                                   Scene 2

(SETTING Baltimore Police Fells Point homicide office BJ Thomas’s Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head plays on radio, PEMBERTON pours coffee)

MUNCK

Why me? Why do I get all the unsolvable cases? Kate gets all the slam dunks—

PEMBERTON

Dunkers!

MUNCK

Dunkers?

PEMBERTON

Dunkers! She gets all the dunkers!

MUNCK

Isn’t that a religious sect? Pennsylvania Dutch?

PEMBERTON

Yeah, I think that too but that is what we call the easy cases, dunkers.

MUNCK

Hmmm maybe that is why she always brings in her coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts instead of drinking this battery acid…. Anyway, everything she touches turns to gol— or a uh dunker…and every time I answer the phone all I get—

PEMBERTON

(Face in the Baltimore Sun then puts the paper down)

Stop whining, it’s like baseball, sometimes everything you hit hard gets caught. Other times, your pop ups turn into doubles. It’ll turn around. Hey! Murray hit another one out last night, he stays hot and we got a chance this year. Finally!

MUNCK

So, we won? Or should I say the Orioles won, I am still a Yankees fan—

PEMBERTON

You can take the boy out of the city but—

MUNCK

Yeah, yeah well maybe one day, I do love this town. (beat) As long as you have the Earl of Baltimore you will have a shot.

PEMBERTON

Someday the man will be in the Hall. Well, Boog needs to start hitting… but the pitching? This guy Flanagan is turning into another Palmer. Pitching. Defense. And three run homers (beat) so have you gotten anything from Ocean City yet on this latest Bondage Murder? Timeline summer 1979 Ocean City

MUNCK

Nothing. OCPD said they would have fax the report. WBAL just confirmed that it’s the same M.O. Middle-aged man found dead, naked and handcuffed and tied to his bed.

PEMBERTON

Oh, my God. Looks like the Bondage Mistress has finally struck again. What has it been like eight months now?

MUNCK

More like seven. I’m only glad this one is in Ocean City and not here.

PEMBERTON

What do you have on the two in the city and the other…the one in, where was it, Towson? And you still got nothing?

MUNCK

We got nothing, absolutely nothing. No useful prints. None. All we got is that the victims are all men in their late thirties or forties. They all have alcohol

in their blood as well as ricin—

PEMBERTON

–Rice and beans? I had that for lunch. Should I go the ER?

MUNCK

Okay Frank, no time for your quipsterisms. I am sure that you know what ricin is, seeing that you read The Sun back to front. The ME was telling me there was an international incident just last week. This is James Bond type stuff, supposedly this Russian dissident was stabbed on The London Bridge by a man using a weapon built into an umbrella that injected a small amount of the poison into this guy’s leg.[1] He died two days later….anyway all of these guys were handcuffed and naked. Oh, but the one at the Holiday Inn…they found Quaaludes and the one at the Mount Vernon…they found alcohol, ricin and pot. All three of the victims had been seen drinking at the hotel bar. All  of ‘em were robbed…And they were all briefly spotted with women but no one witnessed them leaving the bar together. NOTE IT MIGHT BE BETTER TO ELIMINATE THE MURDERS OCCURRING OUTSIDE THE JURISDICTION BALTO CITY EXCEPT THE ONE IN OCEAN CITY.

(KATE HANFORD enters)

PEMBERTON

Did anyone get a make on these broads?

KATE HANFORD

Hey Frank! Would you stop calling women broads?

MUNCK

Oh Kate, what’s next? Going to HR and complaining.

PEMBERTON

HR? Sexual harassment?

MUNCK

HR, you know Human Resources?

PEMBERTON

Human Resources?

Yes, the place where woman go to complain about sexual harassment.

Sexual harassment?

Yes, you know like Clarence Thomas, Anita Hill?

Anita—

Oh I forgot this is still only 1979, never mind

KATE HANFORD

PEMBERTON

Okay, detective. I understand.

MUNCK

Well I uh, I could think of a lot worse—

KATE HANFORD

You need to think of how you are going to solve the Bondage Mistress Murders not more ways to offend women

MUNCK

Well, I—

PEMBERTON

So, Muncks, did anyone get a make on these women?

MUNCK

Not really. All we got was that both women were tall, like 5’10” but one was a blond and the other a brunette. And get this, the one in at the Holiday Inn was a redhead. And tall.

PEMBERTON

So, these women, I imagine are working girls but no one got a good look at them?

MUNCK

No one… but I interviewed the bartender at The Mount Vernon…the first murder…he couldn’t give us a thing even though he served our mystery woman several drinks. Anyway, I think this guy is a fruit…and a flake.  I mean he serves several drinks to this broad and all he could tell us was almost nothing. Very attractive, well-dressed, blonde and very tall. We ask him to come in and do an artist’s rendering and he doesn’t show so we go to the bar and find out he quit three days before, then we go to his apartment and found out he moved out the day before!

PEMBERTON

Sounds to me like you might have your perp right there (beat) How tall is he?

MUNCK

He’s 5’10’. Of course, we are looking for him but he can’t be the guy because the report I get from Towson is the victim there was seen going into his room with a woman he met in the hotel lobby.

PEMBERTON

The victims…None of them faggots, right. There was a guy in LA last year who dressed as a woman, very convincing and murdered fruits.

MUNCK

None of these guys were not fag… er uh homosexuals. In fact, they were all married. One guy had seven kids. Poor bastard.

(Brief Dee Jay chatter then Ezrine Tire jingle plays)[2]

 

PEMBERTON

Catholic, huh?

MUNCK

Yes, in fact all of the victims were Catholic and three of them Irish catholic. And here is another weird thing. They were all born in August.

       PEMBERTON

(Gets up and changes stations. Lou Reed’s “Walk on the Wild Side” begins playing)

Now that is weird. But probably just a coincidence. Then again—

MUNCK

Yes, we don’t believe in coincidences, do we?

PEMBERTON

No, we don’t. (beat) So you have ruled out it being a he-she? I am thinking. Blonde. Redhead. Brunette.  Could be wearing wigs, you know.  When I worked vice half the women we busted were men. We got a lot of ‘em in this city… Have you ever seen that thing that calls herself…himself, Divine, hangs out at Ledbetter’s?

MUNCK

Yeah. But he, uh, she is becoming a star now since that movie came out. A star, imagine that?  But no, we haven’t completely ruled that out.  But most of those “girls” are street prostitutes and usually just give five-dollar blow jobs in the john’s car and they hang out on Biddle Street or on the West Side not at the Holiday Inn and no way in Ocean City or Towson and certainly not at The Mount Vernon. But you know another funny thing is that there a couple of times they found a load of dried semen on the sheets I mean a TON, more than you would think could come out of one guy in one night. I wish there was a way we could test for that. (beat) I mean you never know, maybe could be a he-she but it would have to be a convincing one like, (beat) you know I went to see that movie. That fercockta John Waters movie?

PEMBERTON

No, you didn’t?

MUNCK

Yeah, it was pretty funny. Sick… but pretty funny. This egg lady in a crib. A guy with a singing asshole.  Then there was this guy exposing himself to women in Wyman Park, only he wasn’t exposing his cock, he would drop his drawers and what he exposed was not a schlong but a twelve-inch long kielbasa! So, one day, the pervert walks up to this beautiful redhead, I mean this chick was gorgeous! Anyway, this perv starts to drop his drawers but before he does, this broad she pulls up her skirt and what does she expose but a big schlong. I was like, wow, maybe it was a camera trick but it wasn’t, just like Divine eating the dog shit was not a camera trick. So, some of these broads look just like real women. A lot of em come here to get the operation at Johns Hopkins. They call them transsexuals.

PEMBERTON

Imagine that! Getting it cut off. That must hurt.

MUNCK

Must hurt? You moron. It’s just like any other surgery. You know, anesthesia?

PEMBERTON

Still, I can’t imagine it.  And I can’t imagine why such a respected institution would take part in such madness, such mutilation, women trapped in men’s bodies! What a load of crap!

MUNCK

Well, Frank, the way I look it at it. It takes all kinds. It’s what makes the world go ‘round. If a man wants to suck cock…well, I don’t approve but whatever floats your boat, baby! But men wanting to become women? That is just a little beyond the pale. Anyway, I don’t see much red under your name, except that eleven-year old Adena—

PEMBERTON

—Wilson. That angel, she still haunts me. I still think it was the Arabber but now I guess we’ll never know. Can you imagine? Gets picked up on a drunk and disorderly and he hangs himself.

MUNCK

Maybe he was haunted too and he finally—?

PEMBERTON

So maybe he got what he deserved, saved the state a lot of money— still, we’ll never know. And that reporter at The Sun—that guy Epstein— one who made his rep on the White Glove murders, he still won’t let the Adena Wilson case go, still trying to make it a Red Ball. So who knows, maybe it wasn’t the Arabber…

MUNCK

Nah! I think the Ay-rab did it—

PEMBERTON

Arabber! Ay-rab is considered racist, remember?

MUNCK

Yeah, I got the memo. Anyway, this Epstein character at The Sun is all over the Bondage Murders even with the seven-month lull. This clown is a real pain in the ass, must think he is Henry Louis Mencken or something.

PEMBERTON

The Rag of Calvert Street ain’t nothing like in its heyday.

MUNCK

The Rag of—

PEMBERTON

The Sun. But I must say they have some great sportswriters. Bob Maisel and you know that a Sun cartoonist invented the Birds’ logo

MUNCK

I did not know that. The cartoon bird? I love that cartoon bird. I mean that is the problem with my Yankees. How do you visually depict a Yankee? I mean what if we wanted to come up with a mascot. We put a guy in a Union soldier uniform? I don’t think so. But we got the colors man, red, white and blue.

PEMBERTON

Big deal! We have the Star Spangled Banner! Francis Scott Key! Fort McHenry! And we got first place. (picks up The Sun) The Yankees are in fourth place, NINE AND A HALF behind. The glory days are over, my friend. No more Mister October.

MUNCK

He’ll be back.

PEMBERTON

I think he’s done!

Scene 3

 

(SETTING: The Fells Point Hotel Bar, Jackson Brown’s “Cocaine” plays)

MYSTERY WOMAN

So you don’t deal drugs then what do you do? Just what do you do Mister Kennerly.

MAN IN BAR

I deal software. Well, I deal in software.

MYSTERY WOMAN

So you deal coke? Pun intended! You are a soft drink peddler?

MAN IN BAR

First of all, I am NOT a peddler of anything. I deal in software. Computer software. Proprietary systems. I set up financial institutions with computer software to help them track nearly everything they need to track. I am close to closing a deal with Maryland National Bank.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Surprising.

MAN IN BAR

What’s surprising?

MYSTERY WOMAN

That a gentleman in that field would have a wallet full of cash instead of a wallet full of credit cards.

MAN IN BAR

Like the shoemaker whose kids are shoeless, I don’t really believe in credit cards. I have one, an American Express. Anyway, I hope I can close this deal before Friday because I have even bigger fish to fry next week with Lincoln Financial in Philly then down to Miami to meet with Amerifirst.

MYSTERY WOMAN

I’d love to go to Miami but not this time of year.

MAN IN BAR

Did that sound like an invitation?

MYSTERY WOMAN

No just saying… but for all these big deals you are the verge of closing, you don’t look well-heeled. I mean we’re talking Men’s Warehouse not Brook’s Brothers.

MAN IN BAR

Well, I uh, the problem is that this software is so revolutionary that most of the asshole decision-makers I deal with don’t understand its benefits. We are just a start up and I’m in on the ground floor but if we succeed and I stick, we are talking millions. And the way we are marketing this is that we’re practically giving it away on the contingency that once the bank starts seeing the savings and I am talking thousands of dollars in labor that we’ll save ‘em. We renew the deal ninety days from now at the full rate and the company and I both make money. Lots of money.

MYSTERY WOMAN

So for now, you are just a guy in cheap suits who has to stay in second rate motels and–

MAN IN BAR

Well, this place ain’t the Taj Mahal but—

MYSTERY WOMAN

But it ain’t the Hilton either.

MAN IN BAR

Well, it ain’t Motel 6 either. I have a suite, really nice wet-bar and I hear they have a hot tub in the Honeymoon Suite.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Too bad you don’t have the Honeymoon Suite, I could go for some ludes and a Hot Tub.

MAN IN BAR

Mark, could you bring me the phone?

MYSTERY WOMAN

So you are going to try to book the Honeymoon Suite, well, Jim, I was only… I mean, uh, I—

MAN IN BAR

Oh hon, don’t try to back out now. Don’t play with me now!

(MARK brings the phone. MAN IN BAR picks it up and dials “0’ as Bee Gees “More Than a Woman” begins playing)

(Cont’d)

Say, Steve is it? This is Jim Kennerly in 316, say Steve is the—

MYSTERY WOMAN

Oh I can’t believe what I am getting myself into. Mark, get me one more and put it on Jim’s tab.

MAN IN BAR

So yes just for the one night. Okay twenty minutes then, can you just let Mark know when its ready then? Yes, put it on my AmEx. Okay. Thanks Steve.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Oh my God! What have I done? Well, maybe you are a good closer, after all.

(slow blackout as “More Than a Woman” plays)

Scene 4

(SETTING: Baltimore Police Fells Point homicide office MUNCK sits at desk reading the paper while PEMBERTON finishes pouring coffee)

 

MUNCK

Looks like its bye, bye birdies, you guys are now nine and a half out!

PEMBERTON

Yeah brutal! I was at The Stadium last night, 11-0. Brutal. Flanny had nothing! But there’s still two months to go.  Anything could happen.

MUNCK

Except that your birdies are in fourth place. If anybody takes the Yanks, it’ll be the Red Sox. They are still only four back.

PEMBERTON

Anyway, you should worry more about all the red up on the board rather than the RED Sox!

MUNCK

Well yeah, if I don’t start closing cases, my ass might be back walking the beat in Highlandtown!

PEMBERTOWN

Or they could ship your behind back to Brooklyn where you belong.

MUNCK

No I love the Bay too much. Even thinking of buying a boat—

PEMBERTON

The Bay. Boats. Baseball. You need to think murders, my friend! Solving murder cases. Forget the boat! Forget—

MUNCK

—Yeah, yeah, yeah…but it’s getting so I am afraid to pick up the phone. I am snake-bit. If I get another serial murderer, I might start of thinking of going over to the other side. Kate, on the other hand, everything she touches turns to gold—

PEMBERTON

She is something! The first ever female homicide detective in this unit and she’s solved what? Thirteen in a row now?

MUNCK

I think she must be sucking Giordano’s dick and he is feeding her all the dunkers!

PEMBERTON

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and just do your job. She answers the phone the same way we all do. It is just the luck of the draw or maybe she is just smarter than you.

MUNCK

No way! These fucking women though. They want equal rights? We let them get the upper hand and it’s all over for us. They take over the world. Damn women. They ain’t smarter.  But they have intuition. Fucking Kate has intuition. That’s why she always picks up the phone at the right time. It is her damn feminine intuition!

PEMBERTON

   (singing)

Well, yes de women are uh smarter! Oh yes de women are uh smarter—

MUNCK

Yes, they may be, Frank, yes they may just well be. That’s why we can never let them get the upper hand!

(blackout)

Scene 5

(SETTING: Hotel room at Mount Vernon Inn.  Naked semi-conscious man handcuffed and tied spread-eagled to bed while the Bee-Gees Stayin’ Alive plays somewhat loudly on the radio. A “Do Not Disturb” sign hangs on the door. The man coughs weakly and murmurs. Maid approaches, listens for a moment to the murmuring, starts to walk away then stops, then decides to knock, then waits)

 

 

 

MAID

Room service…room service?

(MAID still hearing coughing and murmuring, puts key in door then stops momentarily pondering then leaves)                          

 

Scene 6

 (SETTING: Baltimore Police Fells Point homicide office. Jerry Reed’s “When Your Hot Your Hot” plays on radio)

MUNCK

Well, Frank looks like your Birds are really toast now. Ten and a half back. Mister October hit another one out last night! Let’s see, the Yanks have now won six in a row!

PEMBERTON

Like I told you yesterday, you need to worry about solving murders, not baseball. On the other hand, I always say, life is like baseball. Solving crimes is like baseball. Like the song says. Sometime you’re hot and sometimes you’re not.

MUNCK

(Getting up and switching radio to a news-talk station, “…today the high is expected to be in the upper nineties with a 50% chance of rain…now turning to sports here’s WBAL’s Charlie Eckman…”)

Well, speaking of hot, Christ I am glad we finally got the AC fixed…

 (“…well, it looks more and more like it’s gonna be wait until next year for the 1978 Birds…”)

(Cont’d)

…but yeah Frank I need to get hot. I need a DiMaggio or at least a Pete Rose. (drops off) Say, you’re Catholic, right?

PEMBERTON

Yes?

MUNCK

And you have all these patron saints, right? Like I heard there are patron saints for when you lose something, patron saints for—

PEMBERTON

—Saint Anthony of Padua, yes—

MUNCK

So is there a patron saint for cops who are in desperate need of a dunker?

PEMBERTON

Well, I don’t think that specific but there is a patron saint for cops. Saint Michael the Archangel.  In fact, I am wearing the pendant. I also wear a scapular.

MUNCK

Wait! You wear a scapula? Isn’t that a little large?

PEMBERTON

It’s a mouse scapula!

MUNCK

A mouse scapula?

PEMBERTON

Just pulling your leg. I wear a scapular. Not a scapula.

MUNCK

What’s that?

PEMBERTON

It is a pendant that ensures those who wear it will never die without having a priest administer the last rites. It is a ticket to heaven. Well, not directly because you still might be diverted to purgatory for a while but eventually you are admitted to heaven.

MUNCK

And you believe all this hocus pocus?

PEMBERTON

(recitation)

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth. And in Jesus Christ his only Son, our Lord; who was conceived by the Holy Spirit—

MUNCK

–Stop! Just stop!

PEMBERTON

–born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried. On the third day—

MUNCK

—Please?

PEMBERTON

Okay, say have you ever thought of converting, you could use some religion. Some faith anyway.

MUNCK

No thanks… but then again…can I see that Saint Michael thingy.

(Hands him a metal pendant, Saint Michael on one side and text on the other)

 

(Cont’d)

Keep him safe day and night, give him courage strength and might. What a load of crap!

PEMBERTON

You’d be surprised how many of us wear it though. It is said to have saved an officers life too…. deflected a bullet—

MUNCK

Now that, that is a load of—

PEMBERTON

Well, maybe, but then again, who knows but I have faith and that’s what carries me through the day.

(telephone rings)

(Cont’d)

It’s your turn, buddy.

MUNCK

Fuck me! (beat) Just fuck me!

(picks up phone and listens)

(Cont’d)

Oh my God. Fuck! This does not sound good. They just found a naked dead guy handcuffed and tied to his bed at the Mount Vernon Inn. Let’s go.

                                             Scene 7

 

(Mount Vernon Inn hallway outside crime scene, murmuring, cameras clicking)

 

MUNCK

So what you’re saying is that you came by yesterday and you thought you heard murmuring and crying for help but you didn’t go in.

MAID

No, mister, uh detective, I thought quizas por un momento, maybe I go in but then I think no, it’s okay…then I think maybe I tell el jefe but he was busy so then I go home. Today I come back and they find el hombre dead. Dios mio!   (blesses herself)

PEMBERTON

So the murmuring, could you make out anything, anything at all.

.

MAID

Well the radio, it was loud, I hear him coughing, then I think he started to say something but it make no sense to me what he say—

MUNCK

So what did he say! What do you think he said?

MAID

Well I not sure because it make no sense but I, I uh—

MUNCK

Yes?

PEMBERTON

Yes, go on—

MAID

Well, I think he say and my hearing not so good but yo pienso, I think he say…

MUNCK

Yes?

MAID

Well, I think he say “rosebud” It make no sense but that is what I think he say “rosebud” Maybe mean something in Americano, I don’t know.

MUNCK

Oh my God, I don’t believe this!

PEMBERTON

And that’s all you heard?

MAID (to MUNCK)

Do I say something wrong, senor?

(to PEMBERTON)

No that’s all I hear “rosebud”

MUNCK

Jesus Christ

PEMBERTON (to MUNCK)

Get a grip, monkey man! God has nothing to do with this!

(to MAID)

Okay, ma’am, well you may need to come in and make a statement and we might need a polygraph.

MAID

A poly—

MUNCK

A lie detector test—

MAID

I no lie, senor?

PEMBERTON

No ma’am, we believe you. Nostrotros creemos que usted habla la verdad.

MAID

Oh thank you, gracias senor gracias! Perdonome its okay? Necesito a salir. Can I go?

MUNCK

Yes, I think we have what we need for now but don’t leave town.

MAID

Gracias

(exits)

PEMBERTON

So what now?

MUNCK

So this guy was in bed tied up for two days…the day manager says he knows nothing…Hopefully we’ll get some prints but we need to talk to the bar people.

PEMBERTON

Well, Kelly already interviewed the daytime bartender who couldn’t give us a thing…so we should talk to the people that were on Tuesday night—

MUNCK

Yes, I already checked, they both come in at three—

PEMBERTON

So let’s grab some lunch? Crabs?

MUNCK

Sounds good! Connolly’s?

PEMBERTON

Yes! Connolly’s it is

Scene 8

(SETTING: Connolly’s Seafood Restaurant, sounds of waves, foghorns in background)

MUNCK

(to waitress)

Another National Premium and another Diet-Rite for my friend

PEMBERTON

What regular Natty Boh not good enough for you?

MUNCH

Are you kidding? That monkey piss? I’d order a Ballantine but they don’t carry it.

PEMBERTON

You can take the boy out of New York City but you can’t—

MUNCK

Enough already with that mantra.

PEMBERTON

More like a meme!

MUNCK

A meme? What’s a meme?

PEMBERTON

It refers to something that through repetition within a culture becomes familiar. It’s a word coined by Richard Dawkins—

MUNCK

I never knew or thought that guy was capable of anything more than kissing his contestants and making stupid quips! In fact, a lot like your stupid quips, Frank.

PEMBERTON

Richard Dawkins, not Dawson!

MUNCK

Who is—oh never mind, I am sure it’s another guy you studied when you were majoring in philosophy at Holy Cross…I just wonder why you are wasting all that education doing this?

PEMBERTON

Well, this is what God meant for me to do, something your heathen butt would never understand. Anyway, it’s barely past two, let’s get some dessert. The apple pie is to die for. And a la mode, for sure.

MUNCK

Yes…the best in the city and I’ll get mine with ice cream.

(waitress brings drinks and picks up dishes)

PEMBERTON

So were about ready for some dessert but give my friend time to finish his beer. I’ll take the apple pie a la mode and, for my buddy, he’ll have the same (winks) only with ice cream. Vanilla, of course. So, John, you think this will be another Red Ball?

Note itsd already a red ball instead DISCUSS HOW BMM HAS STRUCK AGAIN

MUNCK

You’re kidding. A guy handcuffed and tied to his bed for two days, apparently dies of some slow acting poison, what do you think?

PEMBERTON (facetiously)

Well, you never know. It could turn out he died of natural causes.

MUNCK

Yeah right. I should be so lucky. But it still would be a homicide either way as being tied up would make the person culpable.

PEMBERTON

You say “person” rather than woman. I am pretty sure it was a  woman probably a working girl.

MUNCK

Well, you know that Leon’s is just down the street—you know the gay bar? Not to mention The Hippo—

PEMBERTON

Well yeah but—

MUNCK

And the handcuffs, you know a lot of those guys are into that, that—

PEMBERTON

S and M?

MUNCK

You know about that shit, Frank? I am surprised.

PEMBERTON

You’d be surprised at what I learned at Holy Cross and I have been working homicide for seven years now…run into all kinds of kinky shenanigans in this town…I don’t need to watch John Waters blasphemous movies to find out about that stuff.

MUNCK

Reminds me I need to make phone call

(slow fade to black, then lights up)

MUNCK

(in phone booth)

Hey babes, look I am going to late again. I am sorry. I know your fixing lasagna…my favorite… but—

(indistinguishable deep voice is heard through phone)

Look, hon, I am really sorry but I think it’s going to be another Red Ball

(PEMBERTON walks by on way to bathroom, glances at MUNCK who hunches over guardedly)

Look, look, I gotta go…yeah maybe nine or ten, I don’t know…okay I’ll try to call later…say, what do you know about sado-ma—oh never mind, we’ll talk tonight or in the morning if I’m late.

(blackout, lights up, MUNCK and PEMBERTON are back at table)

PEMBERTON

So who was that?

MUNCK

Oh uh, my uh neighbor. I uh asked her if she could feed my cat.

PEMBERTON

I didn’t know you had a cat—

MUNCK

I didn’t either. (beat) Man, this is the best, this ice cream it must be Breyers?

PEMBERTON

Breyers? Is that some New York brand? No, it’s Hendler’s, the best.

MUNCK

And these pies?

PEMBERTON

Exclusive to Connolly’s. Some woman, Mildred Pierce I think her name is, bakes all their pies.  Anyway, look we better finish up—Oh doggone it, I almost forgot, I am supposed to see Giordano at four, can you handle this bartender interview yourself?

MUNCK

Sure

Scene 9

(SETTING: Mount Vernon Inn, MUNCK sits at bar, he is the only customer)

BARTENDER #2

I still can’t believe any of this. I can’t believe this happened here, for sure. Guy tied up for almost two days, I hear.  I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it could happen here. I mean this is a class joint. F. Scott Fitzgerald drank here and Mencken. And oh, that other guy, the guy that wrote The Jungle?

MUNCK

The Jungle?

BARTENDER #2

Oh, let me look it up on my phone—

MUNCK

Your phone? You can’t look it up on your phone. This is 1978!

BARTENDER #2

Oh, yes that’s right. Oh, wait, it was Sinclair Lewis, er no, Upton Sinclair, yes Upton—

MUNCK

So… we just need to get down to business.

BARTENDER #2

Yes, sure.

MUNCK

So, the victim came in at around 8pm you say?

BARTENDER #2

Yes, more or less.   I remember it was slow that night and he just nursed his drink…a Schlitz if I recall but definitely beer until—

MUNCK

Yes?

BARTENDER #2

Well, he nursed this one beer for like an hour and a half. I was at the other end of the bar  talking with one of the regulars, I hadn’t even noticed her…anyway, he calls to me…calls to me by name which is weird because I don’t remember telling him my name, anyway, he says, “Hey Danny, the lady and I over here are dry!” So yes so like now he is sitting with this very tall and attractive blonde, very well dressed, a black low cut dress and black leather knee high boots with stiletto heels that I noticed later, not heavily made up, just very pretty without all the mascara a lot of the girls wear, you know the ones who try to look like Liz Taylor, so anyway, he orders a 7 and 7 for himself and a vodka martini for the lady, who insisted on Stoli which I thought was a little weird.

MUNCK

Age?

BARTENDER #2

I’d say late twenties, 27 maybe.

MUNCK

If you had to guess. Do you think they knew each other?

BARTENDER #2

Well, they seem to be having such a good time, lots of animated conversation, I gave them a lot of space so I didn’t overhear anything…except I heard them mention leather a couple of times…so they seemed to be two people who just met and just hit it off right off the bat or maybe old friends who had not seen each other…they sure seemed to have a lot to talk about.

(Three businessmen walk in and sit at the other end of the bar) 

 

I’ll be there in just a second, gentlemen…So yes, they were really enjoying each other’s company, excuse me for just a second….

MUNCK

Okay relax, take care of your customers

BARTENDER #2

Well it’s happy hour so we are going to get busy.

MUNCK

So they are having a good time, chatting, and then?

BARTENDER #2

Well, after about three rounds, they start getting cozy, if you know what I mean, not kissing or anything just real close to one another…then around 10:30 it got really busy and I look up and they are gone. I go to pick up the glasses and there’s a Benjamin under the guy’s glass. A real blessing because I barely made my rent this month.  Look it is really getting busy so—

MUNCK

Well, I think I got what I need for now but I need to get your contact information and I am going to ask you come down to the station to do an artist’s rendering.

BARTENDER #2

Oh cool! I feel like I am on Colombo! Can I come in tomorrow, I’m off.

MUNCK

Yes, great, but in the meantime, I need to get your contact information and the contact information of your three closest friends and relatives

                                       BARTENDER #2

Sure uh okay but why do you need all that?

 

MUNCK

Just get it for me…I’ll explain later. 

Scene 10

(SETTING: Baltimore Police Department Fells Point homicide office, Munck reads the The Sun)

MUNCK

Well it looks like your Birdies are truly toast. In fourth place, TWELVE AND A HALF behind my pinstripers…on the other hand, they might have an outside shot at a wild card.

PEMBERTON

Wild card? Isn’t that football?

MUNCK

Oh right yeah, what was I thinking.

PEMBERTON

I guess you missed the front page then?

MUNCK

Yeah, I only got the sports…and the classified.

PEMBERTON

Well, you’ll need to have a look at the front page. The muckraking SOB at The Sun did an expose on our M.E. that you wouldn’t believe. And specifically mentioned your Red Ball and that six weeks in, you still don’t have toxicology reports. He also questions that our stellar forensic department didn’t pull any helpful fingerprints out of your crime scene.

MUNCK

Yes, except for the hotel staff and the victim…anyway, I expect that we’ll get alcohol and ricin again.

PEMBERTON

So what about the bartender?

MUNCK

He was really helpful, in fact, he just called me and said he is on the way to come in to do the artists’s rendering. Really helpful unlike the bartender at The Mount Vernon…remember him? He just up and disappears a day before he was to come down for the artist rendering…we got a warrant and searched his apartment but although he left in a hurry, he took everything, the neighbors weren’t any help, they say he kept to himself. A couple neighbors thought he was gay, for whatever that’s worth…well, he did seem a little light in his loafers

PEMBERTON

He wore loafers?

MUNCK

No actually he wore wingtips if I recall, Frank, this is no time to play!

PEMBERTON

Anyway, so this guy just disappeared off the face of the earth?

MUNCK

Yes and worse yet, a lot of the information he gave at work was false. The landlord went right in after he moved out and wiped the place clean.  The strange thing is why this guy just up and disappears. It makes no sense.

PEMBERTON

Well, maybe the toxicology will show you something. At this point, we should go back and talk to all the neighbors we can find that knew this guy as well as all the hotel employees. That’s all you’ve got.… Until of course, the bondage murder Mistress strikes again. As our friend at The Sun thinks she will.

MUNCK

Ha! Imagine that guy labeling the perp the Bondage Murder Mistress when were not even sure that it’s a woman… Well… Everything, of course, points to a female but there sure ain’t no way to tell yet.

PEMBERTON

in the meantime, I have my own cases to close. No Red Balls, thank God but who knows what tomorrow will bring.

MUNCK

Indeed!

(blackout)

Scene 11

(SETTING: Baltimore Police Department Fells Point office)

 

MUNCK

So I just got the toxicology back on

Well they found alcohol and cannabis, not surprising, but also ricin….the cause of death is listed as ricin poisoning. It is a slow acting poison that is extracted from castor beans NOTE RICIN WAS ALREADY ESTABLISHED?

PEMBERTON

Rice and beans? I had that for lunch. Should I go the ER?

MUNCK

Okay Frank no time for your quipsterisms. I am sure that you know what ricin is, seeing that you read The Sun back to front. The ME was telling me there was an international incident just last week. This is James Bond type stuff, supposedly this Russian dissident was stabbed on The London Bridge by a man using a weapon built into an umbrella that injected a small amount of the poison into this guy’s leg.[3] He died two days later. This is not good Frank! Epstein is going to have a field day with this.

PEMBERTON

I am afraid he is my friend. I am afraid he is.

(blackout, lights up)

(MUNCK sits at desk head down reading a newspaper, PEMBERTON walks in carrying two Dunkin’ Donuts coffees and newspapers)

PEMBERTON (putting coffee down on MUNCK’s desk)

Here you go, my friend, I thought I’d try to bring you some luck!

MUNCK

I am going to need it. Our friend at The Sun has this on the front page. The good news is that he has backed off calling it The Bondage Mistress murders. The bad news is that he is calling it an international incident, he’s now calling  it The Ricin Murders and speculating that our Mr. O’Casey might have ties to the IRA! Of course, this clown has no real evidence except that a neighbor said that he might have traveled back and forth to Ireland a couple of times.

PEMBERTON

Well my friend, I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news…even worse news, I am afraid.

(hands him newspapers)

MUNCK

Oh my fucking God. Jesus Christ!

PEMBERTON

I know it’s bad Frank but please don’t put it on God!

MUNCK

The NEW YORK TIMES! AND THE WAHINGTON POST! And on the front page? Just shoot me. Just fucking shoot me!

PEMBERTON

Well maybe there’s a bright side Frank, if this is an international incident, if there’s espionage or I would venture to say maybe some kind of weapons exchange, which I would say is far more likely considering the IRA angle, we will be able to hand this all off to the Feds, the FBI, the ATF…

MUNCK

Damn Frank, yeah that makes sense, thanks but it’s all just speculation at this point and this guy was an aluminum siding salesman, a tin man! Not an arms dealer!

PEMBERTON

Well, the job could be just a cover. But we could find that out very easily. Let’s go talk to his employer.

Scene 12

(SETTING: Baltimore Police Department, Fells Point parking lot, PEMBERTON, keys in hand, and MUNCK approach car)

MUNCK

Okay if I drive, Frank?

PEMBERTON

No!

MUNCK

Why not?

PEMBERTON

Because you you’re a lousy driver and besides you should review your notes while they’re fresh.

MUNCK

Well okay, guess you’re right

(gets into car)

PEMBERTON

So what do you think?

MUNCK

I think it is pretty clear the guy was just a siding salesman and not a gun runner for the IRA

PEMBERTON

In fact, he was one of their top closers, right?

MUNCK

Yeah and supposedly the guy put in fifty sixty hours a week, working nights, weekends and the trips to Ireland, he visited his sick mother who they say passed away in June.

PEMBERTON

We should confirm that—

MUNCK

Yes, but I think it is pretty clear the guy was just an aluminum siding salesman, a tin man.

PEMBERTON

Those guys are quite insane, a buddy I knew at Poly became a tin man. What a character. He used to tell me about all the tricks they used to pull trying to fish customers like saying their home would be featured on the cover of Life Magazine. Crazy stuff but really funny stuff.

MUNCK

Yeah funny stuff but not so funny now because the state is cracking down on them big league.

PEMBERTON

Bigly. Big-ly?

MUNCK

Big league, you know like big time.  I guess it’s a New York saying.

PEMBERTON

Speak Baltimorese otherwise, people will not understand you down here.

MUNCK

Okay, hon. (beat) Anyway, our buddy from The Sun, Epstein is writing an expose on our tin men.

PEMBERTON

Great maybe he will stay off our case!

MUNCK

Anyway those guys we met today. Real characters! Somebody should make a movie about them.

PEMBERTON

Yeah.

(blackout)

Scene13

(SETTING: Baltimore Police Department homicide office, Munck reading The Sun)

MUNCK (reading newspaper)

My Yankees finally wrapped up the Division last night. We are going to back to back just like the glory days!

PEMBERTON

It’s been awhile since you guys repeated, what was it? 61, 62?

MUNCK

Yeah sixteen years ago, 1962, I was sixteen and was just getting over the heartbreak of the Bums moving to Brooklyn and becoming a Yankees fan.

PEMBERTON

You were never a Mets fan, I hope!

MUNCK

No…. Yankee fans hate the Mets, just like they hated Brooklyn and the Giants.

PEMBERTON

I am still trying to get over 1969! The amazing Mets, then the Jets beat the Colts, one of the worst years of my life, sports-wise anyway, but I did meet my beautiful wife in ’69. Our first date was the first game of the 69 series. The one game the Orioles won.

(KATE HANFORD enters carrying a Dunkin Donuts coffee)

KATE HANFORD

Hey I just heard on the radio that the FBI completed their check on your Tin Man turns out he was just an aluminum siding salesman. Poor guy, left five kids and a mountain of debt.

MUNCK

Wait! They release that to the media and don’t bother telling us first?

PEMBERTON

That’s Quantico!

(phone rings)

KATE HANFORD

You’re up, John!

PEMBERTON

It’s the inside line…I’ll get it…okay…okay…the Holiday Inn, downtown…tied to his bed…all right…you want Kate on it too and…okay then, Chief. (hangs up, to MUNCK) Looks like your Bondage Mistress has struck once again!

Scene 14

(SETTING: Holiday Inn Bar)

BARTENDER #2

Sorry no, I didn’t get a good look at her. Tall. Redhead. Attractive from what I could see. She comes in, taps the guy on the shoulder. The next thing I know, they’re both gone. This was about 10:30 when they left. The guy had like three drinks, sort of nursed them since he was here almost three hours, the one thing I noticed, he kept looking at his watch a lot. It was slow so we got to talk…said he was here for the realtor’s convention…and from the Midwest somewhere….Kansas City I think…seemed like a real nice guy…showed me a picture of his wife and kids…didn’t seem to be the type of guy who would get involved with…well you know…you never know I guess…you just never know.

KATE HANFORD

So he never mentioned anything about meeting up with a woman?

BARTENDER #2

No, in fact, I mentioned that I noticed him looking at his watch and he told me he was meeting up with a business associate….say excuse me I got to take of that customer.

KATE HANFORD

So what do you think, John?

MUNCK

Looks like the same MO. Married businessman from out of town, hooks up with our mystery woman and winds up being found tied up and dead in his bed two days later…we have to wait on the toxicology but I did some research on this ricin…which is extracted from the Castor Bean, in fact there have been children who were poisoned just handling these beans but anyway once its synthesized, it takes a very small amount of it to kill someone and death only occurs 24 to 36 hours or even longer after ingestion. And Quantico tells me that synthesizing the poison is not something that the typical person could do…that it would take a great deal of expertise…it would take someone with a background in chemistry and access to a laboratory. So, on one hand we are thinking this woman is a professional…an escort….then on the other hand, a professional of another type, a chemistry professor or someone who might be working for Dow Chemicals or some place like that…maybe we could…Kate, are their employers that we might look for to—

KATE HANFORD

Oh my God, John. From Aberdeen Proving Grounds to Fort Meade, the NSA, not to mention possible employers closer to DC, and in DC itself, there are hundreds of possibilities, talk about a needle in a haystack—

MUNCK

Yeah, I’m grasping at straws here… it will probably be a big nothing burger!

KATE

A nothing bur—

(PEMBERTON enters)

PEMBERTON

–Hey Kate…Munck—

MUNCK

So you got anything?

PEMBERTON

Not a lot. Nothing from the either of the managers. Not a thing. But I did get something from one of the maids. She said the Do Not Disturb sign was on the door all three mornings she came by. Early in the afternoon on Tuesday, the second day, she caught a glimpse of a woman leaving.  Redhead, tall, well-dressed, didn’t see her face…she came by on Tuesday morning, day three…knocked several times, never any answer. Finally, she glimpsed in and found the dead guy.

MUNCK

And nothing on the hotel security camera?

PEMBERTON

Hotel security camera? Monks, this is 1978!

MUNCK

Oh right! Damn, I forgot…so anything else from the maid?

PEMBERTON

Well, only what we already know, guy dead, naked, tied and handcuffed to his bed. (beat) But forensics has apparently found some interesting stuff…a small amount of blood, hair of two different types and a lot of what appears to be dried semen, a bunch of it in different places. Of course, until we can apply the Watson and Crick research that won’t do us much good—

MUNCK?

Watson? Sherlock Holmes?

PEMBERTON

No monkey man, Watson and Crick, they discovered deoxyribonucleic acid, DNA, and I just read a paper that there may be some new method of human genomic testing that could turn out to be a sort of a unique, um what they are calling a DNA fingerprint, from blood, from semen, from hair maybe, even saliva…so the most important thing is that we preserve the evidence because this new technology could be just around the corner…just years away.

MUNCK

Well that sounds promising but by then I’ll probably be back walking the beat in Highlandtown.

PEMBERTON

Well I wouldn’t give up hope quite yet. They also lifted a bunch of prints so…

BARTENDER #2

(Brings MUNCK the house phone)

Oh, Officer Munck, you got a call here he said it is really important

MUNCK (whispering)

What are you doing calling me here…(To PEMBERTON  and KATE HANFORD) excuse me guys this is personal….(KATE HANFORD and PEMBERTON move stage right and start talking among themselves)  so yeah I know we have tickets to “Mousetrap” tonight….I don’t think we’ll have time for dinner though….we may just have to meet at the theater…yeah I can make it by 7:30…right…at the box office, the tickets are at will call, right? Okay, listen you really need to be more discreet….okay…I know…but I could lose my job….then what would we do? Okay then 7:30 at the Lyric….if I can get out earlier I’ll call you…otherwise…okay…(KATE HANFORD and PEMBERTON walk back over to the bar near MUNCK) okay, look okay I really need to go….bye)

KATE HANFORD

Who was that? Sounded intense.

MUNCK

Oh no not really. It was my cat sitter, she was worried because Sylvester refuses his cat food and she thinks he might be sick.

KATE HANFORD

I didn’t know you were a cat lover, John.

MUNCK

I’m not.

PEMBERTON

So listen up, the manager says he has a couple other people we can speak to, doesn’t think they have anything but says we should talk to them

MUNCK

Who exactly?

PEMBERTON

A couple maids and a guest.

MUNCK

Okay, let’s go, maybe Kate can work some magic

Scene 15

(SETTING: Fells Point Hotel Bar, Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” plays on jukebox)

 

MAN IN BAR

No, really, Tiffany, you are a really energetic gal. I like that in a woman, really, and I certainly hope I didn’t offend you.

MYSTERY WOMAN

Well, I am an energetic woman but I’ll let that pass. (beat)  I don’t think I like you. I don’t think I like you at all, Mister Kelly but I’m out to have a good time and… not that it matters but are you married?

MAN IN BAR

Well, I uh–

MYSTERY WOMEN

Okay, you’re married but that’s okay, we’ll have a good time and we’ll never see each other again.

MAN IN BAR

Well, I don’t know, I come to Charm City quite often

MYSTERY WOMAN

Well I don’t, well I mean I live here but I’m a one trick pony.

MAN IN BAR

It seems to me a fascinating, mysterious woman like yourself would have more than one trick up her…uh dress.

MYSTERY WOMAN

You really are quite the male chauvinist pig, Mister Kelly…but again…I’ll give you a pass, you men are all alike.

MAN IN BAR

So you are into all that women’s lib sh—uh stuff? Gloria Stein and all that?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Steinem!

MAN IN BAR

Oh right yes, Steinem—so you agree with them?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Well, yes and no. I have my own philosophy. In fact, I am writing a book about it…say could I have one of those ‘ludes?

MAN IN BAR

Sure, yeah.

(Hands her Quaalude, after looking at it carefully she washes it down)

 

(Cont’d)

So your book? Your philosophy? You sure are a fascinating ga—uh woman. Anyway tell me more.

MYSTERY WOMAN

So all these woman, Steinem, Betty Friedan…the women in what I have termed the Second Wave of feminism and for that matter all the women in what I call the First Wave, you know Seneca Falls, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Lucretia Mott and all of them are or were upper-middle class white women. I mean Stanton’s husband was a US Senator and help found the Republican Party, for Lord’s sake, but at least this First Wave of women were abolitionists too. This current crop, this second wave are just suburban bourgeois women who only care about their lily white world and are really just propounding theory because none of them really know the struggles of the women who not only suffer from gender inequality but also suffer class, socio-political and, most significantly, racial inequality. That’s what my book is about. It’s called Feminism: The Third Wave (Why The Second Wave of Feminism is a Fraud). I threw in this subtitle to curry favor with the men who control the publishing business. You see, I deal with asshole decision-makers, too, Mister Kelly.[4]

MAN IN BAR

Well, you are beautiful and brilliant. A rare combination.

MYSTERY WOMAN

You just love to put your foot in your mouth, don’t you, Mister Kennerly?

MAN IN BAR

Well, you are beautiful and brilliant. What did I say that was wrong?

MYSTERY WOMAN

The rare combination part but I don’t expect that you would understand. Men are from Mars; women are from Venus.

MAN IN BAR

Well, that’s catchy, could be great book title—

(David Bowie’s “Changes” begins playing)

MYSTERY WOMAN

Yes, hah! I guess it could but—

MAN IN BAR

–So tell me more…about the book that is

MYSTERY WOMAN

Well you know I have another theory even more revolutionary perhaps. It deals with an emerging class of women who are and really will be struggling in the future. Are you familiar with the work of Dr. John Money at Johns Hopkins?

(Bar telephone rings, Bartender #3 picks it up then motions to MAN IN BAR)

MAN IN BAR

Oh okay, thanks Mark…. looks like we’re all set

MYSTERY WOMAN

Well then I guess we are, Mister Kelly

MAN IN BAR

So then?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Well, I’d like to finish my drink, like a taste?

(As the Eagles “One of These Nights begins playing, MYSTERY WOMAN holds martini just an inch away from her lips, MAN IN BAR leans towards it and MYSTERY WOMAN pulls the glass away. MAN IN BAR reaches up her skirt but MYSTERY WOMAN guides his hand away. The two continue kissing as lights and music slowly fade.)

 

 

                                           

Scene 16

SETTING: Baltimore Police Department Fells Point Homicide Divison. MUNCK and PEMBERTON sit at desks. KATE HANFORD enters carrying Dunkin Donuts bag. “We Are Family” plays on the radio. PEMBERTON rises and turns the radio off

KATE HANFORD

Hey Frank, I was listening to that—

PEMBERTON

–Sorry, Kate but I don’t ever want to hear that song again—

MUNCK

Yeah Kate, cut him some slack, that was the Pirates theme song and Frank is still heartbroken over his Birdies going down in the series

KATE HANFORD

Well, I am not a big fan but I thought we would take them (phone rings) Hey guys, that’s the inside line, can one of you get it?

MUNCK

Homicide….oh good morning, chief? Oh shit, no! Okay, where now?  Another one at the Fells Point? Okay. (long pause)  Hmmm…Okay…Yes, well… Yes…hmm, well that sounds promising at least. Yeah, I’ll get everyone on it except Tim and Beau are out on that Boy’s Latin case, yeah, the lacrosse player who collapsed, okay but I’ll get everyone else on it. Okay, guys and Kate, all hands on deck, my Bondage Mistress has struck again.

PEMBERTON

Where this time?

MUNCK

Another one at the Fells Point. Same deal. Tied up and handcuffed. Only this time chief says the bartender can give us a really good make on this broad.

PEMBERTON

Maybe this is your big break

MUNCK

Hope so. Giordano wants everyone on it and he wants both Kate and I to interview the bartender.

KATE HANFORD

All right, let’s go. Here John take this for some luck.

(hands him a coffee and a donut)

Scene 17

The  Fells Point Hotel Bar

BARTNDER #3

So it was slow that night, Tuesdays usually are.  So this guy, he had come in a couple times since he checked in Sunday night, some kind of traveling salesman (beat)  such a shame, seemed like a really nice guy, anyway around 8:30, this broad comes in, sits next to him— so naturally the guy starts trying to put the make on her, but she’s like really standoffish and sarcastic even. This broad—not your normal B-girl by any means  and certainly no Saturday night hon—very sophisticated, well-dressed…I overheard her say she’s a hometown gal but no Baltimore accent, in fact, she had that accent like in the movies…you know that high-class…oh what’s the word, aristocratic accent, that’s it…a lot like what’s her name, the one with Spencer Tracy? Right yeah, Katherine Hepburn…yes a real sophisticated lady. Anyway, for like an hour…she is giving this guy a really hard way to go….calling him a drug dealer because he pulls out a wad of bills…then all of the sudden the guy is asking to transfer to the Honeymoon Suite because the chick wants a hot tub. But we only had The Presidential Suite so—

KATE HANFORD

So  you said 5’10” maybe 5’11”? How could you tell? Was she wearing heels?

BARTENDER #3

Yes. But I factored that in.  I noticed when she got up she wore these black leather boots with 3” stiletto heels. I’m 6’1” and she was exactly my height.

KATE HANFORD

Oh good, great…any distinguishing marks…moles.

MARK

Well, she had a mole on her cheek, her right cheek but I am pretty sure that was make-up…pencil I guess… Really nice figure, nice sized ah well you know uh chest?

KATE HANFORD

Nice big tits, eh?

BARTENDER #3

Yes. (pause) Nice legs too, a beautiful statuesque br— er woman. Only thing is, besides being really tall, she had kind of broad shoulders yet she was quite stunning…seemed like a really powerful woman not the kind I could handle but then again, I’m (beat) well, uh…  anyway, yes she was striking and like I said brunette, medium length, not curly but not really straight either and I am quite sure it was natural, not a wig…I used to work at a bar where we got a lot of queens so I know wigs when I see ‘em….and like I said, high cheekbones, nice full lips, high eyebrows and natural, not penciled in…. beautiful long eyelashes, nicely painted and definitely not fake…yeah I think I can give you a nice rendering…

MUNCK

So you can come down tomorrow and do the artist rendering?

BARTENDER #3

Sure, detective, no problem.

MUNCK

And you promise won’t disappear

BARTENDER #3

I uh what?

KATE

The last time he had a bartender coming in to do make on this woman, the guy disappeared—

BARTENDER #3

Well, I uh know uh why should I uh—

MUNCK

Well, come to think of it. Can you just come down now? I mean well we are right down the street.

BARTENDER #3

Well I yes sure as long as I can get someone to cover…yes sure.

(blackout)

Scene

Radio “A Baltimore police spokesman said at a press conference yesterday that they have received no leads yet after releasing a sketch of a possible suspect in the murder that occurred last week at the Fells Point Hotel. The suspect, the so-called Bondage Mistress Murderess, is described as being…”

(KATE HANFORD enters)

KATE HANFORD

Hey John.  G just handed me this certified letter for you.

MUNCK

Certified? Delivered here?  Uh, okay thanks.

(Opens letters and starts to read it then folds it up and puts it back in the envelope)

MUNCK

Hey Kate, can you cover for me, I need to get a quick bite.

KATE

Well, Frank was thinking of getting some crabs as soon as Beau gets back and he is buying!

MUNCK

Sounds good but I need to runs some errands so…I think I’ll just grab something at the White Coffee Pot.

KATE

You’re passing up crabs at Connolly’s?

MUNCK

Yeah, Kate, tell Frank thanks though.

Scene ( White Coffe Pot phone booth)

MUNCK

Oh my God, Christopher…you aren’t going to believe this. (pause) I just received a uh registered letter from the Bondage Murder Mistress. (pause) Well, yes I opened it. (pause) No I wasn’t wearing gloves. (pause) Oh you are right, I didn’t even think of that, oh shit well, if I die in the next couple days then you’ll know…no, I am not going to the hospital…well…okay I will if I start feeling queasy (pause)  but no I can’t turn it over….let me  read it to you….verbatim…are you sitting down? (pause) Okay here goes. “Dear sniveling little faggot flatfoot…” (pause) Look just hold on and let me read it verbatim, okay?  “First, you will never find me or find out who I am, you donut-munching queer.  I don’t leave clues and that sketch of me that your bartender helped you create will never lead to me being found. I can change my appearance at the drop of a hat. On the other hand, if I ever do screw up and you find me, your dirty little secret will be known to the world and you will be fired, my feckless flatfooted fruitcake friend.  Finally, rest assured that there is nothing contained in this correspondence that can help you find me so you don’t need to be conflicted over whether or not you should turn this over to your forensics team of incompetents. Signed, The Bondage Murder Mistress” Okay that’s it. (long pause) No I am not going to turn it in. I’ll be fired. Yes, Chris, yes I see what you mean…yes okay, we’ll talk about it over dinner…at home of course, yeah, your lasagna would be nice and I’ll pick up some Mateus Rose and your Tia Maria for afterwards okay then.

Scene

(SETTING: MUNCK and CHRISTOPHER’s apartment, finishing dinner. . Al Greene’s Let’s Stay Together plays).

 

 

CHRISTOPHER

How do you know they’ll fire you, hon? This is 1979, in another few months, it’ll be new decade. Things are changing. I read that out in San Francisco a school teacher is filing a six million dollar lawsuit because she was fired for being a lesbian. I mean yeah, Anita Bryan may be alive and well… but this is Baltimore not Miami. We got a liberal mayor now. Spiro Agnew should be behind bars and that other crook Marvin Mandel is dead. The very neighborhood you used to walk the beat in is now represented by one of the most liberal women or— person for that matter—in Congress. Things are changing and the last thing the department needs is bad publicity. And, besides, you can just deny everything. I’ll even move out if I have to.

MUNCK

No, no, no hon…I love you and can’t live withoutcha, babes.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh that is so sweet but listen…worst case, we have money saved, we could get by until I graduate and pass the bar. We would not be on easy street…we’d just have to cut back…but we could make it. And another thing. If you don’t turn in that letter. Or if you destroy it. You could be charged with obstruction of justice and I wouldn’t be able to defend you. Not yet anyway.

MUNCK

Yes… well if they don’t fire me. Still…. Everyone would know what I am.

CHRISTOPHER

Stop it with the self-loathing crap, John. Can’t you see? Trying to stay in the closet is killing you? You just can’t go on living like this! We can’t go on living like this. Haven’t you heard about Gay Pride? Stonewall?  A new day is dawning.

MUNCK

Sorry, I can’t do it. I’m not ready.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, you have no choice. What if they find a print on that letter, John? You will be a hero. And haven’t you considered that the department will keep a lid on this. No way they’ll reveal that they got this letter. Not at least until you track down this killer. Which I know you will. But again, worst case. You get fired. We sue. You can work as a PD or in security. Then when I graduate, we’ll move out West and start a new life. But they won’t fire you, John.

MUNCK

I guess you are right, Chrissie.  (beat) Are my feet really flat?

CHRISTOPHER

Ha, no hon. In the meantime, get some gloves and seal that letter in a plastic bag.

Scene

(SETTING: Baltimore Police Department Fells Point Homicide Division office, MUNCK and KATE HANFORD alone at desks)

MUNCK

Well, no prints on the letter. Nothing. The letter was mailed, get this! From the Fells Point Post Office!   This woman is challenging, almost mocking me. We are getting an FBI profiler to look into the content of the letter to develop some kind of psychological make-up.

KATE HANFORD

So what’s with her calling you a flatfooted faggot…I wonder what that is all about?

MUNCK

Well, the FBI is trying to figure that out. She obviously just made it up but then again Kate—

KATE HANFORD

Yes?

MUNCK

Well, Kate I–

KATE HANFORD

Yes?

MUNCK

Well, there is no way she would have any way of knowing it but—

KATE

John, just go on, I’m your friend—

MUNCK

Well, the fact is that she was right. I am gay… but I don’t have flat feet. That’s not true. (beat) I have a boyfriend. He, Christopher, has been living with me for six months…and I’ve kept it secret. Its killing me, Kate it has been absolutely kill—

KATE HANFORD

–Oh so the phone calls. The cat sitter? Now it all makes sense.

MUNCK

Yes, ha. I don’t even have a cat except for Chris, he is a pretty cool cat. You know, I am really proud of him. In six months, he’ll have a law degree…wants to be a public defender though…don’t know how that’ll work—

KATE HANFORD

Well, it’ll all work out I’m sure…so when do I get to meet your sweetheart?

MUNCK

Soon and you know what else, he is so handsome, so smart and he can cook too!

KATE HANFORD

So John?

MUNCK

Yes?

KATE HANFORD

I’ve got a secret, too. (beat) I’m gay. I have a girlfriend. (beat) But…we don’t live together…yet.

MUNCK

Well, I always sort of…well, I kind of thought—

KATE HANFORD

Why? You think I’m a little butch, huh?

MUNCK

Well, no, they uh say that it takes one to know one. So, your girlfriend? Is she out?

KATE HANFORD

Yes, totally.

MUNCK

And I suppose she wants you to come out too.

KATE HANFORD

Of course.

MUNCK

Well, same with Christopher….we should have dinner and talk about it.

KATE HANFORD

Sounds good.

MUNCK

Say Kate?

KATE HANFORD

Yes?

MUNCK

Maybe we should both come out…together.

KATE HANFORD

Hmm….that’s an idea. They would have to fire the both of us.

MUNCK

Yes,  they would. (beat) They sure would.

(PEMBERTON enters)

Well, it looks like you too are really bonding! Working cases together will do that.

KATE HANFORD

Sure will.

MUNCK

Yes.

PEMBERTON

I had to laugh, Muncks. The chief got a laugh about our psycho bondage woman calling you a flatfooted faggot. Imagine…John Munck gay! What self-respecting gay could ever even be seen in public with a man with a face like yours.

MUNCK

Ha, yeah Frank and I don’t have flat-feet either.

PEMBERTON

So anyway fellas, I gotta run. Chief wants me on this other Red Ball.

KATE

Oh the Boy’s Latin…the lacrosse player?

PEMBERTON

Yes, looks like it might be a homicide after all—

MUNCK

All right then

KATE

See ya, Frank

(Frank exits)

(Cont’d)

So John?

MUNCK

Yes?

KATE

So, nothing on the letter. We know that. Expect we do have the content. All along you have been assuming that it came from the murderer—

MUNCK

Well no, of course, it could have just been written by some whacko—

KATE

Or…and this is just intuition—

MUNCK

There you go again with your damn feminine intuition…but yes go on, I have to admit your intuition has served you well.

KATE

Well, remember your mystery bartender…the one who disappeared….the one who was 5’10”?  Well…I think it came from him.

MUNCK

Why?

KATE

Just intuition but—

MUNCK

But he can’t be involved, he is a man!

KATE

Yes, but maybe he is a female impersonator—

MUNCK

Naw…we got a clear make that the Bondage Murder Mistress is indeed a mistress. (long pause) But then again….Kate, did you see Pink Flamingoes?

KATE

Uh yeah sure—

MUNCK

Well, yes that woman in the park…no one would have ever known. (beat) But the last we heard the guy skipped town.

KATE

Well, maybe the guy skipped town. Or maybe—  maybe the guy is right her in Baltimore…he could be right here right under our nose…maybe even living as a woman

MUNCK

Oh yeah just like that guy Robert Durst!

KATE

Robert Durst?

MUNCK

Yeah you know the guy who confessed on that documentary on HBO?

KATE

HBO?

MUNCK

HBO! Home Box Office!

KATE

Home—

MUNCK

Oh right! Never mind. I keep forgetting that this is still 1979.

KATE

John, are you feeling okay?

MUNCK

Well…I have been under a lot of stress—

KATE

Sometimes I really worry about you, John. Anyway, we should go back out and re-interview this guy’s neighbors…I should interview some of the guy’s neighbors.

MUNCK

Excellent idea, Kate, let’s go.

(black out then lights up)

(PEMBERTON enters)

PEMBERTON

So I hear you fellas got a new lead?

KATE

Frank, would you stop calling us fellas!

PEMBERTON

Oh, sorry Kate, I—

KATE

Apology accepted. So anyway yeah, I talked to this guy’s neighbors—you know the bartender who disappeared—well, she explained that the walls were so thin that when he had company you could hear every word but at least a couple of times when it was obvious he was alone, she would notice a woman leaving the apartment, she never got a good look at her but could only describe her as being tall and once the neighbor said she was a blonde and another time a redhead.

MUNCK

Another guy said he saw a tall redhead leaving the apartment early in the morning which he said struck him as odd because he thought the guy was gay.

PEMBERTON

Like I told you when you first mentioned the bartender, monkey man, the mystery bartender is your prime suspect.

MUNCK

Sure looks like it!

KATE

So, guys, we got to make sure that this information is kept under wraps. Can’t let Epstein get a hold of it. Wait no! Just the opposite, let’s get an artist rendering… one as a male… then we could have our artist do another as a woman…what the guy might look like as a woman. Then ask for the public’s help.

MUNCK

Brilliant!

PEMBERTON

Yes, great idea, Detective Hanford!

KATE

One other thing though. We should get another artist, other than our own Bernard who did our Mystery Woman sketch, to do it…. just to make sure that images of the mystery woman doesn’t subconsciously transfer to the new sketch.

PEMBERTON

Kate, you are indeed brilliant. So, let’s get Williams over at the Park Circle precinct. He’s excellent!

KATE

Yes, he’s good, great!

MUNCK

Agreed. I’ll give him a call.

(blackout)

(MUNCK, PEMBERTON and KATE HANFORD are huddled together looking at two artist sketches)

KATE

Well, I don’t know.

PEMBERTON

They do look similar yet—

MUNCK

Remember that Williams’ rendering is more artistic than scientific in that he created a woman from the male description. I do think there is some similarity though.

PEMBERTON

Just too bad none of the neighbors got a good look at this uh, woman.

KATE

Anyway, guys, it doesn’t really matter at this point because we have nothing on either one of them. (beat) So the new sketches are already out to the press?

MUNCK

Yeah. WJZ broke into “The Edge of Night” just an hour ago and is hyping it big league for the five o’clock news.

Next Scene

Radio: The O’s will open their 1984 Grapefruit League season next week against the Yankees Fort Lauderdale spring home. The Birds hope to defend their title by relying on stellar performances by Mike Boddicker, Cal Ripken, Jr., Eddie Murray and Rick Dempsey. The Yankees, who finished seven games behind the O’s

MUNCK

Did you see the Sunday Sun? Epstein is at it again! Fake news!

KATE HANFORD

Fake uh what? (beat) Anyway no, I was down the Ocean…what was it all about?

MUNCK

More stuff about how incompetent the department is. I am tired of the lamestream media and the fake news!

KATE HANFORD

Well, I uh…was it fake when he wrote how heroic we were when we both came out together?

MUNCK

Well no I guess not but he is harping about the unsolved Bondage Murder Mistress again. He just won’t let it go!

PEMBERTON enters

What’s he whining about now, Kate?

KATE HANFORD

Same old same old, Epstein’s article in the Sunday Sun Magazine, the Bondage Mistress again.

PEMBERTON

Yes, I am quite aware, Epstein interviewed me for the piece. Bright guy.

MUNCK

Oh Frank just because he—

PEMBERTON

–Yes he did do quite a job detailing my vast knowledge on the history of the emerging DNA technology that may soon help solve many of our cold cases including your mistress and my Arabber

KATE HANFORD

What about the White Glove case–

PEMBERTON

I don’t think so we don’t have any blood but who knows? So, Frank how long has it been since your mistress struck?

MUNCK

It will be exactly x years next month. Anyway, if we do solve the murder because we preserved the blood evidence that’ll show ‘em–

PEMBERTON

Yeah that’ll show them how brilliant I since it was my idea

MUNCK

Aw, Frank–

Next Scene

(SETTING: The Library Bar at the The Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel “What’s Love Got to Do with It” plays on the juke.)

MAN IN BAR #2

No, I’m not from LA either. I’m here for the pharmaceutical convention, leaving Monday and you?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Well I live here now… came out from Baltimore.  So, you’re a pharmacist?

MAN IN BAR#2

No. I am a sales rep.

MYSTERY WOMAN

So then, you are a drug dealer?

MAN IN BAR#2

I guess you could say that. Baltimore, eh. What brought you out here?

MYSTERY WOMAN

I was just looking for a more cosmopolitan lifestyle, the Charm City charm wasn’t enough to keep me there and a friend who moved out here in 82 had an extra room so—

MAN IN BAR

And what do you do for a liv—

MYSTERY WOMAN–

–I am a uh, I’m a free-lance writer

MAN IN BAR

Really?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Yes, still looking for a publisher for my groundbreaking book on feminism and I keep food on the table by writing inane drivel for women’s magazines and, of all things, The Saturday Evening Post.

MAN IN BAR #2

Feminism, huh, so you’re one of those women’s libbers?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Please Mr. Shanahan, is it? Sean Shanahan?  We are no longer referred to as women’s libbers! That is so 1970s!

MAN IN BAR #2

So sorry, uh, Tiffany I meant no harm, I am actually a liberal Democrat and supported the Equal Rights Amendment and detest that woman uh, Phyliss Schafly?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Schlafly. That woman needs to have the shit beat out of her… but I’m not here to talk

politics, just looking for a good time.

MAN IN BAR #2

We could have a good time!

MYSTERY WOMAN

You wouldn’t happen to have some samples? Quaaludes? Medical marijuana?

MAN IN BAR #2

Medical marijua—?

MYSTERY WOMAN

Oh, never mind. I got some killer sensemilla and my own ludes…let’s get a bottle of Stoli too…

MAN IN BAR #2

Gosh, Tiffany, you are so beautiful…there is something about you, that’s uh, different…I can’t put my finger on it—

MYSTERY WOMAN

No, you can’t, not now anyway—

MAN IN BAR #2

Ha! I’ll put more than a finger on it!

(Starts to grope her)

MYSTERY WOMAN

Whoa buddy, hold off on that! We’re in public!

MAN IN BAR #2

Sorry, yes, we are but not for long.

NEXT SCENE Fells Point BPD station “Against All Odds” plays on the radio then whirring sound
MUNCK

What’s that?

PEMBERTON

Looks like it’s our new machine whirring

MUNCK

Our new mach—

PEMBERTON

—Our new fax machine

MUNCK

Facts machine?

PEMBERTON

Fax..short for facsimile

MUNCK

So, we actually got something coming through?  How do you work that thing?

PEMBERTON

Just wait for it to come through…

MUNCK

Wouldn’t it be faster if they just sent it over the internet?

PEMBERTON

Inter—

MUNCK

You know email?

PEMBERTON

E-?

MUNCK

Oh, never mind

PEMBERTON (pulls out cover sheet)

Anyway, look it’s from the LAPD

MUNCK

Los Angeles?

PEMBERTON

Yes, my man, Los Angeles…(pulls out page one) is there another LA?  Oh, my Lord, you’ll want to take a look at this

MUNCK

Oh shit, Frank, she’s struck again?

PEMBERTON

Sure looks like it, Frank same MO, meets a guy in bar and he’s found tied up with his mouth duct-taped—* NOTE: go back and change the MO otherwise why couldn’t the victims call for help before dying

 

MUNCK

How do we know it’s not a copycat?

PEMBERTON

We don’t but it’s been awhile, so the public has largely forgotten about our Bondage Murder Mistress and the big thing out on the coast was that Zodiac killer. Still, you never know. So, they have the bartender coming in to get a sketch. They want everything you got on our killer. I guess you better learn how to use the fax machine. Wait, there is another page coming through…

[1] According to wiki, the first known ricin murder was September 1978 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incidents_involving_ricin

[2] “When it comes tires, wisest tire buyers come to Ezrine Tires for tires they require, wises tire buyers save at Ezrine Tires, Ezrine saves you more at every Ezrine store”)

[3] According to wiki, the first known ricin murder was September 1978 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incidents_involving_ricin

[4] The term first wave feminism was not coined until 1982 according to my research.

Glenda Gary Gwen Rose

#glendagarygwenrose

Glenda Gary, Gwen Rose First Complete Draft 5-26-2016 Slightly rev 5-27

by

Harper Nicole Anderson

with additional ideas and select language by Deborah C. Segal

© 2016 Harper Nicole Anderson and Deborah C. Segal

JOAN CONSTANTINE a fifty-something divorced spinster of sorts with a predilection for picking up young homeless guys and letting them shower in her home

MONICA-MELISSA a sixty-year-old woman who identifies as a lesbian, a returning student at Cal Berkeley, she is finding some success as an actor and playwright

SAMANTHA a fifty-something part time actor and full time employee for UCPD at the “bevatron”

  1. SCHMIDT, JOAN CONSTANTINE’s therapist

JULIETTE VINIAGRETTE homeless unofficial Berkeley poet laureate, a lesbian

(Roles of DR. SCHMIDT and JULIETTE can be doubled)

BOARDER

BRAD now twenty-one, a homeless guy and JOAN CONSTANTINE’s ex-boyfriend

(BRAD can be portrayed as an offstage voice)

TIME and Place The present; Berkeley California

 

SCENE I

A meeting at JOAN CONSTANTINE’s home to discuss the co-writing of their parody of Glengarry Glen Ross.

MS CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                      Would you like some of this soup I made. It’s delish!

SAMANTHA Yes, sure, thanks

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                     No thanks, So have you guys come up with any new ideas or, better yet, dialogue for our new scenario?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                No I just haven’t had the time—

JOAN CONSTANTINE

Me neither—

MONICA                                                                                                                                                                                      Well I have come up with a few things, tropes mostly—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                               What’s a trope?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                      Well, I am not sure I know how to explain it, I uh it’s kind a like a meme only—

JOAN CONSTANTINE (types into her smart phone)                                                                                                                Hold on here I got it (reads very rapidly) A trope is a word used in a nonliteral sense to create a powerful image. If you say, “Chicago’s worker bees buzz around the streets,” you’re using a trope—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                      —-Bees buzzing? What the—?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                        Trope may also refer to different types of figures of speech, such as puns, metaphors and—

SAMANTHA (with slight sarcasm)                                                                                                                              –Oh now I understand.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                            So I came up with a title Glenda Gary, Gwen Rose, which represent two main characters not the real estate they are selling and, of course, they are not selling real estate—

SAMANTHA (more sarcasm)                                                                                                                                                                 Of course—

JOAN CONSTANTINE (eagerly)                                                                                                                                                        What are they selling?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                              Well, instead of real estate, they are selling a course for women allegedly created by the granddaughter of Abraham Maslow.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                        Maslow?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                          The famed psychologist Abraham Maslow who created Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, (JOAN CONSTANTINE types into phone) you must have seen the pyramid.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                          Oh here you go, (shows screen to SAMANTHA) the lowest tier of the pyramid is basic needs, food, clothing, shelter, then safety and security, all the way to the top, self-actualization such as creativity, blah, blah

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                            The coursework guarantees that all women completing it will achieve the top of the Maslow Pyramid and if you haven’t already guessed, it’s a Multi-Level Marketing scheme. All  the salespeople—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                               –Wait a second! Let me get this straight. This is a pyramid scheme about reaching the top of Maslow’s pyramid?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                      Yes, I guess it is but as I was saying…All are part of an elite unit who are successful enough that they work fulltime and almost all the salespeople are cisgender women, mostly middle-aged except—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                     –What is a cisgender woman?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                               Well, it’s a person  whose birth gender matches the gender they were given when they were born—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                    Oh I think I get it.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                 So, AS I WAS SAYING, all are Cis-women except a very effeminate gay man and a beautiful and younger pre-op transgender woman. All the successful agents drive Pink Toyotas—top agents get Landcruisers— and the reps are generally responsible for prospecting their own leads. However, the top two salespeople will be awarded the coveted Gwen Rose leads—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                    –Why are they called the Gwen Rose leads?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                       Because the sales manager Gwen Rose will be distributing them!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                         Oh that’s the ones they’re going to steal?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                        YES! That’s the ones they are going to steal! For Christ’s sake!  But you are getting way ahead of me. Oh and one more minor yet important detail. Salespeople are also given weaker leads generated by schnorrers who—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                               Schnorrers?

MONICA-MELISSA (pauses and glares at SAMANTHA)                                                                 Yes, these schnorrers or freeloaders fill out raffle tickets in hopes of winning a new Yaris.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                          Yaris?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                           Stop! JUST STOP! (beat) Okay, if you must know, it’s the new Toyota Sub-compact that replaced the Echo—

JOAN CONSTANTINE (trying to be funny)                                                                                                 Hellooooo? Helooooooo?

MONICA-MELISSA (sighs at JOAN CONSTANTINE’s acting out)                                                                                                                          Anyway, Glenda Gary is the main character whose spouse has breast cancer. She once was the top agent but since her partner’s illness, her sales have plummeted and now she just struggles to keep her job so if nothing else she keeps her health insurance.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                            Oh based on the Jack Lemmon character, Shelley the Machine Levine—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                     Yes, and before you ask, this is the guy or in this case, the woman who steals the leads!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                       Maybe we could get Jack Lemmon in drag like in Some Like It Hot!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                          Except maybe that he’s been dead for like ten or twenty years!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                               Well, I guess not then—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                             Wow, MM, you have put a lot into this?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                          Well, that’s barely the beginning, speaking of which I am thinking of beginning the play similar to the first major scene in the film, remember the Alec Baldwin character who was on a mission of mercy?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                    Yes!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                          Oh yeah! He was great!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                            But I want to make the character somehow much different—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                             Instead of a man, we could make him a woman!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                           That’s not different, Sam, they are all—almost all–women!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                 Oh that’s right. Well maybe we can make him the effeminate man unless you had that trope in mind for another character

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                        Hmm, well I—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                  Why not make him the young pre-op tranny, imagine having to take orders from him—

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                      Hah! Not a bad idea but first of all, tranny is a slur and secondly transsexual women are to be called by their preferred pronouns: she and her. Jeesh! Haven’t you watched Kiss Me Caitlin or Call Me Caitlin or whatever they call that fercockta show?

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                     Okay she and her. Got it!

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                    Anyway, a young and beautiful pre-op transwoman exercising authority over these older and not-as-successful and maybe not-even-as-pretty cisgender women might be an excellent trope!

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                Could I get some more of this soup, Joan?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                        Oh sure!

(JOAN CONSTANTINE picks up SAMANTHA’s bowl and exits)

 

SAMANTHA (almost whispering)                                                                                                                       You know I am starting to worry about Joan. First of all, I think that she is still in love with Brad—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                     Who’s Brad?

SAMANTHA (snickering)                                                                                                                         Oh you mean she hasn’t told you about Brad?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                             No

SAMANTHA (hearing that JOAN CONSTANTINE is leaving the kitchen)                                                                          Oh that’s a long story, I will fill you in later but apparently she is in recovery for co-dependency, she has a bad habit of picking up homeless guys?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                              Homeless guys?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                     Yeah, you know those guys that hang outside the Amoeba on Telegraph—

(stops as she hears JOAN CONSTANTINE approaching)

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                              Here we go, more soup! Still some left, sure you don’t want some, MM?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                  No thanks JC.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                      So won’t Mamet sue us for copyright infringement?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                No he can’t, it’s a parody and parodies are protected under the First Amendment right of free expression. I think that I recall the latest case involving Two Live Crew and Weird Al Yanko—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                    –Two Live Crew?

MONICA-MELISSA (tersely)                                                                                                                                   Two Live Crew! A rap group form Miami! You know “Me So Horny”

MS CONSTANINE starts singing

Oh me so horny, Oh me so horny, oh me so horny, you love me long time

MONICA-MELISSA glares at her and she stops.)

(cont’d)                                                                                                                                                                                   Anyway, I am pretty sure it is settled law, far more settled I would venture to say than whether or not individuals can own guns.[1]

(JOAN CONSTANTINE laughs, SAMANTHA scratches her temple)

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                            Have you written any dialogue yet, MM?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                           Besides scribbling down a few lines, no not really but I have thought a lot about, as I said, various tropes and memes.

(SAMANTHA starts to talk but stops                                                                                                     when MONICA-MELISSA stares her down)

(Cont’d)  For instance, I will portray men as being weak. I will try to turn language on its head. Like instead of a word like say, pussy conveying weakness, it will convey strength! In the world of Glenda Gary Gwen Rose saying “he’s da man” will become an insult.

SAMANTHA   (disappointed)                                                                                                                                                       So we have nothing to read tonight?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                    No but maybe we’ll work on our monologues…

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                    Alright I guess—JOAN CONSTANTINE, got any more of that soup?

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                   Sure, hon.

(JOAN CONSTANTINE picks up SAMANTHA’s bowl and exits)

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                 So tell me more about Brad!

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                           Well, I will need to fill you in on Brad later but the thing that amazes me is she is still doing it. Just last week she was telling me about this other guy–this homeless guy—well she was telling me about this guy she met by the name of Goat, can you imagine? Anyways, this guy Goat—

 

(fade to black)

Scene II

Another meeting at JOAN CONSTANTINE’s home (JOAN CONSTANTINE and MONICA-MELISSA are seated in JOAN CONSTANTINE’s living room.)

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                    I have got to tend to the vegan chili I am making… when Sam shows up just let her in, meantime, will you take a look at some of the dialogue I wrote, I think you’ll like it and Herb told me—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Herb?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Yes, Herb, you know the guy who published the play I wrote about the Tate-La Bianca Murders He has been mentoring me, and suggested that I adopt a type of Chekhovian dialogue in which the characters simply talk about stuff.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                                   Just talk about stuff?

JOAN CONSTANTINE   (enthusiastically)                                                                                                                                                                                               So I have been reading The Seagull for inspiration.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                    Well, I can hardly wait. Okay well I’ll have a look at these then while you…

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Okay then (exits to kitchen)

 

(MONICA-MELISSA shuffles through papers, reads a bit then                                                                                                                          puts the papers down and looks at her watch, reads a bit more, then the doorbell rings and she goes to the door)

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                          Hey, sorry I’m late…

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                    Joan said just have a seat while she finishes making her chili, she left me some dialogue to read but it’s fairly tepid— tedious and pedantic actually—you see, Herb, you know the guy you told me she slept with so he would publish her play? He’s mentoring her, the ultimate case of the blind leading the blind as it were—he told her to write Chekhovian dialogue (pause) which apparently she interprets to mean that she should have her characters talk about nothing— but far more compelling, perhaps, is that you never finished telling me about Brad…

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                      Oh my God well, again, that’s a really long story, but first, I gotta tell you the latest, Joan’s been practicing target-shooting.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                               Bows and arrows I hope?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                    No, guns! Pistols! A Glock!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                      Where? There are pistol ranges in Berkeley?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                 No, out in Antioch somewhere.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                        As if they need more bullets flying in Antioch!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                                                              I suppose. Anyway, Brad left her the gun, said she’d need it for protection. Funny though seeing that she might have needed it more back then—that is, to protect herself from him.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                                                       How long has Brad been gone?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                              It’s been awhile like, uh—

 

 

(JOAN CONSTANTINE enters carrying tray)

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                      Got some delish vegan chili coming, ladies! (putting down three bowls of chili and a plate of rolls on the coffee table) Hi Sam, there you go, you’re gonna have some too, MM?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                                       Oh sure, a little, it is vegan though?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                  A hundred-percent! (beat) Had a chance to look at my drafts?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                                           No, not really.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Is it okay if I read you ladies some of my stuff?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                         I am sure Monica-Melissa can’t wait to hear them.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                                                            I’m all ears.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                    Okay let me see. Okay so have we named the transwoman character yet, the Alec Baldwin prototype?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                                              Not yet.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                            How about Penelope Petrilovich?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                               Ha! Penelope PETROLovich. That’s a real gas!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                             She might add some real fuel to the fire!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                    Indeed.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                               But it’s Petrolivich not Petrolovich

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                Petrolovich, Petrilovich, whatever…well…okay then, but mainly because I like alliteration.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                Alliteration?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                          Oh, please let’s not start that again! Joan, just, just go ahead and read!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                             So here goes, Penelope is at a sales meeting discussing the fate of women up until recent times, okay then here we go,

Nurses, Barmaids, Teachers, Waitresses,                                                                                                                                    Sex Slaves, Downstairs Maids and Mistresses,                                                                                                     Receptionists, Typists, the lowly Milk Maiden                                                                                                                             All of these, so common, so barren, so craven                                                                                                                                                   This was to be our fate,                                                                                                                                                                     Thus She  spoke, the Great Mama Raven

In me are the souls of Elektra, Medea, Madame Bovary, Troy’s Helen                                                               Hecuba, Hepburn, Holiday and Ellen                                                                                                                             Sacagawea, Eleanor, Iphigenia, Yoko Ono                                                                                                                                      Janis, Barbra, Ella and, yes, even Cher Bono                                                                                                                                    In me are all the souls of all women past and that of the lowest worm. So here I stand before you ladies, look into my womb—

SAMANTHA (interrupting)                                                                                                                                                       Do you have any Tylenol, Joan?

MONICA-MELISSA (laughing)                                                                                                                                                                  Oh it’s giving you a headache too. Well, I thought it was great but decadent. You, you symbolist! (laughs) Okay, so that’s your Chekhovian monologue, a feminine version of  Treplev, as it were. Good effort, but it makes no sense whatsoever in the context of the Glenda Gary Gwen Rose plot.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                  Well Sam cut me off before I got to the motivational part, the part where I explain that the Maslow Method for Women can ultimately reverse the Patriarchal Hegemony.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                         Patriarchal Hegemon—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                               Oh Christ, here we go again. Look, let’s take a break and have some chili and those rolls look delicious….

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                              Straight out of the oven…from scratch!

 

(All stop for a few moments and eat)

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                  Mmm, they are good… Well, they say if you can learn how to bake, you can learn how to become a playwright.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                          Who said that?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                    Uh—um, Aristotle?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                             Oh

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                              Anyway, these rolls are superb, and if I might impose, could I trouble you for another small portion of the chili?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                        Sure and I am having some Almaden Chardonnay, would you like some Sam and some more water for you, MM?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                   Water’s great.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                       A little wine is fine…and I’ll have some more chili too

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Okay then

(picks up bowls and exits)

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                             Looks like she moved a step up from Carlo Rossi in a box.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                 Well, I guess that the exposure to Chekhov might elevate one’s taste. So you were telling me Brad left her a gun, a Glock?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                                     Yes but I still can’t figure out why the cops didn’t take it?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                            The cops?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                             The SWAT team.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                                        The SWAT team?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                        Oh that’s right I hadn’t gotten to that part, well that’s how the story ends. Joan asked Brad to leave and they got into a violent argument that ended with a SWAT team removing Brad from the house.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                   So, that’s how it ended but how did it start, for heaven’s sake?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                          Well, as I was saying those guys that hang out on Telegraph, he was one of them. He was nineteen when she met him—NINETEEN!  And it all started when he asked her if he could take occasional showers at her house—

JOAN CONSTANTINE (enters carrying tray)                                                                                                                                                                Okay, ladies, here we go, wine, more soup, and water for MM!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                                    Thanks, JC!!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                          Thanks, (takes sip of wine) oh (rather surprised) this is nice, mellow, fine bouquet—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                 So you gals never let me get into the part of my speech where the character explains that the Maslow Method for Women can reverse the Global Patriarchal Hegemony…

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                            Global Patriarchal HegeMOny? (pronounces with accent on the third syllable) What’s hegeMOny?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                   Enough already!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                             No, no that’s all right, I-I’ll look it up for her (types into her smart phone) Okay, here you go from Wikipedia… (begins reading rapidly but slows down when she begins doubting what she’s reading) Patriarchal hegemony: A key part of the wholly imaginary worldwide conspiracy against women. This fictional force, blah, blah, blah would seek to deny women their most basic and fundamental rights, if they existed, which they don’t. Through various publicity stunts, like burning brassieres and chaining themselves to fences, feminazis have slowly eroded men’s rights to the point where they are barely able to make jokes about women at all, existing merely as servants to the women’s every whim. Patriarchal Hegemony is living in every person who believes that women HAVE NOT been subjected to years of struggle under the dominance of men. since people could conceive of ideas like “Do I want to have sex with this person?” It pretty much when people asked “Do I want to have sex with this person?’  In other words, Men wanting to bone women—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                       –This is from Wikipedia?

JOAN CONSTANTINE

(ignores MONICA-MELISSA and keeps reading)

–and later realized they didn’t want to bone them for a number reasons such as financial instability, smoking too much marijuana, stupidity, and lack of transportation or erectile dysfunction. After man realized that they were physically stronger they decided that it might be better just to abuse women into submission. Then after the Bible—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                                 Stop! Are you SURE this is from Wikipedia?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                        Well, yes, no wait…it’s from wikia.com…not Wikipedia.com… the Uncyclopdia  (pause) Well, it sure LOOKED like Wikipedia…

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                     Oh, for crying out loud!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                              I’m so confused

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                              Hold on now (types into phone) Let me see well I can’t seem to find anything else on Patriarchal Hegemony—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                   Could that be because it’s a made-up term?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                            No wait, I found something… Review: Gender Struggles: Patriarchal Hegemony in Colonial Massachusetts…but it requires a Cal Berkeley log in…

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                             Ha! No patriarchy there.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                              Yes, it certainly was burning issue then. Patriarchal Hegemony to the nth degree.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                 I don’t get it.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                      Look, guys, we are really getting off track, I’ll look over the rest of Joan’s dialogue later but I really think it doesn’t fit, it’s far too abstract…

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                I think we need to give Joan a chance.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                       We did. We let her read but it obviously doesn’t work.

(Seeing that JOAN CONSTANTINE seems hurt)

(Cont’d)                                                                                                                          Look, I am sorry but I-I just have to be honest. Play writing is difficult.  Keep writing though `and maybe we can find a way to use some of it. (beat) And always remember to apply the Marsha Norman exercise to every scene. And that all dialogue must either develop character or move the plot forward.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                      Well, I will write. I will continue to write because I must! I must WRITE! (beat) Wait! That’s a character talking…

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                            Or, perhaps, the wine?

 

(SAMANTHA snickers as JOAN CONSTANTINE, still a bit hurt,                                                                                                                         begins to pick up the dishes)

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                    Okay, ladies, well I know I am just a hack but…

 

(begins to take dishes to the kitchen)

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                    Need any help with those?

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                            No, I’ll manage.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                         Well, the food was fantastic! Thanks, JC,

JOAN CONSTANTINE (as she walks to kitchen)                                                                                                                                                                                    You’re welcome, MM.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                       So let me get this straight, she starts inviting a nineteen year-old homeless guy to come take showers in her house? When was this?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                      Oh well, I guess it was a little over a year ago, maybe. So the guy starts coming around like twice a week, taking showers, then he asks if he can store his gear here. Then one night, Joan, I think she was stoned on weed and wine, she brings him a towel and notices through the shower curtain that he is masturbating. So she’s like handing him the towel, he takes it with one hand while keeping his other hand on his… his, well you know, so Joan asks him if it would be okay to, like, watch him masturbate and he says sure…well, that’s how it all got started, they wound up fucking that night, I would suppose—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                                   Wait, now… Joan is… how old?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Fifty-five now

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                     And Brad was nineteen?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                           Just barely!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                 You straight women are something I tell you. Not that I haven’t had my flings with younger guys— and women. But, my goodness, if you want a man, they’re a dime a dozen, I can’t understand why she is scraping the bottom of the barrel!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                    It’s an illness, an addiction, co-dependency is what she calls it—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                               Well, I have spent nearly ten years in AA, NA and even been to a couple of SLA meetings and heard many people talk about codependency but never have I heard a case like this, a predilection for homeless guys…I’m sorry I guess I am being a bit judgmental—

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                            You think?  (beat) Well, I am worried about her. She was telling about another guy that she only put up for a couple weeks before she threw his shit out on the street and I think I overheard her telling her mom that this guy said he was going to come back—apparently he’s back down in San Bernardino or someplace—anyway, she was telling her mom that he was going to come back and hurt her and…that’s why I think she’s been practicing target shooting.

JOAN CONSTANTINE (returning from kitchen)                                                                                                                                                       Well, ladies, it’s been a lovely evening…

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                         It sure has been—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                     Yes, an enjoyable time but we didn’t really get much accomplished, guys…perhaps, we can meet later in the week, are you all free Friday afternoon, say around 3pm.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                             I guess…

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Sure, I’m in, oh wait no, I have a therapy appointment at 2:30 so I won’t be back until about 4:30-5pm, then again so maybe we could—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                  And I am starting rehearsals this week every night except Sundays.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                       Yeah, I heard that you got a part in “Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmie Dean, Jimmie Dean”?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                        Yes, as Juanita…(with a Texas accent) I guess mainly cause of my killer Texican accent (doing Juanita) “Jimmie Dean, Jimmie Dean? You come back to the five and dime right now, Jimmie Dean”—but I am real excited about this project too and somehow we have to make time to keep moving it forward. I’ll keep writing and JC you keep writing too. I am sure we can find a way to make it mesh.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                               Okay, I will, thanks MM

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                    So I’ll let you guys know later in the week about Sunday

(fade to black)

 

Scene III

JOAN CONSTANTINE sees her Therapist: Dr. Natasha Schmidt

(DR. SCHMIDT sits at her desk in a cramped, disheveled 8×10 office. On one side is a bookshelf crammed with books, magazines and old newspapers and strewn everywhere else are floor-to-ceiling piles of folders. JOAN CONSTANTINE sits opposite of her slouched in a folding chair.)

 

  1. SCHMIDT So how’s your week been going?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                      (angry) The week? (angrier)  My week? What about my last SIX weeks? Six weeks since I have been able to see someone in this fercockta Kaiser health care rip-off. You know what I am going to do? I am going to organize a protest—a protest to expose Kaiser’s cockamamie mental health siphoning of care. Be well and thrive! What a fucking joke! You pay Martha Stewart a million dollars to do your TV commercials* and—

  1. SCHMIDT ——-That’s not Martha Stewart—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                    —if you didn’t pay her a million dollars—

  1. SCHMIDT —It’s an actor that sounds like Martha Stewart—

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                     —maybe then you would have more money to provide your members with decent health care—

 

  1. SCHMIDT So by the sounds of it, you’re off your meds again?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                     Don’t you recall? You were going to change my meds so I can have my one glass of wine that I enjoy every day.

  1. SCHMIDT Oh, that’s right. I have looked into it and I really can’t find anything that you can mix with alcohol. But you seem really agitated. Would you consider Anger Control therapy, that’ll give you some support between our sessions?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                              I don’t know. I don’t particularly like hanging out with a bunch of guys who beat their wives.

  1. SCHMIDT I think it will do you good.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                 Well, okay, maybe.

  1. SCHMIDT                                                                                                             And the twelve-step codependency group, how’s that been going?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                     Haven’t gone.

  1. SCHMIDT Mizz Constantine, I really think you need to start taking care of yourself. And the Pilates and the nature walks? Remember you told me how much better you feel when you do those? I imagine they have fallen by the wayside as well?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                      Yes

  1. SCHMIDT Well Mizz Constantine…Joan… I don’t know what to say, you come here wanting help but you don’t seem to want to help yourself. Charity begins at home—or something like that—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                So far I have been sitting in this shithole of an office for twenty minutes and all you have done is browbeat me for not having done this or that or the other. We have NOT spent a single minute on what’s bothering me. I am not paying you to browbeat me. I am paying you to HELP me.

  1. SCHMIDT So— how is it that I can help you?

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                    Jesus Christ! You sound like a fucking used car salesman? How can I help you today? Would you like to drive this baby home? Huh, huh? You’re pathetic!

  1. SCHMIDT Look, Joan, we are not her to discuss me if you want I can get you a new therapist—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                               Why? The next one might be even less competent than you. If I could afford it, I would go outside the system but I can’t… maybe I shouldn’t have retired early seeing that it’ll be another six years before I can collect Social Security and years before my pension kicks in. Meantime, all I have is the pittance I get for the back room and she’s moving out after the semester. I don’t know what the fuck I am going to do for money. And by the way, I am now paying $350 a month in COBRA payments for this shitty health care! Three hundred and fifty dollars for this! I can’t sleep at night. My binge eating has returned and I have these severe migraines. And I miss Brad! I really, really, really miss Brad! And besides that this other guy that I had put up—

  1. SCHMIDT Another guy? Another homeless guy? Who?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                    His name is Zack if you must know. Anyway, this guy was real trouble—I could see it coming so –I only agreed to let him store his gear in my backyard?

  1. SCHMIDT Your backyard?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                          My backyard shed.

  1. SCHMIDT Oh

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                     So he starts coming by all the time and I think he was shooting smack, plus, I noticed he had a gun in his gear

  1. SCHMIDT A gun in his gear?

JOAN CONSTANTINE.                                                                                                                                                                                  Yes, he carried a pistol in his pack, a Beretta in his bindle and not only that I think he was a paranoid-schizophrenic, back then, the Black Lives Matters Protests were going on and there were helicopters every night and he thought the helicopters were Black Hawks coming after him because they thought he was KGB agent.

  1. SCHMIDT KGB?  Well they haven’t existed since the breakup of the Soviet—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                           No shit but this guy was not dealing with a full deck—and he kept hanging around and refused to leave.

DR SCHMIDT                                                                                                                                                       So why—why didn’t you take steps to have him removed?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                  No, don’t do the po, bro!

  1. SCHMIDT The po? BRO?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                 Don’t do the po no mo!

  1.                                                                                                                                            SCHMIDT                                                                                                                                                                       Po…no…mo? Miss Constantine, would you kindly speak English?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                       THE po, you know?

  1. SCHMIDT Edgar Allen Poe? What does he have to do with it?

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE (dramatically)                                                                                                                                        Once upon a midnight dreary—

 

  1. SCHMIDT      Miss Constantine!

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                   –while I pondered, weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore. While I nodded, nearly napping—

 

  1. SCHMIDT –Joan!—

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                     –suddenly there came a tapping as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door—

  1. SCHMIDT –JOAN Constantine! —

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                          ’Tis some visitor, I muttered, tapping at my chamber door—Only this and nothing more—

  1. SCHMIDT –Enough!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                          Well, that’s all I know and no not Edgar Allen Poe, silly. I don’t do the po no mo cause the last time I called the po—the police–they wound up sending in a SWAT team and they almost shot Brad!!

  1. SCHMIDT Okay, yes I think I remember you telling me—so you don’t call the police anymore—so what exactly did you wind up doing?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                             Well, this guy Zack refused to leave so I threw his shit out on the street and locked the doors and   I haven’t seen him since but then I was talking to this guy on Telegraph the other night. This guy goat—

  1. SCHMIDT Zygote? Joan, I know you like ‘em young but can’t you wait until they are at least full term?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                             Not ZY-gote this guy goat— oh he’s real cute too, got dreadlocks down to here and he’s like 45— close to being age-appropriate—he told me that his real name was Dave but he changed it to GOAT—

  1. SCHMIDT                                                              Why would anyone change his name to Goat?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                        Because it stands for Greatest of All Time! Isn’t that the bomb?

(DR. SCHMIDT just sighs)

(Cont’d)                                                                                                                                                 Well, I thought it was anyway.

  1. SCHMIDT So  Joan,. back to Zack?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                     Oh, right, well Goat was telling me that he talked to Zack, he’s down in San Bernardino or some God-forsaken place, and he’s really pissed and that he is going to hurt me the next time he comes up to Berkeley, hurt me real bad…

  1. SCHMIDT So Joan, as I was saying, you need to really start taking care of yourself, can you not see that this sort of behavior is putting yourself at risk, that you are putting yourself in GRAVE danger?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                               Yes, well, I can’t seem to help myself. I was thinking of just renting out the house [2] and moving in with my mom, she needs my help anyway I mean she is getting up there, ya know plus she is recovering from food poisoning! She started eating vegan and got some bad organic veggies from Costco, damn them!

Dr. SCHMIDT                                                                                                                                                                            So how is she doing?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                         I mean what kind of country are we living in? If you can’t trust Costco I mean who can you trust? (beat) Oh she’s doing really well but she is still kind of weak—

  1. SCHMIDT                                                                                                                               If you need to do this for your mom’s sake that’s fine but it is not going to do anything for your long term recovery and if that’s the sole reason—to keep you from being able to pick up homeless guys—I would advise against it.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                            Well, I got to do something.

  1. SCHMIDT Yes, you do.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                              Well, I did.

  1. SCHMIDT You did?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                      Yes, I did something

DR SCHMIDT                                                                                                                                         Something?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                         Something to protect myself

DR SCHMIDT                                                                                                                                                      To protect yourself?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                               So, well, you know Brad left me a gun—

  1. SCHMIDT                                                                                                                          A gun? I thought Zack was the one with the gun—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                       Well Brad was packin’ too

  1. SCHMIDT (muttering) Oh my Lord

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                      Yes, so he left me a gun so I could protect myself. And I have been learning how to use it, taking target practice—

  1. SCHMIDT Oh Miss Constantine, I don’t know what to say. You’re an intelligent woman and you must know that most guns purportedly to be used for an individual’s protection end up harming the individual or a loved one. I must ask you to turn that gun in.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                 Well I won’t. I need it to protect myself.

  1. SCHMIDT Well, Ms Constantine, I have done about as much as I can do with you, I just don’t know where to turn. (long pause) Would you consider getting back on Zoloft? It seemed to really help but you would have to stop drinking, you would have to promise not to mix the two.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                 Well, I can’t do that, I enjoy my wine too much…say… maybe you can prescribe me medical marijuana?

  1. SCHMIDT I don’t prescribe pot and I certainly would not prescribe it to someone with such an addictive personality.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                         I have an addictive personality?

  1. SCHMIDT. Joan!  Denial is not a river in Egypt.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                    I suppose—not.

  1. SCHMIDT Well, we’re running out of time but at least promise me, you will start going back to meetings and I will set you up with an Anger Control group. And please, please, please, turn the gun in.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                        I will give it some thought but the target practice is really helping me with my self-esteem…feeling powerful!

  1. SCHMIDT                                                                                                                                    Seems to me you could find some other way to build your self-esteem…why not martial arts or something?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                          Not a bad idea…but for now, I am just going to keep exercising my Second Amendment rights.

  1. SCHMIDT (with resignation) Okay, Joan, well we are out of time but at least you will resume the Co-dependency group meetings and I’ll sign you up for the Tuesday night Anger Control group.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Okay…I Guess

(blackout)

Scene IV

Another meeting in JOAN CONSTANTINE’s living room

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                            Hello, Sam, early for a change, huh?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                          Yes, I know…but I didn’t work today so and I also got a good night’s sleep last night so—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                      Yeah you said I know you been telling me you haven’t been sleeping well—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                           It’s the job, I hate my job—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                Well of all the things that I might imagine that you might do for a living, the last one I would ever think of would be that you worked in any capacity for the UCPD—

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                Yeah, you know everyone says the same thing, in fact that is very same thing Monica-Melissa said when she found out—makes me think that maybe I am not suited for this type work

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                      What exactly is it that you do for the police, MM was wondering that too, as a matter of fact.

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                 Well, I work security up at the bevatron, really boring yet stressful too especially with these damn swing-shifts, I can never get enough rest. Is Monica-Melissa coming?

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                 Bevatron? I thought you worked up at the lab?

 

SAMANTHA Same thing except Monica-Melissa always calls it “the bevatron”. I don’t know why….you have to ask her.

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE

I will and anyway yes, she said she’d be here by five but you’re early, it’s only twenty till—

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                           Oh wait I do remember her telling me. She says it’s a reference to something in “Why I Write” by Joan Didion

JOAN CONSTANTINE Joan who?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                        Didion, Joan, Joan Didion

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                   Never heard of her

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                             Really? Anyway, Monica-Melissa said that for some reason when Didino wrote about the lights being on at The Bevatron, it always stuck with her, so she always refers to it in the Didionesque manner of calling it the bevatron…anyway….I think she’s really smart and a great writer—Monica-Melissa that is…of course Didion is a great writer too and I am surprised you never read her–anyway Monica-Melissa did get that one play produced and she’s actually in a play which is more than we have accomplished but I don’t think she gives you a chance, your writing is really good but she doesn’t give you much of a chance.

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                     Well, I have my style and she has her voice which is very strong and even though we are supposed to be co-writing this thing, I don’t think it can mesh unless we actually like physically spend time together, I am thinking we might have to sit for hours with yellow legal pads the way Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Woody Allen and Neil Simon might have done it when they wrote for Sid Caesar. I am fine with her using my ideas though.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                         Well, I have learned a lot working with her, probably as much as I learned from Josh actually.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                   Well, there’s only so much you can learn in an acting class that only meets one hour a week.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                           Plus Monica-Melissa has this presence, and this passion this drive—plus she is really attractive.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                             Why then do you seem to like trying to get under her skin?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                         Well, uh, it’s just my way of flirting, I guess—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                              Flirting? But you are straight!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                              Well, yes, I have only been with men—up until now, that is—but there is just something about her, her forcefulness, her dominance, her presence, I have to admit, I have a really deep crush—

 

MONICA-MELISSA (flinging open the screen-door)                                                                                                                    You guys are not going to believe what happened to me last night!

(JOAN CONSTANTINE and SAMANTHA both throw up their hands in surprise)

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                Oh sorry I startled you guys but the door was open—

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                              So what happened?

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                    Well, last night I am walking home on Telegraph, after rehearsal, must have been about ten-thirty, when all of the sudden, this guy appears before me who turns out to be the Southside Flasher—I got flashed by the Southside Flasher!

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE (laughing)                                                                                                                                                              Oh my God, you’re kidding!

 

SAMANTHA (smiling)                                                                                                                                                           No shit!

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                     So just like on the news reports, he was wearing a fedora and a black trench coat and he just like jumps in front of me, opens his coat and exposes himself, only what he exposes is not his dick but like a twelve inch long kielbasa tied to his pants zipper! So I start to scream but then I just start laughing and before I know it the guy had just disappeared into thin air!

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                          Monica-Melissa, tell me, before he accosted you were you doing one of these? (makes gesture with thumbs as if texting on a smart phone)

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                       I sure was but how the devil did you know?

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                              Well, it hasn’t been divulged to the public yet but so far, several of the women who reported being accosted by this guy or guys have reported that they were texting when he attacked, that is the one commonality besides the fedora, the trench coat, the locale, always on or near Telegraph within blocks of the campus and  the kielbasa —although the size of the sausage has varied from six inches to over a foot.

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                  Well, I suppose all that flashing does tend to work up an appetite.

 

MONICA-MELISSA (at first puzzled)                                                                                                      Oh, I get it.

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                          Sam, you mentioned “this guy— or guys?” There might be more than one?

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                  Well, the funny thing is…now, remember most of these women are millennials who walk the streets even late at night oblivious to their surroundings– so we haven’t got a real good description of this creep, except that he is white or possibly Latino with no facial hair but we have had a few women tell us he has short hair, a few tell us long stringy hair and yet others report that he wears dreadlocks. So we think that it might be several guys who are getting a hard-on accosting young women late at night.

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                   So why haven’t they arrested this guy—or guys?

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                        Well, I don’t know but, so far, none of the incidents have occurred on campus so the case is out of our jurisdiction and, besides, even if the incident were to occur on campus we’re not so sure what to charge him with—

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                            So this guy is going around terrorizing women and they aren’t going to charge him with anything?

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                      I didn’t say we wouldn’t charge him just that we wouldn’t know exactly with what, on the other hand—

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                       The other hand?

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                  On the other hand—

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                 I don’t think we’re talking about hands here.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                          Well, on the OTHER hand, there are some who feel the guy—or guys—is doing us a service—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                               A service?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                      Yes, he–or they—are making women become more aware of their surroundings, especially late at night—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                        So maybe this guy is an undercover cop going rogue? (beat)  Anyway,  JC could you fire up the samovar?

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                       Fire up the samo-what?

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                         Samantha would like some tea.

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                   I would?

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                Yes, you would (pause) and I might like some too…

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                     Well, I don’t have a whatchamacallit but I have a kettle…

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                            Great, thanks JC

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                      And yes, I suppose I will have some with a little milk, please?

(JOAN CONSTANTINE exits)

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                        What was that all about?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                        Well, first, I just wanted to see if she has really been studying Chekhov—she obviously hasn’t— and secondly, I wanted to get the latest dirt—oh but I gotta tell you this first (pause) the flasher guy, I didn’t want to mention this to Joan but the guy who flashed me looked EXACTLY like the way JC described that guy GOAT!

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                          You’re kidding!

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                      As God is my witness! Dreadlocks down to here, pencil thin mustache, goatee, and dark-complected! But anyway listen give me the latest on our pistol-packin’ colleague!

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                  Well, I am really starting to worry about her, on top of everything else, she is having severe financial problems—

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                Really? That’s news, didn’t she say she was going to put up some cash to help us finance the show?

 

SAMANTHA.                                                                                                                                    Yes, that’s what she said, but I think she was intending to get that money from her mother, who looked at it as an investment because she really bought into Joan’s new career — I mean if you really want to call it a career — but now, with Joan’s behavior, you know practicing at the pistol range and all that, her mom is kind of afraid that she’s going off the deep end.

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                     Well I’m really worried about her. Someone with a gun and practicing target shooting with financial problems worries me — deeply.

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                           Oh I wanted to tell you one another thing but this is really a deep, deep secret—

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                        Yes?

 

SAMANTHA (leaning over as if to whisper in MONICA-MELISSA’s ear but instead French kisses her ear, MONICA-MELISSA kisses SAMANTHA on the lips and the two embrace passionately. JOAN CONSTANTINE enters, startled, she drops the tray of tea on the floor.)

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE.                                                                                                                                                       Oh my God you two! Get a room.

 

MONICA-MELISSA (exhaling) Uh—we ARE in a room?

 

SAMANTHA Whew! Wow, no man has ever kissed me like that!

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                         No shit!

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE’S BOARDER   (yelling from the dining room)                                                                                                                                    Joan, what’s going on in there?

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                  Oh I’ve broken a saucer!

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE’S BOARDER.                                                                                                                            Well, maybe it will bring you luck!

 

MONICA-MELISSA.                                                                                                                                       Now that was truly Chekhovian

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                        Huh?

SAMANTHA and MM snicker

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                       Oh I hope that wasn’t—

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                        No something from the dollar store (beat) So would you guys like me to make some more tea?

 

No thanks

JOAN CONSTANTINE,                                                                                                               Okay guys then I’ll be right back,

 

Romantic interlude little more gossip

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                    So ladies, think we might not now get down to some work?

SAMANTHA Sure

 

MONICA-MELISSA Yes, the opening scene—

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                       Well I wrote about a half a page of dialogue between Glenda and her sales manager Gwen.

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                              I actually wrote a whole scene with Glenda, Penelope Petrilovich, remember, the transwoman from the LA office on a mission of mercy, you know Gwen Rose, and Debbie Moses, my version of the Dave Moss character. But I’ll let Joan go first since she only has a brief monologue.

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                 Okay this is Glenda pleading to Gwen Rose to give her some decent leads: (clears her throat, tries to act Glenda’s desperation but “overacts” a bit)  , and MM could you read Gwen’s part?

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                         Sure

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE (hands MONICA-MELISSA her script)                                                        Okay here goes… The new leads, you know the leads that you are sending Roma out on.  Fine and dandy. She’s a good woman.  We know what she is.  She’s fine.  All I’m saying you look at the board, she’s, she’s just throwing them away, she’s throwing the leads away.  All that I’m saying, that you’re wasting leads Now look, Gwen, dear—

 

MONICA-MELISSA Glenda, I am NOT your dear—

(Pulls original Glengarry Glen Ross script from her briefcase and begins leafing through it)

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE.                                                                                                                                                                           Sorry, yes Ms.Rose, but, Gwen, Gwen, (begins to really overact pleading) you know I am not telling you how to do your job. All that I’m saying, things get set, you know they do, you get a certain mindset… A woman gets a reputation.  We know how this…all I’m saying, put a closer on the job. And you know that I can close—

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                       (still with an eye on the original script)    No, actually, Gwen, you used to  be a closer, just look at the board!

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                         That’s only because Roma is getting all the prime leads, give me those leads and—

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                      Stop! Just stop!

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE (confused that MONICA-MELISSA went off script)                                                                                          Well, I uh—

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                         No, you  Joan, you stop. This dialogue is taken almost word for word out of the Glengarry Glenn Ross script!.

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                  Well, it’s a parody

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                             You just can’t copy word for word!

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                    She’s right, Joan.

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                               So you need to go back and rewrite it so let’s get to my scenes, the first takes place in the woman’s bathroom, I’ll read the stage directions and Joan, you be Glenda and Samantha you can play Debbie Moses, the female equivalent of Dave Moss. (hand out scripts)…okay…

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                        Okay, I’m Glenda, right? (MONICA-MELISSA nods affirmatively)

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                        And I am Debbie Moses…oh yeah played by Ed Harris in the film? The chronic complainer? Should I play her like that?

MONICA-MELISSA Oh yes, that would totally work, so here we go again, I will be reading the stage directions. Glenda Joan and Debbie, Samantha,  stand at the bathroom mirrors, Glenda brushes her hair while Debbie applies make-up

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                             It’s just not fair! Roma getting all the checkoff leads?

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                   Checkov leads?

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                            Checkoff leads

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                              That’s what I said! Chekov leads.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                       Checkoff not Chekov                                                                                                                                  (JOAN CONSTANTINE makes a checkoff gesture with her right hand…

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                                  Not Anton Chekhov leads. checkoff c-h-e-c-k-o-f-f CHECKOFF leads.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                     Oh! Check OFF leads? Why checkoff leads?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                    Because the deadbeats who fill out the raffle tickets to win the Pink Prius check off the box that says they want an agent to visit them to deliver their prize or give them more information but not only that the leads that Roma has been getting are Double checkoff leads!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                   Double checkoff leads?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                  Because they not only checkoff the box that says it’s okay for a salesperson to call but they check off another box that indicates the exact date and time they’ll be available!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                           Sounds like these people are live ones not deadbeats at all!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                         No they’re not and Roma has been getting all the double checkoff leads and he’s closing over half of them!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                          Fucking Nikki Roma! Fuck her! I know she’s good but any one of us could close those leads!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                    We sure could but Roma, whore that she is, is getting all of them!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                             Maybe she’s got pictures of MISS ROSE blowing a horse’s cock or something!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                         Who knows but she is getting all the double check off leads and we’re getting jack shit!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                 The rich get richer and the poor—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                    Ain’t that the truth (beat) anyway I hear what the meeting is about is, that this Penelope person is coming up from LA with a new batch of double checkoff leads and they are going to be announcing a new sales contest and—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                        Have you met this Miss Penelope Petrilovich person? I heard that she is, uh, she or he is uh—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                               Well no —I don’t know but Roma met her and said that—that uh–

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                                      The bathroom door opens and a woman enters wearing a black leather jacket, black leather pants, Prada black pointy toe pumps, a Cartier diamond bracelet and necklace and carrying a Louis Vuitton Lumineuse dark blue leather handbag. The woman walks past Glenda and Debby and opens a stall door but does not close it. Glenda and Debbie look at one another like ‘who the hell is this?’ Glenda finishes washing her hands then reaches for a paper towel. “

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                Out of towels again—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                     Glenda walks past the stalls to the to the other towel dispenser, gets one and walks back, the toilet is heard flushing and the woman exits, smiling at the two women as she leaves.”

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                           “Who the fuck?”

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                         I had no idea!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                           No idea?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                     No idea at all that—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                              That, that?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                           Well, let’s put it this way, she peed standing up!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                         Peed? Standing up? Why would a woman be using a pee-shooter in a public john?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                        She or he, wasn’t using a pee-shooter, my dear—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                       What the fuck?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                                    She. He?– has a dick, that must be Penelope! Penelope FUCKNG Petrilovich!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                              Wait a minute! That beautiful young lady has a dick! She’s a MAN!?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                       Well, you could hardly describe that as a man! But she da man! And she apparently will be doling out the DOUBLE FUCKING CHECKOFF LEADS!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                           Oh my fucking Lord this is getting too fucking weird!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                         And you know what else? Something I heard? I paid no attention to it at all because I didn’t believe it but t’s starting to make sense now, it’s all starting to make sense!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                              Yes?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                  Well, I heard Mizzzzzzz Petrilovich is a dyke.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                            A dyke?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                             A dyke (beat) with a dick.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                          A dyke? With a dick?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                              A dyke with a dick (beat) and rubber tits!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                        But how can she or he be a–

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                              Well whatever he, she (beat) or it is, it likes women! And that’s only half of it!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                         Oh my God, this is too weird, you mean it gets even weirder?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                      Yes (beat) she’s fucking Roma!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                      Oh my God! How?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                            How? What do you mean how?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                        Oh yes, oh, yes, of course, (beat) this is too much! We are screwed!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                         We are totally screwed! Maybe we can suck her cock for leads?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                        Maybe that’s what we’ll have to do.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                   “Glenda and Debbie exit the bathroom after which Penelope’s voice is heard offstage, it’s 7pm and everyone’s here but Roma, okay well we can go on without her”  (beat) Hello ladies, I’m Penelope Petrilovich from the LA office and I am here on a mission of mercy…. Blackout)

SAMANTHA Oh my God, that is fucking hilarious, I could hardly stay in character!

JOAN CONSTANTINE Me neither!

MONICA-MELISSA Well, I noticed that both of you had a hard time not totally losing it!

MS CONSTANTINE Yeah like when Tim Conway used to ad-lib to make Harvey Korman break up?

MONICA-MELIISA Tim Conway, what a genius!

SAMANTHA Yeah, they still show that on Me-TV

MONICA-MELISSA I wonder how many young people today watch that or is it just  baby boomers like us?

MS CONSTANTINE Well, I don’t even have a TV so—

MONICA-MELISSA Which makes me wonder if millennials will understand some of my jokes and cultural references?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Fuck the millennials, they don’t go to the theater unless it’s five buck night at The Shotgun—

MONICA-MELISSA Well, I think we will find out soon enough because I read the scenes to Josh and to this guy at BAS both of them seem well they can hardly wait for us to finish it so they can put it on.

SAMANTHA Oh that’s great. You have such a gift for dialogue and comedy.

MONICA-MELISSA

And the great thing about it is that I am writing great parts for the both of you and you know BAS? Well— I hear they actually started paying their actors!

(JOAN  CONSTANTINE’s phone rings and she exits to the kitchen. After she exits MONICA-MELISSA and SAMANTHA embrace and start making out but stop when JOAN CONTANTINE returns)

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh that was my new boyfriend…my new embryonic affair…I need to get ready, see you in a few minutes, ladies.

(exits to bedroom)

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                             A new boyfriend? Another street guy?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                             No, no, this guy is age-appropriate, like 52 or something and he actually has a job, well, I think, or may be self-employed, but—he works at least

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                      Doing what?

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                               I don’t know…Website design or something…Oh! And he also plays a musical instrument, a uh—

 

MONICA-MELISSA

A uh ?

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                             One of those uh, it’s called a uh didgi—

 

MONICA-MELISSA Oh a didgeridoo.

SAMANTHA Yes that’s it and I think she says he also plays the zither and a little mouth harp too

 

MONICA-MELISSA A talented guy. A real talented guy (laughs) well, you know what they say about guys who play the mouth organ—

 

SAMANTHA No?

 

MONICA-MELISSA (snickers) You know!

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                               Oh! Didn’t you say you used to play—

 

MONICA-MELISSA

Yes, for many years, yes

SAMANTHA So that explains it! (both laugh)

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                   Anyway, maybe she is getting better.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                        Maybe

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                   I hope so

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                              Me too.

(JOAN CONSTANTINE enters) Well, ladies, I am all ready, he’s taking me out for Thai at the Tuk-Tuk and it closes at ten—

MONICA-MELISSA So what’s the hotties name?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                             Willie

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                               Willie?

JOAN CONSTANTINE Yes Willie (singing) Willie, Willie, Bo-gilly, Bonana-fana Bogilly, fe fi mozilly, Willie

MONICA-MELISSA   (puts her hand up as if to say stop singing)                                                                                                   Okay so we’ll meet again next week? But call me tomorrow so we can decide what scenes we can work on. I think I might write a parody of Roma and his client in the Chinese restaurant and maybe you can work up a scene at a sit?

JOAN CONSTANTINE A scene at a sit?

MONICA-MELISSA A scene at a sit!  You know, an appointment.

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh yes, right! So next week, ladies?

SAMANTHA Yes.

MONICA-MELISSA Yes, see you then, oh Sam, want to get some Indian? Maybe just some paneer naan and rice?

SAMANTHA Okay sounds good

 

 

 

Scene V (MS CONSTANTINE’s home)

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE       (On telephone)                                                                                                                       No, mom, I didn’t say he was loaded…but he has his own apartment and a car and he works…yes, and he’s my age…well, about my age, and he is so talented and good-looking…yes, he is a real catch…no, of course not…what do you mean my history?—No, I’m not…No I’m NOT…I’m not going to tell him about Brad or the guy goat or any of them…What do you  mean what if he finds out? How is he going to find out? Well, maybe if we get REALLY serious. Then I’ll tell him. Okay then Mom, yes Mom, okay look, I gotta get going Sam and MM are coming over tonight to read and oh that guy, the director I met at the BAS, yes the Berkeley Actor’s Studio—he might come too, okay, love you.

SCENE VI (later that evening, MS CONSANTINE scurrying about, tidying up)

MS CONSTANTINE (to herself) Almost six-thirty, I wonder if they’ll want anything to eat…no time for that anyway…

(cell phone rings)

(cont’d) Hello Sweetie! Hellooooo Willie (draws it out like Winnie in Happy Days, (smiling then not smiling) — What, no what! – Whadya mean we gotta talk? (long pause) You what? – You saw what? – On Facebook? (beat) Well, you can’t believe everything you read on Facebook, you know? (pause) No, you can’t be serious…you can’t be fucking serious—no…no…all right then FUCK YOU! I don’t want to see you again either! Or suck your peanut of a dick!  And you know what you can do with that digeridoo don’t you…you can….put it where the…(pulls phone away from mouth slowly, trembling) you can….you can…(turns phone off and puts it down) You can….oh what the fuck…(shakes head) Who sold me out? Well, Sam doesn’t do Facebook so had to be that tree-hugging clit-suckin’, mother fuckin’ MM!

(lights fade then back up)

(JOAN CONSTANTINE siting at table, head and hands then begins to perk up, humming then singing)

They said he sang a good song, they say he had a style and so I went to see him and listen for a while and there he was this young boy…oh I still miss Brad…screw Mister peanut dick didgeridoo! Still though…gonna rip the Divine Miss MM a new one…maybe not though…maybe just stuff it— (then laughing) Oh It’s going to be another happy day, after all, yoo-hoo, Willie? Will-eeeeeeee? Yes, Willie’s gone, no bother, too many fish, after all, too many, big sea, big fish out there, many big fish, there for the taking….ah yes (singing) At last, my love will come along…(smiling then gloomy) he already came along now he’s gone…(shifts back into Winnie) Oh mustn’t worry…it will be another happy day and happy evening….I wonder if they’ll want some tea? (beat) I’ll think I’ll just lie down for a while and wait for them to get here….

(blackout then lights up)

(knock on door)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                       Oh hello Sam. You’re early again.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                           Well, I could hardly wait to get here. Monica-Melissa is going to love this! I finally did some writing…she’s been tutoring me you know and made me realize I can write and you know that thing you found on YouTube, that I feel like saying a beatnik poem thing? Well. I wrote a parody on that and I think I’ll do at open mike, maybe get Monica-Melissa to play guitar behind it, it would be so cool.  Do you know if she’s bringing her guitar?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                             I don’t know but I think that will be so groovy! Hey did you hear I signed up for some classes at BCC?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                  Oh yeah Monica-Melissa was telling me something about witchcraft. They teach witchcraft at Community College now, what’s this world coming to? Well, yes, I guess, it is Berkeley after all—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                             Well, they don’t teach witchcraft! It’s an anthro course, it’s—

(interrupted by knock on door MONICA-MELISSA enters carrying a guitar)

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                               Hello Joan, oh Sam, you’re here already?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                         Yeah, I was just telling Joan that I can hardly wait to tell you but oh, did you hear Joan is going to go to BCC to learn how to become a witch?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                            Well, I don’t need to learn how to become a witch being that I already am one—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                               Witch or Bit—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                        Oh shush be nice…any you won’t believe it, I finally got a chance to write something and I think it’s really good.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                            Yeah, you know the “say me a beatnik poem” thingy? She wrote a parody of it. And she wants you to play the piano part on guitar.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                     Let’s do it then. Oh I wrote a great piece too but we can do it later.

(Gets guitar out and starts tuning)

JOAN CONSTANTINE Oh this is going to be great!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                      Okay I am all set whenever you’re ready!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                      Okay here we go. My old man was a Dead Presidents-stasher all his life, he never got fast, he wound up with a used car, a seventeen-inch screen and Erectile Dysfunction.

 

(MONICA-MELISSA and JOAN CONSTANTINE laugh throughout)

 

Tomorrow is a drag, man, tomorrow is a king sized bust (snap fingers)

 

(MONICA-MELISSA plays short blues riff)

 

Kerouac still hanging with Ginsberg down on Milvia man spouting all that right wing stuff,

Tomorrow is a drag, man, tomorrow is a king sized drag

We might be on the moon soon man but Castro’s still in Cuba shouting bout Bays and Pigs and missiles too

Tomorrow is a drag man, tomorrow is a king-size drag

JFK, RFK, J. Edgar…one of them is schtupping Marilyn and I can tell you it ain’t J. Edgar

Tomorrow is a drag man, tomorrow is a just a king size drag (cues music)

They say all we gotta do is Duck and Cover but if I go I’d rather be under the covers with my lover

Tomorrow is a drag man, tomorrow is a just a king size drag

Jack Paar, Micronite Filters, don’t take away my gusto man, Schlitz versus Millers,

Tomorrow is a total wipe out man, an apocalyptic wipe-out

I’d rather fight than switch, Korea and Nam, Lumumba, Laos and Chairman Mao

Tomorrow is just one massive blow-out man just one massive clusterf—

Suez Canal, Billy Sol Estes, Head Start, head cheese and Uncle Festus

Tomorrow is a bummer man, a total tripped out bummer (cues music)

Okay that’s all, folks.

 

 

 

 

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                    Oh Sam that was great!

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                 Rolling on the floor laugh out loud funny!

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                  Only thing is how could we use it in the play?

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                       hmmm

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                 Maybe we could have it performed at the Chinese Restaurant?

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                           Well that’s an idea! It could work! Speaking of which I wrote a parody of the Roma and Lingk Chinese restaurant scene. You know the one where Roma is supposedly waxing philosophically but is actually setting up James Lingk for a sales pitch?

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                         That’s a great scene.

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                            Yeah that scene is far out!

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                            So Roma’s got most of the lines who—

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                               Oh! Let me be Roma!

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                         Okay then but listen when you read it don’t think of a female Al Pacino, play it like…have you ever seen Christopher Walken do that Character on SNL that uh—

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE

Oh yeah! The Continental!

 

MONICA-MELISSA

Yes! Exactly! Okay then and Samantha you be Jamie Lingk

 

(hands out scripts)

 

(Cont’d)

Okay then, I know it’s a lot but just try it cold. And I’ll read the stage directions.

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                          All right then…. oh this is heavy! “You know this whole world we are living in is just one great pile of shit. Just one big morass of shit and nothing more. When you get old. (beat) When you die. (beat) What are you going to remember? (beat) The little things. The little things that you did…and the little things that you didn’t do? You’re not going to remember marrying your Prince Charming. (beat) You might not even remember your date at The Prom…You probably will remember some of the great lovers you’ve had. But only moments. The first kiss. The smell of his after shave. His eyes. That he shaved under his balls. (beat) That’s what I’ll remember and you?”

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                             “Me?”

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                     “What will you remember?”

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                      “Well I uh well I…”

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                     “Yes?”

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                  “Well, uh nothing really…”

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                            “Nothing. Yes, you hit the nail on the head. Nothing. (beat) This world. (beat) This cosmos. (beat) This existence. (beat) It’s all nothing. It means nothing. There’s no now. All life is is looking forward and looking back. The present doesn’t exist. Will we have enough money to retire on? Or for that down payment on our dream house? Greed…and fear… Will our husbands find another woman? What about the results of that mammogram? Greed, fear, worry…envy. You want as much…or more than the next gal…but what you want…what you really want is security…you want to be secure…have you ever thought about that? (beat) Oh I’m Nikki…Nikki Roma.”

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                       “Lingk, somewhat hesitantly”

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                     “Oh hello uh  Jamie…Jamie Lingk…pleased to uh—“

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                      “So Jamie, how you thought about it. Security that is…”

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                 “Well no, well yes, I guess we all do…”.

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                       “Jamie, are you familiar with Maslow?”

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                  “Mas—“

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                “Abraham Maslow, one of the greatest psychologists the world has ever known…”

 

SAMANTHA “No…uh”

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                     “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. It’s all there laid out for us if we can only open up our eyes and see it. It’s all right there. “

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                      “Pulls out a brochure and opens it up to the Maslow pyramid”

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                   “Well, my friend. (pause) Security. I am going to show you how to get that. (beat)  But there’s so much more. (beat)  And I will show you how to get that too.”

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                “Well…uh Nikki, this is all well and good but I got to catch the 6:10 out to Evanston…”

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                      “No problem. I can give you a ride…in my Landcruiser…my pink Landcruiser…”

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                      “Well, I wouldn’t want to impose…wait, you say you have a pink Landcruiser?”

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                       “Yes, I can show you how to get one of those as well…”

 

SAMANTHA “Well, I am not sure I would want it in pink…”

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                      “Well, Jamie, you can have it in any color you want (long pause) as long as it’s pink.”

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                       “Lingk laughing”

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                             “Well, all right then, where are you parked?” Scene!

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                            Great cold reading! So what do you think?

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                  Girl! You are brilliant!

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                               Well, yeah, it was…yes, I enjoyed reading it.

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                 Thanks y’all…so Joan have you brought anything tonight?

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                 Well, I wrote this little poem…it’s really short

 

MONICA-MELISSA Okay well let me run to the loo, then we’ll have a little look at it

 

(MONICA-MELISSA exits)

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                     Loo?

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE (erupting)                                                                                             That fucking big mouth clit-licking BITCH!

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                Wait, uh what?

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                          Well, uh, I know it wasn’t you, you don’t do Facebook so it had to be Mizz Nora Ephron!

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                               Nora Eph—?

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                  Well, the big-mouth yenta is such a great and talented writer, I am going to start calling her…anyway, she sold me out!

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                             Sold you out?

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                           Bitch blabbed all over Facebook about my street guy adventures and Willie found out about it and broke it off!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                            Well that’s awful but (beat) let’s face it if he broke up with you over that then—

JOAN CONSTANTINE (resignedly)

Well, yes, I guess he wasn’t worth it in the first place…besides he’s married to his job and—

 

(toilet flushes)

(cont’d) Anyway, I wasn’t really happy in the relationship—

(water running)

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                             Well, then uh let me see your poem

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                     I didn’t write a poem

(door opens and closes)

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                                                        You, uh—

 

MS CONSTANTINE

Wait, here she comes—

 

(MONICA-MELISSA enters and sits down)

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                Hey, what’s going on?

 

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                       Mum’s the word!

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                         Well, uh, can we read Joan’s poem now?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                         I have it memorized

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                         Okay then—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                   Okay here goes…Roses are red, violets are blue, you big mouthed cunt, Miss Monica M SCREW YOU!!!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                 What the—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                         She says you spilled the beans on her escapades on Facebook

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                               I did not!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                Well SOMEBODY did!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                          Well, the only thing I put up was in our private group I uh—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                You didn’t notice I added Willie?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                  You added Willie? Why?

JOAN CONSTANTINE  (beginning to explode)                                                                                       Yes, I did add him “Why” is none of your business!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                         Well, I have no idea why you would add him to a closed writer’s group–

JOAN CONSTANTINE    (screaming)                                                                                               Violets are blue, roses are red, fuck with me again Miss Monica M and YOU’LL BE DEAD!

(picks up copies of MONICA-MELISSA’s scripts, tears them to shreds and throws them at her, then storms off)

SAMANTHA She does have a gun, you know

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                          I know…she’s really going off the deep end

SAMANTHA Well, I thinks she’s off her meds…she was telling me she won’t be able to afford them when her coverage ends….

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                          Well, I—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                 She’s also upset because she hasn’t been able to contribute to the project and what she does contribute doesn’t seem to be appreciated

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                        Well, most of it lately just hasn’t been any good and to tell you the truth, the main reason I hang out with her is to hear about her escapades so I can turn it into a script—

SAMANTHA You mean another play?

MONICA-MELISSA Yes, the working title is The Street Guy Cougar, JB, my writing coach at Cal read what I have so far and thinks it’s hilarious—

JOAN CONSTANTINE enters

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                   Look I am really sorry, ladies, (beat) I think I need to get back on my Zoloft, maybe I can work something out with Kaiser to stock me up before my coverage ends

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                      And you can totally do that, I was in the same situation years ago and they wrote me a script for enough Zoloft to last a year

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                  Yeah well thanks I’ll see if I can get Dr. Schmidt to—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                   So back to the business at hand (beat) so you haven’t written anything, Joan

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                             No

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                              Well, we really need to get busy…all of us…the guy at BAS read a couple of my scenes and says he wants to see a complete draft by the end of next month and remember I’ve got that trip to Florida and we won’t meet again now until the 21st, I will be doing a lot of writing but I really need everyone to pitch in. I’ll go over all the drafts tomorrow…I think we still have like four of five scenes to write. I’ll write the last scene where the cops come in—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                 I can try my hand on a scene at a sit and maybe the one where they plot to steal the leads—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                           I don’t know…my writing sucks…I just…

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                Well actually your beatnik poem was great. You can write.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                    Well, then I will try—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                         Just do your best so we’ll see you on the 21st but keep in touch on Facebook…okay then

(MONICA-MELISSA and SAMANTHA get up to leave together)

(blackout then lights up, MONICA-MELISSA and SAMANTHA are on the porch)

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                            So you think she will write something worthwhile?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                          Not at all I just said that to placate her. Unfortunately, I have to keep this thing going until I finish The Street Guy Cougar.

SCENE VII (JOAN CONSTANTINE’s living room)                                                                                          JOAN CONSTANTINE (on phone)                                                                                               No, mom I told you we’re not meeting until the 21st so I can come over and see you later today…yes we’re still working on the play…yes mom, I know you already told me that you can’t help but now it doesn’t matter  because we have a professional theater that’s interested! So…you don’t need to…and oh and I have other news to tell you! Wonderful news! But are you sitting down? (pause) Well, I am in a new relationship! (pause) You don’t remember? (pause) Yes I told you, I broke up with Willie…anyway, screw him…. lemme tell you about my new embryonic af…Yes I know they all have been embryonic since Brad…but maybe this one, I’ll carry full-term…don’t you want to know what her name is? (long pause) Yes, it’s a her …no I am not turning into a lesbian….I just saw how happy MM and Sam are and thought I’d try it out…well…I didn’t get a chance to experiment in college since you and dad were too cheap to send me away to college and made me commute to HAYWARD!…what a mistake that was…anyway mom, I still haven’t told you her name…yes, it does matter…because she is FAMOUS…are you sitting down….okay here goes (verbal drum roll) it’s Juliette Vinaigrette! Yes! THE  Juliette Vinaigrette! Could there be another?  The unofficial Poetess Laureate of Berkeley. The Bubble Lady.  (long pause) No mom…I didn’t watch her…yes but it did start with…yes, she is homeless…but…well, yes, I offered to store her stuff and let her shower in exchange for poetry lessons…yes, mom, I know I am trying to write plays…but she did write that one play…yes the dreadful one that BAS did, yeah what was the name of it? (pause)  Oh yes, “How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Dick…Cheney, That Is” Yes, with the ellipsis between Dick and Cheney…yeah well the guy at the Berkeleyside Daily Galaxy loved it but he’s an idiot…but she is helping my writing AND… I am discovering there ARE certain things that a woman can do that…what do you mean, mom, you already know….yes, I know you went away to…Smith, was it?  (pause) TMI, mom. TMI! (pause) Too Much Information!  (pause) Anyway mom, Julie and I are getting along great and I’m teaching her to shoot…might even buy her a gun….yes….I am still going to the range….but oh I almost forgot! I signed up for some classes at BCC, I am taking that anthro witchcraft course I was telling you about and I am taking karate and dance…no it’s not karate and dance, I am taking a karate class and a dance class…. on the other hand they do have a class called metaphysical dance but I have no idea what that’s all about…no mom, we both know that my opportunity to get into an MFA has long since passed….yes I could have…but maybe then you wouldn’t have the beautiful grandchildren you so adore…Well okay then…well I never know with BART and the busses but I should be there by around four…okay  then, love you, bye.

 

SCENE VIII

MS CONSTANTINE (on phone)                                                                                                  Oh man… MM is going to kill the both of us! (beat) Well, I have written some stuff but no prose…yes, we are getting along great but one of my boarders is threatening to move because Julie spends too much time in the bathroom and uses up all the toilet paper….no Julie doesn’t pay any rent…how could she, she doesn’t make any money…but we are getting on great and she’s teaching me a lot…well, mostly on writing poetry but I think eventually it will seep into my prose…so how are you getting along, Sam? Do you miss MM? (pause) Oh God…And you haven’t written anything either? (pause) Shit…well we still have over a week….I can’t think of anything to write on the sit….I have a hard time envisioning the Nyborgs as a lesbian couple….well, I guess they don’t have to be lesbians…well no they can’t be a straight couple….the course is for empowering women! (pause) Wait! I got it! They could be sisters! Can you think of a weird sister relationship? (pause) What was that Betty Davis movie with her sister Joan Crawford who played a cripple…um, uh I mean disabled person…if I think of those two as the Nyborgs I am sure I can write something funny…well, of course, it’s supposed to be funny—and dark too…yes, this could be funny and dark! (pause) Yeah, she emailed me too and I told her I was almost finished both scenes…so I better get busy…I think I’ll use my old Royal for inspiration…yeah I know it’s a pain in the ass changing ribbons but…it will put me in the time and place… (calls out) okay, Julie, I’ll be off in a minute…. well, I gotta go Julie +        is hungry… (lowers voice) …and we just had breakfast…yes, she does…. she eats me out— of, of house and home…but I love her…okay then see you next week…

 

SCENE IX JOAN CONSTANTINE’s home, MONICA-MELISSA, SAMANTHA and MS CONSTANTINE seated at a table

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                         Well, this is a first but I must tell you I wasn’t able to finish anything worth reading, still have jet lag from the trip and I just can’t seem to find the right angle but something will come, it always does.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                              –I got something and I think it’s good—for a change, the Nyborg scene at the sit

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                  And after reading Joan’s scene, I was able to at least begin writing a parody of the break-in scene.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                            Wow! Great! Well, let’s start with the Nyborgs!

JOAN CONSTANTINE (hands out scripts)  So in my version of the Glenda Gary sit with the Nyborgs, instead of a married couple, I have two sisters Baby Jane and her handicapped sister in a wheelchair referred to in the script as “The Cripple”

MONICA-MELISSA

The cripple?    Why the cripple? Isn’t that politically incorrect?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                    Screw politically incorrect! Anyway, if it’s okay, I’ll play Glenda Gary and MM you can be Jane and Sam, how about playing the cripple

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                            Why? Do I look like a cripple to you?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                    No! The cripple has all the funniest lines!

MONICA-MELISSA

Funny lines! Well this sounds promising.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                           So it starts off with Glenda pulling into the Nyborgs’ driveway on a rainy night, and again I’ll be Glenda and read the stage directions….okay…                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   “Glenda Gary enters wet and carrying an umbrella…okay if I park in your driveway?”

MONICA-MELISSA (long pause)

Oh, okay… I am Jane, right? (pause) Here goes.  “Sure, no problem, hey nice set of wheels there, Miss, hey that’s  a pink Explorer, is it?”

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                         Yep, it’s pink all right but it’s a Landcruiser we all drive Toyotas, actually it’s a few years old, I really want to trade it in but—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                   Is that so? Well, sure is a niiiiiice ride, lady, beats what we have fer sure

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                           Yeah we have a Buick and not the ones they show on TV either

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                     Say Miss Gary

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                               Oh just call me Glenda

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                    So, Miss Gary, Glenda, can I get you something to drink?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                     Oh yes anything you have…but something warm would be great

MONICA-MELISSA

Just brewed some Chock Full o’ Nuts decaf

 

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                          That would be great black with a sweet and low or splenda if you got it

 

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                     Okay then…

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                          “Glenda Gary pulls out brochures and sales material from her briefcase and spreads them out carefully on the table. Noticing that The Cripple is in a non-motorized wheelchair.  Say, haven’t one of those mobility salesmen come by yet to sell you on of those tripped out scooters? Jane Nyborg enters carrying a cup of coffee…”

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                     Well actually…

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                     Jane Nyborg shakes her head as if to tell The Cripple to shut up

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                Well…actually I am old-fashioned and pushing the wheels is good exercise….

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                Well, it’s a good thing you didn’t bite. I used to sell those contraptions…way overpriced…you can buy em used on eBay for a song.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                              “Glenda Gary hands JANE and THE CRIPPLE a handout of the Maslow triangle… So take a look at that…that shows you the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs developed by the great psychologist Abraham Maslow…now please stop me if either of you are already familiar with any of this, so as you see, at the top of the pyramid is self-actualization and the promise we make to you is to help you reach that goal but more-importantly we also show you how to achieve financial security by helping your friends, neighbors and relatives also achieve that goal.”

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                Oh, Miss Gary, this is so exciting!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                               Yes, indeed, please, please go on!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                  “Yes, thanks… I can see I am in the company of two individuals who are already highly evolved and it won’t be long before both of you reach the top of the pyramid but before I tell you about how to get started on your path to financial security, I want to tell you a little bit of our history…our company was founded by Betty Maslow Eisenhower, Abraham Maslow’s only granddaughter and married to a great niece of the former president.  She founded the company because she saw a need….fade to black then lights up…”

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                       “Okay then, JOAN Nyborg if you will just make that check out to Maslow Enterprises Inc. I’ll clip it to your application and we’ll be all set.” Scene!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                            Well, that was great! See, you can write after all…well I guess being around me is rubbing off!

JOAN CONSANTINE I think

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                        Yeah I liked it too! So original!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                           The only thing is why did you name Baby Jane’s sister “THE CRIPPLE”?

MS CONSTANTINE                                                                                                      Well, I am just tired of all this PC nonsense. Besides, there’s a hospital in Portland called the Shriner’s Hospital for Crippled Children, there’s also an Association for Retarded Citizens and the last time I checked the NAACP hasn’t changed its name, it’s still the National Association for the Advancement of COLORED PEOPLE.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                 Well, okay, I guess we’ll leave it in, let’s take a break…

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                   I could make some tea

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                          Sounds great

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                    Oh yeah sure thanks

JOAN CONSTANTINE exits

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                          So where’s Juliet? Are they still together?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                         Well, they still were as of last week (beat) Say, do you find it odd that Joan got into a lesbian relationship?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                            Not really, it’s pretty common after menopause

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                               Ha! I should know firsthand, eh? But I don’t know if they are getting along…she was telling me before you got here that Julie—she calls her Julie–is eating her out of house and home and that she spends a lot of time in the bathroom…I mean let’s face it one bathroom for four women…

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                   Four women?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                               Yes, Joan, Julie and the two boarders

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                Two boarders?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                      Yes, she had to take in another boarder because since she retired she’s having trouble making ends meet and both boarders are threatening to leave because of Juliette…. not only does she monopolize the bathroom but she gets up to eat in the middle of the night and leaves a big mess in the kitchen…. oh and on top of everything else she pees on the toilet seat! Joan’s having severe financial problems apparently and if the boarders leave, she’d be left without any income.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                        I thought she had a pension from the city and besides she owns this home, it must be worth a half-million.

SAMANTHA Her pension doesn’t kick in for another five years and she doesn’t own, she rents…

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                  Oh my, all this time I thought she owned the home free and clear….so why did she retire then?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                     Well, I didn’t get the whole story but I think she was more or less coerced into retiring, the city had a big budget shortfall and instead of laying off people they encouraged them to retire plus she says her boss was driving her crazy and she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown…all this began to come to a head after Brad left…I think she is still carrying the torch for Brad…big time!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                          Does she still go to the pistol range?

(tea kettle whistles)

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                 Sure does, not only that but she’s teaching Juliette to shoot!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                 Oh boy!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                     I worry about her

MONICA-MELISSA Me too, well looks like all her talk about helping us get the play produced was—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                   —just talk

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                                     Well, we still have the guy at BAS and besides we are putting the cart before the horse, we need to just finish the damn play

SAMANTHA True!

JOAN CONSTANTINE enters carrying tray

MONICA-MELISSA She’s coming

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                          Okay here you go, ladies.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                              Thanks

SAMANTHA Thank you

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                            So what were you two bees buzzing about…seems like you stopped when—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                     Bees buzzing? Oh we were just discussing various tropes—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                Ha, ha! No, not really we were just saying how the one thing we need to do is just concentrate on finishing the first draft.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                            Yes, and we are what? A couple scenes short?  The last scene and the scene about plotting to steal the leads—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                I haven’t finished but here’s what I have so far…we have three characters in the scene—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                           Great! It looks like so far we’ll only need three actors total!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                         We have Glenda Gary—Joan you can play her again—and Monica-Melissa why don’t you play the sales manager Gwen Rose and I’ll read the detective and the stage directions. (hands out scripts) Okay then

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                        Put me on the Landcruiser board! I closed the suckers!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                Landcruiser board? What are you talking about? We have a Cadillac board!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                           A Cadillac board? Wait a second! Am I in the wrong play?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                         Play? Is that what we’re doing here? Playing? This is not play, Mizz Gary. This is work. Real work. Women’s work! No, this is not play. Anyway, I might have some bad news for you but we’ll deal with that later. Right now, I have got the police to deal with.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                           The police?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                   Can’t you see there’s been a break-in here?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                              No. I uh—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                        Right now they are talking to Aranow and you’re next

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                     Gwen Rose walks back to her office. (beat) Detective. Well, her story doesn’t add up, I think she was in on it too but she agreed to a polygraph so we’ll find out more later. Telephone rings, Gwen Rose answers.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                   They’ve got how much in the account? Less than two figures? Well, that’s what I thought, I knew these people were deadbeats from the word go! Thanks for getting back to me.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                         Okay bring Gary in

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                     Okay, detective. Glenda get in here

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                    “Glenda Gary walks into office and sits down. Gwen Rose closes door.”

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                      So we have bad news and we have even worse news, want the bad news first?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                   I uh

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                     The $500 down payment check from the Nyborgs? It’s not worth the paper it’s written on. At best, they have $99 in the account

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                    Well, uh maybe they’ll cover it later—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                   I wouldn’t count on it, these Nyborgs are complete deadbeats. They just like serving decaf to saleswomen on cold and rainy nights…

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                   Well maybe

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                              So now the worse news…I will give the detective the pleasure—

SAMANTHA “You stole the leads and we can prove it!” And that’s it. Scene!

(MONICA-MELISSA and JOAN CONSTANTINE applaud)

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                          Thanks guys

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                     Great job to the both of you. Actually we might just end the play right there! Now all we really need is a plotting-to-steal-the leads-scene and I think we’ll have a tight one-act play! Good work! To be honest, I am pleasantly surprised by the both of you.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                            Well, the more depressed I get, the better I write it seems and Julie has been forcing me to spend at least two hours a day writing.

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                 Forcing you?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                               Yeah, she is really domineering… a piece of work… a real piece of work she is…

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                      Where is the acclaimed poetess?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                            Oh, she’s doing a reading at Cody’s…

MONICA-MELISSA and SAMANTHA (in unison)                                                                        Cody’s!?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                      Oh I will always call it Cody’s I guess…it reopened you know, it’s now called Mad Max, Anachronistic something or other…

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                       So anyway, if being depressed makes you write stuff like that, maybe you should just stay depressed, at least until we get the script done!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                              Well, uh—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                Maybe you need to rid your life your life of that domineering freeloader

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                              Look MM! I already warned you once TO STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY PERSONAL BUSINES and  I already have one dominant dyke to deal with! I don’t need another!

(picks up tea cups and storms off)

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                 She is losing it!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                           Well, that last scene was really good. You’d think she’d be happy with all the praise and finally—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                               —Except—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                Except?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                      Except she didn’t write it!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                           She, what, who?

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                       Juliette ghost wrote it for her!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                          No!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                 It’s true but please don’t say anything. I promised not to tell you. But wait until you hear this. As soon as the manuscript is completed, Juliette wants to get her hands on it and send it off to the Library of Congress to copyright in her own name. Not only that, supposedly, there’s this bigtime off-Broadway mogul friend of hers with Hollywood ties who read the scenes and thinks he can do something big with it, especially with Juliette’s name on it, she actually has quite a big following you know.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                      This makes no sense! Play scripts are a dime a dozen!

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                   Well that’s what she’s been telling me but then again, I think she might be either a compulsive liar or delusional. Or both! I have caught her in several lies.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                          Yeah (beat) me too, she lied about owning the home—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                              And she admitted her family never agreed to bankroll the production. She made it all up. In fact, you remember she was telling us that her mother was going to help bankroll the production? Well…get this! Willie told me she told him that her mother has been dead for years!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                               Oh my God!  No! (beat) Well, this is devastating! I don’t know that we can move forward like this—

(JOAN CONSTANTINE enters carrying tray)

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                              Fresh hot tea, ladies!

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                              Oh you shouldn’t have.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                       Well, ladies, I just want to apologize for my outburst…I have really been on edge lately.

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                            Apology accepted but Sam and I decided we need to get something to eat…

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                      Well okay then

(SAMANTHA and MONICA-MELISSA gather their things and begin to exit)

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                                    So I’ll write the plot-to-steal the leads scene put the entire draft together, edit it and email you a copy.

MS, CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                               All right then—

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                           —Bye now—

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                           —G’night

(door closes)

(blackout)

SAMANTHA                                                                                                                                                 Are you really going to email her a copy?

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                             Hell no!

SCENE X MS CONSTANTINE’s dining room

(JULIETTE is typing away on JOAN CONSTANTINE’s laptop)

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                         We need to talk!

(JULIETTE continues typing)

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                 I said! We need to talk!

JULIETTE                                                                                                                                                 Babes, just let me finish this next stanza

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                        No, we need to have a talk now

JULIETTE                                                                                                                                       Okay then, what’s bugging you, my dear?

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                      You don’t know?

JULIETTE                                                                                                                                          No

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                You have no idea?

JULIETTE                                                                                                                                         Not the slightest, sweetie

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                       Well, first of all, both of my boarders are moving out at the end of the month.

JULIETTE                                                                                                                          Good! Both of them were annoying anyway…. always bugging me to get out of the bathroom.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                              You don’t get it? THEY WERE MY ONLY MEANS OF INCOME!

JULIETTE                                                                                                                                        Calm down, honey… take a chill pill, I have a royalty check coming in and when you get me a copy of that draft, I’ll send it to my guy in New York and we’ll be on easy street…. meantime, Peet’s is hiring.

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                          You are going to go to work at Peet’s?

JULIETTE                                                                                                                                                     No, you are!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                              Oh my God. Look, first of all, MM hasn’t sent me the draft, she doesn’t return my calls or emails and do you think that I believe for a minute that you have this bigtime mogul who is not only going to bring the play to off-Broadway but sell the script to Hollywood and make us rich? This is not reality.

JULIETTE                                                                                                                                                   Well, suit yourself, darling. It will be your loss, hon, not mine!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                         Look! I am tired of your shit. Miss Vinaigrette!  JUST GET YOUR STUFF AND GET OUT!

JULIETTE                                                                                                                                                              Sure, babes, I will leave but first you will have to evict me—

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                      Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening! Look! Get out! JUST GET OUT!

JULIETTE                                                                                                                                                        Not on your life, snookums.

(JOAN CONSTANTINE picks up a vase and begins to strike JULIETTE)

(Blackout)

(Sound of glass breaking)

Scene XI (JOAN CONSTANTINE’s living room)

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                               Well, no, she decided not to press charges but only after I agreed to give her $900 in moving expenses. Yes, mom nine HUNDRED dollars….Well, I spoke to an eviction attorney and he said it would cost me a lot more than that to evict her so….yes, the boarders are still moving out…no they’ve both already found new situations and put up deposits….no I have no idea what I am going to do…yeah, I know that’s what I might have to wind up doing but all my ties are here in Berkeley and I really need to have my own place and if I get evicted, I will never be able to find another place in the Bay Area that I can afford…well, I have enough to cover next month’s rent but after that….yes, I know you have a lot of medical bills….yes, I know I shouldn’t ask but I don’t know where I can turn….I don’t have credit cards…don’t you remember, Brad took care of that…so maybe a payday lender….except I don’t have a payday! (pause) I do however have a gun…no, mom, no, I wouldn’t…no…no…please…stop crying…I was only   kidding…okay then…well okay bye.

SCENE XII

A café

(Monica-Melissa seated talking on her cell) .

MONICA-MELISSA                                                                                                                   Well, I am worried too, Sam…. she sounds really desperate but she made her bed. If I had money to lend her it might be a different story but I don’t and she needs a lot more than money, she needs help. When I met her she was working a program and the Prozac seemed to be helping… Now she’s just…no Sam, you can’t be serious….how did she wind up on smack? Wait a minute, you’re saying think she wants people to think she’s on heroin so she can get us to feel sorry for her?  Hmmph, well that sheds a new light on it…anyway maybe I do need to call her or better yet go over there…but you know I am leaving for tomorrow for Corvallis Tuesday for the staged reading…yes, things are happening fast…pretty unbelievable…okay then…

BRAD (on cell phone)                                                                                                               So like dude, yeah I’ll be up that way on Thursday. Yeah I actually have a place now and a job! — Have you seen Joan… dude like I really miss her…I think cleaned up and all, she might want me back—She’s doing what now—No! Like every night? I only knew her to do a little weed and wine, not that oxy shit. And I heard she’s been chasing the dragon! (pause) Like you know smoking heroin? (beat) And Dirty Doug says she might be mainlinin’ too! (pause) No shit man oh this is awful…I am off all that shit myself, been going to NA—six months now—I still have a beer once in a while but alcohol was never a problem, you know—yeah, doing the steps and all that—yeah I know, sounds really uncool but, man, it’s keeping me clean and I am getting back to my writing…(pause) Dude, like I feel fucking awesome—the old timers talk about this pink cloud…so yeah but…but I am really worried about Joan…yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know she’s a little older but she is fine…she has taught me so much…No! Not like a mother! —Are you accusing me of fucking my mother? (long pause) okay, okay, apology accepted…so what’s the deal with that Zachariah dude whatever the fuck his name is wanting to hurt her? (pause) And she believes it? (pause) That dude is a pussy, he won’t do jack—well, but she is worried though, maybe I need to go straighten her out…maybe even get her to go to a meeting…okay then… late.

 

 

(Stage is blacked out)

MONICA-MELISSA (on the phone)

…Okay, you say they are trying to pick your lock? …Well, look I know that you don’t believe in calling the police but my God Joan! SOMEONE IS TRYING TO BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE! …And it’s probably that guy Zack! He may KILL YOU! …Yes, I know you got your gun! Yes, I know that you know how to use it but, yes? …Yes? (beat) Okay… Okay, so I know you don’t do the po bro but you know…So now you hear them trying to get into the back? (beat) I’m calling 911 now! …Whadya mean I can’t…I am going to!  Lock your bedroom door!… What? …You don’t have a bedroom door? …Because your second ex-husband kicked it in?…  I didn’t even know you had a second ex-husband! (pause) Okay, okay, now they’re back up front? Look!  I am hanging up now and calling the police!

(glass breaks, commotion, furniture knocked over)

JOAN CONSTANTINE (screams as if in pain)

(shot is fired)

JOAN CONSTANTINE

BRAD (mumbles)                                                                                                                                                I uh um

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                     It is you! For Christ sakes, I almost shot you!

(lights up)

(JOAN CONSTANTINE standing with pistol and Brad standing with knife)

BRAD                                                                                                                                                                Whew! Thank God you are a lousy shot. And I almost stabbed you!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                    You did stab me! Look!                                                                                                                                                           (pulls pants leg up and shows superficial cut on leg)

BRAD                                                                                                                                                               Oh! I am so sorry!

JOAN CONSTANTINE                                                                                                                                                                             Not to worry! We’re both fine but (beat) we could have killed each other! (beat) I love you, Brad!

BRAD                                                                                                                                                                        I love you too, JOAN Constantine!

(Blackout)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[1] Free to substitute any current hot-button SCOTUS issue

[2] In actuality she is renting the house but I am leaving this in

Scene II Glenda Gary, Gwen Rose

© 2016 Harper Nicole Anderson
Another meeting at MS. CONSTANTINE’s home to discuss the co-writing of their parody of Glengarry Glen Ross. MS. CONSTANTINE and MONICA-MELISSA are seated in MS. CONSTANTINE’s living room.
MS. CONSTANTINE I have got to tend to the vegan chili I am making… when Sam shows up just let her in, meantime, will you take a look at some of the dialogue I wrote, I think you’ll like it and Herb told me—
MONICA-MELISSA Herb?
MS. CONSTANTINE Yes, Herb, you know the guy who published the play I wrote about the Tate-LaBianca Murders? He has been mentoring me, and suggested that I adopt a type of Chekhovian dialogue in which the characters simply talk about stuff.
MONICA-MELISSA Just talk about stuff?
MS. CONSTANTINE (enthusiastically) So I have been reading The Seagull for inspiration.
MONICA-MELISSA Well, I can hardly wait. Okay then I’ll have a look at these then while you…
MS. CONSTANTINE Okay then (exits to kitchen)
(MONICA-MELISSA shuffles through papers, reads a bit then puts the papers down and looks at her watch, reads a bit more, then the doorbell rings and she goes to the door)
SAMANTHA Hey, sorry I’m late…
MONICA-MELISSA Joan said just have a seat while she finishes making her chili, she left me some dialogue to read but it’s fairly tepid— tedious and pedantic actually—you see, Herb, you know the guy you told me she slept with so he would publish her play? He’s mentoring her, the ultimate case of the blind leading the blind as it were—he told her to write Chekhovian dialogue (pause) which apparently she interprets to mean that she should have her characters talk about nothing— but far more compelling, perhaps, is that you never finished telling me about Brad…
SAMANTHA Oh my God well, again, that’s a really long story, but first, I gotta tell you the latest, Joan’s been practicing target-shooting.
MONICA-MELISSA Bows and arrows I hope?
SAMANTHA No, guns! Pistols! A Glock!
MONICA-MELISSA Where? There are pistol ranges in Berkeley?
SAMANTHA No, out in Antioch somewhere.
MONICA-MELISSA As if they need more bullets flying in Antioch!
SAMANTHA I suppose. Anyway, Brad left her the gun, said she’d need it for protection. Funny though seeing that she might have needed it more back then—that is, to protect herself from him.
MONICA-MELISSA How long has Brad been gone?
SAMANTHA It’s been awhile like, uh—
MS. CONSTANTINE (leaving kitchen) Got some delish vegan chili coming, ladies! (putting down three bowls of chili and a plate of rolls on the coffee table) Hi Sam, there you go, you’re gonna have some too, MM?
MONICA-MELISSA Oh sure, a little, it is vegan though?
MS. CONSTANTINE A hundred-percent! (beat) Had a chance to look at my drafts?
MONICA-MELISSA No, not really.
MS. CONSTANTINE Is it okay if I read you ladies some of my short monologues?
SAMANTHA I am sure Monica-Melissa can’t wait to hear them.
MONICA-MELISSA I’m all ears.
MS. CONSTANTINE Okay let me see. Okay so have we named the transwoman character yet, the Alec Baldwin prototype?
MONICA-MELISSA Not yet.
SAMANTHA How about Penelope Petrilovich?
MS. CONSTANTINE Ha! Penelope PETROLovich. That’s a real gas!
MONICA-MELISSA She might add some real fuel to the fire!
MS. CONSTANTINE Indeed.
SAMANTHA But it’s Petrolivich not Petrolovich
MONICA-MELISSA Petrolovich, Petrilovich, whatever…well…okay then, but mainly because I like alliteration.
SAMANTHA Alliteration?
MONICA-MELISSA Oh, please let’s not start that again! Joan, just, just go ahead and read!
MS. CONSTANTINE So here goes, Penelope is at a sales meeting discussing the fate of women up until recent times, okay then here we go,

Nurses, Barmaids, Teachers, Waitresses,
Sex Slaves, Downstairs Maids and Mistresses,
Receptionists, Typists, the lowly Milk Maiden
All of these, so common, so barren, so craven
This was to be our fate,
Thus She spoke, the Great Mama Raven

In me are the souls of Elektra, Medea, Madame Bovary, Troy’s Helen
Hecuba, Hepburn, Holiday and Ellen
Sacagawea, Eleanor, Iphigenia, Yoko Ono
Janis, Barbra, Ella and, yes, even Cher Bono
In me are all the souls of all women past and that of the lowest worm. So here I stand before you ladies, look into my womb—

SAMANTHA (interrupting) Do you have any Tylenol, Joan?
MONICA-MELISSA (laughing) Oh it’s giving you a headache too. Well, I thought it was great but decadent. You, you symbolist! (laughs) Okay, so that’s your Chekhovian monologue, a feminine version of Konstantin Gavrilovich Treplev, as it were. Good effort, but it makes no sense whatsoever in the context of the Glenda Gary Gwen Rose plot.
MS. CONSTANTINE Well Sam cut me off before I got to the motivational part, the part where I explain that the Maslow Method for Women can ultimately reverse the Patriarchal Hegemony.
SAMANTHA Patriarchal Hegemon—
MONICA-MELISSA Oh Christ, here we go again. Look, let’s take a break and have some chili and those rolls look delicious….
MS. CONSTANTINE Straight out of the oven…from scratch!
(All stop for a few moments and eat)
MONICA-MELISSA Mmm, they are good… Well, they say if you can learn how to bake, you can learn how to become a playwright.
SAMANTHA Who said that?
MONICA-MELISSA Uh—um, Aristotle?
SAMANTHA Oh
MONICA-MELISSA Anyway, these rolls are superb, and if I might impose, could I trouble you for another small portion of the chili?
MS. CONSTANTINE Sure and I am having some Almaden Chardonnay, would you like some Sam and some more water for you, MM?
MONICA-MELISSA
Water’s great…
SAMANTHA
A little wine is fine…and I’ll have some more chili too
MS. CONSTANTINE Okay then
(picks up bowls and exits)
SAMANTHA Looks like she moved a step up from Carlo Rossi in a box.
MONICA-MELISSA Well, I guess that the exposure to Chekhov might elevate one’s taste. So you were telling me Brad left her a gun, a Glock?
SAMANTHA Yes but I still can’t figure out why the cops didn’t take it?
MONICA-MELISSA The cops?
SAMANTHA The SWAT team.
MONICA-MELISSA The SWAT team?
SAMANTHA Oh that’s right I hadn’t gotten to that part, well that’s how the story ends. MS. CONSTANTINE asked Brad to leave and they got into a violent argument that ended with a SWAT team removing Brad from the house.
MONICA-MELISSA So that’s how it ended but how did it start, for heaven’s sake?
SAMANTHA Well, as I was saying those guys that hang out on Telegraph, he was one of them. He was nineteen when she met him—NINETEEN! And it all started when he asked her if he could take occasional showers at her house–
MS. CONSTANTINE (exiting kitchen) Okay, ladies, here we go, wine, more soup, and water for MM!
MONICA-MELISSA Thanks, MS. CONSTANTINE.
SAMANTHA Thanks, (takes sip of wine) oh (rather surprised) this is nice, mellow, fine bouquet—
MS. CONSTANTINE So you gals never let me get into the part of my speech where the character explains that the Maslow Method for Women can reverse the Global Patriarchal Hegemony…
SAMANTHA Global Patriarchal Hegemony? (pronounces with accent on the third syllable)
MONICA-MELISSA Enough already!
MS. CONSTANTINE No, no that’s all right, I-I’ll look it up for her (types into her smart phone) Okay, here you go from Wikipedia… (begins reading rapidly but slows down when she begins doubting what she’s reading) Patriarchal hegemony: A key part of the wholly imaginary worldwide conspiracy against women. This fictional force, blah, blah, blah would seek to deny women their most basic and fundamental rights, if they existed, which they don’t. Through various publicity stunts, like burning brassieres and chaining themselves to fences, feminists have slowly eroded men’s rights to the point where they are barely able to make jokes about women at all, existing merely as servants to the women’s every whim. Patriarchal Hegemony is living in every person who believes that women haven’t been subjected to years of struggle by the hand of men, for the gain of men, since people could conceive of ideas like “Do I want to have sex with this person?” That’s pretty much where it started. Men wanting to bone women–
MONICA-MELISSA (crosstalk) This is from Wikipedia?
MS. CONSTANTINE (ignores MONICA-MELISSA and keeps reading) –and later realized they didn’t want to bone them for a number reasons such as financial instability, smoking too much marijuana, stupidity, and lack of transportation or erectile dysfunction. After man realized that they were physically stronger they decided that it might be better just to abuse women into submission. Then after the Bible—
MONICA-MELISSA Stop! Are you SURE this is from Wikipedia?
MS. CONSTANTINE Well , yes, no wait…it’s from wikia.com…not Wikipedia.com… the Uncyclopdia (pause) Well, it sure LOOKED like Wikipedia…
MONICA-MELISSA Oh, for crying out loud!
SAMANTHA I’m so confused
MS. CONSTANTINE Hold on now (types into phone) Let me see well I can’t seem to find anything else on Patriarchal Hegemony—
MONICA-MELISSA Could that be because it’s a made-up term?
MS. CONSTANTINE No wait, I found something… Review: Gender Struggles: Patriarchal Hegemony in Colonial Massachusetts…but it requires a Cal Berkeley log in…
MONICA-MELISSA Ha! No patriarchy there.
MS. CONSTANTINE Yes, it certainly was burning issue then. Patriarchal Hegemony to the nth degree.
SAMANTHA I don’t get it.
MONICA-MELISSA
Look, guys, we are really getting off track, I’ll look over the rest of MS. CONSTANTINE’s dialogue later but I really think it doesn’t fit, it’s far too abstract…
SAMANTHA I think we need to give MS. CONSTANTINE a chance.
MONICA-MELISSA We did. We let her read but it obviously doesn’t work. (Seeing that MS. CONSTANTINE seems hurt) Look, I am sorry but I-I just have to be honest. Play writing is difficult. Keep writing though `and maybe we can find a way to use some of it. And always remember to apply the Marsha Norman exercise to every scene.
MS. CONSTANTINE Well, I will write. I will continue to write because I must! I must WRITE! (beat) Wait! That’s a character talking…
MONICA-MELISSA Or, perhaps, the wine?
(SAMANTHA snickers as MS. CONSTANTINE, still a bit hurt, begins to pick up the dishes)
MS. CONSTANTINE Okay, ladies, well I know I am just a hack but…
(begins to take dishes to the kitchen)
SAMANTHA Need any help with those?
MS. CONSTANTINE No, I’ll manage.
MONICA-MELISSA Well, the food was fantastic! Thanks, MS. CONSTANTINE!
MS. CONSTANTINE (as she walks to kitchen) You’re welcome, MM.
MONICA-MELISSA So let me get this straight, she starts inviting a nineteen year-old homeless guy to come take showers in her house? When was this?
SAMANTHA Oh well, I guess it was a little over a year ago, maybe. So the guy starts coming around like twice a week, taking showers, then he asks if he can store his gear here. Then one night, Joan, I think she was stoned on weed and wine, she brings him a towel and notices through the shower curtain that he is masturbating. So she’s like handing him the towel, he takes it with one hand while keeping his other hand on his… his, well you know, so like then Joan uh, asks him if it would be okay to, like, um, to, to watch him masturbate and he says sure…well, that’s how it all got started, they wound up fucking that night, I would suppose—
MONICA-MELISSA Wait, now… MS. CONSTANTINE is… how old?
SAMANTHA Fifty-five now
MONICA-MELISSA And Brad was nineteen?
SAMANTHA Just barely
MONICA-MELISSA You straight women are something I tell you. Not that I haven’t had my flings with younger guys— and women. But, my goodness, if you want a man, they’re a dime a dozen, I can’t understand why she is scraping the bottom of the barrel!
SAMANTHA It’s an illness, an addiction, co-dependency is what she calls it—
MONICA-MELISSA Well, I have spent nearly ten years in AA, NA and even been to a couple of SLA meetings and heard many people talk about codependency but never have I heard a case like this, a predilection for homeless guys…I’m sorry I guess I am being a bit judgmental—
SAMANTHA You think? (beat) Well, I am worried about her. She was telling about another guy that she only put up for a couple weeks before she threw his shit out on the street and I think I overheard her telling her mom that this guy said he was going to come back—apparently he’s back down in San Bernardino or someplace—anyway, she was telling her mom that he was going to come back and hurt her and…that’s why I think she’s been practicing target shooting.
MS. CONSTANTINE (returning from kitchen) Well, ladies, it’s been a lovely evening…
SAMANTHA It sure has been—
MONICA-MELISSA Yes, an enjoyable time but we didn’t really get much accomplished, guys…perhaps, we can meet later in the week, are you all free Friday afternoon, say around 3pm.
SAMANTHA I guess…
MS. CONSTANTINE Sure, I’m in, oh wait no, I have a therapy appointment at 2:30 so I won’t be back until about 4:30-5pm
MONICA-MELISSA And I am starting rehearsals this week every night except Sundays.
MS. CONSTANTINE So I guess it’s next Sunday then—
MONICA-MELISSA Well, I am not even sure about Sundays yet—
SAMANTHA So I heard that you got a part in “Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmie Dean, Jimmie Dean”?
MONICA-MELISSA Yes, as Juanita…(with a Texas accent) I guess mainly cause of my killer Texican accent (doing Juanita) “Jimmie Dean, Jimmie Dean? You come back to the five and dime right now, Jimmie Dean”—but I am real excited about this project too and somehow we have to make time to keep moving it forward. I’ll keep writing and Joan you keep writing too. I am sure we can find a way to make it mesh.
MS. CONSTANTINE Okay, I will, thanks MM
MONICA-MELISSA So I’ll let you guys know later in the week about Sunday
MS. CONSTANTINE Thanks ladies see you both next time whenever that is–
(fade to black)